Learning to Forgive - PART 2

By Megan Danquah

Last month, I began this mini-series (HERE) on forgiveness by sharing some of the truths that I discovered about forgiveness, taken from my personal forgiveness journey. Today, I would like to share the practical steps that you can take to see freedom from wounds small and big alike become a reality in your own life.

1.  First of all, you must know what it is that hurt you. In other words, you must define the pain you are experiencing. Without definition, it is a cancer that is spreading throughout your body, slowly killing your soul and spirit, and eventually your body as well! Keeping a journal is helpful in this process. You can start by writing a detailed account of the event that caused the pain. What happened? Who said what? Where were you, what were you wearing, what were you feeling? How old were you at the time? Afterward, you can use a series of statements to help you further mine out the consequences of the injury you experienced. Help yourself to fill in statements about what you believed before the injury occurred and what it has caused you to believe now.

2. Once you have thoroughly defined the pain you have experienced, you must own it as your own. You must make sure that you are able to separate out the pain that you experienced versus the pain others may have experienced because of the same event. You do not want to be taking on other’s pain in this process. Own only what is yours. After you have done that, it is imperative that you, in essence, be able to look at that pain you have defined, and say to it “I see you, I understand you, and I accept you.” You need to accept that the pain you experienced is yours to own and the fact that it will shape the person you are to become.

3. Next is the part where you put the blame where it belongs. I had tendencies of taking blame upon myself for many wounds I experienced in my life. It was a coping mechanism in which helped me to avoid the anger and grief that I experienced as a result of injurious circumstances. One of the most empowering things that I ever did was fully feel the anger and sadness and despair that were my right to feel after the injury I experienced. It kept the depression at bay because I wasn’t blaming myself. It helped me understand that the clinical definition of depression—anger turned inward—was true! Misplaced anger, or misplaced blame, incapacitates us and disempowers us, causing depression and fog in our lives.

4. Then it was time for me to decide to forgive. And you know what? I could, much easier. It was no longer a “mind-over-matter” situation for me because I had given vent to my feelings of anger, sadness, and despair, for as long as I needed to do so. And I had done that in the correct direction, putting the blame where it belonged, which was outside of myself and on the person it belonged to.

Finally, FREEDOM!  Let’s say it again: F*R*E*E*D*O*M!!!!  

You CAN achieve forgiveness. You CAN see a strength emerge in yourself that you never saw before. You CAN live in freedom and wholeness. You CAN heal! My hope is that this post has taken some of the mystery out of the very intentional process that we call forgiveness and my encouragement is that, no matter were you are in your life, that you take your first steps into that freedom. It really is there, and it really is possible! 

Can you see yourself walking through these steps and finding freedom and wholeness? Do you believe it is possible? If not, what is holding you back?

**On a last note, a huge resource that I used in my process which goes into much more detail than I did here was a book called Forgiving the Unforgivable by Beverly Flanigan. The forgiveness steps I used here were adapted from her book. 

Redefining Healing

By Tiffany Bleger

A little over a year ago, I had the opportunity to spend six days away with God in the wilderness. It was a beautiful time of healing for my soul and my heart. I had taken the last of my depression medication while I was away, and knew I needed to refill the prescription when I got home. But I also knew that we didn't have the money to afford it right then. I had not gone more than a few days without the medicine in years. Those times that I had were not pretty. But, I clearly heard His voice whisper, "Trust Me in this."  And so I did. 

One day became two. Two became a week. Before I knew it, I had gone a month without the medicine. It was hard. Withdrawals are neither easy nor pretty, let me tell you! But I had done it, leaning on that promise of "Trust Me". The time came when we had the money to afford the prescription again. But when I asked Father, His reply of "Trust Me" told me all I needed to know. It was clear that I was not to go back on the medication.

I mistakenly took God's promise of "Trust Me" to mean that He was going to completely remove the depression immediately. So, when that first bad bout of darkness overwhelmed me again, I thought I had failed. I thought that somehow I had messed up and God changed His mind. That I wasn't worthy of receiving healing.  I had lived with depression for so long that down days were my normal. Taking the medicine had helped keep the darkness at bay, but it also numbed me. I didn't feel the bad as deeply, but I didn't feel joy either. However, as Father began this journey of healing and restoration, I began to experience true good days. They were refreshing. They were sunshine and warmth to my soul. And they went against everything the lies of perfectionism and depression were screaming. Clearly, God hadn't abandoned me. He was healing me, just not like I expected. 

