Be Strong and of Good Courage

By Tawna Wilkinson

“Be strong and of good courage…do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:6-9 NKJV)

During my most recent visit in this passage of Scripture, the timing of the command jumped out at me. That prior to Joshua chapter one, the phrase had only been given twice: The first being, when the twelve were sent to spy out the Promised Land, Moses simply commanded them to, “Be of good courage." (Numbers 13:20)

And the second was in his last words prior to his death, as the children of Israel were preparing to enter the Land. There Moses repeated it three times, and added the words: “Be strong.”
(Deuteronomy 31)

Then, in Joshua chapter one, while on the verge of possessing the Land, the Lord reiterated it to Joshua – again, three times.

It got me thinking. Why would God save this specific command for the Promised Land? Why would the children of Israel need to present this kind of muster?

God promised He would give it to them, already rife with everything they would need, or want. And not only would it be given, but He promised after they were there, He would be with them, prepare their way, and give them instruction as to how to they were to proceed.

So why be so emphatic regarding strength and courage?

For one, there were giants. Real giants. And those giants, along with the other people groups, being heavily armed, weren’t going to simply hand their properties over without a fight. And two, the cities were seriously fortified, having thick impenetrable walls. Like Jericho, the city they would first encounter. Its walls were said to be 25 feet tall and 10 feet deep.

Those two reasons alone were enough for God to have to rally them with the command. 

However, I believe He saved this particular charge for a deeper purpose. Although He would keep His promise of giving them the Land, His modus operandi of giving was not theirs. They had an important part to play in the conquest.

After hearing His instruction, the children of Israel were to carry out every detail precisely as God said – such as silently marching around the 25 foot walled Jericho for a week, then yelling and blowing trumpets on the last day.

Then there was the time He gave the order to simply sing and praise Him, while standing by and watching, three allied forces annihilate themselves instead of attacking Israel as threatened.

Or another time, while being thoroughly outnumbered, again, He commanded them to merely break a bunch of clay pitchers and do some more hollering.

Or, and in my opinion, this being the crème-de-la-crème: on more than one occasion, God charged them to obtain favor from their enemies by “just” praying.

No wonder He saved, and repeated: “Be strong and of good courage.”

But what’s that got to do with us now?

The truth is God has given each of us a “Promised Land” – individually and collectively. And just because we don’t see the giants and fortified places with our physical eyes, does not mean they are any less real, dangerous, or formidable. Scripture speaks of us wrestling with evil and powerful forces. And it states clearly, the devil is like a roaring lion and thief desiring to devour, rob and destroy the abundant life God promised.

But again, I believe God gives us the charge today, for the same deeper purpose He did Israel. Although the Land’s been given, God’s method of giving is not ours. We have an important part to play in the conquest, as well.

We also are to listen to God’s instruction then carry out every detail precisely as He says. And it may well be things like: silently marching, or breaking a bunch of pitchers, or singing and praising, then standing still and watching; or dare I say, “just” pray?

With commands like these and engaging an enemy we cannot see, it's no wonder we will have to present the same kind of muster.

So, “Be strong and of good courage.”

Oh yeah, and “… do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Good words then. Good words now.

Start-Up Repair

 By Nancy Turley 

It is because of the Lord’s lovingkindnesses that we are not consumed,
Because His [tender] compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great and beyond measure is Your faithfulness.
                                                                                                              Lamentations 3:23

Our dogs jumped up on our bed, acting as our usual alarm clock to wake us.  It took me a moment to compute what day it was…a working day or a weekend.  I relished the time on weekends, not so much to sleep in but to have more time in my “reading room” to read in the morning, pray, and do some writing.  That morning I wanted to get busy on my laptop to write some ideas down before I forgot them.  I pressed the power button and could hear the power noise on my laptop gearing up. Then, in just a few seconds...BLIP!  The power light flashed off and the monitor went dark as if a fuse had blown.

I groaned as thoughts flashed back to the last time this happened when I had to take it into the computer shop to get it fixed. It took four days before I could pick it up.  I use my laptop almost every day, so I was frustrated and disappointed that it had once again lost power.  I wondered if I had not charged the laptop last time before I set it to hibernate and it had run out of juice.

I retrieved the electric cord from my laptop bag, plugged it into laptop and the power outlet and again pressed the power button. I tried a new approach this time and held it down until past the time the laptop started booting up. The monitor screen came on with the message alerting me that there had been an interruption in my last session and then a screen came up titled “Start-Up Repair.”

