This was from last March -----
Three weeks ago I went on
a retreat-type trip called HeartQuest. It was here that I was
unplugged and had no distractions and got to hear [clearly] God
whispering to my thirsty heart. He changed me. And subsequently
changed my life. It wasn't just a quick revelation and move on. It was
a deeper revelation and understanding and healing. Something I have
felt so powerless in the past to do. I had no frame of reference for
what I desired in my heart. I needed more of Him. I got it. He was/is
faithful. And gentle. And kind. And loving. He ministered to my
hurts and my fears and did so with love, with laughter, with peace. I
am forever changed.
Before
I left I had been praying and looking for my rain to come. In the OT
Elijah had prayed (as God had told him to) for the rain to stop. It
did. For 3 years. But then Elijah prayed for the rain to come again.
He knelt on a mountain top and prayed fervently for God to send the
rains again and drench the earth. He looked up and didn't see the
cloud. So he prayed again. Looked again - no cloud. Prayed again.
This happened 7 times. Then a cloud the size of a man's fist was
visible in the sky. Immediately Elijah jumped up to warn of the coming
rain (remember it hadn't rained in 3 years). He was so confident that
God was coming he didn't wait for the rain - he saw the cloud and knew!
I had been praying and believing for my cloud and it came. And He
poured out into me! Like a fire hose! I'm still dripping wet!
So, the reason for my
burning desire to blog...today I read James 1. I studied this same book
before my HQ in a Beth Moore Bible study back in February and it was
wonderful. But now I have new eyes. I couldn't wait to see what Holy
Spirit would show me with my new eyes and my clear and free heart.
It didn't take long. I
stopped and was brought back to verse 2 (told you I didn't get far). I
even laughed and questioned why I would stop there. But I trusted and
explored. The words "consider it pure joy when you face trials of many
kinds" kept standing out to me. I believe God wanted to show me, anew,
what this means for me now and how He has changed my perspective.
Here's a bit of what I
wrote down. Trials are what help refine my faith. They reveal to me
what God wants to heal in me. What fears or wounds need His presence.
For example, a week after I got back from my trip I battled in my mind
something very powerful. I have felt invisible. Like no one really sees
what I do at home, with our house, with our kids, behind the scenes. I
hear complaints (mostly from my kids of course). I wondered if it
really mattered. If what I was doing at home - laundry, dishes,
cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking, homeschooling etc...- was actually
making a difference. It's mundane. Boring at times. Feels
unimportant.
On this day in particular
I faced some events that just confirmed (in my mind) what I was
feeling. Immediately I knew it was a lie and was reminded that I was
different. But I didn't know how to battle it. And battle I did. In
my head! It was overwhelming emotionally. I asked God to show me why I
felt this way and how to fight it off. He spoke so gently to me and
said 'you want to know that all you do matters. That you matter. You
want to hear a good job every once in a while. The problem is that you
expect your kids and your husband to do that. They can't be that for
you. I can. I see. I know. I care and it matters to me. Let that be
your recognition and praise.'
I stopped almost instantly and began meditating on the fact that He sees. He knows. He cares. It matters to Him.
And I was changed. He revealed Himself to me as El Roi - the God Who
Sees. He met me in my battle - because I invited Him in - and He
revealed Himself to me. And I considered it pure joy!!
I got it! The joy of the
trial is in knowing Him more intimately. More beautifully than
before. The joy is being set free! Healed from wounds! And my
friends, I have experienced a joy unspeakable. He came in to my heart,
cleaned house, and I never want to go back to that messy place again. I
want to clean up the messes as they come and continue to experience His
great joy even in the midst of sorrow and struggle.
Romans 5:3-4 says (and I
paraphrase) that the trials and suffering eventually produce hope. And
hope doesn't disappoint because God poured out His love into us by His
Holy Spirit - His gift to us. Hope and Holy Spirit are precious gifts and the Bible says that trials produce more of that so then, I will consider it joy!
Then in 1 Peter 5:3-4 it says that these trials have come so my faith - which is worth far more that gold!
- may be genuine and bring God glory. Bring. God. Glory. My heart's
desire. I consider it joy! Even as I type these words I'm overwhelmed
with the joy in my heart.
He's used my trials to
reveal to me my hurts and wounds and His character and nature. I've
been studying the names of God (ever since El Roi) so I could know and
proclaim Who He is more and more. He's shown me He's Almighty God, All-Sufficient One, Lord, God Most High, the Great I AM.
I'm blown away time and again as I see the hugeness of my God! I can
trust Him. I can follow Him. I can depend on Him. Nothing gets by
Him. I'm not even kidding when I say it's a level of freedom that I
have not experienced before in my life. Everything within me says don't
lose it!
And this isn't the end of
my story. Only the beginning. I pray that in whatever trials you are
going through that you invite into them the Almighty God who wants to
show you His love, His protection, His goodness and kindness, His
faithfulness, His provision, His healing....
Shalom!
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