Throwback Thursday - Honestly!!

(originally published in 2010)

Does anyone else wonder how half-truths, exaggerations, and outright dishonesty have become fine, normal and acceptable?! Seriously! I am so sick of lies that I'm sick!
Look around! I bet that if you took 5 minutes to become more aware of lies vs truth you would be amazed at what you'd find you are surrounded by. Believe me it's scary. What you look like, what you drive, how you speak, your education, your haircolor, your home, your birthday, your clothes etc...defines who you are. Lies. Lies that we are bombarded with from TV, radio, magazines, friends, billboards...

But even on top of that is how we speak to each other. How many lies do well tell a day? "Yes I'm fine (in reality I'm in turmoil about so many things)" "Yes I'll serve in ministry (in reality I can't possibly handle one more thing on my plate)"
"No I can't help you out (in reality I can but I don't want to because you annoyed me yesterday)"
"I'm sorry I'm late. Traffic was horrible! (in reality I was blogging and got so distracted that I left late and now I'm late meeting you)"
"Well my day was just so busy (in reality, I really wish you, my spouse, would help out more, I'm tired and overwhelmed and frustrated but I don't want to bother you with my real emotions so I'm going to pretend that everything's ok and maybe some day I'll blow up and you'll be surprised that I've been lying to you for so long and that doesn't seem real great either but for the moment I'll just lie)"
"I was so angry about such n such that I about quit my job (in reality it did make me mad but there's no way I'd quit my job)."
"I was so sad I bawled my eyes out (in reality I didn't shed a tear but I'd really like you to think I was so sad so you might feel sorry for me)."
"I never cry (in reality I do but I don't want you to think I'm weak)"
"I didn't sleep a wink last night (in reality I dozed in and out of sleep so much it didn't feel like I slept but you don't need to know that)."
"I've tried everything and nothing is working (in reality I've tried two things and they were so hard because I lack the self control necessary but trying everything sounds so much better)"

Seriously we need to stop the lying. Lying snowballs and it doesn't even matter what you lie about. If you lie about why you're late then you make it sound like you can usually be on time and you will just constantly have to lie. If you lie about how you feel then people will make assumptions and even decisions based on what you lied about creating an even bigger problem for you in the long run. I talked to Kale the other day about lying. Our kids, if they lie, will get punished for the offense as well as the lie. Because in reality that's what happens. Not only will we have to deal with the consequences of the reason we're lying (ie. being late, hurting someone's feelings etc.) but we'll also have to deal with the consequences of lying (ie hurting a friend or spouse, losing other's trust in us). Lies snowball. Then we're not who we really are. Ever.

I've heard people talk about how great it is, sometimes, to move or start a job or whatever to get a fresh start. It's like they can now be the real them. For so long they lie to people around them and it isn't until we start over that we are finally able to just be us.

Why do we lie? I think it's because we're afraid of what others will think. We're afraid to be accountable and responsible for our actions and thoughts. By admitting that we're late because of blogging, we're admitting that we weren't being responsible. If we tell the truth about why we can't serve in a ministry, we may appear less spiritual than others. If we admit that your friendship is difficult, that person may not like us and then point out all of our faults.

Honesty is hard. Honesty challenges us to be who we really are, say what we mean, and mean what we say. Honesty - in love - will change us for the better, strengthen our relationships, improve communication, and make us trustworthy, and a people of integrity. Do I tell the truth all the time? Ha! If I said that I did I'd be lying :) No, I realize that I can exaggerate or not tell the whole story. BUT, I am desperate to have real, meaningful, and lasting relationships built on truth and trust. Relationships that are Christ centered. And that is impossible if they are built on deception and assumptions.Practice being honest today. The whole world could use more truth in their lives. It can start with me.

Testimony Tuesday - Take the Plunge!

---I would like to set aside Tuesdays as the day we testify to God's work in our lives.  I say we because I have asked women at the River Church to share what God is doing in their lives and families.  These are their stories!  "They defeated him [the accuser] through the blood of the Lamb and the bold word of their witness." Revelations 12:11 (MSG)---

This is the last week of testimonies from our retreat.  There were many more!  God did wonderful things!

