The Making of a Hospital Mom

"When the Unthinkable becomes your Reality, 

you have two choices: Regret or Redemption"  ~ The Hospital Mom

On January 27, 1999 the unthinkable became our reality. Our pink and precious daughter of 6 months suffered a massive mid-cerebral arterial stroke. The main artery between her spine and her brain had become blocked from a blood clot at the juncture where it splits into the left and right hemispheres. Worldwide, 1 in 25,000 live births will suffer a stroke each year.  

The years that have followed have been tumultuous. Doctors, therapies, drug studies, seizures, and surgeries. There are times where I felt I have earned doctoral degrees in Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, Pharmacology, Neurology, Developmental Pediatrics and Child Psychology from the Mother's Medical Institute.

At any moment I can walk into an emergency room and speak in medical terms with any nurse, doctor or specialist. Pity the poor nurse who argued with me that my child could not possibly have suffered a stroke. "Children do not have strokes," she said with condescending authority.

Ashley was having seizures and I walked into the emergency room in Tulsa, Oklahoma telling the medical team what she needed. I had been on the phone with her neurologist and we agreed I could transport her to the hospital quicker than an ambulance could find me - plus I was already in the car and on my way - and he would meet me there.  

My dad met us at the hospital and while he entertained my 25 month old daughter, I politely asked the nurse to step outside the room. "Never tell a parent in front of a child that they are making up a diagnosis, especially one this horrid," I said with the indignation of a mom who was living the unimaginable. The nurse continued to argue with me as the doctor approached and I told her to go pull up the MRI and CT scans from the past 2 years. "I will," she assured me and stomped off, hands on her hips. And she did. The neurologist arrived, treatment began and later, he brought a very apologetic nurse into the room and assured her that infants do indeed have strokes.  

That night I realized that parents must be advocates for their children. As the years passed, I learned most parents are so intimated by the medical process, hospital personnel and are simply overwhelmed by their situation that they are afraid to speak up. They will accept whatever is told them and not ask questions, advocate for help or seek solutions for their children.  

I have worked with families in numerous settings - adult education centers, as a parent advocate in schools, at church and as a chaplain. The redemption of Ashley's story is in sharing the wisdom, education and experiences we have gained in this struggle.  

Parents of chronically medically challenged children are more likely to divorce, have extra-marital affairs and battle addictions. As their world centers around their children, hospitals and the medical world, they withdraw into themselves and face depression while living in a constant state of regret - the "would of, could of, should of" state of mind.  

Our purpose is simple:

         To provide Hope and Humor to Families of Chronically Medically Challenged Children. 

The ways we do that are numerous:

         Website - Hospitalmom.net

         Facebook - Hospital Mom

         Writing for Blogs like this one and at HospitalMom.net

         Answering Emails of Hurting Families at      
                    Kim@hospitalmom.net

         H.O.P.E. Delivery Bags for Caregivers at Hospitals

Currently, I am writing a book to bring Hope to Families. The following is an excerpt from "Beautifully Complicated," the story of redeeming the hurt in our lives in order "to Know HIM and Make HIM Known."

from BEAUTIFULLY COMPLICATED

“This is my Father’s World

and to my listening ears

    All nature sings and ‘round me rings

The beauty of the sphere.”

Eighteen years ago I first sang this song to my infant baby girl. Born early - eager to change our world. Born tiny - proving size does not matter. Born the baby sister - her brother in love with her before she was before. Born a surprise - her daddy named her the moment he saw the positive pregnancy test. 

“This is my Father’s World

I rest me in the thought

   Of rocks and trees; of skies and seas

His hand the wonders wrought.”

Fifteen times I have laid her on an operating table and sang those words in her ear as she drifted to sleep. Sometimes easily.  Sometimes fearfully, gripping my hand.  Sometimes I have had tears in own voice and many times, I have sang to a room full of surgeons and technicians who came to the operating theater because they had heard of this family who sang before surgery and wanted to experience the peace that is in the room.

Three times I have sang this hymn in the surgery waiting room because that facility did not allow me to accompany her into the operating room.

Eighteen surgeries.  

        Thousands of miles driven in rain, snow, sunshine and shadow. 

        Months our family has lived apart - separated by 8 hours and the Rocky Mountains.

        Dozens of professionals. Hundreds of medications. Thousands of phone calls to doctors.  
Ten Thousands of hours in research by specialists and parents.   

