Still

By Kim Beach

Ever just get tired of being here? In this life? In this time and place, filling this space on earth? 

Sometimes I look around at the pain and heartache of this world and I just want to hide. Runaway. Flee.

Senseless death claims a friend's son and another friend's brother. Cancer. A family struggles to find a home. War. Broken relationships. Disease wrecks bodies. Marriages in crisis.  

Young people grapple for identity. Fallen Heroes. People use their hurts as weapons. Slavery claims more captives than ever in human history. Abortion. Children are pawns in a game of "love". They are disposable. Suicide. Loss.

It just hurts too much.  

Hopelessness begins to surround me like a cloud. It wraps around me like a heavy woolen blanket, hot and inescapable. Struggle seems futile as it pulls me into despair.

"Where are you God ?!"

Silence.

"Do you see this mess ?!?"

Darkness

"Do you care?"

Then I hear Him whisper...

And a song fills my heart . . .

His promise is true. . .

"He is near to the brokenhearted and those whose
spirits are crushed,"
Psalm 34:18

And HOPE grows again. . .

Struggling For Perspective

By Nancy Turley

“The surrendered accept that pain is always but growing pains. And growth is always a gift—even when trials are the tutor.”   Ann Voskamp’s blog (A Holy Experience)

“What used to be a hindrance now helps you the most.” Eckhart

Outside my “Reading Room” window is a hummingbird feeder which hangs down next to a six foot high bush. I love to watch the hummers feed and rest on the steps of the feeder. That is until a Rufous appears out of its hiding place and chases them off. I see it perched in the branches of the bush or even from higher branches in our spruce tree out front, ready to pounce, selfishly declaring the feeder its own. It definitely does not play well with others. I ponder why God even created the Rufous. It is just a big bully, exercising its power, intimidating others from what is also fairly theirs.

I’ve had Rufouses in my life in the form of humans, even as an adult. But more and more, it feels like the real bully is the enemy who would steal my peace by the thoughts and lies he instills in my mind. At times I do feel like I have gone two steps forward and one back in my struggles to gain victory over this. Lately, the teasing thoughts that again assail me are of fear as I wonder about the future. My body is “talking” to me more ways than one, as is my husband Steve’s. It’s easy to project into the future with fearful outlook.

I’m near the end of the book, Into the Silent Land by Martin Laird. One chapter specifically focused on how to bring our minds to a place of silence instead of allowing the harassing thoughts to take over while praying. The author talked about the struggle to keep focused as we are taunted with the current circumstantial struggles in our lives. Interestingly as I read, my visual focus was drawn to the actual printed words with the root word of “struggle” on just one page. Without reading word by word and counting, I could make out eleven times it was mentioned! (I realized later it was because the two lower case letter “g’s” hung below the line and caused my eyes to be drawn to it as they are more darkened places on the page.)

During this counting process though, I had a mini Aha! moment when I realized I was literally doing the very thing the author was pointing out. I was focusing on the “struggle” and thus only saw the words with struggle on the page. All of the other print and wisdom on that page were diminished.

When we focus on the struggle and not the bigger picture, we narrow our perspective and can’t see what God is doing.

I know that despite our real-life struggles, God can and will use them for good, despite the “Rufous bully” thoughts of the enemy. In fact, I think because of these bully attacks, we can be strengthened in our “inner woman” to combat the new onslaughts. The fear that once overwhelmed me four years ago led me to a place of courage into a “new land” which has given me much joy.  Those hindrances are like the two sided coin that can morph our weakness into strength.

Much of our individual journeys are indeed from growing pains, but that pain is a gift—it can allow us to see from a different perspective, a bigger perspective, that of the One who can see all. 

What hinders your perspective? How have you dealt with "Rufouses" in your life? How can we see our struggles and pain as gifts?

In the Open

By Kim Beach
 
It’s time to make a confession.

I pray in the Spirit. I speak in tongues. I have a Heavenly Prayer Language. I received the gift when I was about 10 years old and my prayer language vocabulary continues to grow. It’s real. It’s amazing and I’m so thankful God has given me this gift!

There -- I said it. It's in the open!

                             

I'm not bragging. God warns us not to boast of our gifts - in fact we are commanded to remain humble (James 4:6, Matthew 23:12) and to find our glory in His cross. 