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In being scared to take the plunge I sought peace and strength and direction. This is what God said to me, "unloose your heart, le me take you and fill you.  Let me release my gifts in your soul.  I will give you the strength to face the storm."

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Last night, I sought Him and found Him.  I gave Him all my rocks.  I put myself upon the altar as a sacrifice.  I washed myself with my tears.  As I cried, I heard the wind rustle through the trees as if in praise that I had finally let it all go. Just me and Him.  My heart felt free.  Most of all, I felt love beyond measure.  He is ever faithful!  Weeping may endure for a night, but joy (change) cometh in the morning.

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When Tawna stood up and shared what God was speaking to her, for us, I needed to hear her words/what God was speaking.  It was as though her words were directed at me.  Instead of wanting /looking at where others are, God has me right where He wants and needs me.  What does He have for me in this season?  I want something that hasn't happened yet and I'm having a hard time understanding those it has happened to.  But I can't personally say it's going to happen but I can say I can ask Him what He wants me to see and learn in the season I'm in as I wait for the season I want.

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This weekend I came looking for answers from God, from other people, just from anyone or anything.  Each session I felt speak to me in some way but after each one I still didn't feel free, I was still searching for my answer.  Keep your eyes on Jesus through the storm.  He will never leave or forsake you.  These were all things that I realized I needed to keep telling myself.  But when Paige spoke about Leah, getting to a point where she dropped all of the rocks she had been carrying and just praised the Lord for Who He is she had finally felt peace.  With that revelation I felt God telling me "That's you, you need to be like Leah and drop all of those rocks you've been holding on to and just praise me."  This was my answer, my answer was the Lord.  Drop the rock of distrust, the rock of control, the rock of judgement and fear and of doubt.  My husband and I have been dealing with infertility for the past two years and have gone to doctors and specialists, taken medicine and done procedure and then last night I felt the Lord telling me that He had it under control and that if I can only just drop all of those rocks and let go and let Him in, that He will take care of it all. 

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It's easier to not

I was getting ready to head to a prayer meeting for an upcoming event last week and was thinking about how tired I was feeling at the time and how it would be easier to just not go. I knew I didn't have a choice - I needed to go - but the thought crossed my mind.

On the way there, a woman I was riding with was telling me how she's been battling a terrible migraine all afternoon and she almost didn't come but in the end she felt like she really needed to be there. It would've been easier to not come. 

How often do we give in to the temptation to not...just because it's easier? 

I'll tell you a few things that I've found would be easier to not...

It would be easier to not get up early and spend time with The Lord in His Word. 

It would be easier to not get up and punish my child when I hear or see them doing something specifically needing punishment. 

It would be easier to not plan meals, go grocery shopping and make homemade dinners. 

It would be easier to not keep my mouth shut when I want to argue to with my husband and tell him I'm right. 

It would be easier to not stop and pray when I hear about a need. 

It would be easier to not keep up on laundry and house cleaning throughout an already busy week. 

It would be easier to not confront people and work out problems. 

It would be easier to not be uncomfortable. 

But in the end....if I always did the easy thing, I would end up with a chaotic world and miss out on important relationships. Including one with my Savior. 

Throwback Thursday - Maybe

(originally published in 2010)

My goal is God Himself, not joy, nor peace, nor even blessing,
but more of Himself, my God.

Maybe instead of asking God for more patience and kindness and wisdom and humility and the ability to love other people like He does I should be asking Him for more of Him.

Maybe He'd like more than anything to give me patience and kindness and wisdom and humility and the ability to love other people like He does but there's no room for any of that because of...well...me.

Maybe I have too much "me" - the selfish me. Maybe I would have more patience and kindness and wisdom and humility and the ability to love other people like He does if I would deny myself and empty myself of...well...myself. And then ask Him to fill me up again with...well...Him.

Because maybe, just maybe, it's Him who is patient and kind and wise and humble and the ultimate lover of everyone....not me.

Maybe I should stop trying to imitate Christ under my own power and instead let His power, the Holy Spirit, work through me as I deny my selfishness...then I might have all patience, kindness, wisdom, humility and love that I could ever possibly imagine.

Maybe.

Testimony Tuesday - Take the Plunge!