        Millions of prayers raised by family, friends and even strangers.

This indeed is My Father's World. The Unthinkable will happen because this world is in a fallen state where the sin of mankind has brought heartache. Yet God redeems the pain of our fallen state to help each other. When we help each other that pain becomes bearable, even manageable as we allow Him to reveal His glory as we live other lives for others.  

           “This is my Father's world. 

                    O let me ne'er forget 

              that though the wrong seems oft so strong, 

                   God is the ruler yet. 

            This is my Father's world: 

                   why should my heart be sad? 

            The Lord is King; let the heavens ring! 

                  God reigns; let the earth be glad!”

Are you living the Unthinkable?  

Where you never dreamed you would be?

Are you living in Regret - depressed, lonely, self-pity -  or in Redemption?

As you listen to the song below, go to God in Prayer and 

ask the Father -

"How will you redeem the pain in my life?  

Who can I serve?"

"This is Our Father's World"

Our Favorite Version! Enjoy!

  Amy Grant "This Is My Father's World"

Relax. He Knows.

By Jill Palmer 

A while back I was homeschooling my oldest and we were working on math. He's always been good at math and has understood it very quickly. While that's great, it has also presented a problem. He's now getting into a kind of math that isn't as easy to understand right away. I believe he will eventually get it and do well, but it will take a little more practice and time. I see his skills and believe in his ability to excel in this.

As we were sitting together going over the problems he had gotten wrong, he was overwhelmed with how many he had messed up. He reacted so strongly to this disappointment in himself that it kind of caught me off guard. I wasn't upset at all that he'd gotten some wrong, nor did I have the expectation - spoken or unspoken - that he shouldn't have any trouble at all.

In fact, I was the opposite. I knew it was difficult and would take some practice to understand. It would also take patience and persistence - as well as good handwriting :) I was fully prepared to be going over many problems with him.

Somehow he didn't believe me though. He was still thinking he should've gotten everything right on the first try. Eventually there were tears and storming off. And I just stared after him in awe, wondering what had just happened.

While I stood there, jaw dropped, I felt the Lord say to me, "Does this seem familiar to you at all?"

As I thought about it it was absolutely familiar. My son was acting like me. And I was feeling how God feels. Boom.

How often has God given me an assignment, a calling, and because I didn't get it right away or succeed in the way I thought I should have been able to, I've stomped off in frustration with disappointment all over my face? Too many times I'm afraid.

And I feel like God has quietly stood watching, thinking "I know she can do this. I know it will be hard but I believe in her ability to accomplish this. It will take some hard work and some perseverance but I know she will excel. Why does she think she has to be perfect right away? I've never condemned her for her set backs, never yelled at her failings. I've only encouraged and trained. Why doesn't she believe me? I am fully prepared to walk through this with her and help her along the way."

I am blown away at how God takes a situation with one of my children and overwhelms me with His heart, His love, His tender kindness towards me. In a way that I can totally relate. He's so patient with me, His often-stubborn, doubting, smart, capable daughter.

                            

Parenting... it's worth it.

By Jen Kline

At the Marriage dinner Jill shared her heart about marriages and new beginnings and I thought to myself how beautiful it is when we can say something is hard, but it’s worth it. I totally agree with her. And then I think about parenting and being a mom and wife and all the things that come with leading a child into all the intricacies of who God created them to be and I think about the glimpses of who I see with each passing year and I see the same thing that is true about marriage is also true about parenting...it is hard, but it’s so worth it.

I’m thankful for the gift of a child. When Grace (my oldest) was born, my first thought literally was, “I do not deserve this beautiful gift.” (I did not understand my identity in Christ at the time)

My second thought was, “ I did not DO THIS. I was the vessel God used to bring this creative beautiful gift to the world, but I really had no part in it other than carrying her and nurturing her while I ate lots of rice and strawberries and drank orange pop (that's a word for soda in Minnesota). I realized that this gift was so precious to God - He trusted me with her! It was then that I began to realize the true love of God.


After about three weeks of being hunkered down in my house with my precious gift, I decided to venture out with my little brother, Austin, and take her for a walk in our neighborhood. I walked her two blocks down the road in a covered stroller in the horribly muggy month of May in Buffalo, Minnesota! We lived very close to a lake so the mosquitos and bugs were out in full force!

