Testimony Tuesday - Prayer Changed My Marriage

We had already been married for a year and a half when I finally came to terms with the fact that my husband was an alcoholic. In the beginning he hid it well. When I finally realized why he had such extreme mood swings and could never explain where cash went it was devastating. Later I found out he was drinking at least two pints a day and constantly, literally non-stop, lying to me. Even with in-your-face evidence he would blatantly deny with anger, pity or silence.  To say I had no hope was an extreme understatement.

In the early parts divorce was my favorite word. I came to the conclusion that me controlling him was the only way to fix this. Basically I was under the illusion that I could even control my husband. Big, big, BIG laugh.  

Looking back it literally makes me nauseous at how dark and depressing it was living with this person I didn’t know and in my mind didn’t agree to marry. Anyone that personally knows an alcoholic will understand, they are literally in every way a 100% completely different person. 

God has a way of waiting until you are ready to let go and give it up to him so that he can work and heal. In January of 2014 I got to the point of desperation.  Psalms 107 was my very close and personal friend - “Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress.”  

I was ready to let go of my delusional control and allow God to work in our marriage. I now refused to say the d-word… divorce. Only God knows our heart (1 Kings 8:39) and I wasn’t about to give the enemy that power. 

This was just about the time of the church fast and I “happened” to come across Mark 9:14-29 about the boy with the unclean spirit that could only be cast out by prayer and fasting. I knew my husband had evil spirits around him that did not want to let go. It was pretty scary at first until I realized the power of the Holy Spirit and the authority I have being a daughter of the most high, but that’s a whole different story. Needless to say, I wholeheartedly participated in the fast. 

That month was simultaneously the loneliest and most amazingly comforting month of my life. My husband was gone. I told him that I had tried my best to help but that his actions were detrimental to our family and I wouldn’t allow him to scar our children and myself that way. He left.  

At first I was freaking out, how can I take care of this house and these kids with no income, no time, no help? But immediately I felt at peace about my decision. This was a huge comfort from the Holy Spirit because to me in the beginning, and to most people, it seemed as if I was tearing my life apart and hurting my husband. This is where the endurance and perseverance came in. Almost everybody in my life disagreed with me. They thought I was hurting him, they thought I should feel guilty and ashamed of what I was doing. They thought that love means never saying no. As I explained my decision to one of his close family members about me always saving him from the consequences of his drinking and that he would never fully see the consequences of what he was doing until I let him, they curtly replied “But he doesn’t learn from his consequences”.  

A book that I thoroughly enjoyed during this time was called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. It talks A LOT about addiction and destructive relationships and that the best relationships have good boundaries. Boundaries where you can say no, and yes and respect yourself and others enough to say when enough is enough- I won’t allow you to hurt me anymore. 

He was gone for a month - a month of not knowing where I would find money for the mortgage, the bills, food and also not knowing what he was doing (besides random phone calls late at night). I dove into the arms of God. I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE, I was desperate. I needed this to change. I knew God had plans to sustain and build up our marriage and I fought for it daily. I fasted, I prayed, I read my bible, I cried out. I was so angry and God took it all. He was my rock so much so that I once told my husband “I desperately want your love I truly do, but I don’t need it, I need my God and his love to sustain me.”

The very day the church fast ended he returned to Durango, sober. He’s been sober for 14 months (a year longer than he’s ever been sober in 10 years)!!!   

There are two very big lessons learned and the first is this: You can’t control anyone but yourself, and even in that you need to solely rely on God. I’m an action person - if I see a need I do something, and praying never seemed like I was doing something about it-SO WRONG. If you want to help someone the very first thing should be prayer, there is no stronger power we have as children of the Most High.   

The second lesson was very harsh for me and that is that just because his sin was more apparent than mine doesn’t mean I don’t have sin. God knew that I needed time too, to dig and scrape inside myself and recognize that I was not part of the solution. It was never my fault that he was an alcoholic but I sure as heck wasn’t helping.

Testimony Tuesday - Your passion and calling

The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling.

. Fabienne Fredrickson

Someone posted this on Facebook a little while ago. It really put in words some things that have been going on in my life over the last 8 months.

I work as a horse trainer and in April of last year I left my trainer job of 7 years and went out on my own. It was a huge step both financially and emotionally. I now needed to make sure I had enough work to help support my family but also to further my career.