However, neither am I willing to keep my gift a secret. Humility is not defined as hiding our Gifts or talents nor is it belittling their importance or being ashamed of them.  We must guard against false humility while we seek His best gifts for the work God has prepared for each of us (1 Corinthians 12:31).

In recent years, I've leaned to the quieter side of the Holy-Spirit-and-tongues debate so that I don't offend any believers, cause dissension or division. The gift of tongues, or the Baptism of the Holy Spirit with the evidence of speaking in another language, is only one facet of the personhood of the Holy Spirit's character!  He is our counselor, comforter, instructor, guide and an ambassador of Heaven given to us by the Father to be with us until God returns again.  

And through the Holy Spirit, the Father gives the gift of speaking in tongues. 

All of God’s gifts are important - why would He bother otherwise? Each gift is essential to the Body of Christ - God does everything with meaning.  

                                  

“Do not neglect the gift that is in you,”

1 Timothy 4:14

Neglect  is an action verb with heavy meaning - 

      1. “to pay no attention or too little attention to; disregard or slight:  

      2.  to be remiss in the care or treatment of:  

      3.  to omit, through indifference or carelessness:

      4.  to fail to carry out or perform (orders, duties, etc.):  

      5.  to fail to take or use,” (dictionary.reference.com).

The challenge is to live in, use, and stir-up the gifts in you and not compare them to the gifts of others!

                                 

Our Creator loves variety! From majestic mountains to the vast Sahara; desolate horizons to lush forests; jungle rivers to springs in the desert - our Creator loves to show His creativity! The same is true with the gifts He gives - abundantly, creatively, expressively - to all who ask Him. 

Ask our Father God - what are the Gifts you have given me that I am neglecting? What gift am I ashamed to admit that I have? What gift am I afraid to use?   

And when He answers you - and He will - use that beautiful, creative gift to give the God of all Creation the Glory!

Romans 12: 3 - 8 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

Listening

By Megan Danquah

Listening.

We are taught from an early age that listening is important, and it is! Listening to our parents, listening to our siblings, listening to our teachers.  Listening to our pastors, bosses, coworkers, friends. Listening to God. I have a question for us, ladies. When was the last time that we were encouraged to listen to ourselves? When, woman of God, was the last time you were encouraged to stop, focus on yourself, get quiet, and listen to what is going on inside of you right this minute? This day? This week? This month? This season of your life? 

We have loud voices surrounding us all the time, demanding our ear. Most of them are good voices and require our care and time. We are busy women who are many times pulled in a hundred directions at once.

But have you stopped, anytime recently, to listen to that little girl inside, full of hopes and dreams for the future, untainted by the pressures and expectations of life? Have you lent an ear to that teenage girl within who is cautious yet risky, fearful and insecure yet beginning to discover the beauty that lies within herself? When was the last time you engaged that woman inside, tending to her children, husband, job, paying bills, putting food on the table, cleaning the house, doing the daily grind over and over again? Isn’t she important to listen to? Isn’t she the one that God entrusted all those beautiful responsibilities with because she is valuable and worthy and because her voice is powerful? 

I recently had a life-changing experience with listening to myself. In 2011 my oldest turned five and we decided to put her in public school, even though I wanted to try out homeschooling. I had just given birth to our third daughter over the summer and because of this I was exhausted.

After Kindergarten and 1st grade, we decided that I would give homeschooling a shot. We got through second grade and then we took a job in another state, moved here to Colorado and, without a second thought, I began homeschooling again in the fall with my (now) third grader and my middle daughter in Kindergarten. Without fail, every Sunday night, I would have a meltdown, whether internally or externally about how much I was dreading the coming week, trying to make my kids enjoy what we were doing at school even though I wasn’t enjoying it myself.

At Christmas-time, I was in the bathroom one day, having yet another meltdown, and, as the tears began coming, this time I asked myself what they were saying to me. What was happening inside of me that was causing this negative reaction to homeschooling?

I listened. Do you know what I heard?  I heard the cries of a woman who needed some space and time, who was overwhelmed and burnt out. A woman who was desperately in need of space to pursue some things that she was passionate about, things that would give her life again. And, this time, instead of allowing her voice to be drowned out, I gave her room and embraced all that she was communicating. I took her seriously.

