Ten years ago, during a very dark night in my life, Psalm 23
came to me in a breathtaking shaft of light. The truth is that “common”
scripture I memorized as a child, and heard over and over, literally saved my
life in those moments of terror. It gifted me with a strange peace I was extremely
thankful for. A few weeks back, a circumstance presented itself – just one
more, in a long line of challenges since the death of my dad 15 months past. I
had a bout with appendicitis. Although the intensity of the experience was not
nearly as dramatic as my “dark night”, or the death of my dad…. it was tough.
And on one particular night while still in the hospital, I
hit a point of deep discouragement. And the Lord brought me back to Psalm 23 in an intriguing
form of encouragement. He invited me to say it to Him, in my own words, as a
prayer of thanksgiving; as if my life was already complete. This is what I prayed:
“You Lord, were always my Shepherd. Throughout my life You
caused me to lie down, repeatedly in soft, green pastures. You led me beside peaceful,
still waters. And You lovingly and gently stored, and re-stored my soul.
Papa, all of my life You led me in Your sweet paths of righteousness,
for the sake of Your holy and beautiful name. Even though I have walked through the valley of the
shadow of death, I have feared absolutely nothing, because You are still with
me.
Your rod and Your staff, although hard, comforted me many
times. As I knew that those whom You love You discipline.
More than once You laid out a feasting table for me to sit
at in the very presence of the enemy of my soul. Over and over, You abundantly anointed my head with oil; my
cup overflowed.
Surely goodness and mercy did more than follow me all the
days of my earthly life. I not only lived on this earth in Your presence. But am
now living in it with You, forever.”
The comfort I was absorbed in as I chose each word was profound.
To thankfully pray my version of Psalm 23 to Him as if I had actually entered eternity
gifted me with another breathtaking shaft of light. He shed peace on my
past, recent past and future. And He filled me once again, with a quiet calm regarding
my present situation.
you have two choices: Regret or Redemption" ~ The Hospital Mom
On January 27, 1999 the unthinkable became our reality. Our pink and precious daughter of 6 months suffered a massive mid-cerebral arterial stroke. The main artery between her spine and her brain had become blocked from a blood clot at the juncture where it splits into the left and right hemispheres. Worldwide, 1 in 25,000 live births will suffer a stroke each year.
The years that have followed have been tumultuous. Doctors, therapies, drug studies, seizures, and surgeries. There are times where I felt I have earned doctoral degrees in Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, Pharmacology, Neurology, Developmental Pediatrics and Child Psychology from the Mother's Medical Institute.
At any moment I can walk into an emergency room and speak in medical terms with any nurse, doctor or specialist. Pity the poor nurse who argued with me that my child could not possibly have suffered a stroke. "Children do not have strokes," she said with condescending authority.
Ashley was having seizures and I walked into the emergency room in Tulsa, Oklahoma telling the medical team what she needed. I had been on the phone with her neurologist and we agreed I could transport her to the hospital quicker than an ambulance could find me - plus I was already in the car and on my way - and he would meet me there.
My dad met us at the hospital and while he entertained my 25 month old daughter, I politely asked the nurse to step outside the room. "Never tell a parent in front of a child that they are making up a diagnosis, especially one this horrid," I said with the indignation of a mom who was living the unimaginable. The nurse continued to argue with me as the doctor approached and I told her to go pull up the MRI and CT scans from the past 2 years. "I will," she assured me and stomped off, hands on her hips. And she did. The neurologist arrived, treatment began and later, he brought a very apologetic nurse into the room and assured her that infants do indeed have strokes.
That night I realized that parents must be advocates for their children. As the years passed, I learned most parents are so intimated by the medical process, hospital personnel and are simply overwhelmed by their situation that they are afraid to speak up. They will accept whatever is told them and not ask questions, advocate for help or seek solutions for their children.