I sighed in relief but wondered if this repair would really work as I had no idea what caused it to blip out in the first place. The battery said it was still at 43%, so it was not what I had originally thought. I followed the Window application questions.  It felt like it was an analogy to hard booting my own morning. And the thought did not escape me that this was what we need at times for other situations in our own lives.

The question first from my laptop was: 

“Do you want to restore your computer using Start-up Repair to an earlier time when the computer worked correctly?”

I’m thinking, “Well, duh. Of course I want it to work correctly. Would someone actually say NO to that?”

Then further informative words came forth from my anthropomorphic laptop: “The repair will not change personal data, but it might remove some programs that were recently installed."

I’m pondering again: “Hmmm…I don’t think I have purposefully loaded a new program on here, so where did that come from?”

”You cannot undo this restoration,” says my laptop.

My unverbalized retort to my Dr. Spock-like laptop was, “Okay.  If my goal is to get you working again and it won’t change my personal data previously stored on my laptop, this is good. And yet, if it were me, not the laptop, I may want you to change some past personal data as well as correct that malware I installed.”

I went ahead and pressed the button to proceed with this repair. My laptop’s reply: “Your computer might restart several times during this process and might take several minutes.”

In the end, instead of several minutes, it took thirty, but my laptop did restart and it only took one time.  It rebooted fine and was back to normal. Still, the analogy was blatant enough not to ignore possible implications. I still don’t know what caused it to blip out in the first place.  But I remembered that my first thought went to a bad case scenario. “I’m going to have to take my laptop away to get this fixed and it’s going to take four days.”

Then my thoughts moved to, “Hmm. Well, I just met a man who goes to my church who could fix it and probably quicker than the other guys. This may not be so bad and it would give me an opportunity to get to know him and his wife better.” I breathed up a quick prayer and let go of my negative energy about it.

Then it went to, “Let’s try one more thing before I give up.  Let’s plug it into the power with the electric cord and see if it might connect better that way.”

Once again, my short-lived real-life situation of my laptop start-up repair felt like it revealed several analogous lessons:

1)      The story we tell ourselves instead of getting the facts may skew the outcome.

2)      Reframing the circumstances and import of the “event” may yet bring hope and lead to resolution.

3)      Plugging into power (from God or empowerment from friends) can affect a repair or solution that will work. (Note to self:  it may take longer than originally thought, but it will work.)

4)     God still keeps the essence of who we are (He doesn't want to change that) but does wasn't to repair the thoughts and our character that cause us to "blip out!"

5)     The restoring salvation God gives is for keeps…it can’t be undone.

6)     And yet, if we need start-up repair again for whatever reason, He’ll take us back to the point it occurred and restore us anew then too. His mercies and compassion happen every day.

THE MYSTERY OF FAITH: PERIPHERAL VISION

And here you are, 

Teasing in the corner of my eye,
Offering peripheral visions,
Knowing
That what can’t be borne
in sunlight
May still be known
in shadow.
 “Sometimes we can come to know a thing only by averting our gaze, by not shocking it with the full force of our looking…”

“…God longs to be courted, to dwell in a mystery that keeps us aching to touch the skin beneath the shadow.”

Quotes and the partial poem above are from the book In Wisdom’s Path, by Jan L. Richardson, Wanton Gospeller Press, © 2000,                  Website link: http://www.janrichardson.com/about.html
 
“Immortal, invisible, God only wise, In light inaccessible hid from our eyes…”
       (Lyrics from the hymn, “Immortal, Invisible,” Welsh melody, Walter Chalmers Smith (1824-1908)

Thoughts and ponderings of paradox mill much in my mind these days.  One of the most intriguing to me is how those who celebrate the mystery of faith (The crux: “Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again”), embrace a truth that is an intangible tangible.  We can’t touch or physically hold this faith, but we see its rays of light radiating strongly in darkness from those who believe in the mystery of God. Faith in this mystery that is our Creator, Redeemer and Friend, sustains those in grief and loss, gives hope to those who can’t see beyond the next bend in life as they wait for guidance or healing, lends meaning and significance to unanswered questions, and cradles in love those who desire and know the depth of God’s love for them.

