The Administration of Reconciliation

By Tawna Wilkinson

    

The other day, I had a hard and messy conversation with an individual regarding their dissatisfaction with the church, and what they felt was wrong with it. The truth is I was hurt and very frustrated, as this wasn’t the first time I’d been approached with the same thing.

However, after I allowed myself the shabby process of sorting out my raw emotions with God and my husband, the Lord reminded of II Corinthians 5:17-21:

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation, that is, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them, and has committed to us the word of reconciliation. Now then, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were pleading through us: we implore you on Christ’s behalf, be reconciled to God. For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.”

I realized if things were the way He intended in the beginning, there would be no need for our administrating reconciliation. For when things are reconciled, they are back to the way they were created to be.

When Christ was here He waded through enormous dysfunction with people’s perceptions of what He needed to do to make things right – in the synagogues; with the Pharisees and crowds; with the twelve men He hand-picked to journey with Him; even with his mother and siblings. And though Scripture doesn’t give much detail about His childhood, I can’t help but think there was a lot of muddling He had to endure just being a kid and teenager.

We want things to be neat and tidy; to be okay. And more times than not, I think that means, the way I want them to be. We hate the groaning our spirits, bodies and souls experience when we perceive things are not the way they’re supposed to be. And the last thing we want to do is stick around and engage in the hard work of restoration.

 Several years ago, a wise young man said to me, “Relationships are messy, and no one wants to get involved in them.” He was right. It’s obvious. When things don’t go the way we want, our first reaction is to bail…. don’t stick around and muddle through the mess and confusing in-betweens. It hurts. It’s hard. We have no promise that we’re going to see resolution. And what’s worse, we have no control over the outcome, let alone another’s choice.

I completely understand. I’ve bailed more times than I care to admit. I’ve thrown my hands up in frustration umpteen times, “knowing” for certain things are never going to change. But if that is true, then this passage of Scripture isn’t.

So today, I am actually thankful for the individual approaching me. For although the issue was not resolved, I now see I was presented with another opportunity to use my “ambassador muscles.” God, and this person, trusted me with part of the messy process of bringing a piece of reconciliation to this beautiful, broken and messy world. And I am glad I chose to engage in it.

What Is The Church?

It is more than a building of bricks and mortar;
    Much more than a gathering of people with similar interests.
        It is not a stagnant pool of ideas;
            Nor is it a wasteland void of intelligence.

The Church is a living organism.  
          In constant change while remaining rooted on one solid foundation:
   

Jesus Christ 

  










Just as Christ was hated, so people hate the church.

It is seen as an organized group of hypocritical, weak-minded, non-thinkers who use religion as a crutch to mystically explain the galaxy and justify the outcome of their existence.


While sitting in service on a recent Sunday morning, I began to look at those around me --

I saw the Brave - 
    Who have recently lost a baby
          And still are serving children in the nursery.

I saw the Strong -
     Who have seen marriages crumble
          And take time to feed a young widow.

I saw Professionals - 
     Who gave up careers to share Jesus
          And love people more than comfort.

I saw the Aged - 
     With achy bodies and facing the twilight of life
          And greet others with a smile and hug and words to encourage.

I saw hurting women, doubting men, struggling teens, questioning husbands, tired moms, weary travelers and seeking students.

I was surrounded by the broken, the struggling and the lost.    
There was sin and illness and pain;  anger issues, workaholics and recovering addicts.

And it was the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed.

The church is not a refuge for the perfect from a fallen world.

It is a sanctuary for the struggling, striving, growing, forgiven followers of Christ.

It is a way-station for the weary travelers on life's road.

It is an emergency ward for those who are wounded both physically, emotionally and spiritually.

It is a school for those yearning to walk closer with God.

It is a place where Truth is tempered with Grace and Mercy.

Where hands are held and tears are shed and joys are shared.

Yes, the church is  full of hypocrites and sinners.

     But so much more ------

It is HOPE !

The Church is not perfect because it is filled with people.

People battling the hurt of a fallen world.

Imperfect people who need the HOPE of Jesus Christ.

May we be brave to be perfectly imperfect and love those around us with Christ's perfect love.  May we serve those in our community - at work, our neighbors and in our church.