---I would like to set aside Tuesdays as the day we testify to God's work in our lives.  I say we because I have asked women at the River Church to share what God is doing in their lives and families.  These are their stories!  "They defeated him [the accuser] through the blood of the Lamb and the bold word of their witness." Revelations 12:11 (MSG)---

For the next few weeks I will be sharing a few testimonies from our women's retreat.  These are awesome!

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God has challenged me to step out, but not just me, my whole family to take the plunge of obedience in the things He has called us to do.  It is time to take the plunge in every area of my life.

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This is very basic, but I found one thing profound "There is more and Jesus is the key".  It has been truly eye opening for me being on this trip.  One thing resonated with me.  Jesus said nothing about Peter's sin.  Huge!  For a while I had focused so much on my short comings and failures.  Being judgmental, fearful etc... That it had almost made me feel unworthy of God's affections.  But I realized I've been so deceived.  God knows just how sinful we are and nothing can separate us from His love!  So much revelation came from something so simple.  It was beautiful.  I knew, but I forgot just how swift God's love and redemption truly is.  "Jesus had nothing to say about his sin because his sin didn't matter"

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This weekend has been such a blessing!!  I realized that Jesus doesn't need anything from me.  All He wants is me.  If I am going to take the plunge 1st I need to trust that He wants the best for me, 2nd Have faith and tell Him what I need, 3rd don't take my eyes off Jesus.  He will provide the ability, abundance, meaning and might that I need, at the right time for His plan to be fulfilled.  Alos, I need to get off my "jean sitter" and move.  Praise you Lord!! I love you and You love me! Amen!

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This weekend I needed to be vulnerable.  I needed to see God in the relationships I had with other women.  I wanted to hear about other battles and storms my sisters were walking in.  God have me a group of courageous warriors who were authentic to me about their circumstances.  Holy Spirit was present in our small group discussions.  He revealed Himself to me in the voices of my sisters who were honest about their wounds and their hurt.  He healed us, He met us here and He built our faith and praise.

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My idea of perfect is not the same as God's idea of perfect in my life. I don't know what I want. I am allowed to try new things and "fail".  My dreams are not a waste of time.  It's okay to change my mind. It's okay to be me because I'm not broken. But there's hope that I can be better.

To Fear or not to Fear

“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”: FDR’s First Inaugural Address

Interesting thought from one of our presidents. In a way this is true. 

I heard recently that we are only born with 2 fears: the fear of falling (picture startled baby when suddenly moved) and the fear of loud noises (same baby with sudden yelling or sirens). All other fears are learned. Read that again. 

All other fears are learned. 

Whoa! You mean the fear of spiders, fear of heights, fear of small spaces, fear of the dark, fear of man, fear of failure, fear of being alone are all learned?  Yes. Our circumstances, experiences and environment have all taught us things. Including fear. 

Recently at our women's retreat we discussed what fear is...or isn't. Have you ever read the story about the student who told his professor that there's no such things as cold? Cold is only the absence of heat. You can make things hotter but there's a limit on how cold things can get.  Dark is the absence of light.  Evil is the absence of good. I think fear is the absence of faith/trust.

Why do we fear? Because we have the illusion that we're in control. And then when something happens (or we think will happen) we realize we aren't in control and fear sets in. 

What if we took God at his Word?  It says:

Do not fear for I am with you 

Perfect love casts out fear

Whom shall I fear? 

We can have assurance that God is in control. God is leading. He has a plan. His plan and His perspective is greater than mine. 

Instead of praying Lord, take away my fear, how about we pray Lord, increase my faith. 

Throwback Thursday - Help

(originally published in 2010)

Pretty much everyday I can guarantee that one of my children will ask me for help. Help in getting dressed, getting food, learning to read, getting a toy out etc...They are able and willing to ask for help. They know they can't do it all by themselves.

Why can't adults do the same thing? Why is it so much harder for us to ask for help?

I was reading the New Testament with Kale when I came across something that struck me. It was the story of the ten lepers that Jesus healed. Usually it's been told as a story about being thankful but today I read something different (Go God!).

It said "From a distance they called loudly, 'Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!' Never did Jesus pass by and refuse to help one who called." { I bolded the part that struck me - not literally struck me of course} This story is in Luke.

When Jesus healed the blind, the sick, the dumb, the lame, the dead it was because they came to Him to ask for help. It took humbling themselves and asking for God to do the miraculous.

