Testimony Tuesday - Prayer Changed My Marriage

We had already been married for a year and a half when I finally came to terms with the fact that my husband was an alcoholic. In the beginning he hid it well. When I finally realized why he had such extreme mood swings and could never explain where cash went it was devastating. Later I found out he was drinking at least two pints a day and constantly, literally non-stop, lying to me. Even with in-your-face evidence he would blatantly deny with anger, pity or silence.  To say I had no hope was an extreme understatement.

In the early parts divorce was my favorite word. I came to the conclusion that me controlling him was the only way to fix this. Basically I was under the illusion that I could even control my husband. Big, big, BIG laugh.  

Looking back it literally makes me nauseous at how dark and depressing it was living with this person I didn’t know and in my mind didn’t agree to marry. Anyone that personally knows an alcoholic will understand, they are literally in every way a 100% completely different person. 

God has a way of waiting until you are ready to let go and give it up to him so that he can work and heal. In January of 2014 I got to the point of desperation.  Psalms 107 was my very close and personal friend - “Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress.”  

I was ready to let go of my delusional control and allow God to work in our marriage. I now refused to say the d-word… divorce. Only God knows our heart (1 Kings 8:39) and I wasn’t about to give the enemy that power. 

This was just about the time of the church fast and I “happened” to come across Mark 9:14-29 about the boy with the unclean spirit that could only be cast out by prayer and fasting. I knew my husband had evil spirits around him that did not want to let go. It was pretty scary at first until I realized the power of the Holy Spirit and the authority I have being a daughter of the most high, but that’s a whole different story. Needless to say, I wholeheartedly participated in the fast. 

That month was simultaneously the loneliest and most amazingly comforting month of my life. My husband was gone. I told him that I had tried my best to help but that his actions were detrimental to our family and I wouldn’t allow him to scar our children and myself that way. He left.  

At first I was freaking out, how can I take care of this house and these kids with no income, no time, no help? But immediately I felt at peace about my decision. This was a huge comfort from the Holy Spirit because to me in the beginning, and to most people, it seemed as if I was tearing my life apart and hurting my husband. This is where the endurance and perseverance came in. Almost everybody in my life disagreed with me. They thought I was hurting him, they thought I should feel guilty and ashamed of what I was doing. They thought that love means never saying no. As I explained my decision to one of his close family members about me always saving him from the consequences of his drinking and that he would never fully see the consequences of what he was doing until I let him, they curtly replied “But he doesn’t learn from his consequences”.  

A book that I thoroughly enjoyed during this time was called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. It talks A LOT about addiction and destructive relationships and that the best relationships have good boundaries. Boundaries where you can say no, and yes and respect yourself and others enough to say when enough is enough- I won’t allow you to hurt me anymore. 

He was gone for a month - a month of not knowing where I would find money for the mortgage, the bills, food and also not knowing what he was doing (besides random phone calls late at night). I dove into the arms of God. I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE, I was desperate. I needed this to change. I knew God had plans to sustain and build up our marriage and I fought for it daily. I fasted, I prayed, I read my bible, I cried out. I was so angry and God took it all. He was my rock so much so that I once told my husband “I desperately want your love I truly do, but I don’t need it, I need my God and his love to sustain me.”

The very day the church fast ended he returned to Durango, sober. He’s been sober for 14 months (a year longer than he’s ever been sober in 10 years)!!!   

There are two very big lessons learned and the first is this: You can’t control anyone but yourself, and even in that you need to solely rely on God. I’m an action person - if I see a need I do something, and praying never seemed like I was doing something about it-SO WRONG. If you want to help someone the very first thing should be prayer, there is no stronger power we have as children of the Most High.   

The second lesson was very harsh for me and that is that just because his sin was more apparent than mine doesn’t mean I don’t have sin. God knew that I needed time too, to dig and scrape inside myself and recognize that I was not part of the solution. It was never my fault that he was an alcoholic but I sure as heck wasn’t helping.