I have worked with families in numerous settings - adult education centers, as a parent advocate in schools, at church and as a chaplain. The redemption of Ashley's story is in sharing the wisdom, education and experiences we have gained in this struggle. Parents of chronically medically challenged children are more likely to divorce, have extra-marital affairs and battle addictions. As their world centers around their children, hospitals and the medical world, they withdraw into themselves and face depression while living in a constant state of regret - the "would of, could of, should of" state of mind.
Our purpose is simple:
To provide Hope and Humor to Families of Chronically Medically Challenged Children.
Answering Emails of Hurting Families at Kim@hospitalmom.net
H.O.P.E. Delivery Bags for Caregivers at Hospitals
Currently, I am writing a book to bring Hope to Families. The following is an excerpt from "Beautifully Complicated," the story of redeeming the hurt in our lives in order "to Know HIM and Make HIM Known."
from BEAUTIFULLY COMPLICATED
“This is my Father’s World
and to my listening ears
All nature sings and ‘round me rings
The beauty of the sphere.”
Eighteen years ago I first sang this song to my infant baby girl. Born early - eager to change our world. Born tiny - proving size does not matter. Born the baby sister - her brother in love with her before she was before. Born a surprise - her daddy named her the moment he saw the positive pregnancy test.
“This is my Father’s World
I rest me in the thought
Of rocks and trees; of skies and seas
His hand the wonders wrought.”
Fifteen times I have laid her on an operating table and sang those words in her ear as she drifted to sleep. Sometimes easily. Sometimes fearfully, gripping my hand. Sometimes I have had tears in own voice and many times, I have sang to a room full of surgeons and technicians who came to the operating theater because they had heard of this family who sang before surgery and wanted to experience the peace that is in the room.
Three times I have sang this hymn in the surgery waiting room because that facility did not allow me to accompany her into the operating room.
Eighteen surgeries.
Thousands of miles driven in rain, snow, sunshine and shadow.
Months our family has lived apart - separated by 8 hours and the Rocky Mountains.
Dozens of professionals. Hundreds of medications. Thousands of phone calls to doctors. Ten Thousands of hours in research by specialists and parents.
Millions of prayers raised by family, friends and even strangers.
This indeed is My Father's World. The Unthinkable will happen because this world is in a fallen state where the sin of mankind has brought heartache. Yet God redeems the pain of our fallen state to help each other. When we help each other that pain becomes bearable, even manageable as we allow Him to reveal His glory as we live other lives for others.
“This is my Father's world.
O let me ne'er forget
that though the wrong seems oft so strong,
God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father's world:
why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let the earth be glad!”
Are you living the Unthinkable?
Where you never dreamed you would be?
Are you living in Regret - depressed, lonely, self-pity - or in Redemption?
As you listen to the song below, go to God in Prayer and
Have you ever found yourself resenting a person or situation that you were in? In stopping to ponder this in my own life, there was a profound reminder that presented itself.
”Did you pick up a burden that wasn’t yours to carry?”
Recently I’ve had this conversation with our Father about two different situations. One that He called me to help with and the other where I helped in the wrong area of need - picking up something that wasn’t mine to “carry” or “fix”.
The first situation was full of prayer, with a dream of preparing the way so that my heart would be open to what God had planned. During this time each week I was called to pray, and each week there was a simple word given to speak over those in charge - Peace, Wisdom and to Bless them. This time wasn’t easy, but leaning on Jesus for support made each day freeing.
The second situation, the burden I was not asked to carry, caused bitterness, anger and resentment. It took me to a place that I’m not proud of. Causing me to lash out instead of taking time to pray and see what the Father was asking me to do. Once prayer and worship was able to enter my heart again, I was reminded of a word spoken at our church recently. Forgive me as I’m paraphrasing what was said since at the time it didn’t resonate.
“If you are tired of fighting a battle, stop and ask if this was a battle God asked you to fight or if you picked up a sword in a battle that isn’t yours to fight.”
