Testimony Tuesday

---I would like to set aside Tuesdays as the day we testify to God's work in our lives.  I say we because I have asked women at the River Church to share what God is doing in their lives and families.  These are their stories!  "They defeated him [the accuser] through the blood of the Lamb and the bold word of their witness." Revelations 12:11 (MSG)---

I am interrupting the testimonies from the retreat to share this one that a beautiful, transparent sister shared with me this weekend.  God loves to meet us where we're at!
  
So this month had been a pretty tough month in terms of my faith. I had come off the women's retreat so confident I had flung things that were holding me back away from me. I spent day after day praising God. Not wanting to pick up the things that kept me from being free. 

As each day passed my thoughts at night would turn to worry. Circumstances seemed insurmountable, fears started to plague me that I never had before. Negative thoughts about my kids, my health, my husband, my family, guilt, broken relationships all started coming into my mind. I'd press into scripture and joy came every morning. But as each day pressed on into the evening I became more vulnerable to the lies. Many times I asked my husband to pray for me. When he did, my peace came back. 

My husband and I had been tithing regularly even though mathematically our budget was telling us we would be going in the red. We cut corners everywhere in order to make it an easier month. Right before the October women's breakfast Our bank account had a zero balance. I barely had any gas and we were out of food in our fridge. I borrowed money from a family member to help pay our last bill but that day I was penny less. 

I prayed on the way to the breakfast but it was more like a tantrum. I tattled on my frustration about money, asking God why when we were being obedient he wasn't showing up. I confessed unbelief to him. I confessed that I didn't trust men and maybe I didn't even trust Him because I thought men weren't there for me for most of my life. I let Him have it. I didn't even cry during my tantrum. I was just mad at him. 

Then I sat through Jill's talk about the difference between knowledge and belief. Everything she said was exactly what I knew. My knowledge was blocking me from believing the most important things God wanted to show me. I was wondering how I was going to feed my family, how I'd get to church on Sunday, how I'd get through. 

Payday wasn't until Tuesday (3 days later). I was in my car looking for change to pay for gas, digging through my purse just to make sure I'd make it home all the while apologizing to God for my unbelief. Telling Him I believed he could help me but I needed an encounter, an experience a touch from him. As I asked him what I should do He whispered... Look at your bank account. I thought He was having me do it because I need to be more diligent, I thought He was having me do it to prepare and steward my money for next week. 

I logged into my bank account from my phone... My check had deposited. The date of the deposit was Tuesday, but it was showing in my bank on Saturday. I had plenty of money. I believe God brought me through this struggle because I desired encounter, presence, experience with him. I confessed my unbelief and I was honest with him about my circumstances. In hindsight I acted like such a brat. I asked for forgiveness and praised him all the way home. I tithed on my paycheck, bought gas and groceries and the blessing I felt that day was immense. 

I appreciated the gas in the car and the food I was able to get on sale at the grocery store. My lunch tasted better. He is so patient with me. I'm excited for my next adventure with Him. The one where I get out of the boat in the middle of the storm and truly believe He has me. He is God. I am not. How thankful I am for His grace, mercy and love.

Knowing vs Believing

Recently it struck me the big difference between what I know about God and what I believe about God. I've heard it referred to as the distance between your head and your heart. Very true but I think we stop there.

What we know about God greatly affects what we believe about Him. I was asked in a bible study to write down how I view God. As I was writing down my thoughts on His love and grace and forgiveness and lordship I was also challenged by 'do I believe that too?'  

How do you know what you believe? Look at what you do. 

We know that God is in control. He is sovereign. When we are faced with a situation in our lives - financial stress, illness/health problems, relationship challenges - what do we do? How do we respond? 

We know that God freely loves us. Do we then receive that love or do we try and earn it? Do we still see ourselves as not good enough, always failing and falling short or as sinners who've been saved by His marvelous grace and sacrifice and live free?

Romans 4:3 says "What does scripture day? Abraham believed God and it was credited to him as righteousness."

