Testimony Tuesday -- My Father God

-- This is from my dear friend, Jinny Williamson --

Growing up I was raised in a Christian/ pastors home. From a young age my understanding of God and my relationship with Him was truly based on my dad's relationship with God. I thought that in order to have a relationship with Christ I needed to have this to do list and only when I checked off that box did I truly have a relationship with Him. I was a complete daddies girl so not only did I long for an intimate relationship with Christ, I also wanted my dad's approval. So for 18 years of my life my "relationship" with Christ was wrapped up in a to-do list and the approval of my earthy father.

Then on April 6th, 2004 at 2:00 am my dad died out of the blue of a massive heart attack.  It was a month and a half before my high school graduation and my world came crashing down.  I was mad at God for "taking" my dad away and since my view on what a "relationship" with Christ looked like was so distorted my foundation was beginning to shake. I still desperately longed for a relationship with Christ but I didn't know how to have one with Him.  I wanted a more intimate relationship with Him but still at a distance. I was hurt, mad, angry, puzzled, and afraid of God.  I still was stuck in my routine of checking my quite time off of my to do list that the thought of an intimate relationship was unfathomable  to me.

Soon after, my mom became an alcoholic and I quickly got thrown into the role of parent.  Getting calls in the middle of the night from bars or police to come take care of my mom.  A mom who was, and is, very hurt and broken.  Never being around alcohol, much less an alcoholic, I had no clue how to handle the situation.  Now I was not only mad at God for "taking" my dad but I was also mad that He left me with a mom that I had to deal with.  I still longed for that intimate relationship and still it seemed unfathomable.  Although I longed for that relationship with Him I was really pissed off at Him.  I didn't understand how a Father who loved me so much would turn my world upside down and in my mind not for the better. 

For eight years I continued to seek an intimate relationship with Christ but never seemed to have that deep relationship.  People would try to encourage me by say now you need to allow God to be your "daddy."  However in my mind I didn't want God to be my daddy, I wanted my daddy back.  I wanted to hear his voice, smell his cologne, and hug his neck.  I also didn't want God to replace my dad.

Then in 2012 Nathaniel James was born and again my life was turned upside down this time for the better.  Through my relationship with my son and the deep love and affection I had for him God began to show me how much He loved me.  He would whisper sweet things to me in the middle of the night as I would love on that sweet boy.  He told me that He loved me even more then I loved Nathaniel and of course I couldn't imagine how that would be possible however I knew in my heart that He truly did.  I began to talk to Him and tell Him how I have felt for the last 8 years.  I told Him I was pissed at Him and that I couldn't understand why I had to go through this.  Our times together where so precious and sweet,just me and my Jesus. 

So today as I write this my dad is still gone, my mom is still struggling with alcoholism.  But I have that intimate relationship with my Jesus.  No some of my circumstance may never change but I have a heavenly "daddy" who loves me and is here to walk with me through this life.  And although the past almost 10 years have been extremely hard I can say today that I wouldn't change it for anything just to have this intimate relationship.

Proverbs 31:25
She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

This is a verse that I have clung to since 2007.