The Dreaded TeeShirt Drawer

By Tiffany Bleger

So, my dear husband likes tee shirts. A lot. Plain tee shirts, colored tee shirts, tee shirts with business logos, tee shirts with funny pictures, tee shirts with sports teams. I counted them one time. And just shook my head in amazement. 

The tee shirts go in two drawers in the dear husband's dresser. When we first got married, we quickly realized that we had two very distinct tee shirt folding styles. And those two folding styles were, more often than not, completely incompatible with each other. So, I would wash the clothes and fold them. When I would put them away, I would put them in the drawer "my way". Any shirts that were in the drawer folded "his way" would get refolded to "my way" and stacked with the others. 

This method had the potential to work perfectly... if only the husband didn't wear the tee shirts. 

You see, the husband actually likes to wear the tee shirts. So he would rifle through the drawer, looking for "that one", messing up my perfectly aligned stacks. If he refolded any of them, they were folded "his way". Have you realized yet that "his way" equaled wrong in my mind? Other times, the shirts were just shoved back in haphazardly, which was only slightly worse than folding them "his way". So every time I did the laundry, I ended up refolding and reorganizing his tee shirt drawers again. 

This process became so annoying and tedious that I began to dread the laundry. I began to harbor resentment against my husband. I began to believe lies like -

"You know, if he appreciated you, he wouldn't do this."

"He doesn't see how hard you work around here. You're invisible."

"He doesn't respect you. You don't matter." 

It got so bad, I stopped dealing with the drawers all together. I would fold his tee shirts and leave them stacked on top of the dresser. If he put them in the drawer, fine. If he didn't, fine. I wasn't going to deal with it. And I wasn't going to acknowledge the obvious lack of communication that was occurring either. 

Fast forward a few years. I'm browsing Pinterest, wasting time, when I stumbled across an article about folding tee shirts. I clicked on the link, not expecting anything. But what I found started a new process of communication in our marriage. The method taught by the website was different than my method, and different than his. It even had you stack the tee shirts in the drawer differently. The more I looked at it, the more I thought it just might work, if I could convince him to go along with the plan. 

But first I had to talk to the dear husband about it. 

Neither of us like confrontation. We were both raised in families that did not deal with confrontation well, and so we both took the "don't rock the boat" mentality. It was easier to harbor bitterness and resentment than actually face and deal with the hurts we caused each other. 

Guess what I found out when I finally talked to my husband? When I told him how frustrating it was to be continually folding and refolding laundry? How unappreciated and invisible it made me feel? 

I found out my husband wasn't a mind reader. And neither was I. 

He had no clue why the tee shirts had started being left on the top of the drawer. He had no idea  how frustrated and alone I felt. 

We talked about that dreaded tee shirt drawer. We talked about this crazy idea I had to do something completely different. We talked about talking to each other. About really being honest. About sharing our needs, our desires, and our hurts without making assumptions about the other person. 

And we folded the tee shirts. 

Today, when I open the drawer, there's usually a few haphazard shirts. But they don't bother me like they used to. I refold them and stack them, knowing that it excites my husband to be able to see all the tee shirts at once. And I'm at peace knowing that I can take my wounds and fears to my husband in safety. 

You see, it was never about the tee shirts at all. It was all about the communication. 

Learning to Forgive - PART 2

By Megan Danquah

Last month, I began this mini-series (HERE) on forgiveness by sharing some of the truths that I discovered about forgiveness, taken from my personal forgiveness journey. Today, I would like to share the practical steps that you can take to see freedom from wounds small and big alike become a reality in your own life.

1.  First of all, you must know what it is that hurt you. In other words, you must define the pain you are experiencing. Without definition, it is a cancer that is spreading throughout your body, slowly killing your soul and spirit, and eventually your body as well! Keeping a journal is helpful in this process. You can start by writing a detailed account of the event that caused the pain. What happened? Who said what? Where were you, what were you wearing, what were you feeling? How old were you at the time? Afterward, you can use a series of statements to help you further mine out the consequences of the injury you experienced. Help yourself to fill in statements about what you believed before the injury occurred and what it has caused you to believe now.