It wasn't Abraham's knowledge about God at 99 that led him to circumsize himself and all the men in his family and servants. It wasn't his knowledge about God that led him up a mountainside  with his only son, the one God had promised him, to sacrifice him. It was his belief that God meant what He said. 

It wasn't Paul's knowledge of God that led him all over preaching the good news of Christ, enduring beatings, prison, ship wrecks, angry crowds and government and the threat of death. It was his belief in Christ. In fact his knowledge led him to persecute and kill believers before he met Jesus on the road to Damascus. His belief led him to love all and write half of the New Testament. 

Knowledge is something we gain through our 5 senses. 

Belief is gained in our spirits, through faith. 

In Genesis, God presented Adam in the Garden of Eden with the tree of life (living, alive, life sustaining, live prosperously, live forever, be quickened, revive from sickness). This is how it was meant to be.  Getting our source of life from Him alone. 

And He warned Adam about the tree of the knowledge (what we gain through our senses) of good (pleasant, excellent, beautiful, lovely, delightful, joyful, fruitful, precious) and evil (bad, inferior quality, wicked, evil, mishchevious, malignant, noxious, injurious, hurtful, unpleasant). 

Understand that not everything we know about God is bad. The bible says we can know good.

But also, not everything we know about God is true. It can be inferior, hurtful and unpleasant. 

All our knowledge, however, can affect what we believe about God. Therefore we cannot rely on our knowledge alone. 

For example: if we've prayed for/about a situation. It doesn't get answered. We may conclude - based on our knowledge- that God doesn't hear or doesn't care. Conversely, if He does answer how we prayed then God must always answer what we pray or always respond a certain way. 

The problem with knowledge is that it forms opinions, assumptions and judgment. And knowledge is what is usually shared. 

Belief takes our knowledge and holds it up to the Word of God to see if it is True because His Word is Truth regardless of what we see, hear, smell, taste or feel. 

So. What do you know and what do you believe? 

Do you know, or believe, that God is trustworthy?

Do you know, or believe, that God is All-powerful?

Do you know, or believe, that He command us to love Him and love others?

Do you know, or believe, that you are loved?

Do you know, or believe, that you are forgiven?

Do you know, or believe, that you are free?

Do you know, or believe, that God's Word is Truth, alive and active?

Do you know, or believe, that God can do mighty things through us when we submit our lives, our time, our finances, our gifts and talents unto Him?

Reflect on your life and see what you believe. 

Mark 9:23,24 says "And Jesus said to him, "If You can! All things are possible to him who believes {not knows}!" Immediately the boy's father cried out and began saying, "I do believe; help my unbelief {faithlessness, uncertainty, distrust}!" 

And Jesus healed. 

We can come to Him with our unbelief and ask for help. He will heal.

Throwback Thursday - It's a Fight!

(originally published in 2010)

I'm not sure who all reads this blog. I'm not sure what season you are in life. So I'm not sure that this blog will make sense to you. But I hope you will be able to identify with at least something I write today.

I've been somewhat blah lately. Nothing bad happening but nothing really great happening either. I recently went to an all-day workshop about master-planning your life. It was a great time with lots of great information but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't completely overwhelmed. I mean they asked me questions like "What do you love to do?" "What could you do for hours and not even know it was hours?" That may seem easy for some of you to answer but I really didn't know.

I also had to self-evaluate. I realized it's much easier for me to evaluate others than it is to evaluate myself. Especially in the few moments we had each time. I tend to waaaay over-think things. Shocking I know :)

I did learn some stuff about myself but really it just brought up more questions!

So I've been thinking. Thinking about my life now and my life in the future. Thinking about what is my God-given, God-directed and God-breathed purpose? It's very easy to get lost in outside labels along the road of life. It's easy [for me of course] to become Mark's wife and Kale, Kate and Jack's mom. And while I love those roles and believe this is where I'm supposed to be I can't help but wonder if there's more for me to be doing?

