Thought Trails

By Nancy Turley

“Attentiveness is the heart’s stillness, unbroken by any thought.” Hescychios of Sinai
 
“The 'light of the mind' is a metaphor for the ground of awareness showing something of itself to our perception." ( Into The Silent Land by Martin Laird, p. 68)
 
“My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him.” Psalms 62:5 (NASB)

Along with our friends, Joanna and Bill, my husband Steve and I watched in fascination as the fireworks cascaded up, out and down like an evening candelabra in the sky over Vallecito Lake. We fortuitously parked almost right in back of the launching pad of the fireworks. We agreed afterwards that none of us had been that close to a fireworks display before.

I also experienced a different sensation than ever before, consciously attaching an anthropomorphic personality to individual displays as if they were unique beings. The crowd also reacted similarly, laughing after an elongated firework spun out with an audible sound of a child-like scream. One extended fireworks display cannoning maybe thirty or more red rockets, one after another, left smoke trails which formed a tree with branches and roots.  

My focus was drawn to those trails more than the actual fireworks itself. 

The present inner theme at work within me the past few months is one of awareness as I observe how the commentary of 
my thoughts leaves its own trail of "smoke" in my mind. I've performed my own tail spins several times while screaming like a child (though perhaps not as loudly)! And I have realized that my child within is reacting, not so much due to the reality of the present circumstance, but because she is spinning her own tail (and tale!) on a made up "commentary" about that circumstance...the "what ifs" or the misconstrued analysis of a situation that is not true at all. They are thoughts of the thoughts that have not even happened yet, or smoke trails from the past that have followed me into the present.
   
The song “Windmills of Your Mind” had lyrics distinctly describe that idea of cycling thoughts that tease us at times to a point of hopelessness and confusion. The final three lines are below:
“…Never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel
 As the images unwind, like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind!”

Most of us have at times found our thoughts spinning like windmills in our minds (we know “the wheels are churning”).

Using a scriptural lens as an antidote to this churning, we might think that “bringing every thought captive” would curb our angst, and yet, if we are not aware that our thoughts are really commentaries, and not truth or fact, I wonder if we have to go a little deeper.

I'm slowly reading through the book Into the Silent Land by Martin Laird, whose purpose is to give more in depth understanding of contemplative or centering prayer. Part of the beneficial "side effects" of this type of prayer help us navigate our way into this land of silence and gain awareness of our thoughts. We can choose when the distracting thoughts appear, not so much to dismiss or let go of them, but to be with them, without analyzing them, to meet the disrupting assaults with a "gaze of silence."

It's a fine line...to let go or to just be with our thoughts and still not perseverate on them. Perhaps to be with them is similar to the concept of "letting go of the letting go." It’s a skill to counter our thoughts with the kind of prayer that silence can give, and I’ve learned that it is not easy. But this kind of awareness in silence in prayer overlooks its distracting reaction to the screaming child within, and gives her a hug instead. It does not judge her; it gives her grace.

Do you struggle with your thoughts? How can we walk the fine line between being with our thoughts and obsessing about them?

Messy Stalls Equal Life

By Jill Palmer

Just when you think God couldn't speak to you in a more hilarious way ... 

BAM. He speaks through poo. 

Poop, waste, manure. Yep. He spoke a word to me through this very delicate subject.

I was going through another rough day/week/month/experience. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what I was going through when He spoke this but I know it was during a prayer time with the staff of our church and I was asking God about the messes. The messes in my own life, in my family, in my church. Messes in general just seemed to be popping up everywhere and He spoke so clearly to me and gave me hope and peace in the midst.

My conversation with Him went something like this:

God, why are there so many struggles and messes? What are we supposed to do about them? How can we avoid them? It stinks! 

Imagine a farm filled with animals. Do you see the mess?

Ew. Yes. Lots of animals. Lots of mess.

How do you suppose you can avoid the mess?

Well...you can't unless you stop feeding them. If you stop feeding them they'll stop pooping. Then there will be no mess to clean up.

And what happens if you stop feeding the animals?

They die.