Right before Thanksgiving my husband Steve and I attended the celebration of life service for Paul, the husband my dear friend Deb, who I've known for over 35 years. Their daughter, age 20, and son, age 16, and Deb knew that their father and husband walked in the mystery of this deep faith. He died way too soon of brain cancer at age 58. Trying to dissect this or look at it head on, the “why?” questions can’t be answered or given justice that makes any sense. But the “edge of faith” allows us to see from a different angle or point of view—perhaps seeing with “peripheral vision” into the truth that the Holy Spirit reveals. As Jan Richardson’s poem says, “That what can’t be borne in sunlight may still be known in shadow.”  I think this shadow is the vision of faith, akin perhaps to “seeing in the dark” or "looking outside the box." Though the mystery of who God is, remains "in light inaccessible hid from our eyes," vision through faith can illuminate more clearly.

Both Steve and I each have one eye that has lost clarity of central vision. Steve, due to a huge floater right in the center of his eye, and myself, as I wait the repair of a macular hole surgery. We both however, have better peripheral vision.  I resonate with Jan Richardson’s poem and prose above. She is the third person in just three months to proffer that we can see the stars better by looking through our peripheral vision (out of the corner of our eye) than straight at them.

The conundrums of life that bring questions which can’t be answered or fathomed by looking at them straight on or with scientific lenses, may be given light by looking at it from the "periphery" of faith vision. Of the hundreds of people who gathered for Paul’s service and celebrated the mystery of his faith, I doubt that any of us clearly yet understood why he was taken at this time from his family and friends. But we share in whom he believed and we “court our God” with thanksgiving as we know he will reveal enough light in the shadows to allow us to see enough. We ache and yearn to touch God, the skin of Him in person. We rest for now on promises of hope in the unseen, with the mystery we call faith.

A Walk In The Dark

By Tiffany Bleger

Have you ever taken a walk in the dark? 

I'm not talking about a stroll downtown under the street lamps. I'm talking pitch black, middle of nowhere, only the stars and moon as your light dark? It's intimidating. You don't know what's out there. It's really hard to see your path. It's easy to stumble and fall. 

The Bible tells us that each of us made this walk before Christ entered our hearts. We were stumbling in the dark, desperately searching for any path that worked. We tripped and fell. It was hard, it was scary. It hurt. 

And then He came. The Word Made Flesh invaded your personal darkness. 

And He brought you light. His light shined in your darkness. It lit your path. 

Do you remember that feeling, the first time you felt like the darkness would not consume you?

If you are anything like me, that light gave you a thrill like no other. You felt like you could fly. You felt like there was nothing that could hurt you again. And so you began to run. In the dark. You had the light now, nothing could stop you. 

But there was a learning curve. That light didn't shine on every corner of your darkness, did it? It didn't illuminate every crack and crevice. It didn't make the world around you as bright as day. You could see the path in front of you, but there was darkness beyond that circle of light. It was like a flashlight, and you began to learn an important lesson. 

Do you notice what Father revealed to the psalmist? A lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. I picture coming down a hiking trail at night. You have a flashlight to illuminate your next few steps. You have the lights of town that reveal your destination. But, in between, there is darkness. 

In this journey called life, we have a guide. His name is Jesus. He will, if we ask, illuminate the next steps we should take. We can see the pitfalls and avoid them. He also shines the light of our destination with Him, that dream or vision He planted in our hearts. But the in-between is darkness. 

He doesn't light the whole path. 

This fact, to me, is frustrating. I struggle to stay within that small circle He has illuminated for me. Boundaries annoy me. Not knowing annoys me. And so I wander outside the circle, into the darkness. And I trip. And I stumble. But when I call out, Jesus is right there to pick me up and dust me off. And we start again on my path. 

If I am diligent to stay on the path He is lighting, my walk is easier. It's not easy, but it is easier. There are still things to avoid and obstacles to overcome, but it's not nearly as hard as when I stumbled by myself in the pitch black.  

It is possible, this walk in the dark. He promises to walk with me, to light my steps. And I can choose to trust Him and stay in His light. And I can look forward to His promises, to my destination He has chosen for me. 

Can I trust that the darkness in-between, the parts of His plan I can't yet see, are not as scary as my imagination tells me? Can you?

Struggling For Perspective

By Nancy Turley

“The surrendered accept that pain is always but growing pains. And growth is always a gift—even when trials are the tutor.”   Ann Voskamp’s blog (A Holy Experience)

“What used to be a hindrance now helps you the most.” Eckhart

Outside my “Reading Room” window is a hummingbird feeder which hangs down next to a six foot high bush. I love to watch the hummers feed and rest on the steps of the feeder. That is until a Rufous appears out of its hiding place and chases them off. I see it perched in the branches of the bush or even from higher branches in our spruce tree out front, ready to pounce, selfishly declaring the feeder its own. It definitely does not play well with others. I ponder why God even created the Rufous. It is just a big bully, exercising its power, intimidating others from what is also fairly theirs.