After a few weeks of processing with my husband and some trusted friends, I made the decision to enroll my girls in public school again. It’s been a little over a month ago that we made this life change, and, girlfriends, I couldn’t be happier! The peace and vision that returned to my life is incredible. I know that I made the right decision for me! For my family! My girls are happy and thriving—growing and enjoying their time at school. Our home life has improved and I am happy again. All because I gave a listening ear to myself and my soul. I embraced me and what was happening inside, even though there were some fears attached, and it has made all the difference.

So, friend, I want to encourage you today to put the kettle on, pour yourself a hot cup of tea or coffee, and sit down for some one-on-one time with……you!  You’ll be the better for it. I promise.    

Wrestling with God

God has placed dreams and promises in my heart that haven’t come to fruition yet.  It can be frustrating.  I would imagine that many of you reading this could say the same thing.  God where is your answer?  What is your timing?  Are you even listening?  Have you forgotten about me?  Have I done something wrong?

It seems that while we are waiting on God for His answers and timing the enemy comes in with lies and doubts and we partner with him and begin to feel discouraged and abandoned.

There are dozens of stories in the Bible where normal, sinful people were struggling with God, waiting for His promises.  One story I love is that of Jacob. 

Jacob was a normal, stinky, younger brother.  He tempted Esau right out of His birthright and then cheated him out of his blessing.  He ran away, got married (twice!), cleverly took his father-in-laws best goats from his flock as his own and ran away again.  He wasn’t all bad though.  He was a hard worker and very smart.  God blessed all that he put his hands to.  He worshipped the God of his fathers and built alters to them.

On his way back to his home to make amends with his brother he stops to wrestle with God.  The Bible doesn’t say this exactly, but I wonder if Jacob remembers the promise God gave to his grandfather Abraham that his decedents would be more than the grains of sand or the stars in the sky.  God’s blessing would be on Abraham and all of the generations after him.  I wonder if Jacob wasn’t seeing the promise fulfilled here.  Especially now that he was to meet up with his brother who he was sure was still angry with him.

So he sends his family on ahead and stays to wrestle with God.  He laid it out before his God.  He knew He needed God’s blessing to go forward with this meeting with Esau.

In Genesis 32:23-28 it says

²³ After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. ²⁴ So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. ²⁵ When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. ²⁶ Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

²⁷ The man asked him, “What is your name?”

“Jacob,” he answered.

²⁸ Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel,^[a] because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

Matthew Henry’s commentary says this about wrestling:

Nothing requires more vigor and unceasing exertion than wrestling. It is an emblem of the true spirit of faith and prayer. Jacob kept his ground; though the struggle continued long, this did not shake his faith, nor silence his prayer. He will have a blessing, and had rather have all his bone put out of joint than go away without one. Those who would have the blessing of Christ must resolve to take no denial. The fervent prayer is the effectual prayer.

This is our responsibility: to wrestle with God.  Wrestling challenges our faith and causes us to press in, unwilling to let go until we receive the blessing of God.  It’s exhausting, challenging, tiring, and can seem endless, but it is truly powerful.

God answered Jacob’s prayer for blessing and favor.  God restored Jacob and Esau’s relationship and blessed the nations through them.  He listens and doesn’t demand a perfect life in order to receive His promises, just one willing to wrestle and struggle with God and humans and overcome.

God, let us be ones who do not fear the wrestling but overcome in faith!

Testimony Tuesday - He Gives Us Visions

Ryan and I are going through a difficult season with a number of family members. It started with my aunts passing at the beginning of December, Ryan's uncle being hospitalized on Christmas with terminal cancer and a dear loved one becoming separated from his wife. All of these things have weighed on us and our families emotionally, spiritually and physically.

One night we were lying in bed and Ryan grabbed my hand and said we should pray together. As Ryan began to pray he asked the Lord to become the stronghold in our lives. At that moment I felt as if I had dozed off, yet I could still hear everything he was saying. I fell into a dream-like state and had what I'm calling "A vision of fire". I saw our house in a dome of blazing, roaring fire. It was loud and fiercely bright. It was perfectly round and fully encompassing. We could see out perfectly clear but anyone looking in basically saw the sun. I immediately thought of my neighbors (who are strong believers) as we are in a du-plex and the dome spread to their side of the house as well to totally encompass them. And then it was gone. I snapped back to and was still fully aware of Ryan praying and everything he had said. It the natural it only lasted a couple seconds, but it felt like several minutes for all the details I saw and was aware of. That week we had started listening to a message on Psalm 91.  The next day the pastor started to pick apart words in this passage. Psalm 91 is all about Gods protection.

