Learning to Forgive - PART 2

By Megan Danquah

Last month, I began this mini-series (HERE) on forgiveness by sharing some of the truths that I discovered about forgiveness, taken from my personal forgiveness journey. Today, I would like to share the practical steps that you can take to see freedom from wounds small and big alike become a reality in your own life.

1.  First of all, you must know what it is that hurt you. In other words, you must define the pain you are experiencing. Without definition, it is a cancer that is spreading throughout your body, slowly killing your soul and spirit, and eventually your body as well! Keeping a journal is helpful in this process. You can start by writing a detailed account of the event that caused the pain. What happened? Who said what? Where were you, what were you wearing, what were you feeling? How old were you at the time? Afterward, you can use a series of statements to help you further mine out the consequences of the injury you experienced. Help yourself to fill in statements about what you believed before the injury occurred and what it has caused you to believe now.

2. Once you have thoroughly defined the pain you have experienced, you must own it as your own. You must make sure that you are able to separate out the pain that you experienced versus the pain others may have experienced because of the same event. You do not want to be taking on other’s pain in this process. Own only what is yours. After you have done that, it is imperative that you, in essence, be able to look at that pain you have defined, and say to it “I see you, I understand you, and I accept you.” You need to accept that the pain you experienced is yours to own and the fact that it will shape the person you are to become.

3. Next is the part where you put the blame where it belongs. I had tendencies of taking blame upon myself for many wounds I experienced in my life. It was a coping mechanism in which helped me to avoid the anger and grief that I experienced as a result of injurious circumstances. One of the most empowering things that I ever did was fully feel the anger and sadness and despair that were my right to feel after the injury I experienced. It kept the depression at bay because I wasn’t blaming myself. It helped me understand that the clinical definition of depression—anger turned inward—was true! Misplaced anger, or misplaced blame, incapacitates us and disempowers us, causing depression and fog in our lives.

4. Then it was time for me to decide to forgive. And you know what? I could, much easier. It was no longer a “mind-over-matter” situation for me because I had given vent to my feelings of anger, sadness, and despair, for as long as I needed to do so. And I had done that in the correct direction, putting the blame where it belonged, which was outside of myself and on the person it belonged to.

Finally, FREEDOM!  Let’s say it again: F*R*E*E*D*O*M!!!!  

You CAN achieve forgiveness. You CAN see a strength emerge in yourself that you never saw before. You CAN live in freedom and wholeness. You CAN heal! My hope is that this post has taken some of the mystery out of the very intentional process that we call forgiveness and my encouragement is that, no matter were you are in your life, that you take your first steps into that freedom. It really is there, and it really is possible! 

Can you see yourself walking through these steps and finding freedom and wholeness? Do you believe it is possible? If not, what is holding you back?

**On a last note, a huge resource that I used in my process which goes into much more detail than I did here was a book called Forgiving the Unforgivable by Beverly Flanigan. The forgiveness steps I used here were adapted from her book. 

Learning to Forgive - Part 1

By Megan Danquah

Ever wonder about WHAT it means to forgive and HOW to actually forgive? In a two-part post “series” I would like to take some time here to “de-mystify” the process. 

In my experience, forgiveness always felt elusive. I knew that it was the right thing to do, but I never understood how. In one sense, I understood it was a matter of my will—a matter of forcing my emotions and pain to bow to my will to say that it is ok, what happened didn’t matter, that if I just put on the love of Christ, all will be well and I will be able to forget about what grievance I experienced at the hand of another person. In another sense, I understood it to be some sort of miraculous exchange of my hurt for the love of Christ for whomever it was who had wounded me. Both understandings left me spending copious amounts of time “praying” - which was really just time spent trying to achieve mind over matter, repeating a mantra in my mind similar to “These feelings of pain can’t rule me anymore, these feelings of pain can’t rule me anymore”.  