I’ve had Rufouses in my life in the form of humans, even as an adult. But more and more, it feels like the real bully is the enemy who would steal my peace by the thoughts and lies he instills in my mind. At times I do feel like I have gone two steps forward and one back in my struggles to gain victory over this. Lately, the teasing thoughts that again assail me are of fear as I wonder about the future. My body is “talking” to me more ways than one, as is my husband Steve’s. It’s easy to project into the future with fearful outlook.

I’m near the end of the book, Into the Silent Land by Martin Laird. One chapter specifically focused on how to bring our minds to a place of silence instead of allowing the harassing thoughts to take over while praying. The author talked about the struggle to keep focused as we are taunted with the current circumstantial struggles in our lives. Interestingly as I read, my visual focus was drawn to the actual printed words with the root word of “struggle” on just one page. Without reading word by word and counting, I could make out eleven times it was mentioned! (I realized later it was because the two lower case letter “g’s” hung below the line and caused my eyes to be drawn to it as they are more darkened places on the page.)

During this counting process though, I had a mini Aha! moment when I realized I was literally doing the very thing the author was pointing out. I was focusing on the “struggle” and thus only saw the words with struggle on the page. All of the other print and wisdom on that page were diminished.

When we focus on the struggle and not the bigger picture, we narrow our perspective and can’t see what God is doing.

I know that despite our real-life struggles, God can and will use them for good, despite the “Rufous bully” thoughts of the enemy. In fact, I think because of these bully attacks, we can be strengthened in our “inner woman” to combat the new onslaughts. The fear that once overwhelmed me four years ago led me to a place of courage into a “new land” which has given me much joy.  Those hindrances are like the two sided coin that can morph our weakness into strength.

Much of our individual journeys are indeed from growing pains, but that pain is a gift—it can allow us to see from a different perspective, a bigger perspective, that of the One who can see all. 

What hinders your perspective? How have you dealt with "Rufouses" in your life? How can we see our struggles and pain as gifts?

Mustard and Mountains

by Kim Beach

 

Faith
Tiny
Mustard Seed
Bigger than me
Mountains loom ahead
What's on the other side?

We must change our perspective
Look at the Majesty
The glory ahead
Beautiful Path
Future bright
Hopeful
Faith

You Are the One Jesus Loves

By Tiffany Bleger

I used to really dislike the Apostle John. 

There. I said it. 

I feel like lightning may come down at any moment. 

But I truly didn't. I struggled with his personality and character in the bible. I couldn't even stand to read the book of John more than the once a year prescribed by my reading plan. And, according to some Christians I know, that admission alone is cause to question my salvation. But I honestly didn't. 

However, like most lessons I've learned along this Christ-following journey, the reasons had far more to do with me than they did with poor John. 

When I became a Christian and began studying the Scriptures, I viewed the world through the lens of self-hatred. I saw absolutely nothing worthy of love in myself. And so, this "beloved disciple" and the "one Jesus loved" seemed arrogant and pretentious when viewed through my tainted lenses. What made him so special? Why did he get to be the one Jesus loved? Did that mean Jesus loved the other disciples less?

John's claims of love confirmed my performance-driven, self-loathing, flawed view of God. In my mind, there was a sliding scale of His love. People like John and King David (check out his deathbed confession in 2 Samuel 23:1) were at the top. Those were the people God truly loved. Those were the people God enjoyed. 

In the middle were most everybody else - the people who seemed to have it all together at church. The people who smiled and prayed and hugged and didn't seem to be faking it. 

Further down were the people who struggled with addictions and sins, but were truly repentant and trying to make an honest go of it. 

Even further were those who didn't love God, who hadn't accepted Him or who had flat-out rejected Him. 

Finally, at the very bottom, was me. I was loved only because the verse says, "For God so loved the world..." If He didn't love me, He would have been a liar. But, beyond that, I could see no reason why He would choose to love me.

But, ever so slowly, God began to change my lenses. He began to show me how He loves me, not because He had to, but because He wants to. He began to remove the self-loathing, the performance-driven fear. For the first time, I began to understand that love. And I began to see John through a new light. 

"The disciple Jesus loved" wasn't arrogant or pretentious, he was filled with a holy confidence. He had looked into the eyes of Jesus and received the love that was never forced. He intimately knew the sacrifice and love that had been poured out for him on Calvary. 

