The other day, while reading a chapter of The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis, I came
across a term called: the “Law of Undulation.”
The context was that human beings have an undulating
relationship with everything and everyone, including their relationship with
God. And by not realizing this “law,” when we are in a “trough,” as Lewis expresses
it, it can lead a person into depression, or complacency.
I was intrigued, because I was in the middle of a “trough,”
and had been there for a discouraging month. So, wanting to be clearer regarding undulation’s meaning, I
looked it up.
Undulate: “To move in
waves or with a smooth wavelike motion. To increase and decrease in volume or pitch.” (New American Heritage
Dictionary)
After that, I was reminded of a phrase from the Message
translation the Lord used to encourage me during another “trough” a few years
back:
“Learn the unforced
rhythms of grace.” (Matthew 11:29)
A stirring appreciation enveloped me as I received a new
understanding that life truly is a series of undulating experiences; wavelike
motions moving me back and forth, and
up and down relationally, for the purpose of teaching methe unforcedrhythms of His grace.
Then, I flashed on the first week of creation. How God demonstrated
the “Law of Undulation” quite nicely. Those first seven days were nothing but sweet
wavelike motions emanating from Him while He spoke night and day, earth and sky,
evening and morning. He established the law of ebb and flow. And He created me
in His image.
What’s more, when sin did enter the picture, He didn’t
change His mind. Ecclesiastics 3:1-8 makes this clear:
“To everything there
is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, and a
time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted; a time to
kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time
to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance…."
And when Jesus arrived on the scene, He continued modeling
the same unforced rhythms smack dab in the middle of the brokenness, assuring
me I can do the same.
Yes, sin did mess with conditions, as well as my perception of
this “Law of Undulation.” However, my being aware that this was God’s design, it is His way of being, and it still is His will that I reflect the same, will
better equip me to move more freely while learning the unforced rhythms of
grace. And it will help me guard against being lead into the smothering heavy
of depression, or complacency during my “trough” times.
“And He took him aside from the multitude, put His finger in his ears,
and He spat and touched his tongue. Then looking up to heaven, He sighed and said to him, “Ephphatha,”
that is, “Be opened.” (Mark 7:33, 34 NKJV)
Prior to this verse, Jesus had gone to the region of Tyre
and Sidon. Having arrived there, He goes into a private home wanting “no one to know.” But, it says, “He
could not be hidden.” For a Gentile woman, having a demon-possessed daughter,
found out where He was and persistently begged Him to heal her; cutting short His
privacy. (Mark 7:24, 25 NKJV)
Now He’s traveled back through the region of Decapolis, where previously
His fame exploded where in the midst of seeking solitude and rest, the multitude pursued
Him and He wound up spending the entire day healing and feeding 5000 plus people.
Now, while looking for space again, He has yet another
multitude hot on His heels begging for healing. He heals. But in the midst of it,
when they bring a deaf/mute to Him, He curiously “took him aside.”
Why?
According to Matthew’s account this wasn’t the only
person with a similar issue. What was different? Why the unusual treatment?
And why does Mark’s record add that after Jesus spits and
puts His fingers in the man’s ears, He looks up to heaven, and sighs?
The word sigh in this passage means: to make, or be in
straits; to murmur; to pray inaudibly, with the connotation of grieving or
groaning. It’s the same word used when it speaks of the Spirit’s groanings in
Romans 8:26:
“Likewise the Spirit
also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we
ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which
cannot be uttered.”
Here’s what I think.
Jesus is tapped.
He’s
dog-tired and doesn’t know how to pray for this one, even though He’s been
healing many to this point. Once again,
rest and the need for quiet have eluded Him.
He’s had to deal with power going out of Him during ministry;
and He’s weak and speechless. And in that
place, Jesus looked up to heaven, and breathed a groaning prayer: He sighed, and
the man was healed.
What an encouragement!
Although I haven’t been in the place of administering
healing to thousands, I have given of myself, been past tired, and in need of
solitude, just to have it interrupted, time and again.
And my Jesus, being 100% human when He walked this earth doing
all He did, says to me in this passage, “I completely understand weakness and
the need for solitude. Keep following Me. And when you are worn out, and have
no words, look to heaven, breathe a sigh, and watch what I will do.”
you have two choices: Regret or Redemption" ~ The Hospital Mom
On January 27, 1999 the unthinkable became our reality. Our pink and precious daughter of 6 months suffered a massive mid-cerebral arterial stroke. The main artery between her spine and her brain had become blocked from a blood clot at the juncture where it splits into the left and right hemispheres. Worldwide, 1 in 25,000 live births will suffer a stroke each year.