I've heard people say it's not "who they are" or "how they were made" to ask for help. I realize it isn't an easy thing to do. I definitely have not perfected the art of asking by any means. BUT I do recognize that we won't always receive help until we ask for it. God has shown that to Mark and I. It's easy (for us at this point - not for everyone but that's a different post) to ask God for help. And I think that's because we expect Him to help us. And we should. He does, He will and He loves to. But I also know that He uses His people to answer those prayers and to help. And how will His people always know how or when to help unless we ask.

Sure we can hint but isn't that kind of annoying? Let's just come out and say it. I need help. I believe there are times when God will lay it on someone's heart to do something for someone in secret and I love it! when that happens. God absolutely can do it. But I think He also wants us to be humble and ask those that He's put into our lives to help us.

If we need someone to help us care for our children then we can ask. If we need help tearing apart our bathroom, or putting it back together for that matter, then we can ask. If we need advice about something we can ask. If we need help in our ministry we can ask. If we need help moving we can ask. If we have a financial struggle we can ask.

Yes, people can say no but they can never say yes unless we ask.

Humbling? Yes. Easy to do? No. Will it stretch us? Yes. Will it increase our faith? Yes. Will it be the end of the world if we ask? No. Will it give others opportunity to give and to help? Absolutely and most likely they'll love to do it. Just give them the chance.

I will still be on the lookout for people I can help. This isn't to say we should only do something when we're asked. That's not what I mean. But I believe there is a work that God is wanting to do in me/us when we ask Him and when we ask others for help.

Testimony Tuesday

---I would like to set aside Tuesdays as the day we testify to God's work in our lives.  I say we because I have asked women at the River Church to share what God is doing in their lives and families.  These are their stories!  "They defeated him [the accuser] through the blood of the Lamb and the bold word of their witness." Revelations 12:11 (MSG)---

I am interrupting the testimonies from the retreat to share this one that a beautiful, transparent sister shared with me this weekend.  God loves to meet us where we're at!
  
So this month had been a pretty tough month in terms of my faith. I had come off the women's retreat so confident I had flung things that were holding me back away from me. I spent day after day praising God. Not wanting to pick up the things that kept me from being free. 

As each day passed my thoughts at night would turn to worry. Circumstances seemed insurmountable, fears started to plague me that I never had before. Negative thoughts about my kids, my health, my husband, my family, guilt, broken relationships all started coming into my mind. I'd press into scripture and joy came every morning. But as each day pressed on into the evening I became more vulnerable to the lies. Many times I asked my husband to pray for me. When he did, my peace came back. 

My husband and I had been tithing regularly even though mathematically our budget was telling us we would be going in the red. We cut corners everywhere in order to make it an easier month. Right before the October women's breakfast Our bank account had a zero balance. I barely had any gas and we were out of food in our fridge. I borrowed money from a family member to help pay our last bill but that day I was penny less. 

I prayed on the way to the breakfast but it was more like a tantrum. I tattled on my frustration about money, asking God why when we were being obedient he wasn't showing up. I confessed unbelief to him. I confessed that I didn't trust men and maybe I didn't even trust Him because I thought men weren't there for me for most of my life. I let Him have it. I didn't even cry during my tantrum. I was just mad at him. 

Then I sat through Jill's talk about the difference between knowledge and belief. Everything she said was exactly what I knew. My knowledge was blocking me from believing the most important things God wanted to show me. I was wondering how I was going to feed my family, how I'd get to church on Sunday, how I'd get through. 

Payday wasn't until Tuesday (3 days later). I was in my car looking for change to pay for gas, digging through my purse just to make sure I'd make it home all the while apologizing to God for my unbelief. Telling Him I believed he could help me but I needed an encounter, an experience a touch from him. As I asked him what I should do He whispered... Look at your bank account. I thought He was having me do it because I need to be more diligent, I thought He was having me do it to prepare and steward my money for next week. 

I logged into my bank account from my phone... My check had deposited. The date of the deposit was Tuesday, but it was showing in my bank on Saturday. I had plenty of money. I believe God brought me through this struggle because I desired encounter, presence, experience with him. I confessed my unbelief and I was honest with him about my circumstances. In hindsight I acted like such a brat. I asked for forgiveness and praised him all the way home. I tithed on my paycheck, bought gas and groceries and the blessing I felt that day was immense. 