How can you show Christ's love to the Church?

How can you serve those in the Church?

When All Is Quiet

By Tiffany Bleger

When all is quiet

Where do you go?

When His voice isn't clear

Where do you run?

Do you charge ahead

Determined in your path?

Do you stand stock still

And wait for the whisper?

Do you turn and run

Back to the familiar?

Do you wander in circles

Moving but going no where?

When all is quiet

Where do you go?

When His voice isn't clear

Where do you run?

Do you lean on your friends 

For an encouraging word?

Maybe listen a little harder

To Sunday's sermon?

Do you beg and plead

And beat your head?

Do you make promises 

You know you won't keep?

When all is quiet

Where do you go?

When His voice isn't clear

Where do you run?

Do you pick up your bible 

And blow off the dust?

Do you listen to music

You think He would love?

Or do you trust and wait

And remember His promises?

Do you know Him well enough

To be still in the quiet?

When all is quiet

Where do you go?

When His voice isn't clear

Where do you run?

Are You Invoiced?

By Tawna Wilkinson

Putt-sing around my house a few months ago, I was wrestling with a dogging question: Should I or should I not help an individual with a genuine need, which in this case happens to be close to me? When I heard: “Bear one another’s burdens…” And…“for each one shall bear his own load.” (Galatians 6.2, 5)
 

A familiar frustration rose in my spirit, for in times past I had grappled, without resolution, with these exact phrases and specific words.

“Lord,” I said. “In one breath You command us to bear another’s burden, and in the next You seem to contradict commanding the exact opposite. I don’t know what to do or how to be.”

“I know,” He replied. “Look into it.”

So I dropped what I was involved with, went to my Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance, and looked up the words and phrases I felt Him emphasize.

To my chagrin, in both instances, the definition of bear was exactly what I thought: “to remove, lift, endure, sustain, receive, etc.” However, I was surprised to find where its meaning was derived….from the base of the Greek word basis which means “to walk; a pace (‘base’) i.e. (by implication) the foot.”

Immediately a picture came of two people walking side by side, one was carrying a large burden while the other, walking in pace, was helping alleviate some of its weight, but was not taking the burden from them.

Intrigued, I dove into the definition of load, and was even more startled at its meaning: “an invoice (as part of freight) i.e. (fig.) a task or service.”

“Wow, Lord…an invoice?”

“Yes, an invoice. I assign to each an invoice; a task; a service to join with Me. If I have not invoiced you to walk side by side with another, yet you choose to, you are in fact sabotaging their relational footing with Me. And, by carrying all, or some, of another’s burden I did not invoice harms our walk as well. Be watchful, child. Do not disrupt your, or another’s, relationship with Me by carrying what has not been invoiced you.”

Sweet release washed over me shedding light on my present situation, as well as evaporating that unresolved and dogging question. For I had many times, out of guilt, shame, or condemnation, whether self-inflicted or imposed by others, helped carry, or carried all of another’s burden never invoiced me. And the results were damaging to the cadence of each relationship.

So, when another’s need arises, I am now inclined to stop and ask, “Have you invoiced me to come along side, Holy Spirit? Or is this theirs to join with You, alone? 

Messy Stalls Equal Life

By Jill Palmer

Just when you think God couldn't speak to you in a more hilarious way ... 

BAM. He speaks through poo. 

Poop, waste, manure. Yep. He spoke a word to me through this very delicate subject.

I was going through another rough day/week/month/experience. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what I was going through when He spoke this but I know it was during a prayer time with the staff of our church and I was asking God about the messes. The messes in my own life, in my family, in my church. Messes in general just seemed to be popping up everywhere and He spoke so clearly to me and gave me hope and peace in the midst.

My conversation with Him went something like this:

God, why are there so many struggles and messes? What are we supposed to do about them? How can we avoid them? It stinks! 

Imagine a farm filled with animals. Do you see the mess?

Ew. Yes. Lots of animals. Lots of mess.

How do you suppose you can avoid the mess?

Well...you can't unless you stop feeding them. If you stop feeding them they'll stop pooping. Then there will be no mess to clean up.

And what happens if you stop feeding the animals?