Yes. They'll die. Messes are a part of life and messes are an indicator of life. Every living thing that I have created makes a mess. Everything has waste. If you stop feeding yourself, your family or your church, the truth is there will be no more messes but they will also die. To avoid mess means to avoid life and that's not why I have put you here. You can embrace the mess and see it as a sign that someone is being fed and is growing or you can fear it and avoid it. Life is happening and I am excited about that. Your job is help clean up the mess and continue to feed those around you with the Truth I have placed in your heart. 

Not too long after God and I had our little "chat," I was told about a Proverb that talked about this very thing. And not too long after that, I ran across it while I was doing my devotions. God really can speak through anything! And I love that He spoke to me and then confirmed it in His Word. My Spirit soared and laughed as I read these words:

Life in general is messy. Life in a community, a herd, a church - whatever you want to call it - is messy. Mess comes as people grow and learn new ways of relating to others. Mess comes as old wounds get reopened and we respond. Mess comes when we learn to be vulnerable and navigate safe new places and people. Messes just happen.

Poop happens.

And it's okay. As the Proverb says, without oxen the stable is clean, but the ox is needed for a large harvest. The people and the poo/mess they/we bring (mine very much included!) is necessary for life and growth and a large harvest.

I'm choosing to embrace the mess, yes even embrace the poo and the messy stalls. As God has so gently shared with me, it equals life, and life in Christ is what I desire for myself and others.

How do you respond to the mess in your life? Can you see it as a sign of life instead? How has God spoken to you in an unusual way?

You Are the One Jesus Loves

By Tiffany Bleger

I used to really dislike the Apostle John. 

There. I said it. 

I feel like lightning may come down at any moment. 

But I truly didn't. I struggled with his personality and character in the bible. I couldn't even stand to read the book of John more than the once a year prescribed by my reading plan. And, according to some Christians I know, that admission alone is cause to question my salvation. But I honestly didn't. 

However, like most lessons I've learned along this Christ-following journey, the reasons had far more to do with me than they did with poor John. 

When I became a Christian and began studying the Scriptures, I viewed the world through the lens of self-hatred. I saw absolutely nothing worthy of love in myself. And so, this "beloved disciple" and the "one Jesus loved" seemed arrogant and pretentious when viewed through my tainted lenses. What made him so special? Why did he get to be the one Jesus loved? Did that mean Jesus loved the other disciples less?

John's claims of love confirmed my performance-driven, self-loathing, flawed view of God. In my mind, there was a sliding scale of His love. People like John and King David (check out his deathbed confession in 2 Samuel 23:1) were at the top. Those were the people God truly loved. Those were the people God enjoyed. 

In the middle were most everybody else - the people who seemed to have it all together at church. The people who smiled and prayed and hugged and didn't seem to be faking it. 

Further down were the people who struggled with addictions and sins, but were truly repentant and trying to make an honest go of it. 

Even further were those who didn't love God, who hadn't accepted Him or who had flat-out rejected Him. 

Finally, at the very bottom, was me. I was loved only because the verse says, "For God so loved the world..." If He didn't love me, He would have been a liar. But, beyond that, I could see no reason why He would choose to love me.

But, ever so slowly, God began to change my lenses. He began to show me how He loves me, not because He had to, but because He wants to. He began to remove the self-loathing, the performance-driven fear. For the first time, I began to understand that love. And I began to see John through a new light. 

"The disciple Jesus loved" wasn't arrogant or pretentious, he was filled with a holy confidence. He had looked into the eyes of Jesus and received the love that was never forced. He intimately knew the sacrifice and love that had been poured out for him on Calvary. 

He knew what his identity, his "title" had cost him. 

John chose to describe himself as beloved because that title was precious. It was costly. It was worth honor. 

Do you see where I'm going with this, dear sister? Do you see that this is you? Perhaps you are like I was, drowning in the sea of self-hatred. Are you jealous of those who seem safe on the boat? Do you see the lifeline, the love, being offered to you? And are you willing to let go of those stones, those lies, so that you can hold on to love with everything you have?