I appreciated the gas in the car and the food I was able to get on sale at the grocery store. My lunch tasted better. He is so patient with me. I'm excited for my next adventure with Him. The one where I get out of the boat in the middle of the storm and truly believe He has me. He is God. I am not. How thankful I am for His grace, mercy and love.

Knowing vs Believing

Recently it struck me the big difference between what I know about God and what I believe about God. I've heard it referred to as the distance between your head and your heart. Very true but I think we stop there.

What we know about God greatly affects what we believe about Him. I was asked in a bible study to write down how I view God. As I was writing down my thoughts on His love and grace and forgiveness and lordship I was also challenged by 'do I believe that too?'  

How do you know what you believe? Look at what you do. 

We know that God is in control. He is sovereign. When we are faced with a situation in our lives - financial stress, illness/health problems, relationship challenges - what do we do? How do we respond? 

We know that God freely loves us. Do we then receive that love or do we try and earn it? Do we still see ourselves as not good enough, always failing and falling short or as sinners who've been saved by His marvelous grace and sacrifice and live free?

Romans 4:3 says "What does scripture day? Abraham believed God and it was credited to him as righteousness."

It wasn't Abraham's knowledge about God at 99 that led him to circumsize himself and all the men in his family and servants. It wasn't his knowledge about God that led him up a mountainside  with his only son, the one God had promised him, to sacrifice him. It was his belief that God meant what He said. 

It wasn't Paul's knowledge of God that led him all over preaching the good news of Christ, enduring beatings, prison, ship wrecks, angry crowds and government and the threat of death. It was his belief in Christ. In fact his knowledge led him to persecute and kill believers before he met Jesus on the road to Damascus. His belief led him to love all and write half of the New Testament. 

Knowledge is something we gain through our 5 senses. 

Belief is gained in our spirits, through faith. 

In Genesis, God presented Adam in the Garden of Eden with the tree of life (living, alive, life sustaining, live prosperously, live forever, be quickened, revive from sickness). This is how it was meant to be.  Getting our source of life from Him alone. 

And He warned Adam about the tree of the knowledge (what we gain through our senses) of good (pleasant, excellent, beautiful, lovely, delightful, joyful, fruitful, precious) and evil (bad, inferior quality, wicked, evil, mishchevious, malignant, noxious, injurious, hurtful, unpleasant). 

Understand that not everything we know about God is bad. The bible says we can know good.

But also, not everything we know about God is true. It can be inferior, hurtful and unpleasant. 

All our knowledge, however, can affect what we believe about God. Therefore we cannot rely on our knowledge alone. 

For example: if we've prayed for/about a situation. It doesn't get answered. We may conclude - based on our knowledge- that God doesn't hear or doesn't care. Conversely, if He does answer how we prayed then God must always answer what we pray or always respond a certain way. 

The problem with knowledge is that it forms opinions, assumptions and judgment. And knowledge is what is usually shared. 

Belief takes our knowledge and holds it up to the Word of God to see if it is True because His Word is Truth regardless of what we see, hear, smell, taste or feel. 

So. What do you know and what do you believe? 

Do you know, or believe, that God is trustworthy?

Do you know, or believe, that God is All-powerful?

Do you know, or believe, that He command us to love Him and love others?

Do you know, or believe, that you are loved?

Do you know, or believe, that you are forgiven?

Do you know, or believe, that you are free?

Do you know, or believe, that God's Word is Truth, alive and active?

Do you know, or believe, that God can do mighty things through us when we submit our lives, our time, our finances, our gifts and talents unto Him?

Reflect on your life and see what you believe. 

Mark 9:23,24 says "And Jesus said to him, "If You can! All things are possible to him who believes {not knows}!" Immediately the boy's father cried out and began saying, "I do believe; help my unbelief {faithlessness, uncertainty, distrust}!" 

And Jesus healed. 

We can come to Him with our unbelief and ask for help. He will heal.

Throwback Thursday - It's a Fight!

(originally published in 2010)

I'm not sure who all reads this blog. I'm not sure what season you are in life. So I'm not sure that this blog will make sense to you. But I hope you will be able to identify with at least something I write today.