They die.

Yes. They'll die. Messes are a part of life and messes are an indicator of life. Every living thing that I have created makes a mess. Everything has waste. If you stop feeding yourself, your family or your church, the truth is there will be no more messes but they will also die. To avoid mess means to avoid life and that's not why I have put you here. You can embrace the mess and see it as a sign that someone is being fed and is growing or you can fear it and avoid it. Life is happening and I am excited about that. Your job is help clean up the mess and continue to feed those around you with the Truth I have placed in your heart. 

Not too long after God and I had our little "chat," I was told about a Proverb that talked about this very thing. And not too long after that, I ran across it while I was doing my devotions. God really can speak through anything! And I love that He spoke to me and then confirmed it in His Word. My Spirit soared and laughed as I read these words:

Life in general is messy. Life in a community, a herd, a church - whatever you want to call it - is messy. Mess comes as people grow and learn new ways of relating to others. Mess comes as old wounds get reopened and we respond. Mess comes when we learn to be vulnerable and navigate safe new places and people. Messes just happen.

Poop happens.

And it's okay. As the Proverb says, without oxen the stable is clean, but the ox is needed for a large harvest. The people and the poo/mess they/we bring (mine very much included!) is necessary for life and growth and a large harvest.

I'm choosing to embrace the mess, yes even embrace the poo and the messy stalls. As God has so gently shared with me, it equals life, and life in Christ is what I desire for myself and others.

How do you respond to the mess in your life? Can you see it as a sign of life instead? How has God spoken to you in an unusual way?

An Artist's Calling

By Tiffany Bleger

Exodus 35:30 introduces a man who would become vital to the nation of Israel. The NLT translation reads:

"Then Moses told the people of Israel, “The LORD has specifically chosen Bezalel son of Uri, grandson of Hur, of the tribe of Judah. The LORD has filled Bezalel with the Spirit of God, giving him great wisdom, ability, and expertise in all kinds of crafts. He is a master craftsman, expert in working with gold, silver, and bronze. He is skilled in engraving and mounting gemstones and in carving wood. He is a master at every craft." (Exodus 35:30-33 NLT)

God specifically called Bezalel, a craftsman from the tribe of Judah, to oversee the construction of the Tabernacle. To build the dwelling place of Yahweh. The Bible does not say that he was a great manager or overseer, however. It says that he was "a master at every craft."

My spirit finds a significance to that. God did not choose someone whose natural giftings were in leadership and delegation. He chose someone gifted in an art form that would bring beauty to His dwelling place. I'm certain that as Bezalel led the other craftsman in this immense project, God supplied the necessary leadership ability. But the man who started this project was not noted as a leader. And, through the next four chapters, we see the plans given to Moses on the mountaintop come to life through the hands of a craftsman. 

I can't help but wonder what life was like for Bezalel before he was given this task. Was he old? Young? Appreciated for his craft and respected by all? Or ignored, looked down upon, rejected? Was he ridiculed for his gift, this God-given talent that didn't fit the norm for a man in this era? Somehow, I imagine a man, middle aged, but strong and muscular.  He'd have to be strong in order to carve wood and lift kettles of molten gold all day. His hands were delicate, however, probably smaller than most and incredibly sensitive. It required amazing dexterity and coordination to work in gems and cloth with the skill Bezalel obviously had.  

But what was this man like? Did he stand tall, secure in his identity and gifts? Did he know from a young age that he was destined for greatness, that his talents would be used in an incredible way someday? Or did he struggle with doubts and insecurity, wondering why God had given him talents that didn't seem to fit in?  Did he ever consider giving up, switching careers?  Did he struggle to find his place within the tribe?

I wonder if we feel the same way today. We have each been given a measure of talent, special gifts we are to use.  Father gives each of us these gifts to benefit the body of Christ and to point others to the glory of God.  Some of those gifts fit easily into the mold of "church service" that our Christian society has created. But some of us, probably most of us, have talents that seem unusable to God. Talents are different enough from what we see on a Sunday morning that we wonder if there's any use for us at all.

Do you hide your gifts? Have you allowed a dream from your youth to die because you didn't see a place for your talent within the tribe? 