You are the one Jesus loves. You are the beloved disciple. You can walk in the same holy confidence as John and David, secure in the knowledge that you are intimately loved and treasured by the Creator of the Universe. But that is not a title anyone else can give you. That is the title you choose for yourself.  

Can you believe this for yourself? What has kept you from knowing how much you are loved?

Learning to Forgive - Part 1

By Megan Danquah

Ever wonder about WHAT it means to forgive and HOW to actually forgive? In a two-part post “series” I would like to take some time here to “de-mystify” the process. 

In my experience, forgiveness always felt elusive. I knew that it was the right thing to do, but I never understood how. In one sense, I understood it was a matter of my will—a matter of forcing my emotions and pain to bow to my will to say that it is ok, what happened didn’t matter, that if I just put on the love of Christ, all will be well and I will be able to forget about what grievance I experienced at the hand of another person. In another sense, I understood it to be some sort of miraculous exchange of my hurt for the love of Christ for whomever it was who had wounded me. Both understandings left me spending copious amounts of time “praying” - which was really just time spent trying to achieve mind over matter, repeating a mantra in my mind similar to “These feelings of pain can’t rule me anymore, these feelings of pain can’t rule me anymore”.  

The other thing I believed about forgiveness was that the faster it was achieved, the better. I believed that the more quickly I was able to achieve this “mind-over-matter” state, the happier the Lord would be with me. I believed that God wanted me to get rid of my unforgiveness as quickly as possible. Because of this I feel like I spent much of my life attempting to stuff all these wounds - from childhood into adulthood - because, for me, mind-over-matter was unfortunately unachievable. No matter how hard I white-knuckled it, nothing was changing. The pain was still there. All I was accomplishing was becoming a master at living in a perpetual state of denial.

Then something happened to me. I will not go into detail, but it is enough to know that I was deeply betrayed by someone extremely close to me. Betrayed in a way that my whole world and all I knew, along with all the devices I had used to cope with the pain in my life, were destroyed, and not by my own choosing. Here are a few things that I lost as a result: friends, my home, my job. Not to mention some of the emotional things I had lost: trust, a sense of belonging, a sense of justice, a sense of pure love, and all sense of the false security that I had carefully used to protect my heart my whole life. 

So here I was. Faced with forgiveness on a whole different level. A level one-hundred times deeper than any I had faced before. Praise God that He knows us intimately, and He knows exactly what, and WHO we need in our life to help us through when crisis occurs. He did that for me, and here’re a few things I have come to understand about forgiveness:

1. Forgiveness is a process, not a one-off spiritual transaction. We don't need to make it a race to the finish line. I believe it is important to start the process, but not to rush through it. There are so many things to learn about myself and God and others through the process of forgiveness. I do not want to lose that opportunity because of my wrong thinking that God wants this over with as soon as possible, or because I want this over with as soon as possible. It’s hard to sit in our pain, isn’t it? But it is through that very act that healing comes. 

2. Forgiveness is a lot more practical than I ever thought. There are actual steps that I can take, with actual exercises and practices that I can adopt, that will walk me through to a place where I am ready to move forward in my life. (More about that in Part 2). 

3. Forgiveness really has nothing to do with saying the words “I forgive you.” I used that for years in order to feel like I had really done it. Somehow those three words were supposed to equal spiritual and emotional proof that the elusive and miraculous “transaction” of forgiveness had taken place. Forgiveness is a very individual, inner and private process. Only you can know what it is like to live with the pain you have and know the hard work you have achieved to reach a place where you have forgiven.

 

4. Forgiveness requires work. Hard work. BUT it is some of the most valuable work I have ever done for myself. The old saying is true: Forgiveness is about letting someone out of prison, only to discover that the someone was you. The brilliant thing is that it really is for me! It is one of the best things I have undertaken to show love and compassion to myself.  I saw a strength in me that I never knew that I had!!!  

Next month, I will share further some specific steps that you can take to walk through the forgiveness process.

What have you believed to be true about forgiveness and did it hinder the forgiveness process for you?

