A Walk In The Dark

By Tiffany Bleger

Have you ever taken a walk in the dark? 

I'm not talking about a stroll downtown under the street lamps. I'm talking pitch black, middle of nowhere, only the stars and moon as your light dark? It's intimidating. You don't know what's out there. It's really hard to see your path. It's easy to stumble and fall. 

The Bible tells us that each of us made this walk before Christ entered our hearts. We were stumbling in the dark, desperately searching for any path that worked. We tripped and fell. It was hard, it was scary. It hurt. 

And then He came. The Word Made Flesh invaded your personal darkness. 

And He brought you light. His light shined in your darkness. It lit your path. 

Do you remember that feeling, the first time you felt like the darkness would not consume you?

If you are anything like me, that light gave you a thrill like no other. You felt like you could fly. You felt like there was nothing that could hurt you again. And so you began to run. In the dark. You had the light now, nothing could stop you. 

But there was a learning curve. That light didn't shine on every corner of your darkness, did it? It didn't illuminate every crack and crevice. It didn't make the world around you as bright as day. You could see the path in front of you, but there was darkness beyond that circle of light. It was like a flashlight, and you began to learn an important lesson. 

Do you notice what Father revealed to the psalmist? A lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. I picture coming down a hiking trail at night. You have a flashlight to illuminate your next few steps. You have the lights of town that reveal your destination. But, in between, there is darkness. 

In this journey called life, we have a guide. His name is Jesus. He will, if we ask, illuminate the next steps we should take. We can see the pitfalls and avoid them. He also shines the light of our destination with Him, that dream or vision He planted in our hearts. But the in-between is darkness. 

He doesn't light the whole path. 

This fact, to me, is frustrating. I struggle to stay within that small circle He has illuminated for me. Boundaries annoy me. Not knowing annoys me. And so I wander outside the circle, into the darkness. And I trip. And I stumble. But when I call out, Jesus is right there to pick me up and dust me off. And we start again on my path. 

If I am diligent to stay on the path He is lighting, my walk is easier. It's not easy, but it is easier. There are still things to avoid and obstacles to overcome, but it's not nearly as hard as when I stumbled by myself in the pitch black.  

It is possible, this walk in the dark. He promises to walk with me, to light my steps. And I can choose to trust Him and stay in His light. And I can look forward to His promises, to my destination He has chosen for me. 

Can I trust that the darkness in-between, the parts of His plan I can't yet see, are not as scary as my imagination tells me? Can you?

When All Is Quiet

By Tiffany Bleger

When all is quiet

Where do you go?

When His voice isn't clear

Where do you run?

Do you charge ahead

Determined in your path?

Do you stand stock still

And wait for the whisper?

Do you turn and run

Back to the familiar?

Do you wander in circles

Moving but going no where?

When all is quiet

Where do you go?

When His voice isn't clear

Where do you run?

Do you lean on your friends 

For an encouraging word?

Maybe listen a little harder

To Sunday's sermon?

Do you beg and plead

And beat your head?

Do you make promises 

You know you won't keep?

When all is quiet

Where do you go?

When His voice isn't clear

Where do you run?

Do you pick up your bible 

And blow off the dust?

Do you listen to music

You think He would love?

Or do you trust and wait

And remember His promises?

Do you know Him well enough

To be still in the quiet?

When all is quiet

Where do you go?

When His voice isn't clear

Where do you run?

The Dreaded TeeShirt Drawer

By Tiffany Bleger

So, my dear husband likes tee shirts. A lot. Plain tee shirts, colored tee shirts, tee shirts with business logos, tee shirts with funny pictures, tee shirts with sports teams. I counted them one time. And just shook my head in amazement. 

The tee shirts go in two drawers in the dear husband's dresser. When we first got married, we quickly realized that we had two very distinct tee shirt folding styles. And those two folding styles were, more often than not, completely incompatible with each other. So, I would wash the clothes and fold them. When I would put them away, I would put them in the drawer "my way". Any shirts that were in the drawer folded "his way" would get refolded to "my way" and stacked with the others. 

This method had the potential to work perfectly... if only the husband didn't wear the tee shirts. 

You see, the husband actually likes to wear the tee shirts. So he would rifle through the drawer, looking for "that one", messing up my perfectly aligned stacks. If he refolded any of them, they were folded "his way". Have you realized yet that "his way" equaled wrong in my mind? Other times, the shirts were just shoved back in haphazardly, which was only slightly worse than folding them "his way". So every time I did the laundry, I ended up refolding and reorganizing his tee shirt drawers again. 