The other thing I believed about forgiveness was that the faster it was achieved, the better. I believed that the more quickly I was able to achieve this “mind-over-matter” state, the happier the Lord would be with me. I believed that God wanted me to get rid of my unforgiveness as quickly as possible. Because of this I feel like I spent much of my life attempting to stuff all these wounds - from childhood into adulthood - because, for me, mind-over-matter was unfortunately unachievable. No matter how hard I white-knuckled it, nothing was changing. The pain was still there. All I was accomplishing was becoming a master at living in a perpetual state of denial.

Then something happened to me. I will not go into detail, but it is enough to know that I was deeply betrayed by someone extremely close to me. Betrayed in a way that my whole world and all I knew, along with all the devices I had used to cope with the pain in my life, were destroyed, and not by my own choosing. Here are a few things that I lost as a result: friends, my home, my job. Not to mention some of the emotional things I had lost: trust, a sense of belonging, a sense of justice, a sense of pure love, and all sense of the false security that I had carefully used to protect my heart my whole life. 

So here I was. Faced with forgiveness on a whole different level. A level one-hundred times deeper than any I had faced before. Praise God that He knows us intimately, and He knows exactly what, and WHO we need in our life to help us through when crisis occurs. He did that for me, and here’re a few things I have come to understand about forgiveness:

1. Forgiveness is a process, not a one-off spiritual transaction. We don't need to make it a race to the finish line. I believe it is important to start the process, but not to rush through it. There are so many things to learn about myself and God and others through the process of forgiveness. I do not want to lose that opportunity because of my wrong thinking that God wants this over with as soon as possible, or because I want this over with as soon as possible. It’s hard to sit in our pain, isn’t it? But it is through that very act that healing comes. 

2. Forgiveness is a lot more practical than I ever thought. There are actual steps that I can take, with actual exercises and practices that I can adopt, that will walk me through to a place where I am ready to move forward in my life. (More about that in Part 2). 

3. Forgiveness really has nothing to do with saying the words “I forgive you.” I used that for years in order to feel like I had really done it. Somehow those three words were supposed to equal spiritual and emotional proof that the elusive and miraculous “transaction” of forgiveness had taken place. Forgiveness is a very individual, inner and private process. Only you can know what it is like to live with the pain you have and know the hard work you have achieved to reach a place where you have forgiven.

 

4. Forgiveness requires work. Hard work. BUT it is some of the most valuable work I have ever done for myself. The old saying is true: Forgiveness is about letting someone out of prison, only to discover that the someone was you. The brilliant thing is that it really is for me! It is one of the best things I have undertaken to show love and compassion to myself.  I saw a strength in me that I never knew that I had!!!  

Next month, I will share further some specific steps that you can take to walk through the forgiveness process.

What have you believed to be true about forgiveness and did it hinder the forgiveness process for you?

Needs

By Megan Danquah

Did you know that you were created with needs? Needs of many kinds. Our bodies have need for food, water, exercise and sleep. Those are some of our physical needs. What about emotional needs? Have you ever stopped to consider what emotional needs you have? As women, I can guarantee you that you are in touch with the emotional needs of your husband, children, friends. What about yourself? What are YOUR emotional needs?

Growing up a Christian, it was always a given that I had physical needs. After all, I knew that if I didn’t eat, drink, move and sleep that eventually I would die. Therefore, I knew how to take care of my needs in that area and placed meeting those needs as a priority every single day. My physical needs were satiated. On the other hand, I was literally starved emotionally for lack of recognizing and getting my emotional needs met. The emphasis of the message I was hearing was not centered on the importance of taking time to myself to recharge, finding time to pursue things that brought me life, or even the deeper needs of hearing that I was enough. As humans, we need to know that we are loved, that we belong, that we have immeasurable value and worth. We need to know that what we think, our opinions, our likes and dislikes, our personality are all important. We need to know that we are enough. Period. 

I’ve noticed that in church, we hear a lot about how God meets our emotional needs and that is absolutely true. Because we live in a world full of sin, God is the only perfect being who can meet our emotional needs and we can rest in that fully. There is another side to all this, however. The main, God-given role of our parents in our childhood was to actually show us what God is like! Their job was to “be” God to us because, as children, that is literally how we perceive our parents. They were to show us what a loving God was like: how He meets our needs physically but also emotionally.  