The minute I heard the buzzing little insects flying around her precious skin, I turned around and headed back to the house. The world was just too dangerous for this beautiful gift. I didn’t want her to get hurt. I didn’t want her to experience the things I had experienced. I didn’t want her to be disappointed. I only wanted the best for her. I didn’t realize how hurt I was. I didn’t know my wounds - I just knew I wanted to protect her from all of it. These conditions were too harsh for this precious person. She was too valuable.

As I type this tears are flowing… (I think blogs are really journals disguised as literature ;) So it is in that context (my parenting) that God began me on a journey to understand why I needed him and who I was in him. I needed to understand that so I could show Grace how valuable it was for her. He was showing me why he was valuable and why I needed to receive his love. He felt the exact same way about me that I felt about my daughter. His heart broke when mosquitoes came too close ;) His heart broke when I was sad or disappointed. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for me. It was with those understandings of the preciousness of a child that God began to break my heart, soften it and draw me closer to him.

The Holy Spirit partnered with me the minute my daughter was born. He was there, I heard him. He will not leave or forsake us as we parent. He is close. With every question, he has an answer. With every worry, he’s there to hand it off to. He will do this with us as we position ourselves to hear him. I’m so thankful for that.

It is with this background that I lead our children in riverKIDS and I share my heart with you. I see the preciousness of each child. I see the heart behind each little Garanimals sweatshirt. I look for the beauty in each child that is the image of God. Speaking encouragement to them is my favorite thing to do. Encouraging others to appreciate, see, hear, know and love our kids is my hearts cry. I love letting people know that God builds some amazing things into these people we call kids. We get to slow down, watch for it, talk to them, receive what they have to offer and watch God move. I believe kids are the purest form of his image. If we allow them to be who he created them to be, we will see it.

If we seek him as we parent we will find what we are looking for. The answers will mostly be something he desires to teach us about ourselves (as I’ve learned). The answer will come through the words of the Bible, a beautiful kind loving word, a picture or maybe a gentle breeze.

Matthew 6:33 (MSG) “If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.”

And as you do that, your bright-eyed beautiful precious children will watch you walk out the grace and goodness of God in front of them. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it, I promise.

Listening

By Megan Danquah

Listening.

We are taught from an early age that listening is important, and it is! Listening to our parents, listening to our siblings, listening to our teachers.  Listening to our pastors, bosses, coworkers, friends. Listening to God. I have a question for us, ladies. When was the last time that we were encouraged to listen to ourselves? When, woman of God, was the last time you were encouraged to stop, focus on yourself, get quiet, and listen to what is going on inside of you right this minute? This day? This week? This month? This season of your life? 

We have loud voices surrounding us all the time, demanding our ear. Most of them are good voices and require our care and time. We are busy women who are many times pulled in a hundred directions at once.

But have you stopped, anytime recently, to listen to that little girl inside, full of hopes and dreams for the future, untainted by the pressures and expectations of life? Have you lent an ear to that teenage girl within who is cautious yet risky, fearful and insecure yet beginning to discover the beauty that lies within herself? When was the last time you engaged that woman inside, tending to her children, husband, job, paying bills, putting food on the table, cleaning the house, doing the daily grind over and over again? Isn’t she important to listen to? Isn’t she the one that God entrusted all those beautiful responsibilities with because she is valuable and worthy and because her voice is powerful? 

I recently had a life-changing experience with listening to myself. In 2011 my oldest turned five and we decided to put her in public school, even though I wanted to try out homeschooling. I had just given birth to our third daughter over the summer and because of this I was exhausted.

After Kindergarten and 1st grade, we decided that I would give homeschooling a shot. We got through second grade and then we took a job in another state, moved here to Colorado and, without a second thought, I began homeschooling again in the fall with my (now) third grader and my middle daughter in Kindergarten. Without fail, every Sunday night, I would have a meltdown, whether internally or externally about how much I was dreading the coming week, trying to make my kids enjoy what we were doing at school even though I wasn’t enjoying it myself.

At Christmas-time, I was in the bathroom one day, having yet another meltdown, and, as the tears began coming, this time I asked myself what they were saying to me. What was happening inside of me that was causing this negative reaction to homeschooling?

I listened. Do you know what I heard?  I heard the cries of a woman who needed some space and time, who was overwhelmed and burnt out. A woman who was desperately in need of space to pursue some things that she was passionate about, things that would give her life again. And, this time, instead of allowing her voice to be drowned out, I gave her room and embraced all that she was communicating. I took her seriously.

