By Tiffany Bleger
A little over a year ago, I had the opportunity to spend six days away with God in the wilderness. It was a beautiful time of healing for my soul and my heart. I had taken the last of my depression medication while I was away, and knew I needed to refill the prescription when I got home. But I also knew that we didn't have the money to afford it right then. I had not gone more than a few days without the medicine in years. Those times that I had were not pretty. But, I clearly heard His voice whisper, "Trust Me in this." And so I did.
One day became two. Two became a week. Before I knew it, I had gone a month without the medicine. It was hard. Withdrawals are neither easy nor pretty, let me tell you! But I had done it, leaning on that promise of "Trust Me". The time came when we had the money to afford the prescription again. But when I asked Father, His reply of "Trust Me" told me all I needed to know. It was clear that I was not to go back on the medication.
I mistakenly took God's promise of "Trust Me" to mean that He was going to completely remove the depression immediately. So, when that first bad bout of darkness overwhelmed me again, I thought I had failed. I thought that somehow I had messed up and God changed His mind. That I wasn't worthy of receiving healing. I had lived with depression for so long that down days were my normal. Taking the medicine had helped keep the darkness at bay, but it also numbed me. I didn't feel the bad as deeply, but I didn't feel joy either. However, as Father began this journey of healing and restoration, I began to experience true good days. They were refreshing. They were sunshine and warmth to my soul. And they went against everything the lies of perfectionism and depression were screaming. Clearly, God hadn't abandoned me. He was healing me, just not like I expected.
I've now gone almost 14 months without the medication. There is absolutely no way I could have done this under my own power. I could barely function on my own with the medicine! Each time the darkness returns, and it has, I learn a little more. I learn to reach out to Him sooner. I learn to reach out to my family and friends sooner. I learn to identify the darkness sooner.
My healing has not come how I expected. I never know if the next bout will be the last, or if this battle will continue for a lifetime. Some days it is really hard to have hope, to trust His word over the lies. But I do know now that the bad days will end. That the more I cling to the hem of His garment, the easier it is to climb out of the pit and find the light.
Recently, Father revealed a lie I had believed. I thought that, in order to be able to talk about depression and encourage other women, I had to be healed. Completely. That I didn't have a testimony to share if I still battled the depression. And then, just this week, Father led me to this verse:
Hmm. Paul had an amazing testimony. And never really shut up about God. Yet, he had a weakness. A weakness he begged God to remove. That verse was God's reply. God used Paul's weakness, his "thorn in the flesh" to witness to the world. Maybe God can use me. And maybe he can use you. Maybe, just maybe, He wants to take that part of you that breaks your heart and use your journey to help someone else. Maybe, just maybe, He wants to take the parts of your past that causes you shame to show the world His power. May our weaknesses be used for His glory.
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