2. Once you have thoroughly defined the pain you have experienced, you must own it as your own. You must make sure that you are able to separate out the pain that you experienced versus the pain others may have experienced because of the same event. You do not want to be taking on other’s pain in this process. Own only what is yours. After you have done that, it is imperative that you, in essence, be able to look at that pain you have defined, and say to it “I see you, I understand you, and I accept you.” You need to accept that the pain you experienced is yours to own and the fact that it will shape the person you are to become.

3. Next is the part where you put the blame where it belongs. I had tendencies of taking blame upon myself for many wounds I experienced in my life. It was a coping mechanism in which helped me to avoid the anger and grief that I experienced as a result of injurious circumstances. One of the most empowering things that I ever did was fully feel the anger and sadness and despair that were my right to feel after the injury I experienced. It kept the depression at bay because I wasn’t blaming myself. It helped me understand that the clinical definition of depression—anger turned inward—was true! Misplaced anger, or misplaced blame, incapacitates us and disempowers us, causing depression and fog in our lives.

4. Then it was time for me to decide to forgive. And you know what? I could, much easier. It was no longer a “mind-over-matter” situation for me because I had given vent to my feelings of anger, sadness, and despair, for as long as I needed to do so. And I had done that in the correct direction, putting the blame where it belonged, which was outside of myself and on the person it belonged to.

Finally, FREEDOM!  Let’s say it again: F*R*E*E*D*O*M!!!!  

You CAN achieve forgiveness. You CAN see a strength emerge in yourself that you never saw before. You CAN live in freedom and wholeness. You CAN heal! My hope is that this post has taken some of the mystery out of the very intentional process that we call forgiveness and my encouragement is that, no matter were you are in your life, that you take your first steps into that freedom. It really is there, and it really is possible! 

Can you see yourself walking through these steps and finding freedom and wholeness? Do you believe it is possible? If not, what is holding you back?

**On a last note, a huge resource that I used in my process which goes into much more detail than I did here was a book called Forgiving the Unforgivable by Beverly Flanigan. The forgiveness steps I used here were adapted from her book. 

In All Circumstances

By Esther Belin

 Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  ~ 1 Thess. 5:16-18 NIV

During a recent season of practicing this verse, I started reading The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom. This book was the perfect companion to this season because I was drawn to examine my circumstances. Corrie hid Jewish people in her home during World War II and later became a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp. She lived in daily dread and constant pressure, yet she allowed her circumstances to reveal God’s power regardless of the times she had no idea how she was going to do what needed to be done. I have read several secular texts about the Jewish concentration camps that were grueling to read because they tended to focus on the evil of humanity (sin). Oddly, her memoir was a blessing to me because of her perspective to glorify God – which many times was prompted by her sister, Betsie. Rather than focusing on each set back, each moment of injustice, the sisters focused on God’s power for daily existence – truly living out 1 Thess. 5:16-18 – by being joyful always, praying continually and giving thanks in all circumstances.

This command is simple yet requires a consistent posture, an intentional effort to make fine-tune adjustments in order to hear from God so that you may do His will. I have the luxury of so many choices, so many ways to worship God/not worship God, to be focused/to be distracted. While I enjoy my freedom to choose, I also allow that freedom to become an agent for the enemy. I am ashamed to reveal how I reposition God to fit my choices. The result is an entanglement of exhaustive busyness – a “chasing after the wind” (Ecc. 1:14). The choice to follow Him requires a keen awareness to the tension needed for stretching my spiritual muscles. When I am “chasing after the wind” – my choice is to forego stretching and sag toward complacency, waywardness.

I am in wonderment of the delicate nature of being in God’s will. At one point in the book, Corrie and Betsie prayed a simple prayer giving thanks for their latest living quarters that included a swarm of fleas! At the time, Corrie’s heart was troubled to give thanks for a flea infestation, but she obeyed God’s command. Later, Corrie revealed how that horrible flea infestation created hours of opportunity to freely witness to others since their work station was so badly infested that even the guards dare not enter. While she and Betsie enjoyed a work detail free from the harsh watch of guards, they also were constantly flea-bitten! During this time of constant spiritual stretching, they were continually praying, giving thanks in all circumstances. The practice of continually exercising their spiritual muscles tapped them into Christ’s power to endure the emotional and physical torture.  