My prayer for you today is that you would allow this passage of Scripture to breathe life into your spirit. Reread Exodus 35-39. Notice everything this seemingly obscure craftsman made for his God. Notice the skill, the giftings this man had to have in order to accomplish this enormous task. And let the Living Spirit speak to you about the talents and gifts He has given you. Let Him reawaken those gifts you've allowed to wither. Perhaps the tribe is simply not ready yet for the tabernacle you will build. But they will be. And it's your job to hone those skills until the day you are called by Father to use them.  

Canceling the Noise

By Kim Beach

31,000 feet

168 people

4 hours

1 airplane

Some passengers are working.  Many read and a lucky few find a way to sleep.  But rarely do people talk except to answer the stewards inquiry of drink choice or to ask their neighbor to excuse them as they exit the row for a restroom.  Even people traveling together are quiet. 

Why do 168 travelers packed inside one tiny flying can, sitting mere centimeters apart not communicate?

Noise.

There's no escaping the noise of an aircraft.  It's a constant assault on our auditory sense. When you enter, recorded announcements encourage you to hurry to your seat.  Fans are blowing in the ramp-way.  People are jostling for overhead luggage space.  Children are crying.   And in the background, the engines are at a high pitched whine as they idle.

Then the doors shut.  The announcements continue and the engines come to life.  That annoying whine becomes a constant roar. 

It just becomes too hard to keep up a conversation.  So instead of battling the noise and repeating yourself or risk miscommunication, we withdraw into our own universe.

In-flight noise seems to be a problem on many levels.  Psychologists are studying the effects of the constant noise on the mental health of pilots and stewards.  Audiologists warn us of the hazards to our hearing from the constant exposure to the engines constant  decibel  over prolonged periods of time.  NASA scientists are studying how to insulate airplane walls, windows and seats in order to reduce noise while flying.

But until new planes are built,  we travel on in silence, creating our own universe within the 18-inch space of our airplane seat. 

We do the same in our seat at church.

Women are created for Life.  We are created for Fellowship.  We are created for Relationship.  Yet, we often isolate ourselves, choosing to believe the lie of the enemy -  life is messy; Fellowship requires time and effort; Relationship makes you vulnerable to hurt, and it is just not worth the hassle.

But the benefits of Relationship outweigh the cost of being alone.

If the enemy can separate you from the body of Christ, then his lies become a distorted truth to your ears. 

Alone.  You are alone.  Alone is easier.  No one cares anyone.  Its too hard to make friends.  Alone.  Alone is safer.  No one can hurt you if you don't share your journey.  Alone.  All  you need is God.  You don't need fellowship.  Alone.  Alone.  Alone is easier.  Alone.  Alone.

In time, Alone becomes Lonely and then we begin to tell ourselves that no one cares about us, knows who we are and we are just not important.

NOISE -  the lie of the enemy!

You are an essential, amazing part of the Body of Christ.  His Church!  It is filled with fascinating women.  Amazing stories.  Witty antidotes.  There are tales of struggles and Miracles; of failure and Redemption.  The women standing next to you in the coffee line, washing their hands beside you in the bathroom and worshiping in the row in front of you are filled with Wisdom.

And you are worth knowing too!  You are needed!  Wanted!

You have a vital, important, amazing story to share.  A story someone needs to hear!  Scream against the noise of the world and declare the Truth of God -  "I am part of Christ's Church!  I need other people and they need me!"" 

As you stand in God's Word and His Truth, the roaring noise of the world will become silent in light of the Truth! 

God's Word

1 Corinthians 12:27  "Now you are the body of Christ, and one of you is part of it."

Galatians 6:2 "Carry one another's burdens and in this way you will fulfill

the law of Christ."

Titus 2 (MSG) Guilder older women into lives of reverence . . .  By

looking at then, the younger women will know how to love

their husbands and children, be virtuous and pure, keep a

good house, be good wives.

Testimony Tuesday - Community

My experience with community and friendship is different then most women’s, at least most women that I know. Not that that is a bad thing; just is what it is.