As I sit here this morning, finally able to write, I'm looking back over the second battle after dropping the burden. It's freeing, but honestly it is still hard. I'm realizing that using someone else's sword will cause wounds in others as well as yourself.
Now it is time to ask for forgiveness. To sit at Christ’s feet in worship, pray and study. To hear what his path for my life is and follow it. To remember in ALL situations to seek His guidance for our lives, even in the small details.
My husband and I are on staff with a non-profit ministry, which means
we’re responsible for raising our own financial support team. We also can’t
report to our ministry assignment until we’re fully funded.
No big deal—I thought we
would crush it in six months or less and get back to our lives.
Well, here we are over a year and a half later and we still haven’t “crushed
it”.
Sometimes it feels like it’s crushed us.
As newlyweds, we’ve had to sacrifice having our own place and having the
freedom in that to learn how to be a married couple. Continually traveling for
our job, we found ourselves always being a guest in someone else’s home—for
days, weeks, months at a time—sleeping wherever people would let us, from an
air mattress or a couch in someone’s living room to a whole guest suite in
someone’s basement. In either case, it’s hard to explore the ins and outs of
marriage and intentionally pour into it when we’re trying to be respectful of someone else’s space. Our marriage
struggled because of it.
Add that to financial problems, and believe me we’ve had many. Where were we
supposed to find the privacy and space to talk through and figure out how to
manage our finances as a married couple? There were many times our bills
(forget about normal expenses like groceries and gas) far exceeded our income.
[Spoiler alert: God provided!] It was stressful to say the least. I could be
working a “normal” job and maybe not be in this situation.
We also found that some of the community around us who we hoped would encourage
us were actually the ones who discouraged us the most. Instead of pushing us
forward towards our goal, they suggested that full-time ministry was pre-mature
for us. Ouch!
But still we press forward. Why? Because this is what God has called us
to. These struggles won’t last forever. They’re temporary, but necessary steps
as we’re obedient to the Lord. It’s so helpful to have that perspective—it’s a
game changer.
Sometimes, it is only our confidence in this calling that keeps us pressing
forward. If we weren’t confident, several people would have talked us out of it
by now. But God is good and He’s brought people into our lives who have
encouraged us and poured life into us when we needed it most.
The value of friends that stick with us and lift us up in times of need far exceeds
any earthly treasure. They’ve rejoiced with us in our blessings, and they’ve
cried out for us in our hurts. They encourage us daily and remind us of God’s
amazing plan and provision. How could we not press on with such an amazing
community cheering us on?
Resting in who God is and His character also helps in times of struggle and
enduring.
There’s this amazing story in Ezra about the Israelites rebuilding the temple
for the Lord. This is no small thing. It’s extravagant with gold and silver and
lots of detail. Where did they get all these resources to build it? In Ezra 6
the King of Persia issued a decree that the costs were to be paid by the royal treasury! Let the temple be rebuilt as a place to
present sacrifices, and let is foundations be laid…The costs are to be paid by
the royal treasury. Also, the gold and silver articles of the house of God,
which Nebuchadnezzar took from the temple in Jerusalem and brought to Babylon,
are to be returned to their places in the temple in Jerusalem; they are to be
deposited in the house of God. Ezra 6:3-5
Hebrews 13:8 says, “Jesus Christ
is the same yesterday and today and forever.” That means the same God who
provided for the Israelites to rebuild His temple is the same God who not only
provides our financial support, but for all my needs. And He has! And He is
still providing! That’s amazing! That’s worth enduring for.
Even though we’re not finished yet, encouraging community, God’s
unchanging character, and His Word has kept us going and continues to do so.
We had already been married for a year and a half when I
finally came to terms with the fact that my husband was an alcoholic.In the beginning he hid it well. When I finally realized why he had such extreme mood swings and could never
explain where cash went it was devastating.Later I found out he was drinking at
least two pints a day and constantly, literally non-stop, lying to me.Even with in-your-face evidence he
would blatantly deny with anger, pity or silence.To say I had no hope was an extreme understatement.