As Christ followers, I know we are not promised a life of ease; we are however able to stand on Christ’s promises – of new life, of provision, of perfect timing. I have been in the cycle of the whirl – chasing the wind – seeking a formula rather than seeking the One who can rescue me from this cycle. 

Corrie’s story is fantastical not because of the suffering but because of God’s presence in the midst of her suffering. Staying in the presence of God is doable yet when His presence involves long-suffering, meekness and temperance, I tend to seek more desirable fruits of the Spirit. I want the love, joy, peace. I want to pick my own basket of fruit! O, how I stumble – O, how I seek shelter under God’s veil of mercy. I tell God that I am His servant yet I balk and tug at the first sign of arduous tasks; I resist eating fruits of patience and self-control. I resist God’s sovereignty as the master gardener – the One who prunes, the One who holds the blueprints of my purpose.  

“He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit  he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful” (John 15:2).  

When doing a word study on this verse, I meditated on the difference between cutting off branches and pruning branches. The cutting off is generally done to branches that are withered and already dead perhaps never reaching their full potential. They are cut off from the vine to allow the remaining branches to bear fruit. Pruning is done to healthy fruit-bearing branches in order to continue the process of bearing more fruit. Both scenarios are part of the master gardener’s plan and both scenarios are painful.

Dear Readers, now when fruits of long-suffering, meekness and temperance are served to me, I fondly think of Corrie and Betsie – sweet sisters in Christ who I am looking forward to meeting one day in heaven – and quiet my soul to be joyful always, pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances.

What do you focus on during the process of pruning and cutting? Are you tempted to "pick your own fruit"?

Learning to Forgive - Part 1

By Megan Danquah

Ever wonder about WHAT it means to forgive and HOW to actually forgive? In a two-part post “series” I would like to take some time here to “de-mystify” the process. 

In my experience, forgiveness always felt elusive. I knew that it was the right thing to do, but I never understood how. In one sense, I understood it was a matter of my will—a matter of forcing my emotions and pain to bow to my will to say that it is ok, what happened didn’t matter, that if I just put on the love of Christ, all will be well and I will be able to forget about what grievance I experienced at the hand of another person. In another sense, I understood it to be some sort of miraculous exchange of my hurt for the love of Christ for whomever it was who had wounded me. Both understandings left me spending copious amounts of time “praying” - which was really just time spent trying to achieve mind over matter, repeating a mantra in my mind similar to “These feelings of pain can’t rule me anymore, these feelings of pain can’t rule me anymore”.  

The other thing I believed about forgiveness was that the faster it was achieved, the better. I believed that the more quickly I was able to achieve this “mind-over-matter” state, the happier the Lord would be with me. I believed that God wanted me to get rid of my unforgiveness as quickly as possible. Because of this I feel like I spent much of my life attempting to stuff all these wounds - from childhood into adulthood - because, for me, mind-over-matter was unfortunately unachievable. No matter how hard I white-knuckled it, nothing was changing. The pain was still there. All I was accomplishing was becoming a master at living in a perpetual state of denial.

Then something happened to me. I will not go into detail, but it is enough to know that I was deeply betrayed by someone extremely close to me. Betrayed in a way that my whole world and all I knew, along with all the devices I had used to cope with the pain in my life, were destroyed, and not by my own choosing. Here are a few things that I lost as a result: friends, my home, my job. Not to mention some of the emotional things I had lost: trust, a sense of belonging, a sense of justice, a sense of pure love, and all sense of the false security that I had carefully used to protect my heart my whole life. 

So here I was. Faced with forgiveness on a whole different level. A level one-hundred times deeper than any I had faced before. Praise God that He knows us intimately, and He knows exactly what, and WHO we need in our life to help us through when crisis occurs. He did that for me, and here’re a few things I have come to understand about forgiveness:

1. Forgiveness is a process, not a one-off spiritual transaction. We don't need to make it a race to the finish line. I believe it is important to start the process, but not to rush through it. There are so many things to learn about myself and God and others through the process of forgiveness. I do not want to lose that opportunity because of my wrong thinking that God wants this over with as soon as possible, or because I want this over with as soon as possible. It’s hard to sit in our pain, isn’t it? But it is through that very act that healing comes. 