I've been somewhat blah lately. Nothing bad happening but nothing really great happening either. I recently went to an all-day workshop about master-planning your life. It was a great time with lots of great information but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't completely overwhelmed. I mean they asked me questions like "What do you love to do?" "What could you do for hours and not even know it was hours?" That may seem easy for some of you to answer but I really didn't know.

I also had to self-evaluate. I realized it's much easier for me to evaluate others than it is to evaluate myself. Especially in the few moments we had each time. I tend to waaaay over-think things. Shocking I know :)

I did learn some stuff about myself but really it just brought up more questions!

So I've been thinking. Thinking about my life now and my life in the future. Thinking about what is my God-given, God-directed and God-breathed purpose? It's very easy to get lost in outside labels along the road of life. It's easy [for me of course] to become Mark's wife and Kale, Kate and Jack's mom. And while I love those roles and believe this is where I'm supposed to be I can't help but wonder if there's more for me to be doing?

I've slowly been coming to the conclusion that while the answer is yes it is also wait. I think that God has more plans for me. He certainly isn't done with me yet. But at this moment I'm preparing for them. How is he preparing me? Seems like diapers, cooking meals, doing laundry and cleaning house won't prepare me for much but I also see things like patience, grace, wisdom, clarity and reliance on Him coming out of my day to day experiences.

So what does this have to do with fighting? I'll tell you. {By the way, I don't battle all of these everyday. But I have battled all of these at least once if not more than once.}

Everyday is a fight to stay in the game.

I fight to stay involved and not check out.

I fight to stay focused and not distracted.

I fight the lies that say I'm not a good enough mom or wife.

I fight the lies that say I'm fat, lazy and not creative.

I fight to get up in the mornings and not sleep in.

I fight the urge to fight my husband over dumb things.

I fight sarcasm that creeps in when I've told my children the same thing for the hundredth time.

I fight to make it through everyday with a positive and thankful attitude.

I fight the urge to just quit and throw in the towel.

I fight the overwhelming feeling that I'm not really making a difference.

I fight the helplessness I feel when it doesn't seem like my children are "getting it".

I fight the urge to crawl into a closet and hide from everything.

I fight the urge to let my emotions rule me.

I fight to let God's voice be the loudest one I hear everyday.

I fight for God's truth to guide and direct my steps.

I fight for God's word to be in my heart.

I fight for God's voice, truth and word to be in my children's hearts and minds.

I fight everyday. And I will continue to fight.

Some days I win. Some days I lose. I think we are fooling ourselves if we don't realize that we have to fight for what is important. There are days when I feel too tired to fight. Days where I feel so beat up from the fighting. I think to myself - I just fought this battle yesterday! Can't I get a break? But then I think, it's important to keep fighting. To persevere. To go after God's plan and purpose for me and to not just sit back and let life take over me.

So I pray....God help me to fight the good fight, to win the race, to persevere.

And He says...I will fight alongside you.

"...the Lord your God fights for you, just as He promised." Joshua 24:11b

Amen.

Testimony Tuesday - Take the Plunge!

---I would like to set aside Tuesdays as the day we testify to God's work in our lives.  I say we because I have asked women at the River Church to share what God is doing in their lives and families.  These are their stories!  "They defeated him [the accuser] through the blood of the Lamb and the bold word of their witness." Revelations 12:11 (MSG)---

For the next few weeks I will be sharing a few testimonies from our women's retreat.  These are awesome! 

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I came this weekend with no expectations but a lot of need.  And though I was afraid to hope He would, God met those needs and did some serious work in my heart!  Just like He saw Leah, He let me know that He sees me! (that message was word for word God speaking directly to me btw!)  My heart's cry has been to be seen by Him and to feel that.  And He did that for me this weekend. He did so much more than I can adequately explain, but I'll just say that I had a very sweet encounter with my God this weekend and I feel so loved and richly blessed!

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If asked before this weekend...I would've told you that the River was my kiddos church, not mine.  