In
the early parts divorce was my favorite word.I came to the conclusion that me controlling him was the
only way to fix this. Basically I was under the illusion that I could even
control my husband.Big, big, BIG
laugh.
Looking back it literally
makes me nauseous at how dark and depressing it was living with this person I
didn’t know and in my mind didn’t agree to marry. Anyone that personally knows an alcoholic will understand,
they are literally in every way a 100% completely different person.
God
has a way of waiting until you are ready to let go and give it up to him so
that he can work and heal.In
January of 2014 I got to the point of desperation.Psalms 107 was my very close and personal friend - “Then they
cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their
distress.”
I was ready to let go
of my delusional control and allow God to work in our marriage.I now refused to say the d-word…
divorce.Only God knows our heart
(1 Kings 8:39) and I wasn’t about to give the enemy that power.
This was just about the time of the
church fast and I “happened” to come across Mark 9:14-29 about the boy with the
unclean spirit that could only be cast out by prayer and fasting.I knew my husband had evil spirits
around him that did not want to let go.It was pretty scary at first until I realized the power of the Holy Spirit
and the authority I have being a daughter of the most high, but that’s a whole
different story. Needless to say, I wholeheartedly participated in the
fast.
That
month was simultaneously the loneliest and most amazingly comforting month of
my life. My husband was gone. I
told him that I had tried my best to help but that his actions were detrimental
to our family and I wouldn’t allow him to scar our children and myself that
way.He left.
At first I was freaking out, how can I
take care of this house and these kids with no income, no time, no help? But
immediately I felt at peace about my decision.This was a huge comfort from the Holy Spirit because to me
in the beginning, and to most people, it seemed as if I was tearing my life apart
and hurting my husband.This is
where the endurance and perseverance came in.Almost everybody in my life disagreed with me.They thought I was hurting him, they
thought I should feel guilty and ashamed of what I was doing.They thought that love means never
saying no.As I explained my
decision to one of his close family members about me always saving him from the
consequences of his drinking and that he would never fully see the consequences
of what he was doing until I let him, they curtly replied “But he doesn’t learn
from his consequences”.
A
book that I thoroughly enjoyed during this time was called Boundaries by Dr.
Henry Cloud.It talks A LOT about
addiction and destructive relationships and that the best relationships have
good boundaries.Boundaries where
you can say no, and yes and respect yourself and others enough to say when
enough is enough- I won’t allow you to hurt me anymore.
He
was gone for a month - a month of not knowing where I would find money for the mortgage,
the bills, food and also not knowing what he was doing (besides random phone
calls late at night).I dove into
the arms of God.I HAD NO OTHER
CHOICE, I was desperate.I needed
this to change. I knew God had plans to sustain and build up our marriage and I
fought for it daily.I fasted, I
prayed, I read my bible, I cried out. I was so angry and God took it all.He was my rock so much so that I once
told my husband “I desperately want your love I truly do, but I don’t need it,
I need my God and his love to sustain me.”
The very day the church fast ended
he returned to Durango, sober. He’s been sober for 14 months (a year longer
than he’s ever been sober in 10 years)!!!
There are two very big lessons learned
and the first is this: You can’t control anyone but yourself, and even in that you
need to solely rely on God.I’m an
action person - if I see a need I do something, and praying never seemed like I was doing
something about it-SO WRONG. If you
want to help someone the very first thing should be prayer, there is no
stronger power we have as children of the Most High.
The second lesson was very harsh for me and that is that
just because his sin was more apparent than mine doesn’t mean I don’t have sin.God knew that I needed time too, to dig
and scrape inside myself and recognize that I was not part of the
solution.It was never my fault
that he was an alcoholic but I sure as heck wasn’t helping.
How do you pick just one thing to give testimony from when there are MONTHS filled with so much. Today I was reminded of the tiny details of our lives and how much Our Father loves us and wants us to Love and Trust Him.