My perception of Peace

By Jen Kline

Don’t continue doing things the way we’re doing them at present, each of us doing as we wish. Until now you haven’t arrived at the goal, the resting place, the inheritance that God, your God, is giving you. But the minute you cross the Jordan River and settle into the land God, your God, is enabling you to inherit, he’ll give you rest from all your surrounding enemies. You’ll be able to settle down and live in safety. Deuteronomy 10:12 MSG

Growing up, peace was not something I operated out of in my daily life. Because of my need to prove my worth and competency, I looked for ways to keep myself busy. As I've mentioned before, it was a coping mechanism that worked for me at the time. I was too busy proving myself worthy to bother with the understanding of peace.

When I became a Christian I decided I would center my life around my faith and my relationship with Jesus. I wanted to know more about Him, learn who He was, what He left behind and why what He did was so important to my life today.

I was attracted to the concept of peace. Really? You mean you can live on this earth day to day and really have peace? A relationship with God was peaceful? They called him the PRINCE OF PEACE?!?

My curiosity drove me into lots of prayer around this subject. I loved stories from the Bible where Jesus brought the storms to a stand still. I loved how the woman at the well, while being scorned and mocked by the community, was met with peace by Jesus Christ. I was touched by those stories but had a hard time believing this kind of peace was something I could have for myself.

I remember a time when I was in my living room praying. My circumstances were difficult, I was in the midst of broken relationships and discord, finances were tough and I needed peace in my life. The Lord met me just like He met the disciples in the boat and just like He met the woman at the well. As I prayed, I could feel a wash of joy/peace over me. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I wasn’t anxious, I was content and I knew the Holy Spirit had met me right where I needed Him to be. It was an experience and a promise I could stand on. It built my faith in God.

In my day-to-day life I desire peace as well, but it always seems out of reach. The busyness of life can distract and keep me so wound up that the struggle for peace is real. I see it even now as the summer has arrived and I am coordinating play dates, time with my husband, kids' schedules, my own schedule, activities, vacations, grocery shopping, church events and so on.

Hoping I’d have a day filled with peace, I’ve often felt disappointed, defeated and frustrated at the fact that my day included things I was not actually prepared for at all. My needs were not being met, random stuff would come out of left field, people would say things that caught me off guard, my health and my schedule would all disrupt my pursuit of peace and I would think… you promised me peace Lord… where is it? Why do I not live out of this place of peace?  

 "Behold, I will gather them out of all the lands to which I have driven them in My anger, in My wrath and in great indignation; and I will bring them back to this place and make them dwell in safety. "They shall be my people, and I will be their God;” Jeremiah 32:37-38

I’ve come to realize that I need a paradigm shift. Peace can thrive in safety and security and I'm realizing that's what I need, but am missing, in my daily life. I need tools to help me understand how to create a safe space to feel what I need, to be present in my relationships, my life, circumstances and feelings. Safe places where I can be real. Safe places where it’s OK to say what I’m thinking and feeling (even if what I’m thinking and saying is negative) without condemnation or judgment.

Being present and honest with who I am is what God desires for my day to day.  It is in our intimacy with God where the Holy Spirit can move in our hearts. Safety, to me, is about being able to choose what I need for me. I value being able to name where I am at and be vulnerable in my relationships and vulnerable with God. If the only thing I can control is me, then I need to “go there” with myself and seek God while I trust in his unending promises of love, security and safety.

As you go about your week and you feel frustrated that the peace has not come, give yourself a safe place to actually let yourself feel what you need. Allow yourself to look inward… seeking the answers to the things that come up. When you get in that space and name what actually is happening, peace comes… and thrives within this safe, secure, vulnerable place between you and the Lord. Receive the gift of safety and security.

What, do you find, keeps you from being in this vulnerable and safe place?

Daily Bread

By Esther Belin

A few years ago, I finally surrendered my finances to God, deciding to convert to a cash system. At the time, I had a steady income. Shortly after this decision, I lost my job. Looking back at that time, I know that God took financial security away from me to be solely dependent on Him. Money was a very apparent idol in my life and because He heard the song in my heart He compassionately pursued me to show me my sin. God was very intentional at removing financial security at the exact time I committed to surrender my finances. It was a test. 