You can:
  be the perky, goofy, joyful and quirky one.
  be given the job of a "woohoo girl" at the start of the retreat
  go to every women's breakfast
  even speak at a women's breakfast
  be awesome friends with the dork wad on the River staff (Jen Kline :) )

...and still feel lost in the crowd and unknown.  After this retreat I can say that I really know people and I feel known.  The River is now my church! :)

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God has worked so many miracles in my life and I'm just beginning to discover some of them.  I was sexually abused as a very young girl, then again and again as I was growing up.  I was baptized when I was about 11 years old but I really hadn't trusted God.  My step-father was an alcoholic (so was my father and we really didn't have contact with him after I was 10 years old).  My step-father was one of my abusers.  I was told when I was a senior in high school that I neede to see if there was a friend I could live with because my step-father was on a drinking binge.  I lived away from home and felt very unwanted.  I became promiscuous feeling that was what was expected of me.  I became pregnant at age 18.  I had my son and moved back home until I could get settled on my own.  My behavior did not change much and I became pregnant again.  I told the father of this child (I did not tell the father of my first child).  He was not supportive and doubt that he was the father.  I felt I could not have another child alone and I chose abortion.   I have not been in many relationships since then.  Although I have struggled through all of this, financial burdens, and the feeling of unworthiness and so many other things, I can look back and see God's hand in all aspects. I had a healthy child, he's provided food and shelter and income!  He's brought the best people into my life to support me on my walk with Him and to completely surrender to His will.  

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Give it up, take it back, give it up, take it back, give....well you get the idea.  It wasn't that what I heard last night was anything new - I know those truths all too well.  I think it was when Jill said that it was more difficult to keep carrying those rocks than it was to let them go.  Maybe it was the power of all those women who stood and flung.  Maybe it was the power of the Holy Spirit that filled the room and gave me new resolve.  And I flung, too.  I flung and I don't every want to pick those things up again.  Thanks be to God!

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If my people will humble themselves and pray....
This verse has come to me over and over throughout this year.  But I always asked others to pray; always looked to others prayers to help me and mine in and through our troubles.  God has revealed to me how important and necessary my praying is.  He has shown me that my prayers are as powerful and necessary as others.

But a breath...

The past couple weeks have reminded me that my life is but a breath here on earth.  The length of my life is not something I can control. Yes I can influence that by healthy, wise living but in the end, I do not hold my days in my hands. He does. 

Sometimes I'm totally okay with that. And sometimes fear creeps in and I'm not. Just in the past month I've read of floods, bombings, rock slides, cancer, car accidents, illnesses....it can be very overwhelming and scary. Both for myself and for my loved ones. 

When I start to feel like what's the point I have to go back to my faith, my relationship with the Purpose Giver. He created me. He gave me breath. He knows the number of my days. He holds my life in His hands.  Every breath I take and every beat of my heart is a gift from Him. 

Do I trust Him with it? 

Yes. Ultimately I do. 

No guilt in life, no fear in death. 

This is the power of Christ in me. 

From life's first cry to final breath. Jesus commands my destiny. 

No matter what may come, He will sustain me and care for me and my loved ones. It may not go how I have planned but He is good. He never changes. My circumstances might, but He never will. My rock. My fortress. My God in Whom I trust. 

He's given me an eternal hope which far surpasses what this world has to offer. Because He's given me this hope and breath, I have to share. Share the good news that this isn't just for me. It's for you. 

Life eternal. 

Throwback Thursday - Purpose

(originally published in 2009)

Do you wonder what you have been put on this earth for? Do you wonder what your purpose is?

The theory of evolution has started a thought that we are here randomly. That we happened to evolve from something - generally thought of as monkeys. There is no purpose. No meaning. No reason for any of it. It just happened. Because of that beginning we are led to believe that our lives have no purpose and no meaning. We're just lucky to be here.

Poo! Every single person was created with a purpose by a Creator Who loves every part of us. The good and the bad. He knows it all and loves us just the same.

Yet we spend our whole lives looking for purpose and meaning in life. We spend countless hours doing the "wrong" purpose. You would smile if I tried to cut a steak with a spoon. A spoon was NOT designed for that. You would laugh if I tried baking a cake in the freezer. Freezers were NOT designed to bake cakes. You would freak out if I tried to brush my teeth with a toilet plunger. Totally NOT made for teeth brushing. Yet we don't bat an eye when we, and others around us, spend time, energy and money on things we weren't created to do. Trying desperately to find purpose and meaning for our lives.