The past few weeks have been truly unique. Learning to listen and respond to God’s voice. Some things are big and important. Others are small and simple like what and when to eat, what way to go home, and the reason for this story - what to wear. In most instances the reason is clear by the end of the day.
It’s February in Durango and warm layers are my norm, Long John's, jeans, layers, boots, etc. I am ALWAYS cold and can curl up in a blanket on a 90* day. This morning, like many of my mornings, the day started with quiet prayers about friends, family and of course wondering what His plan was as well. I get on about the morning and it’s time to pick out what the rest of the world sees me in. A sleeveless tank top with a cardigan is the direction I was sent… really, this is what we are going with?!?! Ok. Fine. Did you [God] remember that it’s winter out there?
Well out the door I went, grabbing a warmer jacket to keep in the car just in case. Can you believe that as the day progressed not only did the jacket never leave my car, but on a walk on the river trail off came my scarf and cardigan? It turned out to be warm, sunny and I was grateful to be in that sleeveless tank top.
Now to the revelation of this simple thing. I was reminded for the umpteenth time; “why are you having trouble trusting me? You know in your head and even deep down in your heart that I will take care of you.”
Now there was need for a scripture search and this is the one that kept coming to mind along the river trail this warm sunny February day.
Matthew 6:25-34 (NIV) 25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]? 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
All that to be said, I’m learning to trust in the small things. Daily growing and learning to hear Our Fathers voice and how He chooses to reveal Himself in the tiny details of my life. Simple things like “wear a tank top in February” and actually choosing to listen.
Are you willing to learn how He speaks to you and follow even in the tiny details?
My experience with community and friendship is different then most women’s, at least most women that I know. Not that that is a bad thing; just is what it is.
I grew up in a pretty open and honest home, and my personality is one that I tend to easily make friends. So, as I got older having community and finding people to be vulnerable with was not necessarily hard for me. Where I tended, and honestly can still struggle, is not feeling like I am responsible for the people in my community. I tend to take on their struggles and feel like I need to be their holy spirit, like I need to fix it, and like it is my fault. Lies, to keep me distanced; because really nobody can handle all that pressure - that would be why it is God’s job. I have/am learning to trust God with other people. To just set back and let Him work, some times He uses me in their lives and sometimes I get to just see the miracle and blessing in others lives.
I have gained a group of people that are comfortable and safe to be a mess in and grow. They encourage and support each other and me where they are at. They also show love not just for me but also for my family. It is also a place for Godly advice, encouragement, accountability, and prayer.
The things you are passionate
about are not random, they are your calling.
. Fabienne Fredrickson
Someone posted this on
Facebook a little while ago. It really put in words some things that have been
going on in my life over the last 8 months.
I work as a horse trainer and
in April of last year I left my trainer job of 7 years and went out on my own.
It was a huge step both financially and emotionally. I now needed to make sure
I had enough work to help support my family but also to further my career.
So I talked to God about it.
One thing that happened was that one day when I stood brushing a horse I
thought to myself that “ I
really would like a horse like this” (this particular horse is probably one of the highest
quality horses I’ve
ever worked with, really nice high dollar horse) but then the next thought in
my head was” but what if it would get
injured?” At that moment I heard a
voice (can’t say if it was audible or
not) say “ Why would I not bless you?” It hit me really hard. Did I not have faith that God
would also take care of my horses? It brought me down a new trail of thoughts
and prayers. Was I allowed to pray about my job working with horses? I have
ridden since I was little and it was always my dream and goal to be a professional
trainer. But I don’t
think I ever really prayed about it much, especially not for God to bless me in
it. I only did it because I had fun and loved doing it.
You also need to know that I
have many times in my life seen God move mountains in all kind of areas. I have
always believed God had a calling on my life that I one day would fulfill which
is how I ended up here.I came to
the US to work with troubled teenagers and horses on a Christian boys ranch.