I've slowly been coming to the conclusion that while the answer is yes it is also wait. I think that God has more plans for me. He certainly isn't done with me yet. But at this moment I'm preparing for them. How is he preparing me? Seems like diapers, cooking meals, doing laundry and cleaning house won't prepare me for much but I also see things like patience, grace, wisdom, clarity and reliance on Him coming out of my day to day experiences.

So what does this have to do with fighting? I'll tell you. {By the way, I don't battle all of these everyday. But I have battled all of these at least once if not more than once.}

Everyday is a fight to stay in the game.

I fight to stay involved and not check out.

I fight to stay focused and not distracted.

I fight the lies that say I'm not a good enough mom or wife.

I fight the lies that say I'm fat, lazy and not creative.

I fight to get up in the mornings and not sleep in.

I fight the urge to fight my husband over dumb things.

I fight sarcasm that creeps in when I've told my children the same thing for the hundredth time.

I fight to make it through everyday with a positive and thankful attitude.

I fight the urge to just quit and throw in the towel.

I fight the overwhelming feeling that I'm not really making a difference.

I fight the helplessness I feel when it doesn't seem like my children are "getting it".

I fight the urge to crawl into a closet and hide from everything.

I fight the urge to let my emotions rule me.

I fight to let God's voice be the loudest one I hear everyday.

I fight for God's truth to guide and direct my steps.

I fight for God's word to be in my heart.

I fight for God's voice, truth and word to be in my children's hearts and minds.

I fight everyday. And I will continue to fight.

Some days I win. Some days I lose. I think we are fooling ourselves if we don't realize that we have to fight for what is important. There are days when I feel too tired to fight. Days where I feel so beat up from the fighting. I think to myself - I just fought this battle yesterday! Can't I get a break? But then I think, it's important to keep fighting. To persevere. To go after God's plan and purpose for me and to not just sit back and let life take over me.

So I pray....God help me to fight the good fight, to win the race, to persevere.

And He says...I will fight alongside you.

"...the Lord your God fights for you, just as He promised." Joshua 24:11b

Amen.

Testimony Tuesday - Take the Plunge!

---I would like to set aside Tuesdays as the day we testify to God's work in our lives.  I say we because I have asked women at the River Church to share what God is doing in their lives and families.  These are their stories!  "They defeated him [the accuser] through the blood of the Lamb and the bold word of their witness." Revelations 12:11 (MSG)---

For the next few weeks I will be sharing a few testimonies from our women's retreat.  These are awesome! 

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I came this weekend with no expectations but a lot of need.  And though I was afraid to hope He would, God met those needs and did some serious work in my heart!  Just like He saw Leah, He let me know that He sees me! (that message was word for word God speaking directly to me btw!)  My heart's cry has been to be seen by Him and to feel that.  And He did that for me this weekend. He did so much more than I can adequately explain, but I'll just say that I had a very sweet encounter with my God this weekend and I feel so loved and richly blessed!

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If asked before this weekend...I would've told you that the River was my kiddos church, not mine.  

You can:
  be the perky, goofy, joyful and quirky one.
  be given the job of a "woohoo girl" at the start of the retreat
  go to every women's breakfast
  even speak at a women's breakfast
  be awesome friends with the dork wad on the River staff (Jen Kline :) )

...and still feel lost in the crowd and unknown.  After this retreat I can say that I really know people and I feel known.  The River is now my church! :)