The years that have followed have been tumultuous. Doctors, therapies, drug studies, seizures, and surgeries. There are times where I felt I have earned doctoral degrees in Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, Pharmacology, Neurology, Developmental Pediatrics and Child Psychology from the Mother's Medical Institute.
At any moment I can walk into an emergency room and speak in medical terms with any nurse, doctor or specialist. Pity the poor nurse who argued with me that my child could not possibly have suffered a stroke. "Children do not have strokes," she said with condescending authority.
Ashley was having seizures and I walked into the emergency room in Tulsa, Oklahoma telling the medical team what she needed. I had been on the phone with her neurologist and we agreed I could transport her to the hospital quicker than an ambulance could find me - plus I was already in the car and on my way - and he would meet me there.
My dad met us at the hospital and while he entertained my 25 month old daughter, I politely asked the nurse to step outside the room. "Never tell a parent in front of a child that they are making up a diagnosis, especially one this horrid," I said with the indignation of a mom who was living the unimaginable. The nurse continued to argue with me as the doctor approached and I told her to go pull up the MRI and CT scans from the past 2 years. "I will," she assured me and stomped off, hands on her hips. And she did. The neurologist arrived, treatment began and later, he brought a very apologetic nurse into the room and assured her that infants do indeed have strokes.
That night I realized that parents must be advocates for their children. As the years passed, I learned most parents are so intimated by the medical process, hospital personnel and are simply overwhelmed by their situation that they are afraid to speak up. They will accept whatever is told them and not ask questions, advocate for help or seek solutions for their children.
I have worked with families in numerous settings - adult education centers, as a parent advocate in schools, at church and as a chaplain. The redemption of Ashley's story is in sharing the wisdom, education and experiences we have gained in this struggle. Parents of chronically medically challenged children are more likely to divorce, have extra-marital affairs and battle addictions. As their world centers around their children, hospitals and the medical world, they withdraw into themselves and face depression while living in a constant state of regret - the "would of, could of, should of" state of mind.
Our purpose is simple:
To provide Hope and Humor to Families of Chronically Medically Challenged Children.
Answering Emails of Hurting Families at Kim@hospitalmom.net
H.O.P.E. Delivery Bags for Caregivers at Hospitals
Currently, I am writing a book to bring Hope to Families. The following is an excerpt from "Beautifully Complicated," the story of redeeming the hurt in our lives in order "to Know HIM and Make HIM Known."
from BEAUTIFULLY COMPLICATED
“This is my Father’s World
and to my listening ears
All nature sings and ‘round me rings
The beauty of the sphere.”
Eighteen years ago I first sang this song to my infant baby girl. Born early - eager to change our world. Born tiny - proving size does not matter. Born the baby sister - her brother in love with her before she was before. Born a surprise - her daddy named her the moment he saw the positive pregnancy test.
“This is my Father’s World
I rest me in the thought
Of rocks and trees; of skies and seas
His hand the wonders wrought.”
Fifteen times I have laid her on an operating table and sang those words in her ear as she drifted to sleep. Sometimes easily. Sometimes fearfully, gripping my hand. Sometimes I have had tears in own voice and many times, I have sang to a room full of surgeons and technicians who came to the operating theater because they had heard of this family who sang before surgery and wanted to experience the peace that is in the room.
Three times I have sang this hymn in the surgery waiting room because that facility did not allow me to accompany her into the operating room.
Eighteen surgeries.
Thousands of miles driven in rain, snow, sunshine and shadow.
Months our family has lived apart - separated by 8 hours and the Rocky Mountains.
Dozens of professionals. Hundreds of medications. Thousands of phone calls to doctors. Ten Thousands of hours in research by specialists and parents.
Millions of prayers raised by family, friends and even strangers.
This indeed is My Father's World. The Unthinkable will happen because this world is in a fallen state where the sin of mankind has brought heartache. Yet God redeems the pain of our fallen state to help each other. When we help each other that pain becomes bearable, even manageable as we allow Him to reveal His glory as we live other lives for others.
“This is my Father's world.