So what is our purpose? What are we created to do?

I'll tell you what it is NOT.

It is NOT to be beautiful, smart, rich, popular or powerful. It is NOT to have the best house, the best car, the best clothes, the best job. It is NOT to be a perfect spouse, a perfect friend, a perfect employee, a perfect parent. It is NOT to have the best ministry, the greatest church, a successful life, or many relationships. It is NOT so many things that we strive for every day.

It IS to Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and to love your neighbor as yourself. That's it. Simple.

Are we doing it? Unfortunately I'm not. Yes I love God. But I have a long way to go to say I love Him with everything. If that were true my life would be different. Do I love my neighbor as myself? Unfortunately no. God has shown me how to love my neighbor but I haven't done it.

Why? I think it's because I've tried to pursue other things that are not as important as loving Him and loving my neighbor. By not living in my purpose I am left tired, drained, confused, dissatisfied and always wanting more. My purpose was given to me by my Creator. He knows me best. He loves me best. And I want to live fulfilling my purpose.

Testimony Tuesday -- Take the Plunge!

---I would like to set aside Tuesdays as the day we testify to God's work in our lives.  I say we because I have asked women at the River Church to share what God is doing in their lives and families.  These are their stories!  "They defeated him [the accuser] through the blood of the Lamb and the bold word of their witness." Revelations 12:11 (MSG)---

For the next few weeks I will be sharing a few testimonies from our women's retreat.  These are awesome! 

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God is love.  He does not condemn me. He wants me to know this love and asks me to give Him all my expectations/needs/desires so that I can experience His peace.  He is there for me.  ALWAYS.  And when I empty my hands of worries - open them to Him to be filled. Any thought that arise contrary to the above are NOT from God.  Know His word, it is His power for my life.

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I'm home again with my church family.  After over 9 years of being away and running from God. 
God asked me: Do you love me? Because I love you with no conditions, no requirements, no judgements.  Just pure love for you my child.
My answer: Yes, I love you Lord.  I'm so scared of what you may ask of me!  And I don't know why I know I don't want to give some things up.
God said: So don't! Just love me!

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Five years ago my husband and I took a great financial risk.  The risk did not pan out as we thought it would and, long story short, we have had financial problems for the last 3 years.  My faith in my ability to hear from God wavered.  I thought we had been obedient!  Why would we fail so spectacularly if we had heard from God and done what He said?  Today the Lord broke that lie off of me.  I went adventuring!  I did what He said to do!  I may feel like I failed, but I was obedient , so I succeeded.  God has brought me to a place where I can see the next peak because of my "failure".  He is not punishing me! He rejoices in my situation because it's an opportunity to enter into His joy.  The enemy has kept me still for too long by preying on my fear that I can't hear from God.  No more.  I am His child.  I know His voice.  I will hear and obey.

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I have really been struggling and wanting to change so my in my life.  I wanted to come this weekend but could not afford it.  Jen asked and I told her the truth.  I am barely affording food and bills and gas.  Through Jen and others, I am here.  It has been hard for me to be the recipient of help after years of being the giver.  He so loves me.  Unasked and yet He gave me the desire o fmy heart.  I continue to strive to seek and keep Him first.  Thank you for this chance to find my new path with You!

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This weekend God has opened up my heart with many different things; trusting, speaking through Paige to explain certain points that I have never thought of before, showing me He does care and isn't just passing me by.  He has shown me that I can find joy through pain, sorrows and struggles in life not just through the happy, successful times.  I was also blessed with a great group of ladies that could relate, they listened, and also expanded on awesome points Paige made when speaking.   I needed this weekend to show me that I need to take the plunge whether it be 1,2,3 or 4.  Always needing to expand my faith and be obedient.  Very happy I came to feel God's presence.  Thankful for everyone who put this together and prayed for all of us ladies.  Thank you Jesus!

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My life with Him has been an adventure of His continued faithfulness.  Yet, in this current season I find myself feeling like I am adrift.  Yet others see Him guiding my way.  He made the way for me to return to school full-time and work full-time.  I just don't want to miss His will and His path again.  So, I am cautious and afraid to believe that this desire I have is His desire.  Yet, He is ever faithful.  Moment by moment, and I am taking Him at His word.