There was suppose to be horses but the main thing was to work with the kids. It
ended up never happening. I did administration work instead.
Anyway here I was realizing
that God actually wanted to bless me in the work I am doing. WOW! All of a
sudden the words I started out with totally made sense. To be a horse trainer
is my life’s passion but also my life’s calling. It is what I am supposed to do. And as one
of our pastors so well talked about a while back, it is about seeing dry bones
come to live one at the time and be intentional in our relationships and we
will see people revived.To be a
missionary doesn’t only
mean to leave your home and country and do something totally foreign (even
though I tried that to and am very thankful I did) but it means to do God’s mission wherever he sends you.And in my case it means to serve him as
I train horses and teach people to ride.
I wish I could make you
understand what a revelation this was to me. I have ridden and trained horses
since I was a kid.But to realize that this is what God wants me to do with the rest of my
life, He is the one that put that passion in my life, and He wants me to use it
for his glory. I’m
blown away.Now I feel like I can
pray for my job, my clients, my future with a whole new level of faith. Now I
pray With God instead of To him.
This gives me a different
strategy for my future and a feeling of security that is pretty cool!
Many
probably remember how Pastor Mark began 2014 with a sermon series called the
“Measure of a Strong Church” where he encouraged us to read the first few
chapters of Revelation and throughout the series we were to assess ourselves –
as individual Christ followers and as members of the body.I was thoroughly challenged especially
since (1) I had feared reading Revelation because I was afraid, specifically of
the end times, and (2) our life group had recently read through it with
ambivalent results.One of Pastor
Mark’s requests from the church body was to seek God as we read through
Revelation and ask God to reveal to us specific things about the River
Church.How did we (as the church)
measure up?Which of the seven
churches (or a combination thereof) did we resemble?
The
described seven churches are Ephesus (the lacking love church), Smyrna (the
persecuted church), Pergamum (the compromising church), Thyatira (the corrupt
church), Sardis (the dead church), Philadelphia (the faithful church), and
Laodicea (the lukewarm church).
Reading
through this opening part of Revelation again was different because I asked God
to open my heart and my eyes – I wanted to please God regardless of my
feelings.I wondered if our
gracious and merciful Savior knew that others would be just like me and so He
provided a blessing for those who read it:Blessed is the one who
reads the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear it and take to
heart what is written in it, because the time is near (Rev. 1:3).God is all-knowing!He knew I would be afraid.Part of my fear is the brilliant and
rich figures of speech; the language amazes and startles at the same time, and
honestly I didn’t position my heart to read it.I know now that the enemy was using that fear to block me
from receiving God’s blessing.
How I
completely missed being in God’s glory because I did not position myself to
hear Him!For me, positioning
myself involves several things: praying for God to reveal to me the inner
depths of my sin, to repent of that sin, and to expect to hear God’s voice
every time.I love hearing God’s
voice – from hushed whispers to thunderous booms.He is faithful every time. My part of the faithful equation is much harder to keep.I did eventually write a list of
comparisons between the seven churches and ours.As I looked at the list of qualities, I asked God what to do
with this finding.At this time,
the corporate fast was in progress so I just prayed about the list for a few
days.Then, I prayed for all the
church leaders by name and specific area corresponding to the list.Then, I prayed for the church body as a whole and then
individually.Then, I prayed for myself
to find my part in the church body.So I did what God wanted me to do, but I did it alone (which was never
God’s intention) all year long!
