Thought Trails

By Nancy Turley

“Attentiveness is the heart’s stillness, unbroken by any thought.” Hescychios of Sinai
 
“The 'light of the mind' is a metaphor for the ground of awareness showing something of itself to our perception." ( Into The Silent Land by Martin Laird, p. 68)
 
“My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him.” Psalms 62:5 (NASB)

Along with our friends, Joanna and Bill, my husband Steve and I watched in fascination as the fireworks cascaded up, out and down like an evening candelabra in the sky over Vallecito Lake. We fortuitously parked almost right in back of the launching pad of the fireworks. We agreed afterwards that none of us had been that close to a fireworks display before.

I also experienced a different sensation than ever before, consciously attaching an anthropomorphic personality to individual displays as if they were unique beings. The crowd also reacted similarly, laughing after an elongated firework spun out with an audible sound of a child-like scream. One extended fireworks display cannoning maybe thirty or more red rockets, one after another, left smoke trails which formed a tree with branches and roots.  

My focus was drawn to those trails more than the actual fireworks itself. 

The present inner theme at work within me the past few months is one of awareness as I observe how the commentary of 
my thoughts leaves its own trail of "smoke" in my mind. I've performed my own tail spins several times while screaming like a child (though perhaps not as loudly)! And I have realized that my child within is reacting, not so much due to the reality of the present circumstance, but because she is spinning her own tail (and tale!) on a made up "commentary" about that circumstance...the "what ifs" or the misconstrued analysis of a situation that is not true at all. They are thoughts of the thoughts that have not even happened yet, or smoke trails from the past that have followed me into the present.
   
The song “Windmills of Your Mind” had lyrics distinctly describe that idea of cycling thoughts that tease us at times to a point of hopelessness and confusion. The final three lines are below:
“…Never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel
 As the images unwind, like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind!”

Most of us have at times found our thoughts spinning like windmills in our minds (we know “the wheels are churning”).

Using a scriptural lens as an antidote to this churning, we might think that “bringing every thought captive” would curb our angst, and yet, if we are not aware that our thoughts are really commentaries, and not truth or fact, I wonder if we have to go a little deeper.

I'm slowly reading through the book Into the Silent Land by Martin Laird, whose purpose is to give more in depth understanding of contemplative or centering prayer. Part of the beneficial "side effects" of this type of prayer help us navigate our way into this land of silence and gain awareness of our thoughts. We can choose when the distracting thoughts appear, not so much to dismiss or let go of them, but to be with them, without analyzing them, to meet the disrupting assaults with a "gaze of silence."

It's a fine line...to let go or to just be with our thoughts and still not perseverate on them. Perhaps to be with them is similar to the concept of "letting go of the letting go." It’s a skill to counter our thoughts with the kind of prayer that silence can give, and I’ve learned that it is not easy. But this kind of awareness in silence in prayer overlooks its distracting reaction to the screaming child within, and gives her a hug instead. It does not judge her; it gives her grace.

Do you struggle with your thoughts? How can we walk the fine line between being with our thoughts and obsessing about them?