But let’s face it: how many of us transitioned into adulthood with a perfect view of who God is based solely on how our parents raised us? I have yet to meet one person who fits that criteria. Our parents did the best they could and yet, because of the sin problem again, they weren’t able to give us the fullest that God had in mind. So we are left emotionally deficient and without a true understanding of the goodness of God.  

The reason I use parents as an example of meeting emotional needs is because I want to challenge us. It was (and still is!) God’s intention that other people were placed on earth to help meet the deep emotional needs that we have, not just God. (After all, God recognized that there was no suitable “helper” for Adam on earth, none that could fulfill him and meet his needs like another human and so he gave Eve to Adam for that purpose.) People aren’t perfect, for sure, and many of us have been deeply wounded by people who were close to us. As a result, it can be really hard for us to trust anyone around us with our emotional needs because the sting of the pain is very real.  

I want to say that there is hope for you! Hope for you to be able to heal from those emotional wounds from your childhood and/or adulthood and begin to see some of the unique people that God has placed in your life right now who could be there to meet some emotional needs for you. God doesn’t want any of us to be starved emotionally. As I have spent several years in a counselors office, doing the hard work of healing wounds, I am starting to recognize the importance of the people around me. Not everyone, but a few handpicked people that are safe for me to be vulnerable with and communicate the needs that I have so that I can get them met. I have three in my life right now who I know that I can be completely honest with and they will champion me and will do what they can to meet the needs I present because we have talked about that as a part of our relationship.  

It is not only permissible but necessary, woman of God, to recognize and seek out getting your emotional needs met, in order for you to live at the highest capacity that God saw from the beginning of time for your life! Wherever you are at right now, I encourage you to start with one small step today to see those needs getting met. That could mean picking up the phone or meeting for coffee with a friend that you already know is safe and taking a step of vulnerability with them. It could mean having a few awkward and uncomfortable talks with your spouse to let them see what’s inside of you, or it could mean that you may see that one of your needs is some counseling and therapy to help you move forward (it is the best and most loving thing I have done for myself in the past two years!). But please, PLEASE don’t go another day ignoring the beautiful and valuable needs that lie inside of you because a bright, new day lies just around the corner for you, holding the possibility of living fulfilled in such a way that you never could have imagined! 

We All Break the Same

By Megan Danquah

The title of this post is borrowed from one of my favorite songs by a band called Mute Math: We All Break the Same. I was reading through my Facebook feed this morning and was struck by three different friends of mine who are currently battling the most difficult situations of their lives. Death, divorce, betrayal, crisis. They are words that some of us are afraid of and that hit close to home for others.  

Two years ago, I went through my own crisis. It involved my husband and I, the ministry we were involved in and it was messy. And my life felt like it was shattered. Everything that I held dear was stripped away.

Over the course of time, living through emotional devastation and embracing the deep pain that it caused, allowed me to come into personal contact with my own brokenness. No longer was that brokenness something that I hid away for the world never to know about. No longer was it something that I pushed down with all my might, trying day after tiring day to keep far away from affecting me. No longer did I ignore and suppress that brokenness. Instead, I allowed myself to become acquainted with it, familiarizing myself with its breadth and depth and height and length. I began to live out my right as a human being, my right and dignity to FEEL all that was within me.  

Eventually, my brokenness became familiar to me. And just like it is with anything that we were once afraid of because we didn’t know or understand it, the more I got to “know” my brokenness, the more I found beauty and grace in it. I began to love myself because I wasn’t rejecting this huge part of me that was festering under the surface. Now I began to embrace my brokenness, call it beautiful and love myself with it and in it.

The truth is, we will never not be broken on this side of heaven. None of us have escaped wounds and hurts that have shaped us and have bequeathed us with lots of baggage. We walk through this life broken because we are descended from the original broken ones: Adam and Eve. Sometimes life will feel like grief upon grief, but the key lies in not rejecting that.