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.” (‭Psalm‬ ‭91‬:‭1-16‬ NIV)

The next morning watching our preaching show and having the pastor describe in depth the description of these words, we knew we had just had a God moment the night before. We know God is present and working. It also showed me that God is fierce in His protection. The vision is no less clear than it was when I had it. His love and protection for us does not fade.

Blessings,

Erin Bowers

Testimony Tuesday - Breaking Strongholds

In mid-February, we went to visit my uncle in Window Rock, AZ and we can home with 2 puppies.  They were lying on the side of the road and we noticed them when we first pulled up to my uncle’s house.  A couple days later, they were still there.  We had seen puppies like these numerous times before when we visit him, and we knew there was a likely chance these pups would join a dog pack or be hit by a car.  When we stopped to get a better view of them, one of them immediately ran up to us.  The other one soon followed.  They were dirty, skinny, and very sweet.  They slept most of the way to their new home.
 

We named them Mae and Dusty, and they were home for only 3 days before Dusty got sick.  We quickly figured out, she had parvo.  Every vet we talked with made note that parvo can be fatal and the pup would need intensive care for at least 48 hours. The cost would be high and the outcome uncertain. I was so conflicted.  I thought we were doing the right thing rescuing these puppies.  I thought they were a blessing from God.  And now I was being faced with a tough decision.  My impulse was to euthanize them – that while we tried to do a good thing, it was no big deal to put them down since we could easily find more pups on our next trip to the rez.  

On that day in late February, our loving Father God was speaking to me to release the stronghold of detachment, something that has been my philosophy from childhood.  He brought to mind how much he loves me and how much he wants me to care about these rescued puppies because He still recuses and He still heals.  By God’s strength, I reached out and asked for help – and God provided.  The pups were nursed back to health and as they grow and become part of our family.

I continue to see how I need to change (not as a punishment) but because I am prohibiting God’s blessing by maintaining and being overburdened by this stronghold of detachment.   God is teaching me to invest in relationships – with my children especially.  

My four daughters are older and over the last few years I’ve felt like I needed to take a break from nurturing.  I realize now that the reason I was so tired was because all my energy was going into maintaining the stronghold of detachment.  I thought I needed a break from parenting and I just really needed to break free from my stronghold.  What a revelation! 

However, this re-building of relationship is tough work especially with teenage and college-age children.  I am praying constantly for God to soften our hearts so we can receive the blessings from a mother-daughter relationship.  It has been awkward at times but God is good and He is true to His word – if we abide in Him, He will abide in us.  

In stressed situations, my first impulse is still to detach, but God is patient with me.  Nowadays, I am much more attune to the gentle voice of the Holy Spirit.  I am much more apt to receive instruction like one being taught rather than one being punished.  I have learned to see how I believed the enemy’s lies, how I had unbelief.  I know God as a true friend, trustworthy Father and Prince of Peace.  

Isaiah 26:3

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.

Esther Belin

Throwback Thursday - The Cost

Have you ever heard 'you get what you pay for?' It's very true often times. I'm a bit of a bargain shopper and when I buy cheap shirts they always seem to get tiny holes in them or when I buy cheap shoes they tend to be uncomfortable or wear out quickly. It frustrates me really. I want to be able to have good quality stuff for cheap. Not really a reality though.

Mark on the other hand doesn't mind spending money. He has had no problem dropping $100 on a pair of shoes. Or more! I remember when he bought me a pair of Dansko's for my birthday several years ago. I thought I would throw up when I found out how much they were. But I will tell you that I still have those shoes, they are still quite comfy and I still wear them. 3 summers ago I bought a pair of Choco's (nice sandals) for $100. I wear them all summer long. Everyday. Absolutely my favorite pair of sandals. And I will have them forever. Mark is totally changing my perspective on spending more for something that will last. 

You may wonder why I decided to blog about expensive shoes. I really do have a point. This weekend God challenged me with the cost of knowing Him. I have heard plenty of sermons on the cost of discipleship. But I think on Sunday God spoke to me very clearly about the cost. 

I had been praying for more of Him. What does that mean? Well I prayed that our church (and myself) would love Him more, would desire to know Him more, would be willing to serve Him more. This past weekend I experienced God in a deeper way. He spoke powerfully to me. I desire that that continues. 