This process became so annoying and tedious that I began to dread the laundry. I began to harbor resentment against my husband. I began to believe lies like -

"You know, if he appreciated you, he wouldn't do this."

"He doesn't see how hard you work around here. You're invisible."

"He doesn't respect you. You don't matter." 

It got so bad, I stopped dealing with the drawers all together. I would fold his tee shirts and leave them stacked on top of the dresser. If he put them in the drawer, fine. If he didn't, fine. I wasn't going to deal with it. And I wasn't going to acknowledge the obvious lack of communication that was occurring either. 

Fast forward a few years. I'm browsing Pinterest, wasting time, when I stumbled across an article about folding tee shirts. I clicked on the link, not expecting anything. But what I found started a new process of communication in our marriage. The method taught by the website was different than my method, and different than his. It even had you stack the tee shirts in the drawer differently. The more I looked at it, the more I thought it just might work, if I could convince him to go along with the plan. 

But first I had to talk to the dear husband about it. 

Neither of us like confrontation. We were both raised in families that did not deal with confrontation well, and so we both took the "don't rock the boat" mentality. It was easier to harbor bitterness and resentment than actually face and deal with the hurts we caused each other. 

Guess what I found out when I finally talked to my husband? When I told him how frustrating it was to be continually folding and refolding laundry? How unappreciated and invisible it made me feel? 

I found out my husband wasn't a mind reader. And neither was I. 

He had no clue why the tee shirts had started being left on the top of the drawer. He had no idea  how frustrated and alone I felt. 

We talked about that dreaded tee shirt drawer. We talked about this crazy idea I had to do something completely different. We talked about talking to each other. About really being honest. About sharing our needs, our desires, and our hurts without making assumptions about the other person. 

And we folded the tee shirts. 

Today, when I open the drawer, there's usually a few haphazard shirts. But they don't bother me like they used to. I refold them and stack them, knowing that it excites my husband to be able to see all the tee shirts at once. And I'm at peace knowing that I can take my wounds and fears to my husband in safety. 

You see, it was never about the tee shirts at all. It was all about the communication. 

You Are the One Jesus Loves

By Tiffany Bleger

I used to really dislike the Apostle John. 

There. I said it. 

I feel like lightning may come down at any moment. 

But I truly didn't. I struggled with his personality and character in the bible. I couldn't even stand to read the book of John more than the once a year prescribed by my reading plan. And, according to some Christians I know, that admission alone is cause to question my salvation. But I honestly didn't. 

However, like most lessons I've learned along this Christ-following journey, the reasons had far more to do with me than they did with poor John. 

When I became a Christian and began studying the Scriptures, I viewed the world through the lens of self-hatred. I saw absolutely nothing worthy of love in myself. And so, this "beloved disciple" and the "one Jesus loved" seemed arrogant and pretentious when viewed through my tainted lenses. What made him so special? Why did he get to be the one Jesus loved? Did that mean Jesus loved the other disciples less?

John's claims of love confirmed my performance-driven, self-loathing, flawed view of God. In my mind, there was a sliding scale of His love. People like John and King David (check out his deathbed confession in 2 Samuel 23:1) were at the top. Those were the people God truly loved. Those were the people God enjoyed. 

In the middle were most everybody else - the people who seemed to have it all together at church. The people who smiled and prayed and hugged and didn't seem to be faking it. 

Further down were the people who struggled with addictions and sins, but were truly repentant and trying to make an honest go of it. 

Even further were those who didn't love God, who hadn't accepted Him or who had flat-out rejected Him. 

Finally, at the very bottom, was me. I was loved only because the verse says, "For God so loved the world..." If He didn't love me, He would have been a liar. But, beyond that, I could see no reason why He would choose to love me.

But, ever so slowly, God began to change my lenses. He began to show me how He loves me, not because He had to, but because He wants to. He began to remove the self-loathing, the performance-driven fear. For the first time, I began to understand that love. And I began to see John through a new light. 

"The disciple Jesus loved" wasn't arrogant or pretentious, he was filled with a holy confidence. He had looked into the eyes of Jesus and received the love that was never forced. He intimately knew the sacrifice and love that had been poured out for him on Calvary. 

He knew what his identity, his "title" had cost him. 

John chose to describe himself as beloved because that title was precious. It was costly. It was worth honor. 