He knew what his identity, his "title" had cost him. 

John chose to describe himself as beloved because that title was precious. It was costly. It was worth honor. 

Do you see where I'm going with this, dear sister? Do you see that this is you? Perhaps you are like I was, drowning in the sea of self-hatred. Are you jealous of those who seem safe on the boat? Do you see the lifeline, the love, being offered to you? And are you willing to let go of those stones, those lies, so that you can hold on to love with everything you have?

You are the one Jesus loves. You are the beloved disciple. You can walk in the same holy confidence as John and David, secure in the knowledge that you are intimately loved and treasured by the Creator of the Universe. But that is not a title anyone else can give you. That is the title you choose for yourself.  

Can you believe this for yourself? What has kept you from knowing how much you are loved?

Learning to Forgive - Part 1

By Megan Danquah

Ever wonder about WHAT it means to forgive and HOW to actually forgive? In a two-part post “series” I would like to take some time here to “de-mystify” the process. 

In my experience, forgiveness always felt elusive. I knew that it was the right thing to do, but I never understood how. In one sense, I understood it was a matter of my will—a matter of forcing my emotions and pain to bow to my will to say that it is ok, what happened didn’t matter, that if I just put on the love of Christ, all will be well and I will be able to forget about what grievance I experienced at the hand of another person. In another sense, I understood it to be some sort of miraculous exchange of my hurt for the love of Christ for whomever it was who had wounded me. Both understandings left me spending copious amounts of time “praying” - which was really just time spent trying to achieve mind over matter, repeating a mantra in my mind similar to “These feelings of pain can’t rule me anymore, these feelings of pain can’t rule me anymore”.  

The other thing I believed about forgiveness was that the faster it was achieved, the better. I believed that the more quickly I was able to achieve this “mind-over-matter” state, the happier the Lord would be with me. I believed that God wanted me to get rid of my unforgiveness as quickly as possible. Because of this I feel like I spent much of my life attempting to stuff all these wounds - from childhood into adulthood - because, for me, mind-over-matter was unfortunately unachievable. No matter how hard I white-knuckled it, nothing was changing. The pain was still there. All I was accomplishing was becoming a master at living in a perpetual state of denial.

Then something happened to me. I will not go into detail, but it is enough to know that I was deeply betrayed by someone extremely close to me. Betrayed in a way that my whole world and all I knew, along with all the devices I had used to cope with the pain in my life, were destroyed, and not by my own choosing. Here are a few things that I lost as a result: friends, my home, my job. Not to mention some of the emotional things I had lost: trust, a sense of belonging, a sense of justice, a sense of pure love, and all sense of the false security that I had carefully used to protect my heart my whole life. 

So here I was. Faced with forgiveness on a whole different level. A level one-hundred times deeper than any I had faced before. Praise God that He knows us intimately, and He knows exactly what, and WHO we need in our life to help us through when crisis occurs. He did that for me, and here’re a few things I have come to understand about forgiveness:

1. Forgiveness is a process, not a one-off spiritual transaction. We don't need to make it a race to the finish line. I believe it is important to start the process, but not to rush through it. There are so many things to learn about myself and God and others through the process of forgiveness. I do not want to lose that opportunity because of my wrong thinking that God wants this over with as soon as possible, or because I want this over with as soon as possible. It’s hard to sit in our pain, isn’t it? But it is through that very act that healing comes. 

2. Forgiveness is a lot more practical than I ever thought. There are actual steps that I can take, with actual exercises and practices that I can adopt, that will walk me through to a place where I am ready to move forward in my life. (More about that in Part 2). 

3. Forgiveness really has nothing to do with saying the words “I forgive you.” I used that for years in order to feel like I had really done it. Somehow those three words were supposed to equal spiritual and emotional proof that the elusive and miraculous “transaction” of forgiveness had taken place. Forgiveness is a very individual, inner and private process. Only you can know what it is like to live with the pain you have and know the hard work you have achieved to reach a place where you have forgiven.

 

4. Forgiveness requires work. Hard work. BUT it is some of the most valuable work I have ever done for myself. The old saying is true: Forgiveness is about letting someone out of prison, only to discover that the someone was you. The brilliant thing is that it really is for me! It is one of the best things I have undertaken to show love and compassion to myself.  I saw a strength in me that I never knew that I had!!!  

Next month, I will share further some specific steps that you can take to walk through the forgiveness process.

What have you believed to be true about forgiveness and did it hinder the forgiveness process for you?

