The Dreaded TeeShirt Drawer

By Tiffany Bleger

So, my dear husband likes tee shirts. A lot. Plain tee shirts, colored tee shirts, tee shirts with business logos, tee shirts with funny pictures, tee shirts with sports teams. I counted them one time. And just shook my head in amazement. 

The tee shirts go in two drawers in the dear husband's dresser. When we first got married, we quickly realized that we had two very distinct tee shirt folding styles. And those two folding styles were, more often than not, completely incompatible with each other. So, I would wash the clothes and fold them. When I would put them away, I would put them in the drawer "my way". Any shirts that were in the drawer folded "his way" would get refolded to "my way" and stacked with the others. 

This method had the potential to work perfectly... if only the husband didn't wear the tee shirts. 

You see, the husband actually likes to wear the tee shirts. So he would rifle through the drawer, looking for "that one", messing up my perfectly aligned stacks. If he refolded any of them, they were folded "his way". Have you realized yet that "his way" equaled wrong in my mind? Other times, the shirts were just shoved back in haphazardly, which was only slightly worse than folding them "his way". So every time I did the laundry, I ended up refolding and reorganizing his tee shirt drawers again. 

This process became so annoying and tedious that I began to dread the laundry. I began to harbor resentment against my husband. I began to believe lies like -

"You know, if he appreciated you, he wouldn't do this."

"He doesn't see how hard you work around here. You're invisible."

"He doesn't respect you. You don't matter." 

It got so bad, I stopped dealing with the drawers all together. I would fold his tee shirts and leave them stacked on top of the dresser. If he put them in the drawer, fine. If he didn't, fine. I wasn't going to deal with it. And I wasn't going to acknowledge the obvious lack of communication that was occurring either. 

Fast forward a few years. I'm browsing Pinterest, wasting time, when I stumbled across an article about folding tee shirts. I clicked on the link, not expecting anything. But what I found started a new process of communication in our marriage. The method taught by the website was different than my method, and different than his. It even had you stack the tee shirts in the drawer differently. The more I looked at it, the more I thought it just might work, if I could convince him to go along with the plan. 

But first I had to talk to the dear husband about it. 

Neither of us like confrontation. We were both raised in families that did not deal with confrontation well, and so we both took the "don't rock the boat" mentality. It was easier to harbor bitterness and resentment than actually face and deal with the hurts we caused each other. 

Guess what I found out when I finally talked to my husband? When I told him how frustrating it was to be continually folding and refolding laundry? How unappreciated and invisible it made me feel? 

I found out my husband wasn't a mind reader. And neither was I. 

He had no clue why the tee shirts had started being left on the top of the drawer. He had no idea  how frustrated and alone I felt. 

We talked about that dreaded tee shirt drawer. We talked about this crazy idea I had to do something completely different. We talked about talking to each other. About really being honest. About sharing our needs, our desires, and our hurts without making assumptions about the other person. 

And we folded the tee shirts. 

Today, when I open the drawer, there's usually a few haphazard shirts. But they don't bother me like they used to. I refold them and stack them, knowing that it excites my husband to be able to see all the tee shirts at once. And I'm at peace knowing that I can take my wounds and fears to my husband in safety. 

You see, it was never about the tee shirts at all. It was all about the communication. 

Learning to Forgive - PART 2

By Megan Danquah

Last month, I began this mini-series (HERE) on forgiveness by sharing some of the truths that I discovered about forgiveness, taken from my personal forgiveness journey. Today, I would like to share the practical steps that you can take to see freedom from wounds small and big alike become a reality in your own life.

1.  First of all, you must know what it is that hurt you. In other words, you must define the pain you are experiencing. Without definition, it is a cancer that is spreading throughout your body, slowly killing your soul and spirit, and eventually your body as well! Keeping a journal is helpful in this process. You can start by writing a detailed account of the event that caused the pain. What happened? Who said what? Where were you, what were you wearing, what were you feeling? How old were you at the time? Afterward, you can use a series of statements to help you further mine out the consequences of the injury you experienced. Help yourself to fill in statements about what you believed before the injury occurred and what it has caused you to believe now.