After a few weeks of processing with my husband and some trusted friends, I made the decision to enroll my girls in public school again. It’s been a little over a month ago that we made this life change, and, girlfriends, I couldn’t be happier! The peace and vision that returned to my life is incredible. I know that I made the right decision for me! For my family! My girls are happy and thriving—growing and enjoying their time at school. Our home life has improved and I am happy again. All because I gave a listening ear to myself and my soul. I embraced me and what was happening inside, even though there were some fears attached, and it has made all the difference.

So, friend, I want to encourage you today to put the kettle on, pour yourself a hot cup of tea or coffee, and sit down for some one-on-one time with……you!  You’ll be the better for it. I promise.    

Are You Enough?

Last week was the biggest event in football - the Super Bowl.  Did you watch the dramatic ending?  Or were you more focused on the commercials?  I admit to both.  I enjoy watching a good game and the good commercials are always fun.  There was a lot of drama surrounding this year's game and personally as a Bronco fan, I didn't really care too much who won.  I'm not a fan of either team.  But something hit me when I heard the news about the Patriot's homecoming celebration in Boston.

They had delayed the big parade because of the weather, which still wasn’t great the day of the parade but the fans still showed up in huge numbers to cheer on the Super Bowl Champs.  As I was listening to the radio news describe the event, the broadcaster remarked at how the Patriots were holding up four fingers to the fans, representing the four Super Bowl victories they had won since 2002 under the leadership of Bill Belichick.  A pretty remarkable feat no matter how you feel about the team.

What surprised me, and made me a little sad, was what the broadcaster said next.  As the Patriots held up four fingers, the fans held up five – signifying they wanted five wins now.  Wow.

As if four wasn’t a great accomplishment in and of itself, the fans wanted more.  Four is great but five is better!  Almost immediately I heard the Lord remind me, “The world will always want more.  You can never do enough or be enough to satisfy them.”

How true.  I have encountered this more times than I’d care to admit.  How many times have I tried harder, worked longer, made up my hair/face/clothes to match the magazines, read the blogs on being a better wife, mom, homeschool parent, friend, pastor’s wife etc… All to no avail.  I fall flat when I listen to what the world wants. 

You didn’t yell at your kids today?  Good for you.  Now make sure they excel in sports and education.  Cooked a gourmet, organic meal?  Eh.  Grow your own veggies if you really cared about your family.  Went on a date with your hubby? Make sure that your body looks like the model on the magazine or he’ll look elsewhere. 

It’s enough to make you crazy and feel like you’re a hamster in a wheel.  Running and running but never really getting anywhere.

But then I tune my ears to God. I seek Him first and I measure up every time.  Not because I am perfect but because He is.  I'm always growing and changing but it isn't to please the un-pleasable, it's submitting to the One Who knows me intimately and wants the best for me and my family. Opposite of the cookie cutter, impossible to achieve expectations the world gives us. 

Feeling like just when you get ahead you discover you're actually far, far behind?   Who are you listening to?

Testimony Tuesday - the power of community

My WORST. MOM. MOMENT. EVER. EVER. EVER. EVER.

It had been planned for over a month… Asha was supposed to ride the Polar Express with a somewhat older friend of mine, her daughter, and more specifically with her granddaughter, Nicole, on Tuesday night December 30^th. These two little girls are really good friends…even though they only see each other once a year, as Nicole lives in OK. Due to poor planning, miscommunication with Shawn, and just flat being an irresponsible idiot... WelI…I proceeded to have my WORST. MOM. MOMENT. EVER. EVER. EVER. EVER. The train was pulling away RIGHT IN FRONT OF US as we were caught at a stoplight on Main St. and College Ave. (1 block from the train station)!!!!! Asha and I ran like Cheetahs into the train station…only to be told… “I’m sorry girls…it’s too late to get on the train.” I remember Asha peering up at me with her big, brown eyes and asking, “But Mama…how am I gonna get on the train???” I said nothing. I couldn’t. I was absolutely numb. This was BY FAR my LOWEST. MOM. MOMENT. EVER. EVER. EVER.