O let me ne'er forget
that though the wrong seems oft so strong,
God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father's world:
why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let the earth be glad!”
Are you living the Unthinkable?
Where you never dreamed you would be?
Are you living in Regret - depressed, lonely, self-pity - or in Redemption?
As you listen to the song below, go to God in Prayer and
The other day, I had a hard and messy conversation with an
individual regarding their dissatisfaction with the church, and what they felt
was wrong with it. The truth is I was hurt and very frustrated, as this wasn’t
the first time I’d been approached with the same thing. However, after I allowed myself the shabby process of
sorting out my raw emotions with God and my husband, the Lord reminded of II
Corinthians 5:17-21:
“Therefore,
if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away;
behold, all things have become new. Now all things are of God, who has
reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of
reconciliation, that is, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to
Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them, and has committed to us the
word of reconciliation. Now then, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God
were pleading through us: we implore you on Christ’s behalf, be reconciled to
God. For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the
righteousness of God in Him.”
I realized if things
were the way He intended in the beginning, there would be no need for our
administrating reconciliation. For when things are reconciled, they are
back to the way they were created to be.
When Christ was here He waded through enormous dysfunction
with people’s perceptions of what He needed to do to make things right – in the
synagogues; with the Pharisees and crowds; with the twelve men He hand-picked
to journey with Him; even with his mother and siblings. And though
Scripture doesn’t give much detail about His childhood, I can’t help but think
there was a lot of muddling He had to endure just being a kid and teenager.
We want things to be neat and tidy; to be okay. And more times
than not, I think that means, the way I
want them to be. We hate the groaning our spirits, bodies and souls experience
when we perceive things are not the way they’re supposed to be. And the last
thing we want to do is stick around and engage in the hard work of restoration.
Several years ago, a wise young man said to me, “Relationships are messy, and no one wants
to get involved in them.” He was right. It’s obvious. When things don’t go
the way we want, our first reaction is to bail…. don’t stick around and muddle
through the mess and confusing in-betweens. It hurts. It’s hard. We have no
promise that we’re going to see resolution. And what’s worse, we have no control
over the outcome, let alone another’s choice.
I completely understand. I’ve bailed more times than I care
to admit. I’ve thrown my hands up in frustration umpteen times, “knowing” for certain
things are never going to change. But if that is true, then this passage of
Scripture isn’t. So today, I am actually thankful for the individual
approaching me. For although the issue was not resolved, I now see I was presented with another opportunity to
use my “ambassador muscles.” God, and this person, trusted me with part of the messy process
of bringing a piece of reconciliation to this beautiful, broken and messy
world. And I am glad I chose to engage in it.
I am a soldier. I am part of an eternal army. The Commander says, "Go!" I go. And when He says,"Stand," I also obey.
Standing gets wearisome. My muscles ache for action. The sword gets heavy. My biceps long to stretch out and lash the air. My thighs struggle against the weight of my body, longing to spring into action and sprint into battle.
The small of my back seeks to stretch, bend, push against the weight of the world. My arms quiver under the weight of the shield. The helmet of truth is hot and heavy and my tongue pushes against my teeth, longing to shout out in a righteous war cry. My feet are wrapped in readiness to run into battle.
But I stand. Fully dressed. As the Commander as decreed in the Battle Plan of Ephesians 6:13, I take my stand.
Silent. Fighting against my will. My flesh. Battling the very nature that the Commander has placed in me; He requires self control.
The enemy roars.
From his battle line he paces, spewing vile defamation. Accusations. Curses against my leader. Baiting me to battle.
I stand.
The enemy draws closer. I can feel his spit on my brow as in desperation he curses me.
I do not move.
The enemy begins to tremble. The tried-and-tested tactics of the Bully do not work. I am not baited.
I wait for the Battle Commander to blow his trumpet! With sweat in my eyes, the iron taste of blood on my tongue, muscles primed to strike, I wait for the enemy to draw near.
For the Commander is nearer still. And His whisper is greater than the shouts of the accuser.
Nothing frightens the enemy more than an army he cannot predict, manipulate or conjole.
I stand. Ready. The enemy will be defeated in the timing, on the day the Commander decrees if I obey His battle plan.
The enemy I fight most resides in my helmet - my mind. That tells me I am alone. Everyone else has fled. No one stands with me. My vision is obscured from my helmet but I dare not look left or right. I steady my mind with this firm resolve - I will not run from battle nor will I run before I am called.