I grew up in a pretty open and honest home, and my personality is one that I tend to easily make friends. So, as I got older having community and finding people to be vulnerable with was not necessarily hard for me. Where I tended, and honestly can still struggle, is not feeling like I am responsible for the people in my community. I tend to take on their struggles and feel like I need to be their holy spirit, like I need to fix it, and like it is my fault. Lies, to keep me distanced; because really nobody can handle all that pressure - that would be why it is God’s job. I have/am learning to trust God with other people. To just set back and let Him work, some times He uses me in their lives and sometimes I get to just see the miracle and blessing in others lives.

I have gained a group of people that are comfortable and safe to be a mess in and grow. They encourage and support each other and me where they are at. They also show love not just for me but also for my family. It is also a place for Godly advice, encouragement, accountability, and prayer.

Jo Lee

Are You Doing or Supporting?

As a pastor’s wife, mom and a leader of a ministry, I’m sometimes overwhelmed by the many assignments and visions God gives me for the future.  How do I see it accomplished?  I certainly don’t have the many gifts required to teach, train, encourage, serve, cook, bless, create, organize, listen, watch and complete these assignments. 

I wonder if Moses felt the same way after God spoke to him about the Israelites.  As I’ve been reading through Exodus I’ve been struck by the many specific instructions the Lord gave Moses about the tabernacle, the priest’s robes, the Ark of the Covenant and more.  So many details!

How could Moses possibly accomplish all that God was instructing him to do?  I mean he’s just a shepherd.  Sure he grew up in the palace surround by incredible craftsmanship and beauty but he spent much of his life shepherding.  How is he to do the intricate work required for making these things?

Thankfully we have a God who thinks about such things!  Here’s what He did:

Exodus 31:1-7 "Then the LORD said to Moses, “Look, I have specifically chosen Bezalel son of Uri, grandson of Hur, of the tribe of Judah. I have filled him with the Spirit of God, giving him great wisdom, ability, and expertise in all kinds of crafts. He is a master craftsman, expert in working with gold, silver, and bronze. He is skilled in engraving and mounting gemstones and in carving wood. He is a master at every craft! “And I have personally appointed Oholiab son of Ahisamach, of the tribe of Dan, to be his assistant. Moreover, I have given special skill to all the gifted craftsmen so they can make all the things I have commanded you to make: the Tabernacle; the Ark of the Covenant; the Ark’s cover—the place of atonement; all the furnishings of the Tabernacle; the table and its utensils; the pure gold lampstand with all its accessories; the incense altar; the altar of burnt offering with all its utensils; the washbasin with its stand; the beautifully stitched garments—the sacred garments for Aaron the priest, and the garments for his sons to wear as they minister as priests; the anointing oil; the fragrant incense for the Holy Place. The craftsmen must make everything as I have commanded you.” "(Exodus 31:1-11 NLT)

Wow.  You mean He places His Spirit in His people to accomplish it all?

Most definitely!  He knew Moses couldn’t do everything He was telling him to, so He told Moses whom He had lined up for those jobs.  Bezalel and Oholiab and the gifted craftsman weren’t just random people wandering in the desert; they were given the Spirit of God who gave them “wisdom, ability and expertise in all kinds of crafts.”  I love how God has orchestrated this!

He still does this today!  There is no such thing as a random person wandering around the River Church or the Body of Christ.  God has given us His Spirit to accomplish absolutely everything He has put in the hearts of His people.  We’ve been given the “wisdom, ability and expertise” necessary. 

What happened to the people who weren’t Bezalel and Oholiab or the gifted craftsman?  Amazingly God thought of that too.

Exodus 36:1-7 "some were called to work on the temple and some brought gifts and offerings for those who work on the temple"

If they weren’t doing, they were supporting.  I believe this is true of each and every one of us.  There will be times of doing and there will be times of supporting.  Our responsibility is to know what God is assigning to us and then being obedient to it.  If we are in waiting then we are supporting those who are doing right now. Notice He doesn't mention spectating...

So are you doing or supporting or spectating?

Testimony Tuesday - Being a part!