Do you see where I'm going with this, dear sister? Do you see that this is you? Perhaps you are like I was, drowning in the sea of self-hatred. Are you jealous of those who seem safe on the boat? Do you see the lifeline, the love, being offered to you? And are you willing to let go of those stones, those lies, so that you can hold on to love with everything you have?

You are the one Jesus loves. You are the beloved disciple. You can walk in the same holy confidence as John and David, secure in the knowledge that you are intimately loved and treasured by the Creator of the Universe. But that is not a title anyone else can give you. That is the title you choose for yourself.  

Can you believe this for yourself? What has kept you from knowing how much you are loved?

Getting Burned

By Tiffany Bleger

Recently I spent the better part of the day burning a slash pile on our property. For those who are unfamiliar with country life, a slash pile is a big pile of dead branches, sticks, leaves, grass clippings, etc.  It looks something like this:

For my naturally introverted self, it was a great day. Almost 7 hours of virtually uninterrupted alone time. It gave me lots of time to sit and think. To ask Father questions and be able to wait for the answer. 

It is fascinating for me to sit in front of a fire. I love watching what starts as a tiny flame...

... quickly turning into a raging inferno. 

I can stare at a fire for hours. The beauty and simplicity of the flames. The ease with which fire consumes everything in its path. The tenacity and determination to push through obstacles. Eventually, everything a fire touches will be reduced to ash. 

Many times throughout that day, the fire was simply too hot for me to approach. The sheer heat of the inferno would cause my skin to redden and burn if I got too close. It gave me a new appreciation for the story of Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego, and the blazing furnace from Daniel 3, that's for sure!

So what, you may ask, did Father have to say to me that day? Well, as it turns out, He taught me about gold. Did you know that the average temperature of a wood bonfire, like mine, is about 1,100 degrees Celsius? And that the melting point of gold is 1,064 degrees Celsius? This means that the fire I could not approach without getting burned would have melted gold had I thrown any in. 

Do you know why gold is melted?  When gold ore comes out of the mine, the gold is embedded in other rocks and minerals. It looks much like this:

(This picture is actually iron pyrite, also knows fool's gold. But it looks incredibly similar, almost indiscernible, to gold when it comes out of the earth in its ore form.) 

The only way to get the gold by itself is to melt it down. Melting the gold down into its liquid form allows all impurities and other minerals to separate from the gold. Once the gold has gone through the intense heat of the flame, it is left in its purest form. 

Do you see where I'm going with this yet?

You are that gold, dear sister. You are a treasure, a precious metal in the eyes of your Father. But you have come out of this world (the mine) with covered in junk. Covered in the impurities and scars that a broken and fallen world will leave. And you can choose to remain that way, if you want, but your Father wants so much more for you. He wants you to shine like gold was always created to shine. 

I did not leave that slash pile the entire day. I watched it, carefully. By my side were the tools I needed to keep the fire in check. I wanted it to burn, and burn hot, but I never let the flames get too high, nor did I let the fire escape the boundary I designed. There is a purpose to fire and it is healthy when kept in its place. 

Father will do that for you. You may be in the fire right now, you may have just come out of the fire, or you may not be anywhere close to the flame. But, I can guarantee that we will all be in it at some point. Are you willing to let Him turn up the heat?  Are you willing to trust that He is constantly watching the fire, tending the border and keeping the flames in their rightful place?  Are you willing to let Him burn away the impurities? 

Know, dear sister, that He will not leave you in that liquid state. He will not burn off the impurities and then forget about you. Once the gold has been melted and the impurities removed, the goldsmith pours the liquid gold into a mold of his own design. You see, gold cannot be molded unless it has been melted. If you allow Father to melt you, He will mold you, and you will come out of it looking more and more like Him. 

Redefining Healing

By Tiffany Bleger

A little over a year ago, I had the opportunity to spend six days away with God in the wilderness. It was a beautiful time of healing for my soul and my heart. I had taken the last of my depression medication while I was away, and knew I needed to refill the prescription when I got home. But I also knew that we didn't have the money to afford it right then. I had not gone more than a few days without the medicine in years. Those times that I had were not pretty. But, I clearly heard His voice whisper, "Trust Me in this."  And so I did. 