I knew it – in my intellect, I totally knew that I was being tested. At the time, I didn’t really think of it as a trial because I knew I could get another job – or so I thought. So it is during this season of refining that God waited patiently for me to see His mystery, His sovereignty and His love (Job 42:5).

Selah.

Like Paul, “If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness” (2 Corin. 11:30).  Before I go on, I do need to say that I love Paul. I love his obedience, I love his heart, I love his passionate, jumbled, and lengthy sentences that are so dense with truth. Dear Readers, I so encourage you to read your Bible. It is only with reading and truly wrestling with God’s word that one can appreciate these fellow Christ followers.

From very young, I knew that money enabled comfort. It was uncomfortable to watch opportunities pass by for lack of money, or to see how money changed attitudes. In fourth grade, I knew I was going to college because education was a method to achieve money. I put most of my effort in getting good grades and when I realized how easy it was to get good grades, my idol of pride began to take root. Little did I know that my seemingly simple desire to surrender my finances to God revealed a hidden collection of idols. I sigh because my intellect knows God desires all of my heart.  

I am so ashamed to realize how I tried to negotiate with God by holding back – thinking that I could hide my idols from him! So back when I lost my job, my idol of pride stood tall. I thought – ok, no big deal, I will get whatever job I can…. I am so employable…. I have so many skills….. I went to college….. I am better than the average laborer.  I cannot tell you how many unsuccessful job interviews I had. I was even hired, then 3 days before I was to start, it fell through. God was chipping away my pride – and my resistance/ignorance was making it more painful. Because that idol was decades old, the realization as to the invasiveness of it crippled my identity: who I think I am – who I think God is – how I relate to people.  I sigh heavily at my sin – and I rejoice readily at His mercy (Ps. 5:7).

Selah.

In my intellect, I knew that I knew that I knew God desires all of my heart. So why was it so hard to give it to Him? I knew He was trustworthy. I knew He was faithful. I knew He wanted to bless me – to provide for me – to watch me succeed! I knew it in my head but not in my heart. During this season of financial drought, I have had to walk by faith daily. Sometimes moment by moment – clinging so desperately to God – being so precise in my obedience – asking for and taking only my daily portion. God was showing me His provision in a very real and deliberate way. A way not based on intellect but on faith.

Unexpectedly, being on such a tight budget has exposed the bountifulness of God. As I inventoried our pantry and our bank accounts, I began to pray over all of it. 

I prayed that we would eat and spend wisely. I prayed for creativity to find recipes that included food in our pantry. I prayed that the gas in our vehicles would stretch. I prayed over big purchases to be made in the coming months. For such a long time, I had believed a lie that we never had enough. Enough food, enough money, enough time. I was living a lie of deficiency.

Now I gladly praise God for His bounty (Ps. 13:6 ESV). He will never allow His children to lack anything – He provides, protects and pursues. He sings over us (Zeph. 3:17 ESV). I love that. I love that God – Creator of the Universe – sings loudly over us.  God sings over me as I struggle to piece together random dry goods in my pantry for a meal. God sings over me as I pray about even the smallest purchases – and it is in those times that I see God’s bounty everywhere.

Prayer has been my sole source to daily bread – physically, spiritually and emotionally.  There are really no words to replace the blessings of true obedience – everything gets mussed up in the overflow of grace and mercy – like a longing fulfilled, like an aching limb relieved, like the warmth of sun-rays. Dear readers, I leave you with a timeless hymn that has taken on new meaning for me.

1. You have longed for sweet peace,
   And for faith to increase,
   And have earnestly, fervently prayed;
   But you cannot have rest,
   Or be perfectly blest,
   Until all on the altar is laid.

• Refrain:
  Is your all on the altar of sacrifice laid?
  Your heart does the Spirit control?
  You can only be blest,
  And have peace and sweet rest,
  As you yield Him your body and soul.

2. Would you walk with the Lord,
   In the light of His word,
   And have peace and contentment away?
   You must do His sweet will,
   To be free from all ill,
   On the altar your all you must lay.

