Practicing Prayer

When I first became a Christian (by that I mean I surrendered my life and my plans and trusted God with it all) in 1998 at 20 I didn't know much about prayer. I had prayed all my life for meals. I would pray in church with the pastor. I would hear eloquent, beautiful, written prayers. But when it came time for me to pray....out loud in front of others....I honestly didn't know how to do it. 

I remember one of the first prayer meetings I went to in college. I didn't really know what to expect. We had gathered to pray for a speaker that was coming to the Fort to share. I think I assumed we'd gather, hold hands and pray eloquent, beautiful, written prayers. 

I was wrong. 

What I experienced that night was a form of warfare. I didn't know it but I do now.  People started praying out loud at the same time. I remember thinking this is crazy. Everyone's talking at the same time! How can they hear? I sat wide eyed looking around at believers who were contending for what The Lord wanted in that place. 

I remember God saying to me 'It's okay. Just watch. This is good. It's of me. It's new for you but it's good.' 

So I did. I just watched. And I learned. 

Fast forward many years. Over the course of my walk with The Lord I've put into practice what I saw. I have read books on prayer, prayed with others and have become much more comfortable in prayer. I've come to see prayer as just a simple heartfelt conversation with God. He's not impressed by eloquent language but by a simple love for Him. God has given me a prayer language and it's a beautiful thing. A gift that I treasure and use often. I can imagine that if the old me came and heard the new me praying, the old me would stare wide eyed ;) 

But I'm not done learning and I'm not done practicing. I have learned, so far, that prayer is to be practiced. It's something that grows as we do it. We learn as we do it. We become more comfortable when we do it. 

Here's where I'm at now. I have all day running conversations with God. He's always somewhere on my mind and I chat with him all day. I don't say that to boast but to share honestly where my prayer life is. I can pray out loud. I love to pray for others. I can see what God does through prayer. 

Here's where I'm challenged. Specific, conversational prayer by myself. God has been stretching me on just sitting quietly with Him. Praying and listening. Coming to Him with things about life, my family, my church, His plans for me. When I do this my mind tends to wander. A lot. 

My in-head prayers tend to go something like this: 

"God thank you for this beautiful, rainy day....I need to make sure the kids dress warm for the park....sorry Lord. I'm back. I love you God and I'm so thankful for Your revelations, Your patience, Your grace. Help me to love my kids like You love me....cause yesterday was really challenging. Gosh I hope I don't have to do as many time outs and I wonder if school will go well. Maybe I should go on Pintrest and look at how other moms organize.... Whoa! Back now Lord...my coffee's getting cold. Maybe I should warm it up....grrr! I'm sorry God. Why can't I focus for two minutes?! Help me hear you in my bible time. Show me what you have for me today....don't forget to wash that one shirt Jack loves...."

Get the picture? I don't believe for one second that God is angry with me for my wandering mind. In fact He probably just chuckles at me. He knows my heart and my desire. He also knows I need discipline and practice. Practice refocusing my mind on him. He's patient and slow to anger. Thank goodness! I'd be annoyed if I was having a conversation with myself like that! 

All this to say, don't give up on prayer. Don't think He's disappointed in you because it isn't eloquent and beautiful. Whatever you say to Him is beautiful to Him. He just loves talking with His kids. Keep practicing. It gets easier! 

Amen :)

Throwback Thursday - Do I really want God's best?

(originally published in 2009)

If I were to define my life I would say something like a friend and follower of Jesus, a wife, and a stay at home mom. Nothing too flashy but it's me.

I try everyday to submit my will to Christ's. I know that He is worthy to be praised. He's faithful, wise, and in control. He's omniscient {knows everything}, omnipresent {is everywhere at the same time}, and omnipotent {all-powerful}. He has never let me down. He is above and beyond worthy of my trust and my life.

Yet sometimes I'm not so sure I want to turn everything over to Him. And it makes me sad to realize that I haven't.

I have heard many sermons, sung many songs and read many books about submitting myself, my life, my dreams and plans, all to God. And everytime I hear, sing or read these encouragements I think "I have! I will! I am!" And then I realize "I haven't! I'm not so sure I will. And am I really?"

Obviously it's pride that makes me think I've got the submission thing down. I feel like I've submitted big things to Him. I pray about lots of things asking for Him to guide me, direct me, show me what I need. And usually I'm eager to hear His answer. Mostly because it's something I'm desperately wanting Him to answer...my way...