One day became two. Two became a week. Before I knew it, I had gone a month without the medicine. It was hard. Withdrawals are neither easy nor pretty, let me tell you! But I had done it, leaning on that promise of "Trust Me". The time came when we had the money to afford the prescription again. But when I asked Father, His reply of "Trust Me" told me all I needed to know. It was clear that I was not to go back on the medication.

I mistakenly took God's promise of "Trust Me" to mean that He was going to completely remove the depression immediately. So, when that first bad bout of darkness overwhelmed me again, I thought I had failed. I thought that somehow I had messed up and God changed His mind. That I wasn't worthy of receiving healing.  I had lived with depression for so long that down days were my normal. Taking the medicine had helped keep the darkness at bay, but it also numbed me. I didn't feel the bad as deeply, but I didn't feel joy either. However, as Father began this journey of healing and restoration, I began to experience true good days. They were refreshing. They were sunshine and warmth to my soul. And they went against everything the lies of perfectionism and depression were screaming. Clearly, God hadn't abandoned me. He was healing me, just not like I expected. 

I've now gone almost 14 months without the medication. There is absolutely no way I could have done this under my own power. I could barely function on my own with the medicine! Each time the darkness returns, and it has, I learn a little more. I learn to reach out to Him sooner. I learn to reach out to my family and friends sooner.  I learn to identify the darkness sooner. 

My healing has not come how I expected. I never know if the next bout will be the last, or if this battle will continue for a lifetime. Some days it is really hard to have hope, to trust His word over the lies. But I do know now that the bad days will end. That the more I cling to the hem of His garment, the easier it is to climb out of the pit and find the light. 

Recently, Father revealed a lie I had believed. I thought that, in order to be able to talk about depression and encourage other women, I had to be healed. Completely. That I didn't have a testimony to share if I still battled the depression. And then, just this week, Father led me to this verse:

Hmm.  Paul had an amazing testimony. And never really shut up about God. Yet, he had a weakness. A weakness he begged God to remove. That verse was God's reply. God used Paul's weakness, his "thorn in the flesh" to witness to the world. Maybe God can use me. And maybe he can use you. Maybe, just maybe, He wants to take that part of you that breaks your heart and use your journey to help someone else. Maybe, just maybe, He wants to take the parts of your past that causes you shame to show the world His power. May our weaknesses be used for His glory. 

Drawing Back the Bow

By Tiffany Bleger

My oldest daughter has spent the last year or so slowly learning the sport of archery. Never having shot a bow either, I found myself in the position to learn a completely new skill in order to teach it to my daughter. It has taken a considerable amount of grace and patience on both our parts, but she is learning to enjoy this new sport she has discovered. 

A few months ago, I was reading in Psalms and stumbled across these verses:

I could see in my mind's eye my daughter, grown, releasing arrows into the sky with skill and confidence. Releasing her destiny. When children are ready, they will be released from our homes like arrows from a bow, full of power and strength. They have the capability of flying straight and true to their appointed destiny. 

As I was mulling over this image, Father asked me what it takes to release an arrow properly. He and I discovered together four aspects of an excellent archer: patience, concentration, strength, and tension. All four are required for an arrow to fly to its greatest potential. 

Patience:

It takes time to place an arrow in the string, to line up the target. It takes composure and self-control to wait for the wind to blow in a favorable direction, for your heartbeat and breathing to settle down. An arrow shot out of wildness or agitation will not fly as consistently as one released from calmness. 

Concentration:

A key component of archery is laser-focus on the target. You have to be able to see exactly where you want that arrow to hit, and nothing else. Your arrow follows your eye - if your attention is pulled to anything but your target, that is where your arrow will fly. 

Strength:

It takes tremendous muscle strength to draw the bow back and hold it steady while aiming. Even a child's training bow can weigh 20 pounds. You do not build that strength overnight. It takes consistent repetition to train your muscles to pull the bow back to its optimum tension. And that optimum tension is what gives the arrow its speed. 

Tension:

Oh the tension! The facet of archery most would like to forget is the most essential. You can have the other three aspects, but without the tension, the arrow will not fly. The speed at which the arrow will fly is directly proportional to the amount of tension with which the archer draws back the arrow. Little tension equals little flight. Full tension equals full flight. 

We were in the midst of a difficult situation with one of our daughters when Father taught me this lesson about archery. I found such hope in the realization that all four, including tension, were necessary for my little arrows to fly straight someday. It gave me such courage to continue to persevere with the girls, that the hard work and training would see a reward. 

And then Father stopped me dead in my tracks. 

"My daughter. What of the situation I've placed you in now?" 