3. Oh, we never can know
   What the Lord will bestow
   Of the blessings for which we have prayed,
   Till our body and soul
   He doth fully control,
   And our all on the altar is laid.

4. Who can tell all the love
   He will send from above,
   And how happy our hearts will be made;
   Of the fellowship sweet
   We shall share at His feet,
   When our all on the altar is laid. 
 

How have you seen God provide for you? Have you experienced His daily bread?

Tiny Mighty Moss

By Tawna Wilkinson

When I come across a patch of moss, whether it’s next to a stream or the north side of a
tree, I stoop down, get as close as I can, and run my hand over its soft, velvety surface. The tiny plant is so friendly and inviting, I can’t help myself. But the little green wonder is more than just a fuzzy plant God made for “petting.” It has a mighty impact on the environment, soil and plant life, and insect and animal life.

Moss is a mini marvel that usually grows in thick, spreading mats and has a colossal ability for holding large amounts of water.  These water-soaking tufts allow for condensation and cooling, aiding the water cycle by returning moisture to the atmosphere. And they sop-up pollutants from rainwater making the water that drains through it safer for the environment.

Like all plants, moss takes in carbon dioxide, which cleans the air while releasing oxygen into the atmosphere. However, most plants are unable to live in certain environments. Moss has been given a mysterious super-ability to adapt to any surrounding and has been found in every climate on earth, including the Arctic, Antarctic and deserts. The fuzzy wonder not only scrubs the atmosphere, but supplies oxygen to humans and animals all over the globe.

Moss also has the triple-mission of forming new soil while protecting and improving it. The super-wonder has rhizoids, tiny thread-like “roots” that anchor onto rocks gradually crumbling them to new dirt, while forcing the release of their minerals into it. The petite rhizoids also have the muscle to hold soil in place protecting it from washing away during times of too much rain. Then after it dies, it completes its mission of improving the soil by decomposing. The decaying moss releases its stored nutrients, leaving a spongy, nourishing layer in the soil for larger plants to feed and grow on.

Moss is a shelter and home to many different insects, like springtails and mites, the Spruce-fir moss spider and the rare webspinner. Ground beetles hide under it, while the pill beetle’s larvae feed on its rhizoids. And the water bear, a microscopic creature, lives and feeds on the velvet carpet. Now that’s what I call being “as snug as a bug in a rug.” And listen to this: moss is also a protective covering for weevils in New Guinea, by growing on their backs camouflaging them from predators.  

And if that’s not enough, different kinds of birds and animals use it. The black-capped and Carolina chickadees use it as part of their nest’s foundation, while the house wren mixes it in with other materials to pad her nest cup. And the structured dome of the Carolina wren’s nest has moss lining it.  Beavers use it in their lodges, weaving it with sticks, grass, and mud creating a snug place to live.  And reindeer eat moss for nourishment during the Arctic’s long, freezing winters.

So, if you happen to come across a tuft of the cool, green velvet, go ahead, get down on your knees, get as close as you can, and give it a little pet. And remember: God created moss tiny, but He made its impact mighty on the world around us.

Focused Tension

By Jill Palmer

Tension. It’s not a word I love but it’s one I’m learning to appreciate. Tension is necessary in so many aspects of life. If the bungee cord is too tight then there won’t be any give when you jump. If it’s too loose…let’s just say that’s not a good option either. If the rope holding the piano to the back of the truck is too tight, it won’t fit and could damage the piano. If it’s too loose, make sure you’re not the one driving behind that truck on a hill.

Can you see why tension is necessary? Everything in the natural is a representation of something in the supernatural and tension is no different.

The Merriam-Webster definition that best fits is “a balance maintained in an artistic work between opposing forces or elements.”

This is Jesus. He was, and is, the perfect balance in an artistic work between opposing forces or elements. He is grace and truth. Mercy and judgment. The beginning and the end. The law and forgiveness. The Sacrifice and the One Who requires it. It really boggles the mind how much tension Christ endured when He walked this earth. And yet it was necessary and it was beautiful.

My life, I have found, is very much filled with this sort of tension. However, I’ve always viewed it as conflict that needs to be resolved rather than a tension that needs to be maintained between opposing forces.