Many probably remember how Pastor Mark began 2014 with a sermon series called the “Measure of a Strong Church” where he encouraged us to read the first few chapters of Revelation and throughout the series we were to assess ourselves – as individual Christ followers and as members of the body.  I was thoroughly challenged especially since (1) I had feared reading Revelation because I was afraid, specifically of the end times, and (2) our life group had recently read through it with ambivalent results.  One of Pastor Mark’s requests from the church body was to seek God as we read through Revelation and ask God to reveal to us specific things about the River Church.  How did we (as the church) measure up?  Which of the seven churches (or a combination thereof) did we resemble?  
 

The described seven churches are Ephesus (the lacking love church), Smyrna (the persecuted church), Pergamum (the compromising church), Thyatira (the corrupt church), Sardis (the dead church), Philadelphia (the faithful church), and Laodicea (the lukewarm church). 

Reading through this opening part of Revelation again was different because I asked God to open my heart and my eyes – I wanted to please God regardless of my feelings.  I wondered if our gracious and merciful Savior knew that others would be just like me and so He provided a blessing for those who read it:  Blessed is the one who reads the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear it and take to heart what is written in it, because the time is near (Rev. 1:3).  God is all-knowing!  He knew I would be afraid.  Part of my fear is the brilliant and rich figures of speech; the language amazes and startles at the same time, and honestly I didn’t position my heart to read it.  I know now that the enemy was using that fear to block me from receiving God’s blessing.

How I completely missed being in God’s glory because I did not position myself to hear Him!  For me, positioning myself involves several things: praying for God to reveal to me the inner depths of my sin, to repent of that sin, and to expect to hear God’s voice every time.  I love hearing God’s voice – from hushed whispers to thunderous booms.  He is faithful every time.  My part of the faithful equation is much harder to keep.  I did eventually write a list of comparisons between the seven churches and ours.  As I looked at the list of qualities, I asked God what to do with this finding.  At this time, the corporate fast was in progress so I just prayed about the list for a few days.  Then, I prayed for all the church leaders by name and specific area corresponding to the list.   Then, I prayed for the church body as a whole and then individually.  Then, I prayed for myself to find my part in the church body.  So I did what God wanted me to do, but I did it alone (which was never God’s intention) all year long! 

Throughout the year, my desire to know God, read God’s word, study God’s word was growing but I did it alone.  I knew I was disobeying God.  I asked for forgiveness.  I asked for grace.  And of course, God gave it all, including favor and provision.  May it be said that 2015 was a year of revival in the River Church – and needless to say I will be part of it.  So it is with great mercy that I ask all who read this to consider joining me in a new ministry.  I am calling it the Study Guide team.  Just as God revealed to that I am not the only one who was afraid to read through the book of Revelation, I am certain that I am not the only one who desires to know more of God through the weekly sermons.  I do believe that God is leading Pastor Mark to guide our church so as part of the body we need to be positioned to receive and apply God’s word.  I shared my idea with Mark and Jill and they commissioned me to move forward.  I did already speak to a couple of folks, but we definitely need more folks involved so we will have enough on the team to rotate throughout the month.  Thus, the call out for the Study Guide team. 

WHO: All those whom God calls

WHAT: A committed group of believers who will serve 1^st and 2^nd service to collectively write a Study Guide based on that morning’s sermon

HOW: The assigned Study Guide team will attend 1^st service and take notes, and then the team will meet together during 2^nd service and type out a Study Guide for life groups to use during the week

WHY: We our called to study God’s word (and apply it), to fellowship with other believers, and it makes God happy

My heart is what Pastor Mark preached recently on Isaiah 58:6-8.  By providing our church body with a guide to dig deeper into God’s and apply it to our lives, we will see the untying of “the cords of the yoke” and “light will break forth like the dawn.”  Please email with questions: arroyoarte@gmail.com

Testimony Tuesday - the power of community

My WORST. MOM. MOMENT. EVER. EVER. EVER. EVER.