Throughout the year, my desire to know God, read God’s word,
study God’s word was growing but I did it alone.I knew I was disobeying God.I asked for forgiveness.I asked for grace.And of course, God gave it all, including favor and provision.May it be said that 2015 was a year of
revival in the River Church – and needless to say I will be part of it.So it is with great mercy that I ask
all who read this to consider joining me in a new ministry.I am calling it the Study Guide
team.Just as God revealed to that
I am not the only one who was afraid to read through the book of Revelation, I
am certain that I am not the only one who desires to know more of God through
the weekly sermons.I do believe
that God is leading Pastor Mark to guide our church so as part of the body we
need to be positioned to receive and apply God’s word.I shared my idea with Mark and Jill and
they commissioned me to move forward.I did already speak to a couple of folks, but we definitely need more
folks involved so we will have enough on the team to rotate throughout the
month.Thus, the call out for the
Study Guide team.
WHO: All those whom God calls
WHAT: A committed group of believers who
will serve 1st and 2nd service to collectively write a
Study Guide based on that morning’s sermon
HOW: The assigned Study Guide team will
attend 1st service and take notes, and then the team will meet
together during 2nd service and type out a Study Guide for life
groups to use during the week
WHY: We our called to study God’s word
(and apply it), to fellowship with other believers, and it makes God happy
My heart is what Pastor Mark preached recently on Isaiah
58:6-8.By providing our church
body with a guide to dig deeper into God’s and apply it to our lives, we will
see the untying of “the cords of the yoke” and “light will break forth like the
dawn.”Please email with
questions: arroyoarte@gmail.com
Right after Christmas we found out that we will need to be out of the house we currently rent by May. So, we had and have been praying about housing. On the first day of the fast this year; my husband was sharing with a gentleman at church about needing to find a place. This same gentlemen just so happens to have a place that he is fixing up and wanting to rent out to a family in April. It has many of the things that we have been praying for. Even if this is not the house for us, it was the encouragement that both of us needed that God is indeed working on our housing situation and is listening to our prayers.
Ryan and I are going through a difficult season with a number of family members. It started with my aunts passing at the beginning of December, Ryan's uncle being hospitalized on Christmas with terminal cancer and a dear loved one becoming separated from his wife. All of these things have weighed on us and our families emotionally, spiritually and physically.
One night we were lying in bed and Ryan grabbed my hand and said we should pray together. As Ryan began to pray he asked the Lord to become the stronghold in our lives. At that moment I felt as if I had dozed off, yet I could still hear everything he was saying. I fell into a dream-like state and had what I'm calling "A vision of fire". I saw our house in a dome of blazing, roaring fire. It was loud and fiercely bright. It was perfectly round and fully encompassing. We could see out perfectly clear but anyone looking in basically saw the sun. I immediately thought of my neighbors (who are strong believers) as we are in a du-plex and the dome spread to their side of the house as well to totally encompass them. And then it was gone. I snapped back to and was still fully aware of Ryan praying and everything he had said. It the natural it only lasted a couple seconds, but it felt like several minutes for all the details I saw and was aware of. That week we had started listening to a message on Psalm 91. The next day the pastor started to pick apart words in this passage. Psalm 91 is all about Gods protection.
Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.” (Psalm 91:1-16 NIV)
The next morning watching our preaching show and having the pastor describe in depth the description of these words, we knew we had just had a God moment the night before. We know God is present and working. It also showed me that God is fierce in His protection. The vision is no less clear than it was when I had it. His love and protection for us does not fade.
It had been planned
for over a month… Asha was supposed to ride the Polar Express with a somewhat
older friend of mine, her daughter, and more specifically with her
granddaughter, Nicole, on Tuesday night December 30th. These two
little girls are really good friends…even though they only see each other once
a year, as Nicole lives in OK. Due to poor planning, miscommunication with
Shawn, and just flat being an irresponsible idiot... WelI…I proceeded to have
my WORST. MOM. MOMENT. EVER. EVER. EVER. EVER. The train was pulling away RIGHT
IN FRONT OF US as we were caught at a stoplight on Main St. and College Ave. (1
block from the train station)!!!!! Asha and I ran like Cheetahs into the train
station…only to be told… “I’m sorry girls…it’s too late to get on the train.” I
remember Asha peering up at me with her big, brown eyes and asking, “But
Mama…how am I gonna get on the train???” I said nothing. I couldn’t. I was
absolutely numb. This was BY FAR my LOWEST. MOM. MOMENT. EVER. EVER. EVER.