The balance between who I think I should be and who I really am, for example. Truly it can’t be either/or. It has to be both. Unfortunately I’ve been warring with this conflict for so long it’s a struggle to see how it could possibly be both.

Who I think I should be, really who God created me to be in the beginning, is unattainable in this world. If I were to live in this unreachable place I would constantly feel defeated, less than, hopeless and frustrated. Having all patience and kindness and grace in all circumstances is never going to happen. I have limitations as a fallen human in this world. It is not possible to be perfect and to handle every situation as Christ did. It’s just not.

Conversely, it isn’t possible for me to live a healthy, abundant life if I stay living who I really am at this moment. I need to accept who I am but I can’t stay there if I want to enjoy all the promises of God. Who I am right now isn’t who I’m meant to be forever. It’s a stop along the journey. It’s the result of experiences and challenges and the knowledge I’ve gained over my 39 years. It’s part of the process, it isn’t the finished result. Living in this place alone can also leave me feeling defeated, less than and hopeless because I will constantly find myself unable to receive all that God has for me. Intimate relationships, deep and constant joy, freedom and healing are all gifts God has promised to me. In this lifetime I’m always journeying to who I was made to be and if I decide to just stop at the nearest bus stop and give up the journey I’ll never arrive will I?

The beautiful, uncomfortable, healthy tension is lived out everyday in every circumstance. Going back and forth between the wife I want to be and the the wife I actually am right now. The kind of mom I think I should be and the mom I really am at this moment. The follower of Jesus that I strive to be and the disciple that I really am. This difficult reality. This artistic work between opposing forces.

I love the language of that. It describes something that is not simple, not complicated but artful (done with or showing artistic skill). Beautiful, uncomfortable and necessary in order to experience real relationship and real growth.

So instead of running from the tension or trying to resolve it, I’m choosing to embrace it, go with it and live in it because I want to see the fullness of God in my life. I’m forever thankful to Jesus Christ for being my model and my coach in this tension-filled journey.

What kind of tension do you experience? Do you see it as conflict or can you recognize the tension?

Stand

By Kim Beach

  “Stand on your feet.”  

                                                             Daniel 10:10

I am a soldier. I am part of an eternal army. The Commander says, "Go!" I go.  And when He says,"Stand," I also obey. 

Standing gets wearisome. My muscles ache for action. The sword gets heavy. My biceps long to stretch out and lash the air. My thighs struggle against the weight of my body, longing to spring into action and sprint into battle.   

The small of my back seeks to stretch, bend, push against the weight of the world. My arms quiver under the weight of the shield. The helmet of truth is hot and heavy and my tongue pushes against my teeth, longing to shout out in a righteous war cry. My feet are wrapped in readiness to run into battle.

But I stand. Fully dressed. As the Commander as decreed in the Battle Plan of Ephesians 6:13, I take my stand.  

Silent. Fighting against my will. My flesh. Battling the very nature that the Commander has placed in me; He requires self control.  

The enemy roars.

From his battle line he paces, spewing vile defamation. Accusations. Curses against my leader. Baiting me to battle.

I stand.

The enemy draws closer. I can feel his spit on my brow as in desperation he curses me.

I do not move.

The enemy begins to tremble. The tried-and-tested tactics of the Bully do not work. I am not baited.

I wait for the Battle Commander to blow his trumpet! With sweat in my eyes, the iron taste of blood on my tongue, muscles primed to strike, I wait for the enemy to draw near.

For the Commander is nearer still. And His whisper is greater than the shouts of the accuser.  

Nothing frightens the enemy more than an army he cannot predict, manipulate or conjole.

I stand. Ready. The enemy will be defeated in the timing, on the day the Commander decrees if I obey His battle plan.

The enemy I fight most resides in my helmet - my mind. That tells me I am alone. Everyone else has fled. No one stands with me. My vision is obscured from my helmet but I dare not look left or right. I steady my mind with this firm resolve - I will not run from battle nor will I run before I am called.

I am a soldier in the army of the my Lord. I do not stand alone.  

He stands with me.