2. Once you have thoroughly defined the pain you have experienced, you must own it as your own. You must make sure that you are able to separate out the pain that you experienced versus the pain others may have experienced because of the same event. You do not want to be taking on other’s pain in this process. Own only what is yours. After you have done that, it is imperative that you, in essence, be able to look at that pain you have defined, and say to it “I see you, I understand you, and I accept you.” You need to accept that the pain you experienced is yours to own and the fact that it will shape the person you are to become.

3. Next is the part where you put the blame where it belongs. I had tendencies of taking blame upon myself for many wounds I experienced in my life. It was a coping mechanism in which helped me to avoid the anger and grief that I experienced as a result of injurious circumstances. One of the most empowering things that I ever did was fully feel the anger and sadness and despair that were my right to feel after the injury I experienced. It kept the depression at bay because I wasn’t blaming myself. It helped me understand that the clinical definition of depression—anger turned inward—was true! Misplaced anger, or misplaced blame, incapacitates us and disempowers us, causing depression and fog in our lives.

4. Then it was time for me to decide to forgive. And you know what? I could, much easier. It was no longer a “mind-over-matter” situation for me because I had given vent to my feelings of anger, sadness, and despair, for as long as I needed to do so. And I had done that in the correct direction, putting the blame where it belonged, which was outside of myself and on the person it belonged to.

Finally, FREEDOM!  Let’s say it again: F*R*E*E*D*O*M!!!!  

You CAN achieve forgiveness. You CAN see a strength emerge in yourself that you never saw before. You CAN live in freedom and wholeness. You CAN heal! My hope is that this post has taken some of the mystery out of the very intentional process that we call forgiveness and my encouragement is that, no matter were you are in your life, that you take your first steps into that freedom. It really is there, and it really is possible! 

Can you see yourself walking through these steps and finding freedom and wholeness? Do you believe it is possible? If not, what is holding you back?

**On a last note, a huge resource that I used in my process which goes into much more detail than I did here was a book called Forgiving the Unforgivable by Beverly Flanigan. The forgiveness steps I used here were adapted from her book. 

Learning to Forgive - Part 1

By Megan Danquah

Ever wonder about WHAT it means to forgive and HOW to actually forgive? In a two-part post “series” I would like to take some time here to “de-mystify” the process. 

In my experience, forgiveness always felt elusive. I knew that it was the right thing to do, but I never understood how. In one sense, I understood it was a matter of my will—a matter of forcing my emotions and pain to bow to my will to say that it is ok, what happened didn’t matter, that if I just put on the love of Christ, all will be well and I will be able to forget about what grievance I experienced at the hand of another person. In another sense, I understood it to be some sort of miraculous exchange of my hurt for the love of Christ for whomever it was who had wounded me. Both understandings left me spending copious amounts of time “praying” - which was really just time spent trying to achieve mind over matter, repeating a mantra in my mind similar to “These feelings of pain can’t rule me anymore, these feelings of pain can’t rule me anymore”.  

The other thing I believed about forgiveness was that the faster it was achieved, the better. I believed that the more quickly I was able to achieve this “mind-over-matter” state, the happier the Lord would be with me. I believed that God wanted me to get rid of my unforgiveness as quickly as possible. Because of this I feel like I spent much of my life attempting to stuff all these wounds - from childhood into adulthood - because, for me, mind-over-matter was unfortunately unachievable. No matter how hard I white-knuckled it, nothing was changing. The pain was still there. All I was accomplishing was becoming a master at living in a perpetual state of denial.

Then something happened to me. I will not go into detail, but it is enough to know that I was deeply betrayed by someone extremely close to me. Betrayed in a way that my whole world and all I knew, along with all the devices I had used to cope with the pain in my life, were destroyed, and not by my own choosing. Here are a few things that I lost as a result: friends, my home, my job. Not to mention some of the emotional things I had lost: trust, a sense of belonging, a sense of justice, a sense of pure love, and all sense of the false security that I had carefully used to protect my heart my whole life. 