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God has worked so many miracles in my life and I'm just beginning to discover some of them.  I was sexually abused as a very young girl, then again and again as I was growing up.  I was baptized when I was about 11 years old but I really hadn't trusted God.  My step-father was an alcoholic (so was my father and we really didn't have contact with him after I was 10 years old).  My step-father was one of my abusers.  I was told when I was a senior in high school that I neede to see if there was a friend I could live with because my step-father was on a drinking binge.  I lived away from home and felt very unwanted.  I became promiscuous feeling that was what was expected of me.  I became pregnant at age 18.  I had my son and moved back home until I could get settled on my own.  My behavior did not change much and I became pregnant again.  I told the father of this child (I did not tell the father of my first child).  He was not supportive and doubt that he was the father.  I felt I could not have another child alone and I chose abortion.   I have not been in many relationships since then.  Although I have struggled through all of this, financial burdens, and the feeling of unworthiness and so many other things, I can look back and see God's hand in all aspects. I had a healthy child, he's provided food and shelter and income!  He's brought the best people into my life to support me on my walk with Him and to completely surrender to His will.  

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Give it up, take it back, give it up, take it back, give....well you get the idea.  It wasn't that what I heard last night was anything new - I know those truths all too well.  I think it was when Jill said that it was more difficult to keep carrying those rocks than it was to let them go.  Maybe it was the power of all those women who stood and flung.  Maybe it was the power of the Holy Spirit that filled the room and gave me new resolve.  And I flung, too.  I flung and I don't every want to pick those things up again.  Thanks be to God!

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If my people will humble themselves and pray....
This verse has come to me over and over throughout this year.  But I always asked others to pray; always looked to others prayers to help me and mine in and through our troubles.  God has revealed to me how important and necessary my praying is.  He has shown me that my prayers are as powerful and necessary as others.

But a breath...

The past couple weeks have reminded me that my life is but a breath here on earth.  The length of my life is not something I can control. Yes I can influence that by healthy, wise living but in the end, I do not hold my days in my hands. He does. 

Sometimes I'm totally okay with that. And sometimes fear creeps in and I'm not. Just in the past month I've read of floods, bombings, rock slides, cancer, car accidents, illnesses....it can be very overwhelming and scary. Both for myself and for my loved ones. 

When I start to feel like what's the point I have to go back to my faith, my relationship with the Purpose Giver. He created me. He gave me breath. He knows the number of my days. He holds my life in His hands.  Every breath I take and every beat of my heart is a gift from Him. 

Do I trust Him with it? 

Yes. Ultimately I do. 

No guilt in life, no fear in death. 

This is the power of Christ in me. 

From life's first cry to final breath. Jesus commands my destiny. 

No matter what may come, He will sustain me and care for me and my loved ones. It may not go how I have planned but He is good. He never changes. My circumstances might, but He never will. My rock. My fortress. My God in Whom I trust. 

He's given me an eternal hope which far surpasses what this world has to offer. Because He's given me this hope and breath, I have to share. Share the good news that this isn't just for me. It's for you. 

Life eternal. 

Throwback Thursday - Purpose

(originally published in 2009)

Do you wonder what you have been put on this earth for? Do you wonder what your purpose is?

The theory of evolution has started a thought that we are here randomly. That we happened to evolve from something - generally thought of as monkeys. There is no purpose. No meaning. No reason for any of it. It just happened. Because of that beginning we are led to believe that our lives have no purpose and no meaning. We're just lucky to be here.

Poo! Every single person was created with a purpose by a Creator Who loves every part of us. The good and the bad. He knows it all and loves us just the same.

Yet we spend our whole lives looking for purpose and meaning in life. We spend countless hours doing the "wrong" purpose. You would smile if I tried to cut a steak with a spoon. A spoon was NOT designed for that. You would laugh if I tried baking a cake in the freezer. Freezers were NOT designed to bake cakes. You would freak out if I tried to brush my teeth with a toilet plunger. Totally NOT made for teeth brushing. Yet we don't bat an eye when we, and others around us, spend time, energy and money on things we weren't created to do. Trying desperately to find purpose and meaning for our lives.

So what is our purpose? What are we created to do?

I'll tell you what it is NOT.

It is NOT to be beautiful, smart, rich, popular or powerful. It is NOT to have the best house, the best car, the best clothes, the best job. It is NOT to be a perfect spouse, a perfect friend, a perfect employee, a perfect parent. It is NOT to have the best ministry, the greatest church, a successful life, or many relationships. It is NOT so many things that we strive for every day.

