What an incredible testimony from Mary Stoner--
I am the youngest of 4 kids; those siblings are 7, 12 and 17 years older than I am. My oldest Niece is 5 years younger than I am. Being a child born late in my parents life and not having close relationships with most of my cousins, plus watching my own sister have have her last 2 kids in her late 30's and early 40's; left me with knowing that if I didn't have a family started by age 30 I wasn't going to start one.
There is an odd question that teachers and parents ask kids; "What do you want to be when you grow up?". My answer was, “I want to live in Utah, in a cave, with my horse.” I also always wanted to be a mother.
Being raised with lots of little nieces and nephews, plus being a normal little tomboyish girl playing house drove that wish home. Being married with a family and living somewhere in the west was the dream.
In high school I went to a vocational school and graduated with a Horticulture degree. My teachers were disappointed that I didn't pursue college. My dream was to be a stay-at-home mom with my own floral business.
Fast forward 2 years met my husband at the most unlikely place, line dancing. What good Christian girl finds her husband in a bar? It's supposed to be in church or some other "Christian" function right? He was a believer, had a job, a house and was a very hard worker. There was one thing that didn't fit, the only thing that didn't fit, kids. An understanding was formed that if nothing changed by the time we were 30... kids would not be in our plan. I prayed, begged, and pleaded that God would answer this one request. The ONLY thing I've EVER wanted my whole life... to be a mom.
I was given a few words and actual dreams in the first year of marriage. The first dream was “Me in labor giving birth. Nick took our daughter and showed her to me with tears in his eyes from amazement.” I was told children will come with Nick's agreement, along with their names. The second dream was, “I had three baby triplets but all different ages, one boy and two girls. The girls were 9 months apart, and my family wouldn't let me hold them. They were carrying them all over the place and one was almost dropped. I wanted to nurse them and not bottle feed, but the decision wasn't mine to be made. I wasn't allowed to hold any of the babies and I couldn't even see their faces.” A verse I was given was 2 Peter3:9 “ The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise as some understand slowness. He is patient with you,...”
For years I held on to the promise that God would soften Nick's heart and change is mind. God is the only one who can change people. There is nothing any one person can do to change another without resentment coming into an already touchy situation. Since I was perfect and being given answers, of course, I was right!
Fast Forward seven years. All things were in place we were going to start to try and have kids. I was elated, over joyed, planning, and dreaming how to make a business run with a small one in my care. Two weeks into trying, everything came to a screeching halt. It wasn't going to happen. Unless I divorced and remarried the only thing I've ever dreamed of, longed for, desired beyond all else...it would never happen. What do you do when that kind of news hits?!!? Fall apart, scream, yell, drink, curse, and try and turn from all that you know and believed to be true. I couldn't do anything and I died inside. Nothing mattered anymore. What was the point? Why was I alive? What was my life's purpose? I went to the people who were supposed to be there... my pastor, a counselors, parents, and friends. No one really had any answers. Divorce was one choice given to me by my mother-in-law. Marriage was for life so that wasn’t an option in my mind. Move on, keep putting one foot in front of the other, run my business, “keep on keeping on,” even when everything seemed empty and broken.
I had two friends at the time who did very different ways of trying to help. One told me to “drop all and go and stay with her.” The other would call and come get me out of our house. She would get me out to spend time with her. She would always call me if I wasn't at her house at the expected time. She stood beside me and made me get outside of myself. She just listened and loved me for who I was at the time. Day by day, week by week and long month after long month, she was there for me. At that time another friend had a new baby girl. Talk about a gut wrenching! On Easter Sunday, I sat with her family and held that little girl through the whole service. The message was about unforgiveness and right then and there I made a choice. To live in bitterness and anger that things aren’t going the way I had planed or to forgive and move on.