He doesn't always answer my way. Duh! I'm not omni-anything. What do I know? And I trust that. Then I realize that there are still areas that I'm afraid of His answers. So I don't ask. I'm afraid that I won't be able to do what He asks, that I won't like what He answers, that I'm not really hearing the right thing anyway. And then, of course {because my crazy mind works this way} I go on and on thinking, again, how trustworthy He is. How much He loves me and wants the best for me.

But do I really want God's best?

In my mind I scream "YES! Of course I do!". But then I look again at my actions and realize that I am not always asking for God's best.

I read a book recently, Believing God by Beth Moore, and she described a scene that has literally haunted me since I read it. She shares about going on a walk and coming upon some ducks playing in a muddy pond next to the sidewalk. They were splashing around having a great old time in this small, muddy pond. As she walked up a small hill she saw a beautiful, clear, big pond. Those poor ducks were settling for this little, yucky dirty pond when, if they would just get out and go up the hill, they would have a beautiful, clean pond with more room to play.

How often have I desperately tried to be content in my small, yucky, muddy pond, instead of going up over the hill to experience and see what God's best is for me? Am I afraid of the big pond? Am I afraid of the hill I may have to climb to get there? Am I scared of leaving the comfortable - even if it's not great - just because it's familiar? Am I truly afraid of what God's best is?

I have no logical reason to feel this way. God has proven Himself to me many times over. When I prayed about Children's Ministry {a ministry that I was terrified to do} God changed my heart and gave me an excitement and passion for kids that I didn't know was in me {and it probably wasn't until I allowed God to move me}. When I prayed about homeschooling {something else I was terrified of} God challenged me, changed my heart, and gave me the desire to teach my kids at home.

There are still areas that I am being very challenged to wholeheartedly submit to Jesus. And I desperately want to. I know that His pond that He has for me is sooooo much greater than the mud puddle I've been settling for. I think it will be an everyday, for the rest of my life, challenge. But I know that His plans for me are greater than I can think or imagine.

What an adventure being a Christian is! Amen?!

Testimony Tuesday - Take the Plunge!

---I would like to set aside Tuesdays as the day we testify to God's work in our lives.  I say we because I have asked women at the River Church to share what God is doing in their lives and families.  These are their stories!  "They defeated him [the accuser] through the blood of the Lamb and the bold word of their witness." Revelations 12:11 (MSG)---

For the next few weeks I will be sharing a few testimonies from our women's retreat.  These are awesome!

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I climbed a mountain today and it kicked my butt.  I was encouraged by a dear friend to take my time but get to the top as the view would be worth it.  We did make it to the top and she was right -- the view was breath-taking.  A view of the valley all the way from Vallecito to the north, to the mountains in Ignacio to the south.  It was a beautiful site of course, as is all of God's creation.  We soaked it in caught our breath and then headed down.  I was reminded at the bottom of how small my world point of view is, compared to God's.  God can see everything, from the north to the south, east to the west.  He sees the lakes and the rivers, streams, roads and people.  And He can see it all at once.  We, however, can only see the path He's set in front of us...and sometimes not even that.  The rocks and trees sometimes stand in our way.  But He sees.  He knows.  He sets our path for a purpose.  He has things to accomplish, and in that I have found obedience to be joyful.  Even though it's sometimes hard, it sometimes brings pain and sometimes takes your breath away.  I will trust His view from the top of the mountain, to guide my steps on the path below.

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I was married for 10 years.  We had a beautiful, loving, godly marriage.  We served in ministry as youth leaders for 7 years in 2 different churches in Durango.  I've struggled with addiction since I was a teenager.  I have felt the hopelessness and the utter turmoil addiction causes.  My husband divorced me.  I ended up in rehab.  I have seen where addiction can lead.  I saw people that were hanging on for dear life.  I saw a man who had just slit both wrists and was not breathing.  I saw people have seizures due to their addictions.  People that had been in jail dozens of times, people who had lost everything...their families, their homes, their dignity, relationship with God and much more. My heart has turned from God due to my divorce.  I've always had a passion to serve.  My deepest hearts desire is to see people healed, to be a messenger of God's love and redeeming power.  I took the plunge this weekend deciding I am FINALLY going to go back to school so I may work in a rehab facility.  I went there originally to save my life and it is there where I found my life.  I want to follow this passion God has ignited in my spirit to see lives saved, to see chains of bondage broken.  Fear has stopped me.  I no longer walk in that fear.  Today I choose to follow what I know God has called me to do.  Heal the sick and bind up the broken hearted.