And He said, do you know what that will cost? Sure I thought. Time.  Perhaps money. And He said yes...and also possibly relationships. There may be people who don't want to follow where you lead. Are you willing to still go? There are people who may not like what you're doing. Will you still do it? There may be folks who resist your teaching. Will you still teach? 

Whoa. It completely stopped me in my tracks as faces of people I love dearly flashed before my minds eye. Am I willing? Am I willing to do, go and teach what God says even if it costs me? 

Abraham was. Noah was. Moses was. David was. Esther was. Elijah was. Isaiah was. Daniel was. Jesus was. Paul was. Peter was. James and John were. 

God is certainly worth it. He is worth my all. I prayed against fear of man and fear of failure. I prayed that he would make me bold and obedient and courageous. 

I will get what I pay for with my relationship with God. I can have a little or I can have it all. I can pay a little or I can pay it all. 

He paid it all for me. He must think I am worth it. 

Testimony Tuesday - It's a Journey!

What an incredible testimony from Mary Stoner--

I am the youngest of 4 kids; those siblings are 7, 12 and 17 years older than I am.  My oldest Niece is 5 years younger than I am.  Being a child born late in my parents life and not having close relationships with most of my cousins, plus watching my own sister have have her last 2 kids in her late 30's and early 40's; left me with knowing that if I didn't have a family started by age 30 I wasn't going to start one.

There is an odd question that teachers and parents ask kids; "What do you want to be when you grow up?".  My answer was, “I want to live in Utah, in a cave, with my horse.”  I also always wanted to be a mother. 

Being raised with lots of little nieces and nephews, plus being a normal little tomboyish girl playing house drove that wish home.  Being married with a family and living somewhere in the west was the dream. 

In high school I went to a vocational school and graduated with a Horticulture degree.  My teachers were disappointed that I didn't pursue college.  My dream was to be a stay-at-home mom with my own floral business.

Fast forward 2 years met my husband at the most unlikely place, line dancing. What good Christian girl finds her husband in a bar?  It's supposed to be in church or some other "Christian" function right?  He was a believer, had a job, a house and was a very hard worker.  There was one thing that didn't fit, the only thing that didn't fit, kids.  An understanding was formed that if nothing changed by the time we were 30... kids would not be in our plan.  I prayed, begged, and pleaded that God would answer this one request.  The ONLY thing I've EVER wanted my whole life... to be a mom.

I was given a few words and actual dreams in the first year of marriage.  The first dream was “Me in labor giving birth.  Nick took our daughter and showed her to me with tears in his eyes from amazement.”  I was told children will come with Nick's agreement, along with their names.  The second dream was, “I had three baby triplets but all different ages, one boy and two girls.  The girls were 9 months apart, and my family wouldn't let me hold them.  They were carrying them all over the place and one was almost dropped.  I wanted to nurse them and not bottle feed, but the decision wasn't mine to be made.  I wasn't allowed to hold any of the babies and I couldn't even see their faces.”  A verse I was given was 2 Peter3:9 “ The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise as some understand slowness. He is patient with you,...”

For years I held on to the promise that God would soften Nick's heart and change is mind.  God is the only one who can change people.  There is nothing any one person can do to change another without resentment coming into an already touchy situation.  Since I was perfect and being given answers, of course, I was right!



Fast Forward seven years.  All things were in place we were going to start to try and have kids.  I was elated, over joyed, planning, and dreaming how to make a business run with a small one in my care.  Two weeks into trying, everything came to a screeching halt.  It wasn't going to happen.  Unless I divorced and remarried the only thing I've ever dreamed of, longed for, desired beyond all else...it would never happen.  What do you do when that kind of news hits?!!? Fall apart, scream, yell, drink, curse, and try and turn from all that you know and believed to be true.  I couldn't do anything and I died inside.  Nothing mattered anymore.  What was the point?  Why was I alive?  What was my life's purpose?  I went to the people who were supposed to be there... my pastor, a counselors, parents, and friends.  No one really had any answers.  Divorce was one choice given to me by my mother-in-law.  Marriage was for life so that wasn’t an option in my mind.  Move on, keep putting one foot in front of the other, run my business, “keep on keeping on,” even when everything seemed empty and broken.

