Testimony Tuesday - the power of community

My WORST. MOM. MOMENT. EVER. EVER. EVER. EVER.

It had been planned for over a month… Asha was supposed to ride the Polar Express with a somewhat older friend of mine, her daughter, and more specifically with her granddaughter, Nicole, on Tuesday night December 30^th. These two little girls are really good friends…even though they only see each other once a year, as Nicole lives in OK. Due to poor planning, miscommunication with Shawn, and just flat being an irresponsible idiot... WelI…I proceeded to have my WORST. MOM. MOMENT. EVER. EVER. EVER. EVER. The train was pulling away RIGHT IN FRONT OF US as we were caught at a stoplight on Main St. and College Ave. (1 block from the train station)!!!!! Asha and I ran like Cheetahs into the train station…only to be told… “I’m sorry girls…it’s too late to get on the train.” I remember Asha peering up at me with her big, brown eyes and asking, “But Mama…how am I gonna get on the train???” I said nothing. I couldn’t. I was absolutely numb. This was BY FAR my LOWEST. MOM. MOMENT. EVER. EVER. EVER.

The walk back to my friends Jeep (she drove us into town driving like Mario Andretti)…was the LONGEST of my life. No words were said. There I was…walking back to the Jeep, hand in hand, with my sweet, precious, innocent, lil' girl...as the train went the OTHER direction. Asha climbed into the back seat, completely silent. I breathed the BIGGEST breath that I could muster and turned around to face my daughter… It was dark in the Jeep, but the street light caught her sweet, precious face. It was then that I noticed two big tears roll down her saddened face. That sight brought the waterworks for both of us, while my sweet friend sat quietly in the driver’s seat. We both sat and BAWLED our eyes out... I repented to her. Told her it was ALL MY FAULT. My heart ACHED for HERS… I had messed up MONUMENTALLY… She just sat there with her lil' innocent tears streaming down her face.

So...we took her to Durango Joe's to get a “peace offering” hot coco, heavy on the whip and sprinkles. We waited for the train to return (it's only gone an hour). Then we waited for my friend, her daughter, and Nicole to get off the train. We met them in the train store, only for me to get called "The Doghouse Girl" by Nicole’s mom and then I was told by my friend that Nicole was crying for Asha as the train pulled away from the station. DOUBLE DAGGER on top of an already gaping wound… I didn't sleep very well at all that night... I kept waking up with the sight of Asha sitting in the back seat of the car...tears rolling down her sweet face. Siiiiiigh... I was grieving for my daughter, her heart, my heart… I couldn’t carry this. I needed JESUS to carry this burden for me. I got up and began to talk, pray, sob, and tried my best to give HIM my hurt... I heard him say, “Text Jen (Kline) and share what happened. I am going to speak to you, through her…” I did just that. At the end of my mile long text to her…I said to Jen, “Just wanted to share this with you, knowing you would have some encouraging words for me...” I did not tell her that the LORD had directed me too.

The LORD is FAITHFUL when we do what HE says… This was Jen’s text to me:

“I actually have tears as I’m typing this. I can’t imagine how you must feel. I think the reason I am crying is because I know how much you LOVE to bless your kids. And it makes me sad to know how sad you must have been/are. I will pray for Asha and her dealing with the disappointment and I think it is SO HUGE that you prayed with her... Trust that God will instill in her a grace giving loving heart because of you taking it back to Jesus. You are not perfect. There are no parent "fails." Everything we try and do with our kids is something God can use for his glory. He wastes nothing. The Polar Express is fleeting... Jesus is eternal... Asha will always be better because if you walking out your journey in front of her. You show her what the grace and goodness of GOD looks like and you will never go wrong. Ever.”

Jen sent a second text… “On another note, I was actually just thinking about how beautifully you plan things to do with your family, how you think ahead, consider the "fun" things you can do together, little trips, going back to MN to see family. Your children have a FULL and blessed life! And it is largely because of the efforts you make and have made since the day Asha & Caleb were born. Cut yourself a whole lot of slack on the “Grace-o-Meter.... You rock. You are a kick a** mom!!!”

I guess my point in sharing this BAD. MOM. MOMENT. with all of you is this… WE NEED EACH OTHER… WE REALLY DO!!! I could have wallowed in self-pity, guilt, sorrow, disgust…at the pain I caused EVERYONE involved… But, chose instead to bring a girlfriend into my “moment”. GOD used Jen to speak TRUTH into what the enemy wanted me to sit and ruminate on… TRANSPARENCY brings FREEDOM and is LIFE-GIVING ladies!!! It may suck to share your “crap”…but you WILL be a better woman, mom, sister, daughter, friend…because of it!

That’s RIGHT…I am a KICK A** Mom!!!

Lynn Dearey