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HE FREED ME!!!!

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How can I tell you of the RELIEF it is to KNOW that God isn't MAD? Failed marriage, even though I tried with all I had for far too many years. GOD IS NOT UPSET WITH THAT FAILURE. (notice...not my failure, but THAT failure, because it does take 2 to tango).  A reset on the heart, just to see that the condemnation I was giving heed to not only never came from GOD but WOULD NEVER come from Him...and now I am Free - to love Him, to love others, to enter into the joy of my LORD!!  No failure makes me unusable in His hand, believing such a lie (that your failure renders you unusable, rejected) believing this would make me unusable.  Mountains moved, a country crossed, hope restored and being able to FEEL the beating of His great heart of Love for me again...My testimony? That NOTHING can separate me from His love!!!  Where we goin' next Jesus?

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I was the woman Jill was talking about.  I was the lonely one.  I've battled loneliness since I was a child.  But, right before the retreat, God revealed that I had believing a lie that I was alone.  Once I confessed to Him and asked His forgiveness for believing that lie, I felt something break.  And coming here, I haven't felt lonely.  Not once.  And that in itself is a miracle.

Christ's Example of Obedience

Christ's example to us here on earth was not His works (healing, preaching, teaching, rebuking), it was His obedience to do what the Father told Him to do.  All that He did was the outward display of the Father's heart, but it may not be exactly what He has chosen for us.  Through Him we can see what is possible.

He has chosen for us a life of obedience which leads to a life of sacrificing self, loving others, loving Him.  But depending on each person created, it will look differently.

Christ's fullness is Christ in us.  Not us like Christ.  When He lives in us we will look like Him but it will be us.  He doesn't change who we are. He created us with a unique personality, special gifts and talents for His glory, for His purposes.   When we submit these to Christ and are obedient to Him, He is full in us!

His fullness in me is displayed through my relationship with Mark, my kids, my family, my church.  The physical path is different than Christ's but my spiritual path is the same.  Love God, love others, walk in obedience.  How that physically looks will be different for each person.

I preached last Sunday on a similar topic.  Click Here for the podcast if you are interested.

Throwback Thursday - We all wanna be right

(originally published in 2009)
 
As someone who has worked in more than one ministry {4 or 5 actually} I can tell you that I have, on occasion :) fallen into this. The desire to be right. The desire to make my "passion" everyone's passion. The desire to bring my ministry, my calling, to the forefront and make it known to everyone just how important my ministry is. Wow. How crazy and selfish am I?

Quite, actually. I think that this is something that every single one of us humans has a problem with. And it's not that it's a big problem in the beginning but it can turn into one. Let me explain.

When I was a youth pastor, teenagers were my passion. I loved everything about them. They were cool and fun and I loved hanging out with them, teaching them, and mentoring them. {good} I figured everyone should love it as much as I do. {not so good} I was amazed at some people's attitudes towards youth ministry. People were afraid of the teens, didn't want to volunteer, didn't want to give money to our ministry etc...it broke my heart. These teens were worth it! They deserved better!

Then I moved into Children's ministry. And kids became my passion. I loved teaching, hugging and loving the kids. {good} I felt like they had been forgotten. I was appalled that people {including parents} wouldn't volunteer to love our kids, teach them God's word, and help bring them up. It was such an important ministry. How could anyone see it any different? {not good}

I also have served in women's ministry. I loved getting to know women, hearing their struggles, praying for them, ministering to them, having fun with them. {good} How could people not all jump at the chance to serve women? {not good} They deserve it!

Now I'm doing our greeter ministry and am watching Mark lead worship. Two other very important ministries. Why don't people jump at the chance to serve there?

All of these ministries are important to God. All of them were important to me. Why was I so upset that they weren't important to everyone else?

Because God gave ME the heart for each ministry. God showed ME how to be an advocate for each one, how to love each one, how to serve each one, how to grow each one and how to be changed by each one. Am I right because I've loved each ministry? No. Is everyone else wrong because they don't share my passion for each one? No. Then why do I/we live like that?