I am a soldier in the army of the my Lord. I do not stand alone.
A while back I was homeschooling my oldest and we were working on math. He's always been good at math and has understood it very quickly. While that's great, it has also presented a problem. He's now getting into a kind of math that isn't as easy to understand right away. I believe he will eventually get it and do well, but it will take a little more practice and time. I see his skills and believe in his ability to excel in this. As we were sitting together going over the problems he had gotten wrong, he was overwhelmed with how many he had messed up. He reacted so strongly to this disappointment in himself that it kind of caught me off guard. I wasn't upset at all that he'd gotten some wrong, nor did I have the expectation - spoken or unspoken - that he shouldn't have any trouble at all. In fact, I was the opposite. I knew it was difficult and would take some practice to understand. It would also take patience and persistence - as well as good handwriting :) I was fully prepared to be going over many problems with him. Somehow he didn't believe me though. He was still thinking he should've gotten everything right on the first try. Eventually there were tears and storming off. And I just stared after him in awe, wondering what had just happened. While I stood there, jaw dropped, I felt the Lord say to me, "Does this seem familiar to you at all?" As I thought about it it was absolutely familiar. My son was acting like me. And I was feeling how God feels. Boom. How often has God given me an assignment, a calling, and because I didn't get it right away or succeed in the way I thought I should have been able to, I've stomped off in frustration with disappointment all over my face? Too many times I'm afraid. And I feel like God has quietly stood watching, thinking "I know she can do this. I know it will be hard but I believe in her ability to accomplish this. It will take some hard work and some perseverance but I know she will excel. Why does she think she has to be perfect right away? I've never condemned her for her set backs, never yelled at her failings. I've only encouraged and trained. Why doesn't she believe me? I am fully prepared to walk through this with her and help her along the way." I am blown away at how God takes a situation with one of my children and overwhelms me with His heart, His love, His tender kindness towards me. In a way that I can totally relate. He's so patient with me, His often-stubborn, doubting, smart, capable daughter.
My oldest daughter has spent the last year or so slowly learning the sport of archery. Never having shot a bow either, I found myself in the position to learn a completely new skill in order to teach it to my daughter. It has taken a considerable amount of grace and patience on both our parts, but she is learning to enjoy this new sport she has discovered.
A few months ago, I was reading in Psalms and stumbled across these verses:
I could see in my mind's eye my daughter, grown, releasing arrows into the sky with skill and confidence. Releasing her destiny. When children are ready, they will be released from our homes like arrows from a bow, full of power and strength. They have the capability of flying straight and true to their appointed destiny.
As I was mulling over this image, Father asked me what it takes to release an arrow properly. He and I discovered together four aspects of an excellent archer: patience, concentration, strength, and tension. All four are required for an arrow to fly to its greatest potential.
Patience:
It takes time to place an arrow in the string, to line up the target. It takes composure and self-control to wait for the wind to blow in a favorable direction, for your heartbeat and breathing to settle down. An arrow shot out of wildness or agitation will not fly as consistently as one released from calmness.
Concentration:
A key component of archery is laser-focus on the target. You have to be able to see exactly where you want that arrow to hit, and nothing else. Your arrow follows your eye - if your attention is pulled to anything but your target, that is where your arrow will fly.
Strength:
It takes tremendous muscle strength to draw the bow back and hold it steady while aiming. Even a child's training bow can weigh 20 pounds. You do not build that strength overnight. It takes consistent repetition to train your muscles to pull the bow back to its optimum tension. And that optimum tension is what gives the arrow its speed.
Tension:
Oh the tension! The facet of archery most would like to forget is the most essential. You can have the other three aspects, but without the tension, the arrow will not fly. The speed at which the arrow will fly is directly proportional to the amount of tension with which the archer draws back the arrow. Little tension equals little flight. Full tension equals full flight.
We were in the midst of a difficult situation with one of our daughters when Father taught me this lesson about archery. I found such hope in the realization that all four, including tension, were necessary for my little arrows to fly straight someday. It gave me such courage to continue to persevere with the girls, that the hard work and training would see a reward.
And then Father stopped me dead in my tracks.
"My daughter. What of the situation I've placed you in now?"