2. Forgiveness is a lot more practical than I ever thought. There are actual steps that I can take, with actual exercises and practices that I can adopt, that will walk me through to a place where I am ready to move forward in my life. (More about that in Part 2). 

3. Forgiveness really has nothing to do with saying the words “I forgive you.” I used that for years in order to feel like I had really done it. Somehow those three words were supposed to equal spiritual and emotional proof that the elusive and miraculous “transaction” of forgiveness had taken place. Forgiveness is a very individual, inner and private process. Only you can know what it is like to live with the pain you have and know the hard work you have achieved to reach a place where you have forgiven.

 

4. Forgiveness requires work. Hard work. BUT it is some of the most valuable work I have ever done for myself. The old saying is true: Forgiveness is about letting someone out of prison, only to discover that the someone was you. The brilliant thing is that it really is for me! It is one of the best things I have undertaken to show love and compassion to myself.  I saw a strength in me that I never knew that I had!!!  

Next month, I will share further some specific steps that you can take to walk through the forgiveness process.

What have you believed to be true about forgiveness and did it hinder the forgiveness process for you?

Testimony Tuesday - Prayer Changed My Marriage

We had already been married for a year and a half when I finally came to terms with the fact that my husband was an alcoholic. In the beginning he hid it well. When I finally realized why he had such extreme mood swings and could never explain where cash went it was devastating. Later I found out he was drinking at least two pints a day and constantly, literally non-stop, lying to me. Even with in-your-face evidence he would blatantly deny with anger, pity or silence.  To say I had no hope was an extreme understatement.

In the early parts divorce was my favorite word. I came to the conclusion that me controlling him was the only way to fix this. Basically I was under the illusion that I could even control my husband. Big, big, BIG laugh.  

Looking back it literally makes me nauseous at how dark and depressing it was living with this person I didn’t know and in my mind didn’t agree to marry. Anyone that personally knows an alcoholic will understand, they are literally in every way a 100% completely different person. 

God has a way of waiting until you are ready to let go and give it up to him so that he can work and heal. In January of 2014 I got to the point of desperation.  Psalms 107 was my very close and personal friend - “Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress.”  

I was ready to let go of my delusional control and allow God to work in our marriage. I now refused to say the d-word… divorce. Only God knows our heart (1 Kings 8:39) and I wasn’t about to give the enemy that power. 

This was just about the time of the church fast and I “happened” to come across Mark 9:14-29 about the boy with the unclean spirit that could only be cast out by prayer and fasting. I knew my husband had evil spirits around him that did not want to let go. It was pretty scary at first until I realized the power of the Holy Spirit and the authority I have being a daughter of the most high, but that’s a whole different story. Needless to say, I wholeheartedly participated in the fast. 

That month was simultaneously the loneliest and most amazingly comforting month of my life. My husband was gone. I told him that I had tried my best to help but that his actions were detrimental to our family and I wouldn’t allow him to scar our children and myself that way. He left.  

At first I was freaking out, how can I take care of this house and these kids with no income, no time, no help? But immediately I felt at peace about my decision. This was a huge comfort from the Holy Spirit because to me in the beginning, and to most people, it seemed as if I was tearing my life apart and hurting my husband. This is where the endurance and perseverance came in. Almost everybody in my life disagreed with me. They thought I was hurting him, they thought I should feel guilty and ashamed of what I was doing. They thought that love means never saying no. As I explained my decision to one of his close family members about me always saving him from the consequences of his drinking and that he would never fully see the consequences of what he was doing until I let him, they curtly replied “But he doesn’t learn from his consequences”.  

A book that I thoroughly enjoyed during this time was called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. It talks A LOT about addiction and destructive relationships and that the best relationships have good boundaries. Boundaries where you can say no, and yes and respect yourself and others enough to say when enough is enough- I won’t allow you to hurt me anymore. 

He was gone for a month - a month of not knowing where I would find money for the mortgage, the bills, food and also not knowing what he was doing (besides random phone calls late at night). I dove into the arms of God. I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE, I was desperate. I needed this to change. I knew God had plans to sustain and build up our marriage and I fought for it daily. I fasted, I prayed, I read my bible, I cried out. I was so angry and God took it all. He was my rock so much so that I once told my husband “I desperately want your love I truly do, but I don’t need it, I need my God and his love to sustain me.”