God once spoke to me in the midst of a silent, pain-filled sob where my gut felt like it was turning in on itself in pain. He said “It is just pain. It won’t kill you.” I held onto that with all my might. Now I understand that pain and brokenness are a companion that I walk with. They will always be with me and I need not try to send them away or ignore them. As a matter of fact, when I embrace them and allow myself the grace to feel them deeply, the joy in my life bursts forth with greater hues than I have ever noticed before. Yes, the dark is dark, but oh the glorious light is light!! We simply cannot numb one area of our lives without numbing them all.

What I find fascinating is that these feelings of brokenness come and go. They don’t stay forever. Sometimes brokenness wants to talk to us and sometimes she just walks with us silently. And you know where that points to, right? Straight back to the goodness of God! We will not be left to live every day with a miserable grief. It will come and it will go. And our sweet and kind Father gave us a promise: that our light will shine forth like the dawn; that we will rise up on wings like eagles!

Remember, dear lady, that we all break the same. No human is exempt. All experience the sting of that death that entered in the Garden of Eden long ago. Allow it to draw you closer to your humanity. Allow it to forge deep bonds between you and others. I promise you, the joy of living FULLY is encompassed by both the joys and the sorrows of life, and you will be the better for it.

Listening

By Megan Danquah

Listening.

We are taught from an early age that listening is important, and it is! Listening to our parents, listening to our siblings, listening to our teachers.  Listening to our pastors, bosses, coworkers, friends. Listening to God. I have a question for us, ladies. When was the last time that we were encouraged to listen to ourselves? When, woman of God, was the last time you were encouraged to stop, focus on yourself, get quiet, and listen to what is going on inside of you right this minute? This day? This week? This month? This season of your life? 

We have loud voices surrounding us all the time, demanding our ear. Most of them are good voices and require our care and time. We are busy women who are many times pulled in a hundred directions at once.

But have you stopped, anytime recently, to listen to that little girl inside, full of hopes and dreams for the future, untainted by the pressures and expectations of life? Have you lent an ear to that teenage girl within who is cautious yet risky, fearful and insecure yet beginning to discover the beauty that lies within herself? When was the last time you engaged that woman inside, tending to her children, husband, job, paying bills, putting food on the table, cleaning the house, doing the daily grind over and over again? Isn’t she important to listen to? Isn’t she the one that God entrusted all those beautiful responsibilities with because she is valuable and worthy and because her voice is powerful? 

I recently had a life-changing experience with listening to myself. In 2011 my oldest turned five and we decided to put her in public school, even though I wanted to try out homeschooling. I had just given birth to our third daughter over the summer and because of this I was exhausted.

After Kindergarten and 1st grade, we decided that I would give homeschooling a shot. We got through second grade and then we took a job in another state, moved here to Colorado and, without a second thought, I began homeschooling again in the fall with my (now) third grader and my middle daughter in Kindergarten. Without fail, every Sunday night, I would have a meltdown, whether internally or externally about how much I was dreading the coming week, trying to make my kids enjoy what we were doing at school even though I wasn’t enjoying it myself.

At Christmas-time, I was in the bathroom one day, having yet another meltdown, and, as the tears began coming, this time I asked myself what they were saying to me. What was happening inside of me that was causing this negative reaction to homeschooling?

I listened. Do you know what I heard?  I heard the cries of a woman who needed some space and time, who was overwhelmed and burnt out. A woman who was desperately in need of space to pursue some things that she was passionate about, things that would give her life again. And, this time, instead of allowing her voice to be drowned out, I gave her room and embraced all that she was communicating. I took her seriously.

After a few weeks of processing with my husband and some trusted friends, I made the decision to enroll my girls in public school again. It’s been a little over a month ago that we made this life change, and, girlfriends, I couldn’t be happier! The peace and vision that returned to my life is incredible. I know that I made the right decision for me! For my family! My girls are happy and thriving—growing and enjoying their time at school. Our home life has improved and I am happy again. All because I gave a listening ear to myself and my soul. I embraced me and what was happening inside, even though there were some fears attached, and it has made all the difference.

So, friend, I want to encourage you today to put the kettle on, pour yourself a hot cup of tea or coffee, and sit down for some one-on-one time with……you!  You’ll be the better for it. I promise.