Daily Bread

By Esther Belin

A few years ago, I finally surrendered my finances to God, deciding to convert to a cash system. At the time, I had a steady income. Shortly after this decision, I lost my job. Looking back at that time, I know that God took financial security away from me to be solely dependent on Him. Money was a very apparent idol in my life and because He heard the song in my heart He compassionately pursued me to show me my sin. God was very intentional at removing financial security at the exact time I committed to surrender my finances. It was a test. 

I knew it – in my intellect, I totally knew that I was being tested. At the time, I didn’t really think of it as a trial because I knew I could get another job – or so I thought. So it is during this season of refining that God waited patiently for me to see His mystery, His sovereignty and His love (Job 42:5).

Selah.

Like Paul, “If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness” (2 Corin. 11:30).  Before I go on, I do need to say that I love Paul. I love his obedience, I love his heart, I love his passionate, jumbled, and lengthy sentences that are so dense with truth. Dear Readers, I so encourage you to read your Bible. It is only with reading and truly wrestling with God’s word that one can appreciate these fellow Christ followers.

From very young, I knew that money enabled comfort. It was uncomfortable to watch opportunities pass by for lack of money, or to see how money changed attitudes. In fourth grade, I knew I was going to college because education was a method to achieve money. I put most of my effort in getting good grades and when I realized how easy it was to get good grades, my idol of pride began to take root. Little did I know that my seemingly simple desire to surrender my finances to God revealed a hidden collection of idols. I sigh because my intellect knows God desires all of my heart.  

I am so ashamed to realize how I tried to negotiate with God by holding back – thinking that I could hide my idols from him! So back when I lost my job, my idol of pride stood tall. I thought – ok, no big deal, I will get whatever job I can…. I am so employable…. I have so many skills….. I went to college….. I am better than the average laborer.  I cannot tell you how many unsuccessful job interviews I had. I was even hired, then 3 days before I was to start, it fell through. God was chipping away my pride – and my resistance/ignorance was making it more painful. Because that idol was decades old, the realization as to the invasiveness of it crippled my identity: who I think I am – who I think God is – how I relate to people.  I sigh heavily at my sin – and I rejoice readily at His mercy (Ps. 5:7).

Selah.

In my intellect, I knew that I knew that I knew God desires all of my heart. So why was it so hard to give it to Him? I knew He was trustworthy. I knew He was faithful. I knew He wanted to bless me – to provide for me – to watch me succeed! I knew it in my head but not in my heart. During this season of financial drought, I have had to walk by faith daily. Sometimes moment by moment – clinging so desperately to God – being so precise in my obedience – asking for and taking only my daily portion. God was showing me His provision in a very real and deliberate way. A way not based on intellect but on faith.

Unexpectedly, being on such a tight budget has exposed the bountifulness of God. As I inventoried our pantry and our bank accounts, I began to pray over all of it. 

I prayed that we would eat and spend wisely. I prayed for creativity to find recipes that included food in our pantry. I prayed that the gas in our vehicles would stretch. I prayed over big purchases to be made in the coming months. For such a long time, I had believed a lie that we never had enough. Enough food, enough money, enough time. I was living a lie of deficiency.

Now I gladly praise God for His bounty (Ps. 13:6 ESV). He will never allow His children to lack anything – He provides, protects and pursues. He sings over us (Zeph. 3:17 ESV). I love that. I love that God – Creator of the Universe – sings loudly over us.  God sings over me as I struggle to piece together random dry goods in my pantry for a meal. God sings over me as I pray about even the smallest purchases – and it is in those times that I see God’s bounty everywhere.

Prayer has been my sole source to daily bread – physically, spiritually and emotionally.  There are really no words to replace the blessings of true obedience – everything gets mussed up in the overflow of grace and mercy – like a longing fulfilled, like an aching limb relieved, like the warmth of sun-rays. Dear readers, I leave you with a timeless hymn that has taken on new meaning for me.

1. You have longed for sweet peace,
   And for faith to increase,
   And have earnestly, fervently prayed;
   But you cannot have rest,
   Or be perfectly blest,
   Until all on the altar is laid.

• Refrain:
  Is your all on the altar of sacrifice laid?
  Your heart does the Spirit control?
  You can only be blest,
  And have peace and sweet rest,
  As you yield Him your body and soul.

2. Would you walk with the Lord,
   In the light of His word,
   And have peace and contentment away?
   You must do His sweet will,
   To be free from all ill,
   On the altar your all you must lay.

3. Oh, we never can know
   What the Lord will bestow
   Of the blessings for which we have prayed,
   Till our body and soul
   He doth fully control,
   And our all on the altar is laid.

4. Who can tell all the love
   He will send from above,
   And how happy our hearts will be made;
   Of the fellowship sweet
   We shall share at His feet,
   When our all on the altar is laid. 
 

How have you seen God provide for you? Have you experienced His daily bread?