Forgive and move on, sounds really easy right? There is a “warm fuzzy feeling” and all is taken care of right.... not exactly. Everywhere I went there is a reminder of my pain. The counselors we went to were (in my opinion) useless and actually made things worse. My doctor even placed seeds of doubt in that decision to forgive and move on. So even though I chose to forgive, the bitterness and emptiness still remained. I dove back into my business, into worship team and choir, Bible studies... anything to find that happiness again.
Two years later there was finally a break... a piece of tangible healing. A family at church needed a baby sitter. I was working from home and the extra money was needed. The mother placed her 3 month old baby boy in my arms and headed to work. There he was a baby in my arms. Someone to love, hold and hand back and the end of the day. I also was watching a little girl two days a week while her mother worked. There were two children in my house I was in heaven and loving every moment. Things between Nick and I were healing and there was another new baby in the family. Nick had his first blood nephew, who of course, we would watch when the need arose.
That summer we took our sixth trip in Colorado in nine years of marriage. This trip had a surprising twist that neither of us ever expected. “What was keeping us in Pennsylvania?” we asked ourselves. So the question became “IF” we move where would we go? Creed and Gunnison were too small. Colorado Springs and Denver were way to big. Getting out of a city area was the goal. Durango.
From very young age, I traveled across the country for four weeks of vacation every year until I was 16; spending at least a week in Durango, visiting my aunt and uncle. I had family there and it's big enough to find jobs. Durango it was! We made plans and move in three to five years. I closed my flower shop business and took a job at a local flower shop. Our house went on the market in October of 2009 and our dream house in Durango went under contract with someone else. November 2009, the contract fell through with the other bidder on our Durango home and we snatched it up, with one stipulation. Our Pennsylvania home had to sell first. December there was a whirlwind weekend trip to see our home in Durango. Then January and February passed with no nibbles on our Pennsylvania home. March brought the offer needed and we were Colorado home owners by April. On our 10th anniversary Nick moved our dog, our cat, and me to live in our new home and left us to fend for ourselves three days later.
I landed a job at a local flower shop and started Mothers Day week, Nick had a much harder time securing a job and moved out a month later, still jobless.
Jobs in Colorado can be tough! After starting my new job at the local flower shop and only being their 6 months…I was told to “get out away from the company I was working for.” It took another year and a half to understand why. Flower shops are not this super fun place to work that you may think. I can only do it for 3 years and then burn out sets in. January of 2013 the job hunt was on, but to do what? I'm a 20 year veteran florist and customer service is my life, like it or not. The said friend who kept telling me “Get out of that place it's killing you.” wound up in a on of our local coffee shops. Well, that's customer service, I don't know anything about coffee, but I can learn. So I went full steam ahead and sent resumes to every coffee shop in town, for any sales type position... you name it I went after it! There was one place I really wanted to go and it was Durango Joe's. I decided I'd take any position they offered me. It finally came down to two choices. At Durango Joe's that offered less money, less hours, with a steep learning curve; or a position as the City Market floral manager. I shut the door on my floral life, and yet another dream died, this time by my own choosing.
I was going to a small group at still the same friends house and we were doing a study on Ephesians. “Somehow”, I wound up in Galatians on a scripture “bunny trail” and I ran into a little verse that got me through the next few months of trials. Galatians 3:3 “Are you so foolish? After beginning by means of the Sprirt, are you now trying to finish by means of the flesh”? There was so much anguish to get away from this unhealthy floral job, that I forgot why it was part of my life and that it was how we were able to move. I was trying to make things happen again the way I wanted them to. HE had a plan yet again.
After giving my two weeks’ notice (not always a nice place to land), GOD had plan in place. I started my new job in the brand new kitchen at Durango Joes and within three weeks I became the manager. I have no formal food service training just hard work and basic common sense. How in the world did I get here! Apparently HE's not done yet.
This past year has been yet another whirlwind of “Seriously God what is next?” There was the finding of our church home. The changing of jobs for Nick and I, growth in our marriage (that neither of us can believe) and the final realization of not having kids. This is seven years later from that horrible heart breaking day. This summer I went to a weekend trip with the girls from my small group and we were playing some odd physiology game.