The very day the church fast ended he returned to Durango, sober. He’s been sober for 14 months (a year longer than he’s ever been sober in 10 years)!!!   

There are two very big lessons learned and the first is this: You can’t control anyone but yourself, and even in that you need to solely rely on God. I’m an action person - if I see a need I do something, and praying never seemed like I was doing something about it-SO WRONG. If you want to help someone the very first thing should be prayer, there is no stronger power we have as children of the Most High.   

The second lesson was very harsh for me and that is that just because his sin was more apparent than mine doesn’t mean I don’t have sin. God knew that I needed time too, to dig and scrape inside myself and recognize that I was not part of the solution. It was never my fault that he was an alcoholic but I sure as heck wasn’t helping.

Testimony Tuesday - Breaking Strongholds

In mid-February, we went to visit my uncle in Window Rock, AZ and we can home with 2 puppies.  They were lying on the side of the road and we noticed them when we first pulled up to my uncle’s house.  A couple days later, they were still there.  We had seen puppies like these numerous times before when we visit him, and we knew there was a likely chance these pups would join a dog pack or be hit by a car.  When we stopped to get a better view of them, one of them immediately ran up to us.  The other one soon followed.  They were dirty, skinny, and very sweet.  They slept most of the way to their new home.
 

We named them Mae and Dusty, and they were home for only 3 days before Dusty got sick.  We quickly figured out, she had parvo.  Every vet we talked with made note that parvo can be fatal and the pup would need intensive care for at least 48 hours. The cost would be high and the outcome uncertain. I was so conflicted.  I thought we were doing the right thing rescuing these puppies.  I thought they were a blessing from God.  And now I was being faced with a tough decision.  My impulse was to euthanize them – that while we tried to do a good thing, it was no big deal to put them down since we could easily find more pups on our next trip to the rez.  

On that day in late February, our loving Father God was speaking to me to release the stronghold of detachment, something that has been my philosophy from childhood.  He brought to mind how much he loves me and how much he wants me to care about these rescued puppies because He still recuses and He still heals.  By God’s strength, I reached out and asked for help – and God provided.  The pups were nursed back to health and as they grow and become part of our family.

I continue to see how I need to change (not as a punishment) but because I am prohibiting God’s blessing by maintaining and being overburdened by this stronghold of detachment.   God is teaching me to invest in relationships – with my children especially.  

My four daughters are older and over the last few years I’ve felt like I needed to take a break from nurturing.  I realize now that the reason I was so tired was because all my energy was going into maintaining the stronghold of detachment.  I thought I needed a break from parenting and I just really needed to break free from my stronghold.  What a revelation! 

However, this re-building of relationship is tough work especially with teenage and college-age children.  I am praying constantly for God to soften our hearts so we can receive the blessings from a mother-daughter relationship.  It has been awkward at times but God is good and He is true to His word – if we abide in Him, He will abide in us.  

In stressed situations, my first impulse is still to detach, but God is patient with me.  Nowadays, I am much more attune to the gentle voice of the Holy Spirit.  I am much more apt to receive instruction like one being taught rather than one being punished.  I have learned to see how I believed the enemy’s lies, how I had unbelief.  I know God as a true friend, trustworthy Father and Prince of Peace.  

Isaiah 26:3

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.

Esther Belin

20/20 Is Possible...With Christ

Do you wear glasses or contacts?  Do you remember what it was like when you first got them? 

I was thinking about this the other day and the spiritual analogy just blew me away.  I got glasses when I was 17.  I was a senior in high school and I remember sitting in the back row of my chemistry class and telling the guy in front of me that the chemistry teacher had horrible handwriting.  How did he expect me to read his scribbles on the blackboard?!  The guy turned around and told me I needed glasses.

Huh?  I needed glasses?  Surely not!  I could see just fine thankyouverymuch.  It was the teacher's handwriting that needed work.  And the Department of Transportation was insane if they thought drivers should be able to read those teeny little street signs!  I mean seriously!  I can't tell you how many times I would drive right by a street I was looking for because I couldn't read the sign until I got up right next to it.  Everyone else was crazy because I could see just fine!