I'm not saying that the world is relative and there is no right and wrong, that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the life that each one of us has. Why do we insist on thinking everyone should agree with everything we do? Is it so we are validated? So that we can be encouraged that we're doing the right ministry or raising our children right or believing the right politics? How sad are we?

I've seen people devastated in ministry because their ministry didn't get the attention they thought it deserved. They were bitter because their ministry wasn't highlighted, wasn't given the funding, wasn't given the attention by the "appropriate" people. They quit. They gave up. Sadly their audience wasn't the important ONE. The important ONE is God. Instead of looking to God for encouragement, validation etc... they looked to man. Man-who will always fail us. Always. Youth, children, greeters, missions, worship, sound, tech., orphans, men, women, singles, married, college...you name it, they all want to be the most important ministry. And they should be. Because they are all important to God. And He gives each of us a heart for that ministry. A heart to help. A heart to love, to minister, to be Jesus. We just can't expect everyone to feel the exact same way that we do. God gives each of us a heart for that ministry during that season for a reason. To bring attention to them maybe. Who knows. But we need to stop freaking out when others don't feel the same. God will take care of it. He will bring others with the same heart to our ministry. We just need to be obedient to what He's asked us to do. And stop being distracted by what we think others ought to be doing.

It doesn't stop in ministry either. I've seen parents like this. They are adamant about the choices they've made for their children and want everyone to agree. Like they are horrible parents if no else is doing it the exact same way they are. Adamant that you give birth naturally, or take drugs, breastfeed or bottle-feed, adopt or get pregnant, have a dozen children or none, spank or not, organic food or not, pacifiers or not, homeschool or public school, cloth diapers or disposable etc...It's insane! I've definitely, at times, been part of the problem. Hard to admit that I wanted others to agree with how I was raising my children in order to feel like I was doing the right thing. Instead of asking God, the ONE who gave me these children, if I was doing alright, I looked to others. And frankly, it made/makes me miserable. Because not everyone does it the same. They're not supposed to. And I'm not failing because I don't do it like everyone else. I'm not a bad parent because I gave birth to my children, breastfed them, disposable diapered them, spanked them on occasion, gave them whatever food I have, pacifiered them, homeschooled them and loved them. Nor are you a bad parent if you don't do any of this! Why must we constantly compare?

I think it has to do with our need to feel good. To feel right. Ugh! We all just wanna be right. Let's stop the madness. Let's stop the judgment. Let's look to HIM for our validation, our encouragement, our instructions, our worth. Man {woman} will fail us. Every time.

Testimony Tuesday

---I would like to set aside Tuesdays as the day we testify to God's work in our lives.  I say we because I have asked women at the River Church to share what God is doing in their lives and families.  These are their stories!  "They defeated him [the accuser] through the blood of the Lamb and the bold word of their witness." Revelations 12:11 (MSG)---

From Kim Beach:

The fall of 1987 was full of change - I had started as a Freshman at the University of Tulsa; my mother was working for a local ministry in Tulsa, my dad had left a full-time pastorate and was working in the private sector. We had moved from the church parsonage into a two-bedroom apartment on the other side of town so my mom could be closer to her work.


It was tough. I carried an 18 hour class load and worked 15-20 hours a week. To say we lived paycheck to paycheck was an understatement! But God was Faithful. He provided for tuition and rent and meals. I was blessed with parents that taught me to be content in any situation and to trust God. We were taken care of and still smiling!

The Thanksgiving holidays were approaching and I was worried for my mom - she loved entertaining. Feeding her family and friends was a big deal to her! Taking food to the large family gathering, giving food to neighbors, holiday pot luck parties. I just couldn’t see where any extras were going to come from.

From as young as I can remember, I was taught to pray the Word of God. It is True. It is the Father’s Heart. It never comes back empty. My mother prayed with me before each day of elementary school. After school, I would play at the church, listening to my dad as he lay across the altar, praying to God.
So I went to God in prayer. I believed His word. I prayed His word.

Daily I prayed: “I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread,” Psalm 37:25 (NIV).

Lord, please provide us. Let mom be able to enjoy the holidays without worry. Let her provide food for us, for others, for our family.