You are walking alone in the desert “Utah” and you come across a cube.
How big is the cube? “Nothing exciting size of a house in the desert.”
What color is the cube? “Clear”
You see a ladder.
Is the ladder leaning on the cube? “Yes”
You see a horse.
What is the distance between the cube and the horse? “Standing beside”
There is a storm.
What is the distance between the storm and the cube? “In the distance”
Is the size of the storm big or small? “Large like a western storm”
Is the storm passing by or staying in place? “moving”
Is the storm violent, thunder, and lightning or calm and light rain? “yes”
You see a flower. “Nope no flower.”
Meanings:
Cube: The cube represents you and how you see yourself in the world. If the cube is transparent that means people can see right through you. The size of the cube compared to the desert represents your ego. If the cube is large in comparison to the desert you think highly of yourself.
Ladder: The ladder represents your friends. If the ladder is leaning on the cube, your friends tend to lean on you for support.
Horse: The horse represents your husband. The distance between the horse and the cube represents the closeness you have with your husband.
Storm: The storm represents some obstacle in your life. If the storm is passing, the issue is current with a resolution in the near future. If the storm is staying put, it has been an ongoing obstacle in your life with no resolution in sight. The size of the storm represents how big of an obstacle this is to you, as does the distance. The further away the storm the less importance you place on it. If the storm is violent it means this obstacle is causing quite some grief.
Flower: The flower represents your children or desire to have children.
Utah desert, transparent person, a few close friends, husband/horse, with a moving storm and get this NO KIDS.
I LOST it and only one person in that group knew the real reason why. This is something I hold close. It is painful and the last thing I want to do is bring a bad light on someone I love, especially Nick. Later that summer in another small group time, it was time to share what happened that evening around the campfire. The reality of not having children means we are here in this place I've wished for my whole life next to wanting kids. Here in this place being used in ways that neither Nick nor I can even explain. Here with GOD's voice so clear some days it kind of freaks us out. Trials come and go sometime we remember to listen to Gods voice, sometimes we forget and try and ignore Him, but he keeps making us grow regardless.
There were some more amazing revelations still to come. Reminders that I'm not alone. Letting people (especially women) close to me is tough... REALLY tough. I'm a guy at heart, tomboy up a tree in a dress, when emotions and hormones kick in I sit back and wonder what the heck is wrong with me. Girls still boggle my mind. Woman’s bible studies, ladies breakfast and anything along those lines, will make me run and hide. Yet, I'm pushed into uncomfortable situations to grow weather I want to or not many times.
Christmas brought yet another key to that locked door buried deep inside. Kids and Christmas... seriously what more could there be? I've learned to not like Christmas because of the commercialism, the hard work being a florist (especially endless sap and the evil pine cones and needles... blah). Enter HIS still small voice. “What was your last Christmas present?” “The gift of kids.” BAM! It was like getting sucker punched! I thought it was because of all the years of craft shows and Christmas crap. Nope. The last Christmas gift Nick ever gave me was the promise of having kids. We had spent a year preparing and tried for two weeks…and suddenly the dream was taken, or was it. I do have my kids, maybe not the way most people would think. For six months I watched a sweet little boy every day and Nick and I became close friends with his amazing parents. I was able to baby sit a little Chinese girl who was adopted by a family here in the US while her parents also worked. I have 8 nieces and 6 nephews, most of whom have been able to find a place to share their frustrations with, when there was a need. There are two great nieces who I am missing very much. living 2000 miles from them. I'm living in the place that even as a small child I have loved. I'm married to a man I never dreamed would make me this happy and furious all at the same time. Lets face it, all relationships have some time that one or both of you cut the other in ways that are super painful. We have been growing in ways that I never thought possible. I'm excited to see what the next chapters will bring...hopefully it doesn’t mean public speaking or anything!