The "situation" is a struggle we have been battling in my husband's business for the last five months. Some aspects of this struggle have come about as consequences of our choices. But other aspects have been completely out of our control. And it has been incredibly difficult to get up every morning and continue fighting. To continue hoping and believing the promises in spite of the struggle. 

"My daughter," He said to me, "I have allowed you to remain in this situation. You have dreams and passions that I have given you both. But those dreams will not be realized to their full potential unless you allow Me to draw back the bow. Will you show the patience, concentration, and strength needed to release your arrows? Will you allow Me to extend the tension to its tightest, and release only when I know you're ready? If you are done, if you truly no longer want this, I will allow release. But know that when you make the choice to release, your arrow will not fly as I have calculated. The arrows I've designed for you will fly their best when you allow Me to hold the bow, when you allow My strength to draw back the string, when you allow My patience and concentration to focus on the target, and when you allow the tension I have designed to hold the arrow back until I decide to release the arrow."

And here we find the crux. We each have dreams, arrows we want to see fly. Are we willing to let Him hold the bow? Are we willing to submit to His strength, or are we trying to pull back the draw on our own? Is our concentration solely on Him, or are we allowing distractions to pull us away from our target?  Can we be patient and wait for His timing? And are we willing to feel the tension? 

An Artist's Calling

By Tiffany Bleger

Exodus 35:30 introduces a man who would become vital to the nation of Israel. The NLT translation reads:

"Then Moses told the people of Israel, “The LORD has specifically chosen Bezalel son of Uri, grandson of Hur, of the tribe of Judah. The LORD has filled Bezalel with the Spirit of God, giving him great wisdom, ability, and expertise in all kinds of crafts. He is a master craftsman, expert in working with gold, silver, and bronze. He is skilled in engraving and mounting gemstones and in carving wood. He is a master at every craft." (Exodus 35:30-33 NLT)

God specifically called Bezalel, a craftsman from the tribe of Judah, to oversee the construction of the Tabernacle. To build the dwelling place of Yahweh. The Bible does not say that he was a great manager or overseer, however. It says that he was "a master at every craft."

My spirit finds a significance to that. God did not choose someone whose natural giftings were in leadership and delegation. He chose someone gifted in an art form that would bring beauty to His dwelling place. I'm certain that as Bezalel led the other craftsman in this immense project, God supplied the necessary leadership ability. But the man who started this project was not noted as a leader. And, through the next four chapters, we see the plans given to Moses on the mountaintop come to life through the hands of a craftsman. 

I can't help but wonder what life was like for Bezalel before he was given this task. Was he old? Young? Appreciated for his craft and respected by all? Or ignored, looked down upon, rejected? Was he ridiculed for his gift, this God-given talent that didn't fit the norm for a man in this era? Somehow, I imagine a man, middle aged, but strong and muscular.  He'd have to be strong in order to carve wood and lift kettles of molten gold all day. His hands were delicate, however, probably smaller than most and incredibly sensitive. It required amazing dexterity and coordination to work in gems and cloth with the skill Bezalel obviously had.  

But what was this man like? Did he stand tall, secure in his identity and gifts? Did he know from a young age that he was destined for greatness, that his talents would be used in an incredible way someday? Or did he struggle with doubts and insecurity, wondering why God had given him talents that didn't seem to fit in?  Did he ever consider giving up, switching careers?  Did he struggle to find his place within the tribe?

I wonder if we feel the same way today. We have each been given a measure of talent, special gifts we are to use.  Father gives each of us these gifts to benefit the body of Christ and to point others to the glory of God.  Some of those gifts fit easily into the mold of "church service" that our Christian society has created. But some of us, probably most of us, have talents that seem unusable to God. Talents are different enough from what we see on a Sunday morning that we wonder if there's any use for us at all.

Do you hide your gifts? Have you allowed a dream from your youth to die because you didn't see a place for your talent within the tribe? 

My prayer for you today is that you would allow this passage of Scripture to breathe life into your spirit. Reread Exodus 35-39. Notice everything this seemingly obscure craftsman made for his God. Notice the skill, the giftings this man had to have in order to accomplish this enormous task. And let the Living Spirit speak to you about the talents and gifts He has given you. Let Him reawaken those gifts you've allowed to wither. Perhaps the tribe is simply not ready yet for the tabernacle you will build. But they will be. And it's your job to hone those skills until the day you are called by Father to use them.