The walk back to my friends Jeep (she drove us into town driving like Mario Andretti)…was the LONGEST of my life. No words were said. There I was…walking back to the Jeep, hand in hand, with my sweet, precious, innocent, lil' girl...as the train went the OTHER direction. Asha climbed into the back seat, completely silent. I breathed the BIGGEST breath that I could muster and turned around to face my daughter… It was dark in the Jeep, but the street light caught her sweet, precious face. It was then that I noticed two big tears roll down her saddened face. That sight brought the waterworks for both of us, while my sweet friend sat quietly in the driver’s seat. We both sat and BAWLED our eyes out... I repented to her. Told her it was ALL MY FAULT. My heart ACHED for HERS… I had messed up MONUMENTALLY… She just sat there with her lil' innocent tears streaming down her face.

So...we took her to Durango Joe's to get a “peace offering” hot coco, heavy on the whip and sprinkles. We waited for the train to return (it's only gone an hour). Then we waited for my friend, her daughter, and Nicole to get off the train. We met them in the train store, only for me to get called "The Doghouse Girl" by Nicole’s mom and then I was told by my friend that Nicole was crying for Asha as the train pulled away from the station. DOUBLE DAGGER on top of an already gaping wound… I didn't sleep very well at all that night... I kept waking up with the sight of Asha sitting in the back seat of the car...tears rolling down her sweet face. Siiiiiigh... I was grieving for my daughter, her heart, my heart… I couldn’t carry this. I needed JESUS to carry this burden for me. I got up and began to talk, pray, sob, and tried my best to give HIM my hurt... I heard him say, “Text Jen (Kline) and share what happened. I am going to speak to you, through her…” I did just that. At the end of my mile long text to her…I said to Jen, “Just wanted to share this with you, knowing you would have some encouraging words for me...” I did not tell her that the LORD had directed me too.

The LORD is FAITHFUL when we do what HE says… This was Jen’s text to me:

“I actually have tears as I’m typing this. I can’t imagine how you must feel. I think the reason I am crying is because I know how much you LOVE to bless your kids. And it makes me sad to know how sad you must have been/are. I will pray for Asha and her dealing with the disappointment and I think it is SO HUGE that you prayed with her... Trust that God will instill in her a grace giving loving heart because of you taking it back to Jesus. You are not perfect. There are no parent "fails." Everything we try and do with our kids is something God can use for his glory. He wastes nothing. The Polar Express is fleeting... Jesus is eternal... Asha will always be better because if you walking out your journey in front of her. You show her what the grace and goodness of GOD looks like and you will never go wrong. Ever.”

Jen sent a second text… “On another note, I was actually just thinking about how beautifully you plan things to do with your family, how you think ahead, consider the "fun" things you can do together, little trips, going back to MN to see family. Your children have a FULL and blessed life! And it is largely because of the efforts you make and have made since the day Asha & Caleb were born. Cut yourself a whole lot of slack on the “Grace-o-Meter.... You rock. You are a kick a** mom!!!”

I guess my point in sharing this BAD. MOM. MOMENT. with all of you is this… WE NEED EACH OTHER… WE REALLY DO!!! I could have wallowed in self-pity, guilt, sorrow, disgust…at the pain I caused EVERYONE involved… But, chose instead to bring a girlfriend into my “moment”. GOD used Jen to speak TRUTH into what the enemy wanted me to sit and ruminate on… TRANSPARENCY brings FREEDOM and is LIFE-GIVING ladies!!! It may suck to share your “crap”…but you WILL be a better woman, mom, sister, daughter, friend…because of it!

That’s RIGHT…I am a KICK A** Mom!!!

Lynn Dearey

Testimony Tuesday - It's a Journey!

What an incredible testimony from Mary Stoner--

I am the youngest of 4 kids; those siblings are 7, 12 and 17 years older than I am.  My oldest Niece is 5 years younger than I am.  Being a child born late in my parents life and not having close relationships with most of my cousins, plus watching my own sister have have her last 2 kids in her late 30's and early 40's; left me with knowing that if I didn't have a family started by age 30 I wasn't going to start one.

There is an odd question that teachers and parents ask kids; "What do you want to be when you grow up?".  My answer was, “I want to live in Utah, in a cave, with my horse.”  I also always wanted to be a mother. 

Being raised with lots of little nieces and nephews, plus being a normal little tomboyish girl playing house drove that wish home.  Being married with a family and living somewhere in the west was the dream. 

In high school I went to a vocational school and graduated with a Horticulture degree.  My teachers were disappointed that I didn't pursue college.  My dream was to be a stay-at-home mom with my own floral business.