I had two friends at the time who did very different ways of trying to help.  One told me to “drop all and go and stay with her.”  The other would call and come get me out of our house.  She would get me out to spend time with her.  She would always call me if I wasn't at her house at the expected time.  She stood beside me and made me get outside of myself.  She just listened and loved me for who I was at the time.  Day by day, week by week and long month after long month, she was there for me.  At that time another friend had a new baby girl.  Talk about a gut wrenching!  On Easter Sunday, I sat with her family and held that little girl through the whole service.  The message was about unforgiveness and right then and there I made a choice.  To live in bitterness and anger that things aren’t going the way I had planed or to forgive and move on.



Forgive and move on, sounds really easy right?  There is a “warm fuzzy feeling” and all is taken care of right.... not exactly.  Everywhere I went there is a reminder of my pain.  The counselors we went to were (in my opinion) useless and actually made things worse.  My doctor even placed seeds of doubt in that decision to forgive and move on.  So even though I chose to forgive, the bitterness and emptiness still remained.  I dove back into my business, into worship team and choir, Bible studies... anything to find that happiness again.

Two years later there was finally a break... a piece of tangible healing.  A family at church needed a baby sitter.  I was working from home and the extra money was needed.  The mother placed her 3 month old baby boy in my arms and headed to work.  There he was a baby in my arms.  Someone to love, hold and hand back and the end of the day.  I also was watching a little girl two days a week while her mother worked.  There were two children in my house I was in heaven and loving every moment. Things between Nick and I were healing and there was another new baby in the family.  Nick had his first blood nephew, who of course, we would watch when the need arose. 



That summer we took our sixth trip in Colorado in nine years of marriage. This trip had a surprising twist that neither of us ever expected. “What was keeping us in Pennsylvania?” we asked ourselves.  So the question became “IF” we move where would we go?  Creed and Gunnison were too small.  Colorado Springs and Denver were way to big.  Getting out of a city area was the goal. Durango.

From very young age, I traveled across the country for four weeks of vacation every year until I was 16; spending at least a week in Durango, visiting my aunt and uncle.  I had family there and it's big enough to find jobs.  Durango it was! We made plans and move in three to five years.  I closed my flower shop business and took a job at a local flower shop.  Our house went on the market in October of 2009 and our dream house in Durango went under contract with someone else.  November 2009, the contract fell through with the other bidder on our Durango home and we snatched it up, with one stipulation.  Our Pennsylvania home had to sell first.   December there was a whirlwind weekend trip to see our home in Durango. Then January and February passed with no nibbles on our Pennsylvania home.  March brought the offer needed and we were Colorado home owners by April. On our 10th anniversary Nick moved our dog, our cat, and me to live in our new home and left us to fend for ourselves three days later. 

I landed a job at a local flower shop and started Mothers Day week, Nick had a much harder time securing a job and moved out a month later, still jobless.

  Jobs in Colorado can be tough!  After starting my new job at the local flower shop and only being their 6 months…I was told to “get out away from the company I was working for.”  It took another year and a half to understand why.  Flower shops are not this super fun place to work that you may think.  I can only do it for 3 years and then burn out sets in.  January of 2013 the job hunt was on, but to do what?  I'm a 20 year veteran florist and customer service is my life, like it or not.  The said friend who kept telling me “Get out of that place it's killing you.”  wound up in a on of our local coffee shops.  Well, that's customer service, I don't know anything about coffee, but I can learn. So I went full steam ahead and sent resumes to every coffee shop in town, for any sales type position... you name it I went after it!  There was one place I  really wanted to go and it was Durango Joe's.  I decided I'd take any position they offered me.  It finally came down to two choices.  At Durango Joe's that offered less money, less hours, with a steep learning curve; or a position as the City Market floral manager.  I shut the door on my floral life, and yet another dream died, this time by my own choosing.

I was going to a small group at still the same friends house and we were doing a study on Ephesians.  “Somehow”, I wound up in Galatians on a  scripture “bunny trail” and I ran into a little verse that got me through the next few months of trials.  Galatians 3:3 “Are you so foolish? After beginning by means of the Sprirt, are you now trying to finish by means of the flesh”?  There was so much anguish to get away from this unhealthy floral job, that I forgot why it was part of my life and that it was how we were able to move.  I was trying to make things happen again the way I wanted them to.  HE had a plan yet again.