It IS to Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and to love your neighbor as yourself. That's it. Simple.

Are we doing it? Unfortunately I'm not. Yes I love God. But I have a long way to go to say I love Him with everything. If that were true my life would be different. Do I love my neighbor as myself? Unfortunately no. God has shown me how to love my neighbor but I haven't done it.

Why? I think it's because I've tried to pursue other things that are not as important as loving Him and loving my neighbor. By not living in my purpose I am left tired, drained, confused, dissatisfied and always wanting more. My purpose was given to me by my Creator. He knows me best. He loves me best. And I want to live fulfilling my purpose.

Testimony Tuesday -- Take the Plunge!

---I would like to set aside Tuesdays as the day we testify to God's work in our lives.  I say we because I have asked women at the River Church to share what God is doing in their lives and families.  These are their stories!  "They defeated him [the accuser] through the blood of the Lamb and the bold word of their witness." Revelations 12:11 (MSG)---

For the next few weeks I will be sharing a few testimonies from our women's retreat.  These are awesome! 

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God is love.  He does not condemn me. He wants me to know this love and asks me to give Him all my expectations/needs/desires so that I can experience His peace.  He is there for me.  ALWAYS.  And when I empty my hands of worries - open them to Him to be filled. Any thought that arise contrary to the above are NOT from God.  Know His word, it is His power for my life.

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I'm home again with my church family.  After over 9 years of being away and running from God. 
God asked me: Do you love me? Because I love you with no conditions, no requirements, no judgements.  Just pure love for you my child.
My answer: Yes, I love you Lord.  I'm so scared of what you may ask of me!  And I don't know why I know I don't want to give some things up.
God said: So don't! Just love me!

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Five years ago my husband and I took a great financial risk.  The risk did not pan out as we thought it would and, long story short, we have had financial problems for the last 3 years.  My faith in my ability to hear from God wavered.  I thought we had been obedient!  Why would we fail so spectacularly if we had heard from God and done what He said?  Today the Lord broke that lie off of me.  I went adventuring!  I did what He said to do!  I may feel like I failed, but I was obedient , so I succeeded.  God has brought me to a place where I can see the next peak because of my "failure".  He is not punishing me! He rejoices in my situation because it's an opportunity to enter into His joy.  The enemy has kept me still for too long by preying on my fear that I can't hear from God.  No more.  I am His child.  I know His voice.  I will hear and obey.

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I have really been struggling and wanting to change so my in my life.  I wanted to come this weekend but could not afford it.  Jen asked and I told her the truth.  I am barely affording food and bills and gas.  Through Jen and others, I am here.  It has been hard for me to be the recipient of help after years of being the giver.  He so loves me.  Unasked and yet He gave me the desire o fmy heart.  I continue to strive to seek and keep Him first.  Thank you for this chance to find my new path with You!

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This weekend God has opened up my heart with many different things; trusting, speaking through Paige to explain certain points that I have never thought of before, showing me He does care and isn't just passing me by.  He has shown me that I can find joy through pain, sorrows and struggles in life not just through the happy, successful times.  I was also blessed with a great group of ladies that could relate, they listened, and also expanded on awesome points Paige made when speaking.   I needed this weekend to show me that I need to take the plunge whether it be 1,2,3 or 4.  Always needing to expand my faith and be obedient.  Very happy I came to feel God's presence.  Thankful for everyone who put this together and prayed for all of us ladies.  Thank you Jesus!

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My life with Him has been an adventure of His continued faithfulness.  Yet, in this current season I find myself feeling like I am adrift.  Yet others see Him guiding my way.  He made the way for me to return to school full-time and work full-time.  I just don't want to miss His will and His path again.  So, I am cautious and afraid to believe that this desire I have is His desire.  Yet, He is ever faithful.  Moment by moment, and I am taking Him at His word.