Fast forward 2 years met my husband at the most unlikely place, line dancing. What good Christian girl finds her husband in a bar?  It's supposed to be in church or some other "Christian" function right?  He was a believer, had a job, a house and was a very hard worker.  There was one thing that didn't fit, the only thing that didn't fit, kids.  An understanding was formed that if nothing changed by the time we were 30... kids would not be in our plan.  I prayed, begged, and pleaded that God would answer this one request.  The ONLY thing I've EVER wanted my whole life... to be a mom.

I was given a few words and actual dreams in the first year of marriage.  The first dream was “Me in labor giving birth.  Nick took our daughter and showed her to me with tears in his eyes from amazement.”  I was told children will come with Nick's agreement, along with their names.  The second dream was, “I had three baby triplets but all different ages, one boy and two girls.  The girls were 9 months apart, and my family wouldn't let me hold them.  They were carrying them all over the place and one was almost dropped.  I wanted to nurse them and not bottle feed, but the decision wasn't mine to be made.  I wasn't allowed to hold any of the babies and I couldn't even see their faces.”  A verse I was given was 2 Peter3:9 “ The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise as some understand slowness. He is patient with you,...”

For years I held on to the promise that God would soften Nick's heart and change is mind.  God is the only one who can change people.  There is nothing any one person can do to change another without resentment coming into an already touchy situation.  Since I was perfect and being given answers, of course, I was right!



Fast Forward seven years.  All things were in place we were going to start to try and have kids.  I was elated, over joyed, planning, and dreaming how to make a business run with a small one in my care.  Two weeks into trying, everything came to a screeching halt.  It wasn't going to happen.  Unless I divorced and remarried the only thing I've ever dreamed of, longed for, desired beyond all else...it would never happen.  What do you do when that kind of news hits?!!? Fall apart, scream, yell, drink, curse, and try and turn from all that you know and believed to be true.  I couldn't do anything and I died inside.  Nothing mattered anymore.  What was the point?  Why was I alive?  What was my life's purpose?  I went to the people who were supposed to be there... my pastor, a counselors, parents, and friends.  No one really had any answers.  Divorce was one choice given to me by my mother-in-law.  Marriage was for life so that wasn’t an option in my mind.  Move on, keep putting one foot in front of the other, run my business, “keep on keeping on,” even when everything seemed empty and broken.

I had two friends at the time who did very different ways of trying to help.  One told me to “drop all and go and stay with her.”  The other would call and come get me out of our house.  She would get me out to spend time with her.  She would always call me if I wasn't at her house at the expected time.  She stood beside me and made me get outside of myself.  She just listened and loved me for who I was at the time.  Day by day, week by week and long month after long month, she was there for me.  At that time another friend had a new baby girl.  Talk about a gut wrenching!  On Easter Sunday, I sat with her family and held that little girl through the whole service.  The message was about unforgiveness and right then and there I made a choice.  To live in bitterness and anger that things aren’t going the way I had planed or to forgive and move on.



Forgive and move on, sounds really easy right?  There is a “warm fuzzy feeling” and all is taken care of right.... not exactly.  Everywhere I went there is a reminder of my pain.  The counselors we went to were (in my opinion) useless and actually made things worse.  My doctor even placed seeds of doubt in that decision to forgive and move on.  So even though I chose to forgive, the bitterness and emptiness still remained.  I dove back into my business, into worship team and choir, Bible studies... anything to find that happiness again.

Two years later there was finally a break... a piece of tangible healing.  A family at church needed a baby sitter.  I was working from home and the extra money was needed.  The mother placed her 3 month old baby boy in my arms and headed to work.  There he was a baby in my arms.  Someone to love, hold and hand back and the end of the day.  I also was watching a little girl two days a week while her mother worked.  There were two children in my house I was in heaven and loving every moment. Things between Nick and I were healing and there was another new baby in the family.  Nick had his first blood nephew, who of course, we would watch when the need arose. 



That summer we took our sixth trip in Colorado in nine years of marriage. This trip had a surprising twist that neither of us ever expected. “What was keeping us in Pennsylvania?” we asked ourselves.  So the question became “IF” we move where would we go?  Creed and Gunnison were too small.  Colorado Springs and Denver were way to big.  Getting out of a city area was the goal. Durango.