 After giving my two weeks’ notice (not always a nice place to land), GOD had plan in place.  I started my new job in the brand new kitchen at Durango Joes and within three weeks I became the manager.  I have no formal food service training just hard work and basic common sense.  How in the world did I get here!  Apparently HE's not done yet. 

This past year has been yet another whirlwind of “Seriously God what is next?”  There was the finding of our church home.  The changing of jobs for Nick and I, growth in our marriage (that neither of us can believe) and the final realization of not having kids.  This is seven years later from that horrible heart breaking day.  This summer I went to a weekend trip with the girls from my small group and we were playing some odd physiology game.

 You are walking alone in the desert “Utah” and you come across a cube.
How big is the cube? “Nothing exciting size of a house in the desert.”
What color is the cube? “Clear”

You see a ladder.
Is the ladder leaning on the cube? “Yes”
You see a horse.
What is the distance between the cube and the horse? “Standing beside”
There is a storm.
What is the distance between the storm and the cube? “In the distance”
Is the size of the storm big or small? “Large like a western storm”
Is the storm passing by or staying in place? “moving”
Is the storm violent, thunder, and lightning or calm and light rain? “yes”
You see a flower. “Nope no flower.”

Meanings:
Cube: The cube represents you and how you see yourself in the world. If the cube is transparent that means people can see right through you. The size of the cube compared to the desert represents your ego. If the cube is large in comparison to the desert you think highly of yourself.
Ladder: The ladder represents your friends. If the ladder is leaning on the cube, your friends tend to lean on you for support.
Horse: The horse represents your husband. The distance between the horse and the cube represents the closeness you have with your husband.
Storm: The storm represents some obstacle in your life. If the storm is passing, the issue is current with a resolution in the near future. If the storm is staying put, it has been an ongoing obstacle in your life with no resolution in sight. The size of the storm represents how big of an obstacle this is to you, as does the distance. The further away the storm the less importance you place on it. If the storm is violent it means this obstacle is causing quite some grief.
Flower: The flower represents your children or desire to have children.
Utah desert, transparent person, a few close friends, husband/horse, with a moving storm and get this NO KIDS.

I LOST it and only one person in that group knew the real reason why.  This is something I hold close.  It is painful and the last thing I want to do is bring a bad light on someone I love, especially Nick.  Later that summer in another small group time, it was time to share what happened that evening around the campfire.  The reality of not having children means we are here in this place I've wished for my whole life next to wanting kids.  Here in this place being used in ways that neither Nick nor I can even explain.  Here with GOD's voice so clear some days it kind of freaks us out.  Trials come and go sometime we remember to listen to Gods voice, sometimes we forget and try and ignore Him, but he keeps making us grow regardless.

  There were some more amazing revelations still to come.  Reminders that I'm not alone.  Letting people (especially women) close to me is tough... REALLY tough.  I'm a guy at heart, tomboy up a tree in a dress, when emotions and hormones kick in I sit back and wonder what the heck is wrong with me.  Girls still boggle my mind.  Woman’s bible studies, ladies breakfast and anything along those lines, will make me run and hide.  Yet, I'm pushed into uncomfortable situations to grow weather I want to or not many times.

Christmas brought yet another key to that locked door buried deep inside.  Kids and Christmas... seriously  what more could there be?  I've learned to not like Christmas because of the commercialism, the hard work being a florist (especially endless sap and the evil pine cones and needles... blah).  Enter HIS still small voice. “What was your last Christmas present?”  “The gift of kids.” BAM! It was like getting sucker punched!  I thought it was because of all the years of craft shows and Christmas crap. Nope. The last Christmas gift Nick ever gave me was the promise of having kids. We had spent a year preparing and tried for two weeks…and suddenly the dream was taken, or was it.  I do have my kids, maybe not the way most people would think.  For six months I watched a sweet little boy every day and Nick and I became close friends with his amazing parents.  I was able to baby sit a little Chinese girl who was adopted by a family here in the US while her parents also worked.  I have 8 nieces and 6 nephews, most of whom have been able to find a place to share their frustrations with, when there was a need.  There are two great nieces who I am missing very much. living 2000 miles from them.  I'm living in the place that even as a small child I have loved.  I'm married to a man I never dreamed would make me this happy and furious all at the same time.  Lets face it, all relationships have some time that one or both of you cut the other in ways that are super painful.  We have been growing in ways that I never thought possible. I'm excited to see what the next chapters will bring...hopefully it doesn’t mean public speaking or anything!