A Week before Thanksgiving, three separate churches called us. Churches we did not attend. We had not asked for food or help. But THREE churches brought us food. Not just a sack. But BOXES! We filled our pantry, our neighbors pantry, our grandparents pantry! We had turkeys and hams - we gave it away!!

“Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full--pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back,” Luke 6:28.”

We had always given to others. Given out of our need. Shared out of our abundance. Used what God had given us to help others. It was a generational legacy - my grandparents had taught it to my parents, my parents had taught it to me. I had heard stories of God’s provision in their lives and knew I could trust God because of their testimony.

But, God desired to show me His word was true. First hand.

One Church. One Food box - I would have been praising God!

But THREE Churches!! Over 9 sacks and boxes of food!!! I was weeping in the kitchen when my mom wondered aloud, why had these churches called? I shared what I had been praying. She laughed in joy! She had made budgetary provision for the holidays and did not know my concern. But she was quick to point out, God wanted to show himself might to ME. That God answered MY prayers!

Maybe the pantry is empty. The bank account in the negative. Your emotional well is dry and you are living simply on the testimony of others.

God wants to show himself mighty to YOU! He longs to be strong for YOU!
2 Chronicles 16:9, “The eyes of the LORD search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him,” (NIV).

He is looking for you! He wants to strengthen you! God longs to be Jehovah Jirah, the Lord who Provides, to you today! He is your Jehovah El Shaddi - the Lord is more than enough!

He is Faithful. Always.

Law vs. Grace

I've done several studies into Galatians, James, John, Luke, Philippians, Timothy and Romans.  God has opened up His word to me like a flood!  So much has poured out on this journey.

This time, specifically, Law vs. Grace.  I have no doubt that it is because Christ followers battle that delicate balance daily.  And many times we wind up still going to one extreme or another!  What does the law do in our lives?  What is the purpose?  Why grace?  How do we experience, and give, grace?

After meditating on all those questions for a while, here is what I have begun to understand: God gave us the law in the Old Testament to guide and protect us, to make us holy and in fellowship with Him.  When the Israelites followed and obeyed, things were good and conversely, when they rebelled, things were bad.  The OT showed us our need for a Savior.  We, alone, are not capable of fulfilling the law.  We try and we fail.

Then Jesus comes and He fulfills the law, takes our punishment and pours out grace!  Wonderful!  But why is there still the law then?  We are set free from the law right?

Yes, but the Lord still uses it to show us "The Way".  The law is still for a Christ follower, it just isn't what saves us.  Christ begins His sanctification (the act of being sanctified which means set apart and free from sin) in us the moment we surrender our lives to Him.  Daily, He does a work in us and brings us closer to Him.  He fulfills the law in us, piece by piece.  And when He does, we experience holiness and freedom and abundant life.  The law still does the same thing as it did in the OT - it guides and protects us - but it doesn't save us...Christ does. 

I see the law like a test.  I give my children tests to see where they're at in a particular subject.  To see what they know.  Where they fall short are the areas we continue to work on.  It's like a mirror of their knowledge.  God's law works the same way.  It shows us where we are falling short.  If we struggle with lying (God's law says do not lie) then we know that's an area where God's grace needs to come in and heal.  It's the mirror of what's in our heart.

Sometimes, as Christ followers, we can shift our focus from Jesus, to what He's done in our lives. It's a subtle shift and one I do not think we intend to do but we do it.

For example: God convicted me on submitting to Mark.  As I submitted to him, I experienced joy and freedom and a deeper intimacy.  Naturally, when I look at struggling marriages I would encourage women to submit because that's what worked for me!  The problem is that it isn't submission that set me free, but Christ! Jesus sanctifying me and revealing my lack of submission, along with my subsequent obedience, has brought me freedom.  Make sense?  Because we confuse the work of the law and the work of Jesus fulfilling the law, we misdirect Christians and non-believers.  We point them to the behavior that needs fixing rather than Christ who fixes them (Grace!).  A subtle, yet dangerous, misguidance. 

Law, alone, brings judgement and resentment.  Grace just loves and looks at the heart. What if we, as Christ followers, stopped using the law in judgement of others and used it only as a test for us and what's in our hearts?  What if we really believed that our only commandments were to Love God and love His people?  Let God, alone, use the law to sanctify and change us. After all, it is His kindness that leads to repentance.