From very young age, I traveled across the country for four weeks of vacation every year until I was 16; spending at least a week in Durango, visiting my aunt and uncle.  I had family there and it's big enough to find jobs.  Durango it was! We made plans and move in three to five years.  I closed my flower shop business and took a job at a local flower shop.  Our house went on the market in October of 2009 and our dream house in Durango went under contract with someone else.  November 2009, the contract fell through with the other bidder on our Durango home and we snatched it up, with one stipulation.  Our Pennsylvania home had to sell first.   December there was a whirlwind weekend trip to see our home in Durango. Then January and February passed with no nibbles on our Pennsylvania home.  March brought the offer needed and we were Colorado home owners by April. On our 10th anniversary Nick moved our dog, our cat, and me to live in our new home and left us to fend for ourselves three days later. 

I landed a job at a local flower shop and started Mothers Day week, Nick had a much harder time securing a job and moved out a month later, still jobless.

  Jobs in Colorado can be tough!  After starting my new job at the local flower shop and only being their 6 months…I was told to “get out away from the company I was working for.”  It took another year and a half to understand why.  Flower shops are not this super fun place to work that you may think.  I can only do it for 3 years and then burn out sets in.  January of 2013 the job hunt was on, but to do what?  I'm a 20 year veteran florist and customer service is my life, like it or not.  The said friend who kept telling me “Get out of that place it's killing you.”  wound up in a on of our local coffee shops.  Well, that's customer service, I don't know anything about coffee, but I can learn. So I went full steam ahead and sent resumes to every coffee shop in town, for any sales type position... you name it I went after it!  There was one place I  really wanted to go and it was Durango Joe's.  I decided I'd take any position they offered me.  It finally came down to two choices.  At Durango Joe's that offered less money, less hours, with a steep learning curve; or a position as the City Market floral manager.  I shut the door on my floral life, and yet another dream died, this time by my own choosing.

I was going to a small group at still the same friends house and we were doing a study on Ephesians.  “Somehow”, I wound up in Galatians on a  scripture “bunny trail” and I ran into a little verse that got me through the next few months of trials.  Galatians 3:3 “Are you so foolish? After beginning by means of the Sprirt, are you now trying to finish by means of the flesh”?  There was so much anguish to get away from this unhealthy floral job, that I forgot why it was part of my life and that it was how we were able to move.  I was trying to make things happen again the way I wanted them to.  HE had a plan yet again.

 After giving my two weeks’ notice (not always a nice place to land), GOD had plan in place.  I started my new job in the brand new kitchen at Durango Joes and within three weeks I became the manager.  I have no formal food service training just hard work and basic common sense.  How in the world did I get here!  Apparently HE's not done yet. 

This past year has been yet another whirlwind of “Seriously God what is next?”  There was the finding of our church home.  The changing of jobs for Nick and I, growth in our marriage (that neither of us can believe) and the final realization of not having kids.  This is seven years later from that horrible heart breaking day.  This summer I went to a weekend trip with the girls from my small group and we were playing some odd physiology game.

 You are walking alone in the desert “Utah” and you come across a cube.
How big is the cube? “Nothing exciting size of a house in the desert.”
What color is the cube? “Clear”

You see a ladder.
Is the ladder leaning on the cube? “Yes”
You see a horse.
What is the distance between the cube and the horse? “Standing beside”
There is a storm.
What is the distance between the storm and the cube? “In the distance”
Is the size of the storm big or small? “Large like a western storm”
Is the storm passing by or staying in place? “moving”
Is the storm violent, thunder, and lightning or calm and light rain? “yes”
You see a flower. “Nope no flower.”

Meanings:
Cube: The cube represents you and how you see yourself in the world. If the cube is transparent that means people can see right through you. The size of the cube compared to the desert represents your ego. If the cube is large in comparison to the desert you think highly of yourself.
Ladder: The ladder represents your friends. If the ladder is leaning on the cube, your friends tend to lean on you for support.
Horse: The horse represents your husband. The distance between the horse and the cube represents the closeness you have with your husband.
Storm: The storm represents some obstacle in your life. If the storm is passing, the issue is current with a resolution in the near future. If the storm is staying put, it has been an ongoing obstacle in your life with no resolution in sight. The size of the storm represents how big of an obstacle this is to you, as does the distance. The further away the storm the less importance you place on it. If the storm is violent it means this obstacle is causing quite some grief.
Flower: The flower represents your children or desire to have children.
Utah desert, transparent person, a few close friends, husband/horse, with a moving storm and get this NO KIDS.