It had been planned for over a month… Asha was supposed to ride the Polar Express with a somewhat older friend of mine, her daughter, and more specifically with her granddaughter, Nicole, on Tuesday night December 30^th. These two little girls are really good friends…even though they only see each other once a year, as Nicole lives in OK. Due to poor planning, miscommunication with Shawn, and just flat being an irresponsible idiot... WelI…I proceeded to have my WORST. MOM. MOMENT. EVER. EVER. EVER. EVER. The train was pulling away RIGHT IN FRONT OF US as we were caught at a stoplight on Main St. and College Ave. (1 block from the train station)!!!!! Asha and I ran like Cheetahs into the train station…only to be told… “I’m sorry girls…it’s too late to get on the train.” I remember Asha peering up at me with her big, brown eyes and asking, “But Mama…how am I gonna get on the train???” I said nothing. I couldn’t. I was absolutely numb. This was BY FAR my LOWEST. MOM. MOMENT. EVER. EVER. EVER.

The walk back to my friends Jeep (she drove us into town driving like Mario Andretti)…was the LONGEST of my life. No words were said. There I was…walking back to the Jeep, hand in hand, with my sweet, precious, innocent, lil' girl...as the train went the OTHER direction. Asha climbed into the back seat, completely silent. I breathed the BIGGEST breath that I could muster and turned around to face my daughter… It was dark in the Jeep, but the street light caught her sweet, precious face. It was then that I noticed two big tears roll down her saddened face. That sight brought the waterworks for both of us, while my sweet friend sat quietly in the driver’s seat. We both sat and BAWLED our eyes out... I repented to her. Told her it was ALL MY FAULT. My heart ACHED for HERS… I had messed up MONUMENTALLY… She just sat there with her lil' innocent tears streaming down her face.

So...we took her to Durango Joe's to get a “peace offering” hot coco, heavy on the whip and sprinkles. We waited for the train to return (it's only gone an hour). Then we waited for my friend, her daughter, and Nicole to get off the train. We met them in the train store, only for me to get called "The Doghouse Girl" by Nicole’s mom and then I was told by my friend that Nicole was crying for Asha as the train pulled away from the station. DOUBLE DAGGER on top of an already gaping wound… I didn't sleep very well at all that night... I kept waking up with the sight of Asha sitting in the back seat of the car...tears rolling down her sweet face. Siiiiiigh... I was grieving for my daughter, her heart, my heart… I couldn’t carry this. I needed JESUS to carry this burden for me. I got up and began to talk, pray, sob, and tried my best to give HIM my hurt... I heard him say, “Text Jen (Kline) and share what happened. I am going to speak to you, through her…” I did just that. At the end of my mile long text to her…I said to Jen, “Just wanted to share this with you, knowing you would have some encouraging words for me...” I did not tell her that the LORD had directed me too.

The LORD is FAITHFUL when we do what HE says… This was Jen’s text to me:

“I actually have tears as I’m typing this. I can’t imagine how you must feel. I think the reason I am crying is because I know how much you LOVE to bless your kids. And it makes me sad to know how sad you must have been/are. I will pray for Asha and her dealing with the disappointment and I think it is SO HUGE that you prayed with her... Trust that God will instill in her a grace giving loving heart because of you taking it back to Jesus. You are not perfect. There are no parent "fails." Everything we try and do with our kids is something God can use for his glory. He wastes nothing. The Polar Express is fleeting... Jesus is eternal... Asha will always be better because if you walking out your journey in front of her. You show her what the grace and goodness of GOD looks like and you will never go wrong. Ever.”

Jen sent a second text… “On another note, I was actually just thinking about how beautifully you plan things to do with your family, how you think ahead, consider the "fun" things you can do together, little trips, going back to MN to see family. Your children have a FULL and blessed life! And it is largely because of the efforts you make and have made since the day Asha & Caleb were born. Cut yourself a whole lot of slack on the “Grace-o-Meter.... You rock. You are a kick a** mom!!!”

I guess my point in sharing this BAD. MOM. MOMENT. with all of you is this… WE NEED EACH OTHER… WE REALLY DO!!! I could have wallowed in self-pity, guilt, sorrow, disgust…at the pain I caused EVERYONE involved… But, chose instead to bring a girlfriend into my “moment”. GOD used Jen to speak TRUTH into what the enemy wanted me to sit and ruminate on… TRANSPARENCY brings FREEDOM and is LIFE-GIVING ladies!!! It may suck to share your “crap”…but you WILL be a better woman, mom, sister, daughter, friend…because of it!

That’s RIGHT…I am a KICK A** Mom!!!

Lynn Dearey