Testimony Tuesday - As God Sees Me

I have battled depression and perfectionism since childhood.  In high school, overwhelmed with the fact that I was no longer at the top academically and seeing no end to the pain that was my home life, I began a cycle of starving myself and binge eating.  Food was something I could control.  If I couldn't have perfect grades, if my family was broken, at least I could make my body do what I wanted it to do.  I had always seen myself as too ugly, too fat and too masculine.  I didn't want my curvy hips and powerful thighs.  I wanted the skinny, model body I saw in all the popular girls. 

So I began starving myself, always careful to eat normally around my parents lest they discover my secret.  But when the pounds wouldn't come off as fast as I though they should, I would feed my depression at yet another failure and binge.  No one noticed what I was doing - or if they did they never said anything to me.  And, honestly, this is the first time I've spoken publicly about this part of my past.  This cycle lasted a year, until I began to turn to self-harm as a way to ease my pain and end my failed life. 

Fast forward to this month.  Father had been nudging me to fast for some time, but, like a child, I stuck my fingers in my ears and ignored Him.  The truth was, I was scared. This was a part of my past I wanted to leave in the past, to ignore and hope it would go away.  I was scared of the emotions and memories that would come up if I chose to give up food.  I could come up with a million and one excuses why I shouldn't fast for a week.  And, in my head, they all seemed perfectly logical and reasonable.  But don't we all know that our gentle Father is not about doing things in a way that seems logical or reasonable to us?

Finally I found myself staring at a juicer in Target and hearing Father's voice saying, "What excuse are you going to come up with this time?" And I realized that hearing His voice was so much more important than my fears.  And there were some serious situations in my life that I needed to hear from Him on.  So I chose obedience, hoping that we could deal with these current situations and leave the past in the past. 

Yeah.  Not so much.  God had other intentions. 

I found myself at Zumba class on Tuesday, working out with almost as much energy as I usually have.  I marveled at the way my body had adjusted, having no food for days.  And instantly my mind was transported back to those days in high school, the fear, the pain, the rejection.  I not only had the memories, I felt the memories. I felt every ounce of self-hatred I had for myself, every ounce of depression over my failures, every sickening ounce of belief that there was no way I would ever be beautiful or lovely.  I saw myself once again counting saltine crackers so I could feel full without lots of calories. I saw myself eating an entire package of Oreos in one sitting because I hadn't lost enough weight.  And it broke me. 

I sat with Father later that day and sobbed.  I begged Him to take those memories away, to help me forget.  Instead,  He took me to His word:

Ecclesiastes 3:11
Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own times. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end.

And then He began to tell me all the things about myself that He found beautiful.  He spoke truth to my heart, to my soul.  And He held me while I mourned the pain and the hurt those lies that I believed have caused me all these years. 

Now, I cannot tell you honestly that I looked in the mirror today and was completely satisfied.  But it was better.  It was better because I chose to believe the truth from His Word, that He gave me my own beauty for His own purpose.  And I know that every day I choose to trust Him at His word, I will begin to see myself like He sees me. 

Tiffany Bleger