So I talked to God about it. One thing that happened was that one day when I stood brushing a horse I thought to myself that “ I really would like a horse like this” (this particular horse is probably one of the highest quality horses I’ve ever worked with, really nice high dollar horse) but then the next thought in my head was” but what if it would get injured?” At that moment I heard a voice (can’t say if it was audible or not) say “ Why would I not bless you?” It hit me really hard. Did I not have faith that God would also take care of my horses? It brought me down a new trail of thoughts and prayers. Was I allowed to pray about my job working with horses? I have ridden since I was little and it was always my dream and goal to be a professional trainer. But I don’t think I ever really prayed about it much, especially not for God to bless me in it. I only did it because I had fun and loved doing it.

You also need to know that I have many times in my life seen God move mountains in all kind of areas. I have always believed God had a calling on my life that I one day would fulfill which is how I ended up here.  I came to the US to work with troubled teenagers and horses on a Christian boys ranch. There was suppose to be horses but the main thing was to work with the kids. It ended up never happening. I did administration work instead. 

Anyway here I was realizing that God actually wanted to bless me in the work I am doing. WOW! All of a sudden the words I started out with totally made sense. To be a horse trainer is my life’s passion but also my life’s calling. It is what I am supposed to do. And as one of our pastors so well talked about a while back, it is about seeing dry bones come to live one at the time and be intentional in our relationships and we will see people revived.  To be a missionary doesn’t only mean to leave your home and country and do something totally foreign (even though I tried that to and am very thankful I did) but it means to do God’s mission wherever he sends you.  And in my case it means to serve him as I train horses and teach people to ride.

I wish I could make you understand what a revelation this was to me. I have ridden and trained horses since I was a kid.  But to realize that this is what God wants me to do with the rest of my life, He is the one that put that passion in my life, and He wants me to use it for his glory. I’m blown away.  Now I feel like I can pray for my job, my clients, my future with a whole new level of faith. Now I pray With God instead of To him.

This gives me a different strategy for my future and a feeling of security that is pretty cool!

Blessings!

Daniela Leidy

Testimony Tuesday - He listens

Right after Christmas we found out that we will need to be out of the house we currently rent by May. So, we had and have been praying about housing. On the first day of the fast this year; my husband was sharing with a gentleman at church about needing to find a place. This same gentlemen just so happens to have a place that he is fixing up and wanting to rent out to a family in April. It has many of the things that we have been praying for. Even if this is not the house for us, it was the encouragement that both of us needed that God is indeed working on our housing situation and is listening to our prayers.

Testimony Tuesday - As God Sees Me

I have battled depression and perfectionism since childhood.  In high school, overwhelmed with the fact that I was no longer at the top academically and seeing no end to the pain that was my home life, I began a cycle of starving myself and binge eating.  Food was something I could control.  If I couldn't have perfect grades, if my family was broken, at least I could make my body do what I wanted it to do.  I had always seen myself as too ugly, too fat and too masculine.  I didn't want my curvy hips and powerful thighs.  I wanted the skinny, model body I saw in all the popular girls. 

So I began starving myself, always careful to eat normally around my parents lest they discover my secret.  But when the pounds wouldn't come off as fast as I though they should, I would feed my depression at yet another failure and binge.  No one noticed what I was doing - or if they did they never said anything to me.  And, honestly, this is the first time I've spoken publicly about this part of my past.  This cycle lasted a year, until I began to turn to self-harm as a way to ease my pain and end my failed life. 

Fast forward to this month.  Father had been nudging me to fast for some time, but, like a child, I stuck my fingers in my ears and ignored Him.  The truth was, I was scared. This was a part of my past I wanted to leave in the past, to ignore and hope it would go away.  I was scared of the emotions and memories that would come up if I chose to give up food.  I could come up with a million and one excuses why I shouldn't fast for a week.  And, in my head, they all seemed perfectly logical and reasonable.  But don't we all know that our gentle Father is not about doing things in a way that seems logical or reasonable to us?

Finally I found myself staring at a juicer in Target and hearing Father's voice saying, "What excuse are you going to come up with this time?" And I realized that hearing His voice was so much more important than my fears.  And there were some serious situations in my life that I needed to hear from Him on.  So I chose obedience, hoping that we could deal with these current situations and leave the past in the past. 

