Throwback Thursday - Hard Learned Lessons

---originally published in 2011---
I've decided to write down some lessons learned this year. Hard but oh-so-good lessons. I'll probably reflect over time, not all in one post. There were lots of things learned!

This year has not been without it's challenges. I've faced things that I've never faced before in ministry. Things I wasn't sure I knew how to deal with. And truthfully (because you know how I love truth!) I have learned more in this past year than any other year. I can honestly say that I'm thankful for trials, thankful for doubts, thankful for refinement from a loving God who wants to make me reflect more and more of Him.

One of the biggest truths I learned was about me and my relationship with God.

I had someone tell me that I was a hypocrite. Fake. Questioned me and my life and my relationship with God. Normally I can take it with a grain of salt. I can just look past things but this was different. It was spoken by someone I respected. I didn't know what to think.

God had/has been teaching me to go to Him with everything. It's hard to do sometimes. I just wanted to be mad! I thought to myself, I could go to people who I know love me and they'd tell me different! I'll show this person (and myself) that this just isn't true!

But God said no. Wait. Ask me. What I say matters most. And because I desperately want to know what He thinks and I want to see myself as He sees me, I did. I waited. I didn't talk to people about it. I waited to hear from Him.

I asked Him if it was true? Am I a fake? Do I really love Him like I think I do? Am I fooling myself and others? Who am I? What do I do with this information?

As I was asking all of these questions I was reading a book called "A Lifetime of Wisdom" by Joni Eareckson-Tada and I came across this quote:

This is Jesus talking..."I'll make a deal with you. I'll give you anything and everything you ask. Nothing will be sin. Nothing will be forbidden and everything will be possible for you. You will never be bored and you will never die. Only...you will never see My face."
I was stopped cold. Like a slap in the face. And then an overwhelming emotion. A flood of emotion. Almost tears but I couldn't cry (I was reading it in the car-Mark was driving - and I didn't want to explain just yet why I was crying). So I just sat there. Stunned. But incredibly joyful!

In that instant God revealed to me what was deep in my heart. I couldn't have planned the response I had to thinking about never seeing Jesus' face. I couldn't have prepared myself to read that (the book wasn't about that - it was just a tiny piece). I could never have prepared myself to know how much I truly loved my Savior with a simple paragraph in a book full of so many other things.

I love Him. I truly love Him. It was real. It's true. I would never trade knowing Him, seeing Him, for a great life. Never would I rather have smooth sailing, no sin, no struggles, no pain, no suffering. Jesus makes everything meaningful. Without Him...I can't even imagine.

He has saved me. He loves me. He showed me, out of His love for me, how much I love Him. I am forever grateful for questioning my love for Him. I am forever grateful for being questioned. Because now I know, without a hint of doubt, that it's real. He is real. He is real in my life and I am filled with a joy unspeakable.

Just one of the many lessons learned.