You Are the One Jesus Loves

By Tiffany Bleger

I used to really dislike the Apostle John. 

There. I said it. 

I feel like lightning may come down at any moment. 

But I truly didn't. I struggled with his personality and character in the bible. I couldn't even stand to read the book of John more than the once a year prescribed by my reading plan. And, according to some Christians I know, that admission alone is cause to question my salvation. But I honestly didn't. 

However, like most lessons I've learned along this Christ-following journey, the reasons had far more to do with me than they did with poor John. 

When I became a Christian and began studying the Scriptures, I viewed the world through the lens of self-hatred. I saw absolutely nothing worthy of love in myself. And so, this "beloved disciple" and the "one Jesus loved" seemed arrogant and pretentious when viewed through my tainted lenses. What made him so special? Why did he get to be the one Jesus loved? Did that mean Jesus loved the other disciples less?

John's claims of love confirmed my performance-driven, self-loathing, flawed view of God. In my mind, there was a sliding scale of His love. People like John and King David (check out his deathbed confession in 2 Samuel 23:1) were at the top. Those were the people God truly loved. Those were the people God enjoyed. 

In the middle were most everybody else - the people who seemed to have it all together at church. The people who smiled and prayed and hugged and didn't seem to be faking it. 

Further down were the people who struggled with addictions and sins, but were truly repentant and trying to make an honest go of it. 

Even further were those who didn't love God, who hadn't accepted Him or who had flat-out rejected Him. 

Finally, at the very bottom, was me. I was loved only because the verse says, "For God so loved the world..." If He didn't love me, He would have been a liar. But, beyond that, I could see no reason why He would choose to love me.

But, ever so slowly, God began to change my lenses. He began to show me how He loves me, not because He had to, but because He wants to. He began to remove the self-loathing, the performance-driven fear. For the first time, I began to understand that love. And I began to see John through a new light. 

"The disciple Jesus loved" wasn't arrogant or pretentious, he was filled with a holy confidence. He had looked into the eyes of Jesus and received the love that was never forced. He intimately knew the sacrifice and love that had been poured out for him on Calvary. 

He knew what his identity, his "title" had cost him. 

John chose to describe himself as beloved because that title was precious. It was costly. It was worth honor. 

Do you see where I'm going with this, dear sister? Do you see that this is you? Perhaps you are like I was, drowning in the sea of self-hatred. Are you jealous of those who seem safe on the boat? Do you see the lifeline, the love, being offered to you? And are you willing to let go of those stones, those lies, so that you can hold on to love with everything you have?

You are the one Jesus loves. You are the beloved disciple. You can walk in the same holy confidence as John and David, secure in the knowledge that you are intimately loved and treasured by the Creator of the Universe. But that is not a title anyone else can give you. That is the title you choose for yourself.  

Can you believe this for yourself? What has kept you from knowing how much you are loved?