Yeah.  Not so much.  God had other intentions. 

I found myself at Zumba class on Tuesday, working out with almost as much energy as I usually have.  I marveled at the way my body had adjusted, having no food for days.  And instantly my mind was transported back to those days in high school, the fear, the pain, the rejection.  I not only had the memories, I felt the memories. I felt every ounce of self-hatred I had for myself, every ounce of depression over my failures, every sickening ounce of belief that there was no way I would ever be beautiful or lovely.  I saw myself once again counting saltine crackers so I could feel full without lots of calories. I saw myself eating an entire package of Oreos in one sitting because I hadn't lost enough weight.  And it broke me. 

I sat with Father later that day and sobbed.  I begged Him to take those memories away, to help me forget.  Instead,  He took me to His word:

Ecclesiastes 3:11
Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own times. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end.

And then He began to tell me all the things about myself that He found beautiful.  He spoke truth to my heart, to my soul.  And He held me while I mourned the pain and the hurt those lies that I believed have caused me all these years. 

Now, I cannot tell you honestly that I looked in the mirror today and was completely satisfied.  But it was better.  It was better because I chose to believe the truth from His Word, that He gave me my own beauty for His own purpose.  And I know that every day I choose to trust Him at His word, I will begin to see myself like He sees me. 

Tiffany Bleger

Testimony Tuesday

 

I'm sharing this testimony because I am experiencing Jesus in a new way through fasting and praying as well as worship and praise.  I've been attending TRC for the past 9 years and in that time have had a variety of experiences with Jesus in a variety of ways.  He's been very real and shown me things in my relationships, in my service, in my worship and whenever I seek his face.  My desire in my heart is for Jesus to transform me and for me to be a vessel of his love and compassion in a hurting world.

What I am realizing is that I cannot be a vessel if I have not been healed of some of the hurt and yuck I have carried around with me most of my adult life.  Some of the things of my past, my sin and my life have kept me from an intimate relationship with him.  But he is SO faithful because as I seek his face in all of it, he begins to reveal more and more to me about how I can bring these things to light. 

So recently I have been "juice" fasting and praying.  If you would have told me a while back that I'd be someone who loves to "not eat" and "deny my flesh" to seek the Lord I would have laughed very hard.  Eating is my thing, I love food. I love talking about food, smelling food, researching recipes, eating things with my kids and recently I've been on a vegan recipe hunt.  (just because I love fruits and vegetables and how they make me feel)  I'm fasting and praying for some big things in my personal life and in the riverKIDS ministry.  What happens when I fast is that I deny my flesh and my spirit soars… it's the only way I can describe it.  I read the bible and words are beaming… I listen to worship and I am rocked… I talk to people about their circumstances and all I can see is the spiritual side of things and how God sees their difficulties.  The fast I am on now has been the most difficult of any fast I have done.  I have to leave the room when I feed my family.  Food smells so incredibly good… I have to keep my bible close by so I can fill my spirit instead of my flesh. It's awesome and painfully uncomfortable at the same time.  God's voice is so close to me when I fast… I just love it.

So last Sunday during worship, I was praying and asking God for more of him and just reveling in His goodness. He showed me a picture of myself worshiping at TRC back when it was New Life and I was visiting my family when Grace was only about 6 weeks old.  We had come to visit the church when it was called New Life and pastor Gary was still here.  I wasn't close to the Lord at that time, but I knew he was drawing me in.  When Grace was born God became so real to me, it was the beginning of my heart being softened enough to hear him.  As the worship music filled the sanctuary my heart softened even more, tears started flowing as I held my new baby in this church as the healing words of scripture fell upon both of us.  I wept and did not know why I was weeping.  During Worship Holy Spirit began bringing this memory back to me and said, do you remember when I softened your heart 9 years ago… I responded… yes… I remember…

Then immediately Holy Spirit brought me the vision of a potters wheel and a clay pot sitting on it.  I immediately felt a rush of love wash over me.  The Lord said to me,  I am doing a new thing in you… I am molding you, because I love you.  I am not molding you because I need you to be different. I am molding you because I love you too much and I have SO much for you. More than you could ever dream.  Allow me to mold you. The clay does not fight the potter's hands.  All the clay has to do is sit there, trusting  the artist and my love will mold you into the woman I have created you to be. 
 

