Testimony Tuesday

 ---I would like to set aside Tuesdays as the day we testify to God's work in our lives.  I say we because I have asked women at the River Church to share what God is doing in their lives and families.  These are their stories!  "They defeated him [the accuser] through the blood of the Lamb and the bold word of their witness." Revelations 12:11 (MSG)---

At the retreat I had a hard time figuring out what my testimony is since I am currently struggling in a few situations.  I have been a Christian since I was about 10 years old and since then I have strayed – most significantly in my college years.  Coming from a background where few people I knew went to college and/or even graduated, I fell into the lie that my value lies in my academic success and educational accomplishments.  During these years, I relied on myself and others to create my purpose in life.  When I graduated, I was far away from my childhood dream of becoming a doctor.  I quickly put that idea aside when the classes started getting challenging.  I was not into the rigor of science classes, and focused on a discipline that fed more of my self-interests and my idol of academic value which also strengthened my feelings of inadequacy. 

It was during this time that I met my husband.  We became pregnant before marriage, yet when we married, I decided I needed to turn back to God since I was now responsible for my child.  My husband was not a Christian when we married and marriage and fatherhood didn’t seem to affect him and he continued with the sinful life we had together before we married.  Eventually, this lifestyle became his idol and he is a slave to alcohol – now for about 20 years.  We are still married and have four children. 

Needless to say, God spoke so heavily to me during the last session of the retreat on the topic of Praise.  Logically, I know that God has carried me all these years in my imperfect marriage.  We have always been cared for with God’s provision – housing, food, vehicles, employment, etc.  – so I have always thanked God for his provisions.  However, I still have a hard time understanding his love.  Understanding Leah as wife and mother has been incredibly insightful as to my walk with God.  All these years, I have been so alone in trying to understand what I am to do in my marriage; I know I am to submit and honor my husband but he has been negligent of his responsibilities as a husband/father.  He is a Christian now but he is still enslaved. 
I used to think that my marriage was the worst decision I ever made.  Yet, I specifically remember praying for a husband during that incredibly sinful time of my life.  I know now that God brought my husband to me, he blessed me with four amazing children.  Just like Leah, I did not understand my marriage.  I struggled with being unloved and did not truly understand God’s fierce love for me until the last couple of years.  Now I spend my energy into freeing myself by strengthening my walk with God.  I know that I not responsible for my husband.  I have found peace and joy in God because I have accepted that I cannot change my husband, only pray and wait on the Lord.  I have started to walk into all situations as a test – knowing that even though they may be incredibly painful and difficult, God will never leave me so I need to rely on him to lead me through, and to remember to praise him always It is definitely not easy but I am so glad God is patient with me. 

The world tells me so many messages about my situation – for a long time I thought divorce was the answer, but God has placed a dream in my heart that includes my husband – not only as true partner for me, but a true man of God – which is far from present reality that I have often question it.  But this dream is consistent - for many years now I have had it so I am getting stronger in God to be prepared for this miracle to happen.  Because I know when my husband returns, I need to be ready, and I am not right now.  My heart is not right.  I have held and nurtured so strongly a worldly view of what a liberated woman should be, needs to be in order to be considered worthy or valued.  This is so hard to break free from because I have at least 20 years of this pride in myself – an American sense of rugged individualism - that severing the roots are amazing painful and emotionally draining.

I think I believed my testimony was not worth telling because I am still walking it. I was ashamed and wore a veil of shame for so long.  Now I know that God’s favor is my shield.  I seek refuge in his holy mountain, where there is no suffering and pain.