The walk back to my
friends Jeep (she drove us into town driving like Mario Andretti)…was the
LONGEST of my life. No words were said. There I was…walking back to the Jeep,
hand in hand, with my sweet, precious, innocent, lil' girl...as the train went
the OTHER direction. Asha climbed into the back seat, completely silent. I
breathed the BIGGEST breath that I could muster and turned around to face my
daughter… It was dark in the Jeep, but the street light caught her sweet,
precious face. It was then that I noticed two big tears roll down her saddened
face. That sight brought the waterworks for both of us, while my sweet friend
sat quietly in the driver’s seat. We both sat and BAWLED our eyes out... I
repented to her. Told her it was ALL MY FAULT. My heart ACHED for HERS… I had
messed up MONUMENTALLY… She just sat there with her lil' innocent tears
streaming down her face.
So...we took her to Durango
Joe's to get a “peace offering” hot coco, heavy on the whip and sprinkles. We
waited for the train to return (it's only gone an hour). Then we waited for my
friend, her daughter, and Nicole to get off the train. We met them in the train
store, only for me to get called "The Doghouse Girl" by Nicole’s mom
and then I was told by my friend that Nicole was crying for Asha as the train
pulled away from the station. DOUBLE DAGGER on top of an already gaping wound…
I didn't sleep very well at all that night... I kept waking up with the sight
of Asha sitting in the back seat of the car...tears rolling down her sweet
face. Siiiiiigh... I was grieving for my daughter, her heart, my heart… I
couldn’t carry this. I needed JESUS to carry this burden for me. I got up and
began to talk, pray, sob, and tried my best to give HIM
my hurt... I heard him say, “Text Jen (Kline) and share what happened. I am
going to speak to you, through her…” I did just that. At the end of my mile
long text to her…I said to Jen, “Just wanted to share this with you, knowing
you would have some encouraging words for me...” I did not tell her that the
LORD had directed me too.
The LORD is FAITHFUL
when we do what HE says… This was Jen’s text to me:
“I actually have tears as I’m typing this. I can’t imagine how you must feel. I
think the reason I am crying is because I know how much you LOVE to bless your
kids. And it makes me sad to know how sad you must have been/are. I will pray
for Asha and her dealing with the disappointment and I think it is SO HUGE that
you prayed with her... Trust that God will instill in her a grace giving loving
heart because of you taking it back to Jesus. You are not perfect. There are no
parent "fails." Everything we try and do with our kids is something
God can use for his glory. He wastes nothing. The Polar Express is fleeting...
Jesus is eternal... Asha will always be better because if you walking out your
journey in front of her. You show her what the grace and goodness of GOD looks
like and you will never go wrong. Ever.”
Jen sent a second text… “On another note, I was actually just thinking about
how beautifully you plan things to do with your family, how you think ahead,
consider the "fun" things you can do together, little trips, going
back to MN to see family. Your children have a FULL and blessed life! And it is
largely because of the efforts you make and have made since the day Asha &
Caleb were born. Cut yourself a whole lot of slack on the “Grace-o-Meter....
You rock. You are a kick a** mom!!!”
I guess my point in
sharing this BAD. MOM. MOMENT. with all of you is this… WE NEED EACH OTHER… WE
REALLY DO!!! I could have wallowed in self-pity, guilt, sorrow, disgust…at the
pain I caused EVERYONE involved… But, chose instead to bring a girlfriend into
my “moment”. GOD used Jen to speak TRUTH into what the enemy wanted me to sit
and ruminate on… TRANSPARENCY brings FREEDOM and is LIFE-GIVING ladies!!! It
may suck to share your “crap”…but you WILL be a better woman, mom, sister,
daughter, friend…because of it!
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