The voice… crystal clear… the vision very powerful and the message healed my heart.  I guess I am writing this testimony to let people know it's important that we allow the Lord to show us things during worship.  If you saw me last Sunday I could not stop crying… I was poised to hear him from fasting, I was letting my heart feel and receive all he had for me and I was responding and communicating back to him as I praised him in each song.  God is moving ladies… just like Mark said - he desires a deep intimate relationship with all of us.  Don't back down.  Show up.  Let him soften your hearts and mold you into the beautiful woman he has created you to be.   Even though all of these things have been uncomfortable… I know they will bring Him Glory… what motivation! 

Jen Kline

Testimony Tuesday - Fasting

Fasting isn't easy.  It's not supposed to be.  That's probably why we (as people) tend to avoid it if possible.  Fasting involves saying no to things we want and that's just not fun! 

I have done different fasts as a believer.  Up to this point the longest juice fast I have done was 2 weeks and that was in college.  I've fasted one day a week for a while, done a Daniel fast for 21 days, done different juice fasts for a week at a time...but this one is different.  Yes it's physically different (longer) but I'm also at a different place in my life.  I find that God is always inviting me to go deeper with Him so each fast is just a bit different.  Physically it isn't fun but spiritually it's amazing!

If you do not attend our church let me fill you in.  Mark has called our church to a 21 day fast.  It started on the 11th and will go to the 31st.  He just asked people to pray about what to fast.  He and I are juice fasting (eating nothing and drinking fresh juice from our juicer and water and hot tea).  I started last Monday because I will be out of town when the fast ends and the logistics of continuing to fast or come out of the fast were a bit challenging so I started early and will end early so I can adjust to eating food again before I leave town. So today I am on Day 9. I thought I'd share a bit that God is doing in me while I've been fasting.  

Here is something I wrote down the other day as I was journaling (something I highly recommend while fasting) ---As believers our relationship with earthly things should be Yadah (meaning with open hands - you may recall that from our women's retreat). However many things are held close with tight fists. Fasting reveals our true feelings about certain things. If God is asking us to fast from something and we flat out say no, we are declaring that that is more important than Him. He reveals our relationship with that thing (food, technology, etc...) Fasting helps loosen the hold things can have on is. Fasting frees us from earthly things and focuses our eyes on Christ. ----

I have been able to look at my attitude about giving things up and have realized the need I have placed on things that I don't really "need".  What takes up my time, what distracts me, what keeps me entertained... I'm not saying we should cut out everything (as I type on my computer) but to realize the relationship I have with these things.  Are they more important that my time with God?  Sometimes my answer isn't what I'd like it to be...Fasting helps me see where I have placed things in order of importance and how I can return them to their proper place.

I had an interesting experience with my kids that I thought I'd share with you.  My two oldest, Kale (9) and Kate (7), told us that they wanted to join the 21 day fast and do a Daniel Fast (eating only fruits, veggies, beans and nuts).  We wanted to encourage them to do what they felt God was telling them to do but we knew that 21 days is really hard for adults.  We didn't really know what that would do to our kids.  We encouraged them to start with 2 days and see how it went, then decide if they wanted to do the whole 21.  They agreed.

Kale started Saturday and Kate started Sunday.  They were both fired up at the beginning.  Seemed like they'd do really well.  Then temptation came and it went from fun to extremely difficult.  There were a few things we did on Sunday that involved food and they just looked at it and drooled!

Finally Sunday night at a housewarming party we attended (with amazing smelling food!!) they broke down.  They didn't know what to do.  They really wanted to eat the good food and not just the veggies.  So we went into another room for a chat.  I told them that I wasn't making them fast and I reminded them that this was something they thought God was telling them to do.  I encouraged them to go speak with God and then do what He told them to do.  

A few minutes later they came back to where we were and said that God told them they could be done fasting :) and then they proceeded to eat happily.  I wasn't disappointed in their decision.  I'm proud of them for even attempting!  They are definitely at an age where they aren't used to having to tell themselves no.  They rely on us for that. Haha!  But this was a great lesson on practicing hearing and obeying what the Holy Spirit tells them to do.  Something I need practice in!

It was really interesting to watch my kids struggle with the same things I do - telling myself to obey the Holy Spirit and not my desires.  It isn't easy for anyone.  But with the help of the Holy Spirit it's possible!  And freeing!