Recently
my Dad, whom I've been estranged from for about 4 years was airlifted
to Colorado Springs for an open heart surgery. My Dad and I do not have
a close relationship. We are both wounded… and it became a very messy
relationship. I've taken time to heal my wounds and needed time away
from him to do that. I wanted my response to my Dad's wounds to be
from a loving healed place. Not a hurt and angry place. So I created
some space and pursued Jesus with a passion and fury like never before.
I've struggled with boundaries and relationships my whole life. How
much is too much, what is my responsibility, what's best for me and my
heart. As a Mom and wife I have had to establish new boundaries for my
life because as I pursued God and a deeper relationship with him, he
revealed to me that my husband and kids are my first priority.
Flash
back to this fall I went on an amazing retreat and spent 5 days one
on one with Jesus. The only way I can describe my time away is that it
was rehabilitation for my heart. I spent my days in close relationship
with my Lord and Savior, hearing his whispers of truth, his love and
adoration and his encouragement and kindness. He brought me to places
where I woke up needing to talk to him and pray with someone about
certain things he had wanted to talk to me about for a very long time.
I had a DEEP passion to pray and journal and read his word. It was a
beautiful time away. During my time away and in the subsequent weeks
leading up to my father's critical procedure the Lord had prepared me
for the circumstance of my father's surgery. And now as I look back on
it, I realize that as I desire transformational relationship with him to
freedom each "unexpected" or "disappointing" circumstance in my life he
has and always will prepare me. I don't need to live in fear or in
chaos or in anxiousness. I can receive news like this and still have
peace. A peace that surpasses all understanding. He loves me that
much.
He
is a jealous God because He loves us, not because he's a control freak.
He is the creator of the universe, but he cares about my heart. It is
with this perspective that I walk through each day in communion with
him.
So
when I received the news of my Dad's operation and critical health
circumstances, my first reaction was not that of panic, it was of
compassion and care. I immediately began thinking about the good
memories I have of my Dad and all the ways he blessed my life. I didn't
focus on the hurt he has caused me. The Lord showed me how he had been
so faithful to me providing me this person who raised me the best he
could. As I began conversations with my brother as to how to respond I
was not "freaking out" at the details he provided in terms of the
seriousness of my Dad's blockage in his main artery. I was thankful
that my mother in law was a cardiac nurse who had answers to lots of
questions I had regarding what this looks like for him medically. With
each moment and day after I was given this difficult news I could rely
on my heavenly father to provide me with his peace and
his wisdom regarding decisions that needed to be made, my responsibility
as it related to my Dad and boundaries for things that were mine to
take care of or not mine at all… He showed me that he was in control and
it was more about relying on Him than relying on my "best laid plans."
God has revealed to me that my responsibility for a lot of things in my
life is rather small compared to what I think it is. He really in a
lot of areas only requires me to be communing with him for answers.
He's SO kind to me in that I can trust him with so much of my life. My
kids, my husband, my Dad, my relationships are all in his hands.
Regardless of the worst possible outcome, he is faithful to me.
I
only found this new place because of my deep desire for freedom from
where I was living. Anxiety, fear, frustration are not my friends.
Jesus is. I'd like to add a disclaimer to my testimony. Please know
that this new freedom is awesome and as each day passes and I am
compelled to draw closer to him and he reveals new things to my spirit I
am not ever perfected. But the progress we have made together
has been a beautiful and wonderful journey. The best adventure yet with
my heavenly everlasting father has brought me to a place of peace in
the midst of the chaos of life. I am excited for the days to come
because I know there is more freedom available to me. I look forward to
the "more" he wants to show me and the additional "love" I will receive
from him. I am thankful that this The River Church is a place where I
can pursue that freedom and that I have a group of women in our women's
ministry who are vulnerable enough to help me be refined with grace and
love.
I
pray this testimony blesses people. As a leader in this church it is
imperative that I am obedient and submitted to the will of God in my
life. I have found great joy in it and I am honored and privileged to
lead others as they pursue more of Jesus. He's so awesome. :)
Serving Him with Joy,
Jen Kline
Children's Pastor
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