Let the Ground Shake

By Kim Beach 

Forever 

By Kari Jobe

"The ground began to shake

The stone was rolled away

His perfect love could not be overcome;

Now death where is your sting?

Our resurrected King

Has rendered you defeated."

Listen to the complete song here.

Life is about perspective.  

It is choosing the lens through which you want to view the world around you. Optimistic, Pessimistic, Realistic. Fear or Faith.    
  
It's the age-old question: is the glass half-full or half-empty?

But what if you just saw the glass as beautiful?

Life is full of trouble and adversity but that does not make the journey any less beautiful.

Too often we look at the approaching storm and fail to see the depth of color and artistry in the clouds. Rain drops pummel our face and we do not see the nourishing water pouring onto the dry ground. We see the destruction of the wind and not its important part in pollination for new growth.   

We feel the ground shaking under our feet and our faith falters as we feel our dreams crumbling around us like plaster walls. We question God and His timing. We doubt His plans for us. We question the validity of everything we ever believed about Christ!

Our lives feel fractured.

 

"Suddenly there was a great earthquake! 

For an angel of the Lord came down from heaven, 

rolled aside the stone, and sat on it."  

Matthew 28:2 (NLV)

Perhaps the earthquake you feel is not your foundation shifting.  

Perhaps the quake beneath your feet is the stone of your tomb rolling away!

The wind and waves are whipping around you and the flood waters are rising. Yet the storm is not all nature rallying against you but all Heaven moving on your behalf!

Do not fear the shaking. 

Do not hide from the storm. 

Run out of the Tomb to the Savior who is standing outside with arms opened wide!

Choose your perspective- the world is not against you --

All Heaven is FOR You!

Redefining Healing

By Tiffany Bleger

A little over a year ago, I had the opportunity to spend six days away with God in the wilderness. It was a beautiful time of healing for my soul and my heart. I had taken the last of my depression medication while I was away, and knew I needed to refill the prescription when I got home. But I also knew that we didn't have the money to afford it right then. I had not gone more than a few days without the medicine in years. Those times that I had were not pretty. But, I clearly heard His voice whisper, "Trust Me in this."  And so I did. 

One day became two. Two became a week. Before I knew it, I had gone a month without the medicine. It was hard. Withdrawals are neither easy nor pretty, let me tell you! But I had done it, leaning on that promise of "Trust Me". The time came when we had the money to afford the prescription again. But when I asked Father, His reply of "Trust Me" told me all I needed to know. It was clear that I was not to go back on the medication.

I mistakenly took God's promise of "Trust Me" to mean that He was going to completely remove the depression immediately. So, when that first bad bout of darkness overwhelmed me again, I thought I had failed. I thought that somehow I had messed up and God changed His mind. That I wasn't worthy of receiving healing.  I had lived with depression for so long that down days were my normal. Taking the medicine had helped keep the darkness at bay, but it also numbed me. I didn't feel the bad as deeply, but I didn't feel joy either. However, as Father began this journey of healing and restoration, I began to experience true good days. They were refreshing. They were sunshine and warmth to my soul. And they went against everything the lies of perfectionism and depression were screaming. Clearly, God hadn't abandoned me. He was healing me, just not like I expected. 

I've now gone almost 14 months without the medication. There is absolutely no way I could have done this under my own power. I could barely function on my own with the medicine! Each time the darkness returns, and it has, I learn a little more. I learn to reach out to Him sooner. I learn to reach out to my family and friends sooner.  I learn to identify the darkness sooner. 

My healing has not come how I expected. I never know if the next bout will be the last, or if this battle will continue for a lifetime. Some days it is really hard to have hope, to trust His word over the lies. But I do know now that the bad days will end. That the more I cling to the hem of His garment, the easier it is to climb out of the pit and find the light. 

Recently, Father revealed a lie I had believed. I thought that, in order to be able to talk about depression and encourage other women, I had to be healed. Completely. That I didn't have a testimony to share if I still battled the depression. And then, just this week, Father led me to this verse:

Hmm.  Paul had an amazing testimony. And never really shut up about God. Yet, he had a weakness. A weakness he begged God to remove. That verse was God's reply. God used Paul's weakness, his "thorn in the flesh" to witness to the world. Maybe God can use me. And maybe he can use you. Maybe, just maybe, He wants to take that part of you that breaks your heart and use your journey to help someone else. Maybe, just maybe, He wants to take the parts of your past that causes you shame to show the world His power. May our weaknesses be used for His glory.