The "situation" is a struggle we have been battling in my husband's business for the last five months. Some aspects of this struggle have come about as consequences of our choices. But other aspects have been completely out of our control. And it has been incredibly difficult to get up every morning and continue fighting. To continue hoping and believing the promises in spite of the struggle.
"My daughter," He said to me, "I have allowed you to remain in this situation. You have dreams and passions that I have given you both. But those dreams will not be realized to their full potential unless you allow Me to draw back the bow. Will you show the patience, concentration, and strength needed to release your arrows? Will you allow Me to extend the tension to its tightest, and release only when I know you're ready? If you are done, if you truly no longer want this, I will allow release. But know that when you make the choice to release, your arrow will not fly as I have calculated. The arrows I've designed for you will fly their best when you allow Me to hold the bow, when you allow My strength to draw back the string, when you allow My patience and concentration to focus on the target, and when you allow the tension I have designed to hold the arrow back until I decide to release the arrow."
And here we find the crux. We each have dreams, arrows we want to see fly. Are we willing to let Him hold the bow? Are we willing to submit to His strength, or are we trying to pull back the draw on our own? Is our concentration solely on Him, or are we allowing distractions to pull us away from our target? Can we be patient and wait for His timing? And are we willing to feel the tension?
My husband and I are on staff with a non-profit ministry, which means
we’re responsible for raising our own financial support team. We also can’t
report to our ministry assignment until we’re fully funded.
No big deal—I thought we
would crush it in six months or less and get back to our lives.
Well, here we are over a year and a half later and we still haven’t “crushed
it”.
Sometimes it feels like it’s crushed us.
As newlyweds, we’ve had to sacrifice having our own place and having the
freedom in that to learn how to be a married couple. Continually traveling for
our job, we found ourselves always being a guest in someone else’s home—for
days, weeks, months at a time—sleeping wherever people would let us, from an
air mattress or a couch in someone’s living room to a whole guest suite in
someone’s basement. In either case, it’s hard to explore the ins and outs of
marriage and intentionally pour into it when we’re trying to be respectful of someone else’s space. Our marriage
struggled because of it.
Add that to financial problems, and believe me we’ve had many. Where were we
supposed to find the privacy and space to talk through and figure out how to
manage our finances as a married couple? There were many times our bills
(forget about normal expenses like groceries and gas) far exceeded our income.
[Spoiler alert: God provided!] It was stressful to say the least. I could be
working a “normal” job and maybe not be in this situation.
We also found that some of the community around us who we hoped would encourage
us were actually the ones who discouraged us the most. Instead of pushing us
forward towards our goal, they suggested that full-time ministry was pre-mature
for us. Ouch!
But still we press forward. Why? Because this is what God has called us
to. These struggles won’t last forever. They’re temporary, but necessary steps
as we’re obedient to the Lord. It’s so helpful to have that perspective—it’s a
game changer.
Sometimes, it is only our confidence in this calling that keeps us pressing
forward. If we weren’t confident, several people would have talked us out of it
by now. But God is good and He’s brought people into our lives who have
encouraged us and poured life into us when we needed it most.
The value of friends that stick with us and lift us up in times of need far exceeds
any earthly treasure. They’ve rejoiced with us in our blessings, and they’ve
cried out for us in our hurts. They encourage us daily and remind us of God’s
amazing plan and provision. How could we not press on with such an amazing
community cheering us on?
Resting in who God is and His character also helps in times of struggle and
enduring.
There’s this amazing story in Ezra about the Israelites rebuilding the temple
for the Lord. This is no small thing. It’s extravagant with gold and silver and
lots of detail. Where did they get all these resources to build it? In Ezra 6
the King of Persia issued a decree that the costs were to be paid by the royal treasury! Let the temple be rebuilt as a place to
present sacrifices, and let is foundations be laid…The costs are to be paid by
the royal treasury. Also, the gold and silver articles of the house of God,
which Nebuchadnezzar took from the temple in Jerusalem and brought to Babylon,
are to be returned to their places in the temple in Jerusalem; they are to be
deposited in the house of God. Ezra 6:3-5
Hebrews 13:8 says, “Jesus Christ
is the same yesterday and today and forever.” That means the same God who
provided for the Israelites to rebuild His temple is the same God who not only
provides our financial support, but for all my needs. And He has! And He is
still providing! That’s amazing! That’s worth enduring for.
Even though we’re not finished yet, encouraging community, God’s
unchanging character, and His Word has kept us going and continues to do so.
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