And then I got glasses.

I remember walking out of the store after getting my new frames and lenses.  I was in shock!  You mean we're supposed to be able to see individual leaves on trees and individual blades of grass?!  You're kidding me!  I was astounded at how much I couldn't actually see because I didn't have the correct prescription. So it was actually me the whole time and not everyone else?

Now translate that to our spiritual life.  How often do we "see" a situation and think 'what is wrong with that person? can't they see that what they did/said was mean/irresponsible/unbelievable?' How often do we blame others for things we see/feel just like I blamed my high school chemistry teacher and all of the Department of Transportation?

We each perceive the world differently based on our "prescription" yet we don't go to the only One Who sees the world in perfect 20/20 to help us see correctly. We all think we're 20/20.  We think that we're the only one in the world that has a correct view of things.  Everyone else is blind.  How much heartache, loneliness, hurt and anger are a result of our lenses being different than that of someone else?

Last year I went away on a retreat and spent 5 whole days with God, with my "eye doctor".  He did a spiritual exam and showed me that my prescription wasn't 20/20 but more like 20/400!  Haha!  Wasn't I surprised?!  You mean I'm supposed to be able to see others how Christ does?  You mean I was viewing the world through my own hurt and wounds?  I realized how distorted my view had become simply because I hadn't received the correct prescription.

I'm not claiming my vision is 20/20.  I need constant check ups!  Jesus is the only One Who can realign my vision, show my where I need more tweaking and remind me to see through other's lenses so I can have a better idea of how they perceive the world. 

Have you had your check-up yet?

Testimony Tuesday - Relationships

This is a beautiful testimony from a woman who was willing to just allow the Holy Spirit minister to her in her relationship with her husband.  I'm so grateful that she was willing to share this with us all, as I believe each of us struggle very similarly, if not with our husband, then with many other different relationships.  Grace is a beautiful thing! 

***

My journal entry on Monday, April 7
"Lord, I feel better about my husband today.  I still would like to see him put positive, healthy effort into our current situation.  Speak to me now Lord and tell me what You want me to do."

His response:
"My assignment for you hasn't changed.  I continue to ask you to treat your husband with love, respect & kindness in spite of how he treats you or speaks to you.  Forgive him continually!  Every tone, word, expression, disrespectful behavior & interaction.  Overlook his flaws/faults in forgiveness, don't ignore them in frustration.  By overlooking them, you are extending grace to him and I want you to do that more and more.

Jill's talk on Saturday was for you.  Grace is a wonderful, powerful thing and I want you to walk in grace, live in grace, be present in grace more and more.  My assignments to you can be summed up in one word - GRACE!  I know every detail of your marriage and every desire of your heart for your husband and marriage.  I know all of it!  I am working overtime in all of it.

I want you to practice grace.  I want it to become part of your daily life.  I want you to learn to walk in grace in every area of your life.  I know your struggles & I know that walking in grace is a big thing.  Remember that I am always with you to help you.  Look to My Holy Spirit for daily, hourly help, strength, courage.  We are all for you and We will never let you down.

Now is the time for you to live and walk in grace.  I know you've been struggling for years with relationships and inner struggles.  Walking in grace will help with all those lifelong struggles.  Trust Me.  Remember often Dt. 31:8 'The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you.  He will never leave you or forsake you.  Do not be discouraged.  Do not be afraid.'  Remind yourself of this as often as you need to.

I love you more than you can comprehend.  I have so many wonderful plans for you.  But first you must deal with this issue of grace.  Trust Me in all of this.  I will not disappoint you.  I will lift you up and encourage you.  I will bring about your desire to be transformed.  I love that you are seeking Me in 2014.  Keep drawing near to Me and I will bless you in ways you never imagined.  I love you - you are My precious daughter!"

**************************************************************************************
After receiving this from the Lord, I was crying and confessed/repented to the Lord for some of my recent behavior and attitudes.  I then felt that God was leading me to ask for my husband's forgiveness, which I did.  And, needless to say, after seeking his forgiveness, I was filled with peace.