I've now gone almost 14 months without the medication. There is absolutely no way I could have done this under my own power. I could barely function on my own with the medicine! Each time the darkness returns, and it has, I learn a little more. I learn to reach out to Him sooner. I learn to reach out to my family and friends sooner.  I learn to identify the darkness sooner. 

My healing has not come how I expected. I never know if the next bout will be the last, or if this battle will continue for a lifetime. Some days it is really hard to have hope, to trust His word over the lies. But I do know now that the bad days will end. That the more I cling to the hem of His garment, the easier it is to climb out of the pit and find the light. 

Recently, Father revealed a lie I had believed. I thought that, in order to be able to talk about depression and encourage other women, I had to be healed. Completely. That I didn't have a testimony to share if I still battled the depression. And then, just this week, Father led me to this verse:

Hmm.  Paul had an amazing testimony. And never really shut up about God. Yet, he had a weakness. A weakness he begged God to remove. That verse was God's reply. God used Paul's weakness, his "thorn in the flesh" to witness to the world. Maybe God can use me. And maybe he can use you. Maybe, just maybe, He wants to take that part of you that breaks your heart and use your journey to help someone else. Maybe, just maybe, He wants to take the parts of your past that causes you shame to show the world His power. May our weaknesses be used for His glory. 

Hopelessness

What is "Hope?"

Merrimam-Webster.com defines hope as the action of a person "to cherish a desire with anticipation" and "to expect with confidence."  

I hope today is filled with peace. I hope my children enjoy their birthdays. I anticipate the sun will rise. I have great confidence that my heart will continue beating.   

Yet there have been times when all hope was gone. I have known depression. I know what it means to not be able to get out of bed because the weight of your soul defies human strength. I know what it is to hide in the closet and embrace the darkness because it matches your emotional state. To walk in a daze, going through the motions of caring for others because they need you. No joy. No pleasure. 

Perhaps "Hopelessness" is merely a synonym for "Depression."   

I've been in a car and thought that others would be better off if I just kept driving - their life we would be better without my brokenness.
I've seen the pain in my husbands eyes as he loved me so deeply and yet
couldn't reach me in my darkness. 

Yes, even thoughts of suicide -- just to make the pain stop. 

In these times of darkness I had no hope that the physical pain would end; that the emotional pain would be healed; that the spiritual pain could be redeemed. I had no expectation that my future would be any better than the hopelessness I felt at that moment.

One spring day, I simply could no longer function. I called my dad to please come get my children for the afternoon. I couldn't take care of them. All I could manage was packing them up, calling my daddy and laying on the bed. 

I was desperate. 

God likes desperate. 

Desperate takes away alternates and leaves only God. 

My soul sighed, "God I cannot live like this. Please remove this from me."

A simple cry from my soul. 

In the next moment the hand of God reached down to me, taking the hopelessness and depression between His pinched fingers and pulling the web that had cocooned me. I physically felt it drawn from my head and toes, my shoulders and knees and leaving me!  

I was free. 

I lay there as tears of release rolled down my cheeks and I fell into a restful sleep. 

And awoke in Hope. 

There have been times that this hopelessness has threatened to return. I look at the suffering around me and wonder if God has a plan. Days my body hurts and I don't know how I'm going to even get dressed and wonder why God doesn't heal me. Moments I grieve over lost relationships and question if God sees the pain.  

Then I remember the day hope returned. I stop looking inward at my pain and grief. I stop looking around at man-made situations. Then I do the impossible - I allow those questions and pain and loss and grief to drive me to the Cross.

                                 

I go to "Jesus, our Hope," (1 Timothy 1:1). 

I know that, "He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed," (Deut. 31:8).

God promises me that, "I will be with you when you pass through waters; and when you pass through the rivers - you will not be overwhelmed. You will not be scorched when you walk through the fire, and the flames won't burn you,"(Isaiah 43:2). 

Patiently I obey God who tells me that I must "Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him," (Psalm 62:5). 

Today may be tough but I know that "Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off," (Proverbs 23:18). 

I am not forgotten but I am blessed because I am a woman "who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord," (Jeremiah 17:7).

And in the darkest night, my longest day "I will hope continually and will praise Him more and more" (Psalm 71:14).

I wait for Him, cherishing His promises that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him," (Romans 8:28) and that God's plans for me are "for peace and not disaster" and gives me "a future filled with hope!" (Jeremiah 29:11 NOG).  

Our Hope is not in this temporary life. It is not in our human strength, our perceived power, our prayers or in our Faith. 

Our Hope - our cherished desire that we wait for with great anticipation - is eternity with God through the salvation we have in Christ Jesus, the comfort we are given through the Holy Spirit and the restored relationship we have with the Father.

And this Hope changes everything.