So here I was. Faced with forgiveness on a whole different level. A level one-hundred times deeper than any I had faced before. Praise God that He knows us intimately, and He knows exactly what, and WHO we need in our life to help us through when crisis occurs. He did that for me, and here’re a few things I have come to understand about forgiveness:

1. Forgiveness is a process, not a one-off spiritual transaction. We don't need to make it a race to the finish line. I believe it is important to start the process, but not to rush through it. There are so many things to learn about myself and God and others through the process of forgiveness. I do not want to lose that opportunity because of my wrong thinking that God wants this over with as soon as possible, or because I want this over with as soon as possible. It’s hard to sit in our pain, isn’t it? But it is through that very act that healing comes. 

2. Forgiveness is a lot more practical than I ever thought. There are actual steps that I can take, with actual exercises and practices that I can adopt, that will walk me through to a place where I am ready to move forward in my life. (More about that in Part 2). 

3. Forgiveness really has nothing to do with saying the words “I forgive you.” I used that for years in order to feel like I had really done it. Somehow those three words were supposed to equal spiritual and emotional proof that the elusive and miraculous “transaction” of forgiveness had taken place. Forgiveness is a very individual, inner and private process. Only you can know what it is like to live with the pain you have and know the hard work you have achieved to reach a place where you have forgiven.

 

4. Forgiveness requires work. Hard work. BUT it is some of the most valuable work I have ever done for myself. The old saying is true: Forgiveness is about letting someone out of prison, only to discover that the someone was you. The brilliant thing is that it really is for me! It is one of the best things I have undertaken to show love and compassion to myself.  I saw a strength in me that I never knew that I had!!!  

Next month, I will share further some specific steps that you can take to walk through the forgiveness process.

What have you believed to be true about forgiveness and did it hinder the forgiveness process for you?

Would we know if it was there?

I was presented with this question in a Bible study I am doing: Do you have any committed bitterness or unforgiveness in your life?

I thought and thought (I like to give real responses) and my answer was no.  At this time I do not.  Yes, I have had it in the past, but I am confident in God's forgiveness and healing in that area.  But then I added, if there's more it hasn't been brought to my attention. 

Thus started a line of thinking about would we know if it was there. 

Stay with me for a sec. 

In my experience, my own and others, there are situations, emotions and responses that we've experienced our whole lives.  They have become a part of who we are.  We honestly don't know anything apart from them.  If you've ever said I've always felt this way or this is just who I am, then this pertains to you.  Just because it's always been this way or we've always felt this way doesn't make it not worth visiting and letting The Lord heal. 

If your dad left your family years and years ago you may have unforgiveness.  It just may not feel like unforgiveness because it's always been there and because you may not be visibly angry anymore.  It may now just feel like apathy.  'Whatever. My dad was a jerk.  He left my mom to raise us alone.  Hope he's happy living his own life.'

Sounds nice enough, but is there true forgiveness in there or is the unforgiveness so hidden we aren't sure that's what it is? 

The enemy is a deceiver and a liar.  The Bible also says that we deceive ourselves.  We have ourselves convinced that we're fine so that when we're asked if there's unforgiveness in our hearts we look for one or two signs of it, don't see it and deceive ourselves into thinking we're just fine.  Yet were still in bondage! 

Don't go second guessing every little thing you think or hear. That's not my point.  Believe me.  I've done that!  It's miserable too!  I'm just saying when you get asked a question like I did, don't automatically dismiss it and say I'm fine.  Say to The Lord 'Is it me?' and then let Him answer.  He will reveal the truth if you let Him. 

We need to be self aware.  Not self absorbed, but able to see ourselves clearly. That's humility.  Seeing ourselves from a real perspective - good and bad.  God doesn't want us to dwell in either place.  We just need to know the good we are capable of as well as the bad.  We can praise Him for one and receive forgiveness and healing for the other. 

Where are you at today?  Do you have any committed bitterness or unforgiveness in your life?