I LOST it and only one person in that group knew the real reason why.  This is something I hold close.  It is painful and the last thing I want to do is bring a bad light on someone I love, especially Nick.  Later that summer in another small group time, it was time to share what happened that evening around the campfire.  The reality of not having children means we are here in this place I've wished for my whole life next to wanting kids.  Here in this place being used in ways that neither Nick nor I can even explain.  Here with GOD's voice so clear some days it kind of freaks us out.  Trials come and go sometime we remember to listen to Gods voice, sometimes we forget and try and ignore Him, but he keeps making us grow regardless.

  There were some more amazing revelations still to come.  Reminders that I'm not alone.  Letting people (especially women) close to me is tough... REALLY tough.  I'm a guy at heart, tomboy up a tree in a dress, when emotions and hormones kick in I sit back and wonder what the heck is wrong with me.  Girls still boggle my mind.  Woman’s bible studies, ladies breakfast and anything along those lines, will make me run and hide.  Yet, I'm pushed into uncomfortable situations to grow weather I want to or not many times.

Christmas brought yet another key to that locked door buried deep inside.  Kids and Christmas... seriously  what more could there be?  I've learned to not like Christmas because of the commercialism, the hard work being a florist (especially endless sap and the evil pine cones and needles... blah).  Enter HIS still small voice. “What was your last Christmas present?”  “The gift of kids.” BAM! It was like getting sucker punched!  I thought it was because of all the years of craft shows and Christmas crap. Nope. The last Christmas gift Nick ever gave me was the promise of having kids. We had spent a year preparing and tried for two weeks…and suddenly the dream was taken, or was it.  I do have my kids, maybe not the way most people would think.  For six months I watched a sweet little boy every day and Nick and I became close friends with his amazing parents.  I was able to baby sit a little Chinese girl who was adopted by a family here in the US while her parents also worked.  I have 8 nieces and 6 nephews, most of whom have been able to find a place to share their frustrations with, when there was a need.  There are two great nieces who I am missing very much. living 2000 miles from them.  I'm living in the place that even as a small child I have loved.  I'm married to a man I never dreamed would make me this happy and furious all at the same time.  Lets face it, all relationships have some time that one or both of you cut the other in ways that are super painful.  We have been growing in ways that I never thought possible. I'm excited to see what the next chapters will bring...hopefully it doesn’t mean public speaking or anything!

Motherhood

I want to share with you something I recently read that touched the inner part of me as a mom.  It's how I've felt but didn't know how to express.  As well as something God is growing in me greater and greater.  No matter my ministry in the church, my greatest ministry is to my children.  I haven't always known this and can still battle my value as a mom.  But this fires me up and sets me on the path that God has called me to.

Motherhood by Christianna Maas

My willingness to carry life is the revenge, the antidote, the great rebuttal of every murder, every abortion, and every genocide. I sustain humanity.  Deep inside of me, life grows.  I am death's opposition.

I have pushed back the hand of darkness today.  I have caused there to be a weakening tremor among the ranks of those set on earth's destruction.  Today a vibration that calls angels to attention echoed throughout time.  Our laughter threatened hell today.

I dined with the greats of God's army.  I made their meals, and tied their shoes.  Today, I walked with greatness, and when they were tired I carried them.  I have poured myself out for the cause today.

It is finally quiet, but life stirs inside of me.  Gaining strength, the pulse of life sends a constant reminder to both good and evil that I have yielded myself to Heaven and now carry its dream.  No angel has ever had such a privilege, nor any man.  I am humbled by the honor.  I am great with destiny.

I birth the freedom fighters.  In the great war, I am a leader of the underground resistance.  I smile at the disguise of my troops, surrounded by a host of warriors, destiny swirling, invisible yet tangible. and the anointing to alter history.  Our footsteps marking land for conquest, we move undetected through the common places.

Today I was the barrier between evil and innocence.  I was the gatekeeper, watching over the hope of mankind, and no intruder trespassed.  There is not an hour of day or night when I turn from my post.  The fierceness of my love is unmatched on earth.

And because I smiled instead of frowned the world will know the power of grace.  Hope has feet, and it will run to the corners of earth, because I stood up against destruction.

I am a woman.  I am a mother.  I am the keeper and sustainer of life here on earth.  Heaven stands in honor of my mission.  No one else can carry my call.  I am the daughter of Eve.  Eve has been redeemed.  I am the opposition of death.  I am woman.